Please help me communicate with my DH?

[TellMeHowToFeel]

Hi would appreciate any help and advice. I've been suffering with anxiety and depression. Have reached a point in my marriage where I have a hundred thoughts racing through my head and cannot communicate them to DH at all. Every time I try, it's like my mind short circuits and no words will come out. We have very similar issues in the bedroom - the thought comes into my head that I'm in the mood, or that there's something I want. But it's like I'm absolutely paralysed about communicating that thought and as a result we go months and months doing nothing, both getting increasingly frustrated. I don't know how I've got like this or why. I do feel that when I do try and speak to him he listens and says lots of sweet comforting things but doesn't ever really seem to take any of it on board or proactively try to help me communicate.

If anybody has any ideas I'd be so grateful.

Well the science behind depression makes it very hard to feel much let alone feel connected. So despite our best efforts it’s going to be a watered down feeling regardless unless your depression is medically managed with antidepressants

I’m the same
Text him or what’s app
Works for me ...infact I message rather than speek as much as possible

Yes that's very true and no I'm not on any meds as I'm scared of them taking the edge off my ability to work, although in truth I may benefit from them. I definitely do struggle with "feeling" in general- I often internally feel much more strongly than I show on the outside. Or vice versa come to think of it.

@Feelingwalkedover glad it's not just me! How does he feel about that? And how does that work in terms of getting what you want with intimacy? I can imagine it's ok for bigger relationship issues but what about spur of the moment stuff?

I recognised loads of the criteria on the assessment in myself but I seemed to score far too low on all the bits around empathy - I count as an Empath and actually feel what others do too deeply, so didn't think it applies to me
Don't believe that bullshit about us Aspies not having any empathy or any Theory Of Mind.
We are each as individual as neurotypical people are.
Most of the research on autism is written by neurotypicals hence the misinformation and generalisation.

I would suggest you start researching autism in females because it presents differently in us than it does in males.
We're also better at 'masking' because of the way we're socialised and the general assumptions of society.

In my experience, i internalise a lot of my feelings and emotions.
My face doesn't always express what i'm thinking/feeling either and i'm known for my resting bitch face.
However, i do have empathy. So much empathy in fact, that like you i too can physically pick up on others moods/emotions as though they were my own.
It's a head fuck if you don't understand what you're dealing with.
In the Aspie community we call it 'hyper-empathy'.

We tend to keep giving/have low boundaries as a result of this hyper-empathy.

@SavingSpaces2019 wow really? yes I'm definitely going to go and read up, that sounds very familiar for me and could explain a lot. Although I guess even if it turned out to be the case it may not help me as nobody will be interested in diagnosing me at this stage and is there much that can be done in terms of helpful treatments or ways of working with it to improve things? Or more just a case of knowledge is power once you know what you're working with?

Lots of adults are getting diagnosed in later life.
The diagnostic criteria is always changing, and people had autism before it was 'discovered'.
Lots of us have grown up without any awareness or help.
Lots of us are only now discovering this part of ourselves, partly because there's more information out there now, more people talking about it, their kids being assessed for it etc.

I would speak to your GP and ask to be referred to a psychologist for assessment.
I've done as much research as i can and presented my GP with info on how i feel it resonates with me, backed up by experiences.
Due to it being a spectrum, some people are more adversely affected by it than others - however it does affect us all.
An assessment would give you clarity, validation, information and support on how to manage the bits that adversely affect you.
There's no 'cure' because it's not a disease.

The other to bear in mind is other co-morbidities.
Symptoms can overlap with other conditions, a lot of us have been misdiagnosed with depression and anxiety and then we wonder why the antidepressants don't work!
We think and feel differently compared to the accepted neurotypical norm, so our reasons for feeling depressed/anxious need a different approach.

I joined some online and Facebook groups for autistics (run by autistics) and i got more insight into my condition from talking with them than i have done in any book/article i've come across.

I'm loving the new things i'm discovering about myself

Another thing to consider would be menopause. Could it be that time? I began to feel this way when perimenopause kicked in.

''the only time I've spoken to my GP is about my anxiety / depression - they basically said because I hold down a high powered job and wasn't crying (obviously duh, I'm completely numb not a wreck) they weren't interested in helping me. But do you reckon the GP would be the right person to help me and DH?''

Good grief thats awful, not your GP, but a much better one, and they should also look at your health.

Does he not make any sexual advances to you OP?
It take two people to communicate.

Sorry you are feeling so low with this OP.

I survived sexual abuse in my childhood and the way I felt around communicating my sexual needs and wants sounds very similar to what you describe. Like a terror of expressing my feelings because that would make me bad/mad/unworthy.

As I've got older and wiser I've realised that a lot of my parenting taught me to not reveal my innermost thoughts and feelings as they would be remorselessly made fun of.

I remember as a teenager I used to literally bang my head into the wall of my bedroom because I couldn't express the thoughts in my head.

It wasn't until I met my husband, who was also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, that I really felt that I deserved to heal, and that I SHOULD choose to heal for the sake of him and my DC.

OP what fears do you have around saying "I'm horny, fancy sex?" Can you name the emotions that made you cry the other day?

Sorry folks, been away for a bit. This thread has inspired me to really really try to work on things even more - Feel like there's been a tiny bit of progress.

@Justilou definitely not menopause yet (well, I hope not!) as I'm only mid thirties.

@TheInebriati my DH has suggested this weekend again that I need to go to the GP, maybe a referral to go private. Maybe I will...it's just so much harder after a bad experience

@Mary1935 oh he definitely does make advances to me - poor DH, it's always him who has to instigate and he's all but given up because I'm so totally insular and I'm like a yo yo. I can go from green light Go and being totally up for it to shut down and stopping everything in 0.3 seconds which is bad enough but I can't even communicate to him what's made that happen, or how to prevent it. And of course that naturally impacts his confidence. Like I say, his lack of emotional depth is an issue but I'm by far the biggest problem for us, not him.

@FuriousVexation yes that does sound familiar although I wasn't sexually abused. I was verbally / emotionally abused as a child and I think I may have some strange hang ups as a result although oddly this is the first relationship they've ever really manifested in. I have a lot of thoughts which I feel both excitement and shame about in equal measure; ditto if we do certain things. it doesn't help that absolutely unintentionally DH once told me he wasn't into some of the stuff that I am. And I think that really knocked me, more than I realised to begin with.

I have very strong but internal reactions to things, but I'm often not at all clear on the triggers or how to control them.