Panicked

[Littlefluffycloudos]

My husband of 20 years has said today our marriage is over as we’re not in love anymore. He’s being very kind and reasonable but it’s definitely over and he wants to move out soon. It’s not totally out of the blue but I feel complete and utter panic at facing the future on my own, we’ve been together since university so I’ve never known much else. I never thought this would really happen, that we’d muddle through somehow.

We have a young son too who will be utterly devastated and the thought of ripping their life apart is breaking my heart.

I have no single friends, they’re all couples with young children and happy marriages - and as you can imagine our friends are so entwined. I don’t have a big family and I’m so terrified of being alone and lonely.

How do I cope in the immediate? I feel like I’m having a permanent panic attack and can’t stop crying.

I can only give advice to a certain extent, currently 6 months into being separated from husband, we'd been together 15 years, have two young sons, 4 and 1, I initiated the break because of his behaviour, so the difference being it was something I wholeheartedly wanted.

But I can try give some advice on your son, it really was not as difficult as we thought, and he has adapted really well and we have maintained a good relationship when it comes to what the children see (other aspects strained again due to his behaviour). We've made where exh lives a fun loving place for them to also be, they get so excited to spend time there, I went around quite a bit to help them settle initially and still sometimes pop over to see them before they go to bed on nights he has them. For us there is rarely a day where both of us don't see the boys. We don't say "daddy's house" or mummy's house, but call them by the house number, for example "house number 1". The 4 year old gets extremely excited to tell people he has two houses, and while a lot of people tend to react with pity, I can see how much happier he is now than he was living in the presence of a strained marriage. I of course know this may change over time but both of us are committed to making sure they feel and are the most important people here.

Hope you're ok

(As a disclaimer, my ex h has handled our split awfully and has acted in some extremely horrible weird ways, yet we're still doing what we can to put the children first and that means I'm having to look past a lot of crap!!)

He keeps breaking down crying at what he’s doing to our child so I think be does care. He said he just can’t live a lie and it’s making him a horrible person to me.

On that basis I'd assume either OW or he's gay/asexual.

Have tou asked him what he means by "living a lie"?

@boymum9 thanks so much for that. It’s so reassuring to here about the adaptability of children because he does love his dad so and we’ve always been equal caregivers. I feel really torn between providing the equal time like you have and trying to keep my little ‘baby’ to myself. I know the former is right and what I will do but it’s so hard to let go when they’re so little.

I also wish my husband would stop being so reasonable. He’s being so nice it’s making it harder. He’s all ‘whatever you want, I still care for you so much and want to make this as easy as possible for you’. I’m really sorry to hear your ex is being so awful and well done to you got rising above it all!

hear

@FuriousVexation yes it’s just that he doesn’t love me and we’re not intimate and it’s not a relationship anymore. He doesn’t want to pretend it is.

I’m pretty sure there’s no OW now but I think he believes we’ll both find someone else in the next couple of years and all be blissfully happy in a blended family

@FuriousVexation yes it’s just that he doesn’t love me and we’re not intimate and it’s not a relationship anymore. He doesn’t want to pretend it is.

Reading between the lines how long has it been since you were intimate ?
Who stopped being intimate ?

Without intimacy you become like brother and sister.

So when ow comes along it is easy to be tempted (you only have to read Mumsnet re: sexless relationships)

If you were having a vigorous sex life would he still want to leave?

Even when you live someone no sex can be a deal breaker .

I really don't think your relationship is dead in the water
And I'm pretty sure he's had his head turned.

#love # somebody I Mean not live.

@Littlefluffycloudos what you're saying sounds just like my ex h!

@Robin2323 I’m afraid it is dead. He’s very very sure about that. He sees me like his sister and can’t imagine me in that way again

@Simonfromharlow sorry you went through this but glad I’m not alone

Don't panic. Your very young still and it really won't be as bad as you think. Between your job and your child you will see plenty of people and not rot away on your own

You've had terrific advice above. Can I add one more thing? See a solicitor and find out where you stand legally.

Being nice will not last. I too am sorry to say he almost 100% has someone else in the wings (he might not be in a rush because she's got to tell her husband?). When s he's ready he will not be as nice and things will get strained when he doesn't want to part with any cash. My bf's ex earned triple figures and left her with £125 pm (2dc) and thought he was being generous. When they divorced she got £+++ more. He was nice at the beginning too.

You will be ok. But be wise and see a solicitor.

