Panicked

[Littlefluffycloudos]

My husband of 20 years has said today our marriage is over as we’re not in love anymore. He’s being very kind and reasonable but it’s definitely over and he wants to move out soon. It’s not totally out of the blue but I feel complete and utter panic at facing the future on my own, we’ve been together since university so I’ve never known much else. I never thought this would really happen, that we’d muddle through somehow.

We have a young son too who will be utterly devastated and the thought of ripping their life apart is breaking my heart.

I have no single friends, they’re all couples with young children and happy marriages - and as you can imagine our friends are so entwined. I don’t have a big family and I’m so terrified of being alone and lonely.

How do I cope in the immediate? I feel like I’m having a permanent panic attack and can’t stop crying.

Im so sorry it must be a terrible shock. Would he consider some marriage guidance? Do you feel its definite? Do you think (sorry to say it) that there is someone else? Its horrible i know. It happened to me and i thought i’d never get over it... but i did. It was a blessing in disguise. Have you a good friend to confide in ? I know its scary. How old is your son?

Thanks so much for replying. I don’t think there’s anyone else and I don’t think there’s a way forward, he’s checked out now I can see it. He’s tried to talk about leaving before but was persuaded not to. Son is 4 just.

How did you cope with it all? I just feel so alone and scared

I do feel for you. You feel like the rug is pulled from under you with your world on top of it. My friends helped me and i took it day by day. We had no kids. I had good days and bad but gradually the bad get less. I know your friends are married but they are still your friends.you’ll feel better to tell someone. But mumsnet is a great support. When will he move out. Can you se nd your son to grandparents to give you a bit of space to absorb whats happened?

I would be very, very surprised if there was no-one else, OP. You might find someone comes out of the woodwork pretty soon. It's usually the case when someone checks out of a relationship.

I hope your friends are supportive. It's a horrible situation for you.

Try to take one step at a time. Like get through an hour, then the next, if you think about your whole future it's overwhelming you and that's why you are feeling so panicked.
Everything will be ok, you will be ok. Sometimes what we think is the worst thing ever turns out to be the best thing that's ever happened.

Thank you all so much for replying. I’ve only told two people so far as we need to work out all the logistics, like how we can afford to live separately in the area so my son can remain at his school.

I have got many friends but I literally know no-one out of my circle who’s got divorced, they’re all happy families. Our social life was dinners at friends on Saturdays etc, that’s not going to happen now I’m alone as the dynamic will be so different. I don’t have girlfriends I can go out on a Saturday night with. I can just see life stretching ahead of me alone and lonely

And all the ‘advice’ I read is about how I’ll be better off without him but we’ve been together years, we get on well, he treats me well, is a brilliant Dad. There’s nothing to hate. He just doesn’t love me anymore.

Just take your time with it all; you may think your friends all happily married (they may not be!) and you are the only one but who cares? My two best friends and DHs, we used to go out in a five; we all knew each other really well but i didnt care and they didnt either. It was liberating actually thinking of just myself.

Its unusual for men to leave without someone else so do prepare for that.

Get some legal advice about your situation when you feel up to absorbing it.

Think of your future as tomorrow, next week only otherwise its overwhelming. Focus on your son and enjoying time with him. Get hair done and do things to make yourself feel good. You are going to grieve, its a loss, you’ll be sad, angry and its normal. You have to go through it but it will not last forever

On the friendship thing...
If you’ve been together 20 years since uni you’re probably early / mid 40s, and friends similar? I expect you’ll find over the next decade that you’re not the only one who gets divorced!

Anyway... divorced and single people are still allowed to have married friends! I have plenty. I don’t mess up any formal dinners where the world would fall apart if there was an odd number of women!

I know it feels awful now, but try not to catastrophise about your future social life, it will be OK.

I'm so sorry. Nothing I can say will make it feel better, our situations sound identical but my dc is younger.
Mine was a good man too, fantastic father. All got a bit messy in the end but with hindsight I should've seen ow coming, I noticed the checking out months ago and we started therapy but it was too late for us.
Do confide in your friends. I know all to well how hard that feels, it makes it real and sometimes people ask difficult questions but it's fine not to answer them or not to talk about it all.
Hour by hour, day by day. The time will pass and we must get through this for our dc.
I remember the awful panic and still get it occasionally. My gp prescribed some anxiety medication which helps the physical things, if your heart is hammering and you feel a bit out of control. They help, don't be afraid to get all the help that is offered to you. And yes unfortunately, prepare for someone else. It's a terrible cliché and I never in a million years thought it would happen to me/us, but it did and showed me that it can happen to anyone. Keep talking op

@Ellisandra thanks that means a lot. I’m just catastrophising everything at the moment. As my title says, panicking.

@KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt thanks for your kind words.

It looks like we might be living together (different bedrooms) for some months yet so this is just going to stretch on isn’t it

I know there isn’t exactly a silver lining here...
But can I just share that my daughter was 4.5 when I split from her dad.
In retrospect, I was so glad she was that age! Old enough that she understood - she didn’t wonder where each parent was, she knew we had two homes now. But young enough not to question it. She was very relaxed about it - and didn’t question my explanations at all. I know every child is different, but I honestly think it’s easier for most kids at 4 than at 7, 10, 13...

Living together for a short period is hard but doable. Plan in space away from each other if you can - a well placed weekend visit to a sibling really helped me!

@ellisandra that’s so good to hear. One of the things I’m most distraught about is how they will take it. Can I ask how you told them? What words do we use? I feel panicky thinking about it

I'm in a similar situation. Sorry you're going through this too.

My kids are 7 and 3 and have adapted really well!

It's a totally difficult and shit situation but it does get better. I'm 3 month in now and although I still feel shit a lot I now have some days where I feel really good.

I didn't think there was OW but there is. I didn't imagine in a million years I'd be in this situation!!

Mumsnet has been amazing support! Just keep posting! Ramble, vent whatever it all helps!!

Thanks @Simonfromharlow, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through the same but also good to hear it does get better.

I slept so badly. Mostly panicking about money. We both earn decently but he earns a lot more than me and there’s no way I can afford the mortgage here on my own. He’s said he will pay so we can stay in the house but paying for that and him renting even a 1 bed in this area would cost so much. About 4am I worked out that over the time until my child turns 18 that would be over £250k. That’s money my child could have had to build a good life.

I feel so so sad.

Try some nytol or something to help you get a few good nights of sleep in. I always feel better after good sleep!

I am going through the same, DP of 20 years telling me he doesn’t love me, hasn’t for months, was going to tell me after our holiday, so why you ask, did he tell me before the holiday, oh that would be because I caught the bastard having an EA with a mutual friend that he has always fancied, calling her his beautiful princess etc. I kind of blew his timetable apart.

This was 2 months ago, he stayed and we are working on it.

I have been through every emotion you have, panic, sadness, despair, hopelessness, indecisiveness, paranoia, jealousy, self loathing, hate, love, hope, rejection, I have been through it all.

All i can tell you is that it does get easier with time, for me it has been 2 months and I still cry, my emotions are all over the place but not as bad. You will have good days and bad days.

My biggest fear is that this has all been for nothing and he will leave anyway, my head says to kick him out, he will do this again, my heart however, the traitorous bastard that it is, loves him and over rules my head

OP, I’ve only read your post. He has a woman. Deep breaths, you’ll survive. Don’t waste time on counselling, get a solicitor, get the money sorted. You will be fine.

I’m not sure he has. He said he’s not in a hurry to move out so we have longer to sort stuff which doesn’t sound like it. If he has though he has it doesn’t change much does it. He’s still not in love with me and leaving us

Gosh! If I worked out how my XH and I have spent separately that could have been reduced together - bloody hell!
I mean, it’s a huge sum - I can count extra sets of uniform in two houses so no-one ever worries if they have enough cardigans that week... it’s a tidy sum.

I know this is so hard because you didn’t want this to end, and won’t feel that you were in a ‘bad’ marriage. But if you both weren’t happy and fully committed, it wasn’t ideal.

My daughter has missed out on lots of money - though I never looked at it that way! You know she had gained though?

• two happy parents
• two happy homes
• two sets of positive role models for happy relationships
• two sets of step siblings whom she adores
• a learning experience that you always have options, that you don’t have to stay in a relationship
• a learning experience that adults can be adult in a divorce (she actually thinks I like her dad )

All of that has a value too.

You asked how we told my 4 year old.

Firstly, we waited until I had a house ready to move into (4 months for purchase to go through). I thought she was too young to understand us splitting but being in the same house, and that a concrete change was better than the idea of it at some vague time in future.

The words were quite specific to her. She was in a big Disney phase and all that “true love” shite So I said “ daddy and I are friends, but we’ve realised we’re not really true loves, and really when you’re married it’s best for that to be with your true love. Mummy has bought a house 5 minutes drive away and in future you’ll get to have 2 houses! I’ve got a book* about 2 homes if you want to see?”

I think it was called “My Two Homes” and was just a picture book - my toothbrush at mummy’s house is blue, at my other house it is red - something like that.

She read that with me, then said “can I see the new house?”. So we went as a 3 and she enjoyed exploring it (I’d decorated her bedroom in advance!). She asked if we could stay there that night - so we did.

A couple of opinions I have:

• I don’t get the ‘tell them you both love them still’ thing. Why introduce the idea that you might not? Child dependent, but mine was 100% secure that we each adored her - didn’t cross her self centred mind that we didn’t!

• moving out, it doesn’t have to be sudden. I had agreed with XH that if she struggled when we told her, I would slow the pace of moving out. As it happens, she was fine. I work away a lot, so I think that helped - it wasn’t weird for her to be in the house with just him.

I do think I was lucky, she has always been very relaxed! But I wanted to reassure you that it isn’t always hell.

When I picked her up from nursery next day, her key worker (I’d asked her to keep an eye) told me she’d been boasting about have not one but two houses. Recently she had to do a “where do I feel safe” poster at school. She wrote “in my homes”. I actually welled up at “homes”. It’s a reality for many children who are perfectly happy with it. I know that’s in the future for you, but you’ll get there x

@ellisandra that is so helpful thank you so much I appreciate it.

It’s so hard because all the (hundreds of!) threads I’m reading are about deeply unhappy relationships or affairs which you can see eventually you’re better off out of.

In our case we’ve just been together so long it’s become a friend relationship not romantic. It makes it harder to see the positives of being alone. We get along. We parent well. Life is (was) fine. He just wants more than that

I doubt after all this time and you having a young child that there isn't someone else in the wings - it's not often that such a longterm relationship gets broken up without trying when there's nobody else in the mix ... try to talk to him properly and, for such a brilliant dad he doesn't seem to be considering his child in all of this really - good luck

He keeps breaking down crying at what he’s doing to our child so I think be does care. He said he just can’t live a lie and it’s making him a horrible person to me.