Thanks for replying @madroid. I said we should sell the house and he’s insisting he’ll pay for it and I’ll have the car etc so so far he’s being reasonable. He adores our child. And says he still deeply cares and loves me. It’s just not relationship love. Who knows, maybe he will suddenly become evil and it’s all good advice but I don’t think so. Even if he was seeing someone else

Sorry this has happened Fluffy. FWIW my XH started going on about 'we never have any fun anymore' about a year before we split up. He could never describe what form this fun would take, but hey ho. He eventually behaved so badly I got him to leave, but then he could blame me....turns out he was in fact Online Dating, and I believe he may have been doing this for some time. Laughably, he met his current wife on a 'Christian' OD site, and I suspect we may have been living together at the time, still as a couple. Anyway, he went, behaved very badly, moans to anyone who will listen, including my DSis at our DD's 18th how crap the new wife is.... Long story short, I am much happier now. I did manage the financials, actually wasn't any worse off, as it meant I was entitled to tax credits etc. It was a horrible time, but I survived. You will too

Sorry your going through this but I have to echo what others have said, there will be someone else. He may be being nice because he feels guilty. All I can say is, be prepared for him to tell you he’s met someone. I’m going through similar so I understand, my ex is still being nice but it won’t last. Best of luck op, it’s shit, and it’s going to be shit for a while but slowly you’ll get through it.

Get to the solicitor and get as much put in place whilst he is being reasonable. I hope it lasts, but it may not. Also, you need a SH lawyer. I find the women are more understanding about this and will fight harder for you, IME before anyone jumps on me!

Marriages break up all the time but your husband has presented this to you as a fait accompli - he has not suggested trying to improve things, counselling etc . I would likely believe there is someone else as well. You are just playing catch up .

What makes you say this ? I’m pretty sure there’s no OW now but I think he believes we’ll both find someone else in the next couple of years and all be blissfully happy in a blended family Has he said this ?

Get legal advice about what you are entitled to . Do not accept what he says .Do not offer to sell the house etc before you get advice . As for the day to day feeling crap well you just get on with it - do see your GP if you think you need some anti anxiety but they are not all very friendly to that . It will get better . You thought you knew the future and that has now changed and that is what is scary BUT you will be OK . Many of us have been through it and it does get better .

How are you OP? Have you managed to get any legal advice as to the situation with house? I hope you are feeling a little panicked but it does take time with emotions veering all over the place. I remember it well ... just dont decide anything too hastily xx

oP - I meant LESS panicked - oops. Hope you are ok...

Thanks for your message @keaneno1fan. It looks like we’ll be staying in the house together for a while at least whilst our child is still small. We have enough rooms to sleep separately and still get on well enough to sit together etc.

It makes financial sense too as in London where renting a 2 bed is as much per month as our mortgage currently is. I may look to go back to work 5 days as week as currently on 4, that will bump my salary back up.

It’s just all so sad: we get on in so many ways and are both good people

@Sarahjconnor exactly what my ex h did.

Thanks for the advice, it’s wise. I’m not sure how he can screw me financially though. We joint own the house and have been married over 10 years. Yes he earns more than me but I earn a decent salary too so I wouldn’t get spousal support and he’d need to pay child support whatever. Maybe I’m being completely naive but what could he do to screw me over?

I think the relationship probably is past the ‘making it work’ stage to be fair. We’ve danced around this for years and are living as friends not partners really. The spark is gone

Has he been honest with money to date?
Yes as far as I’m aware and I’ve known him 20 years

Could he have been squirrelling it away to build up a nest egg?
Unlikely, we both have separate bank accounts and put money into a joint account each month for bills etc

Is everything he is supposed to pay paid up to date?
Yes

Are all bills etc in his name?
They’re mixed between us

Is he self employed?
No and couldn’t be in his role

Could he lie about his income to reduce CM?
I don’t see how he has a salaried role with payslips

How will pensions be split?
THIS we do need to sort out as he has a generous final salary pension.

Other investments?
Only £10k in ISA’s that I hold

Does he have any big bonuses or payments due that are prompting the split now?
No

There are a lot of ways that people can behave appallingly. Maybe he is a good man and won't, but I wouldn't trust it.

Absolutely I agree. I’ll look to make a checklist of things to check and ensure I’ve got a handle on

In our case we’ve just been together so long it’s become a friend relationship not romantic

Who withdrew the intimacy? And why? If it was you, I would admit you were wrong to do so, and say that you want to try again. If you're in your 40's, did you expect him to just live a celibate life for the next few decades?

THIS we do need to sort out as he has a generous final salary pension

When I divorced my first husband, he had a much higher pension pot than me. The 2 values were added together and divided by 2, and I got a lot more cash from the settlement, to make up for the imbalance.

You need a very good Solicitor. Please believe me when I say to you that he won't be nice forever. Once he is getting his ear bent by another woman, he will do a 180. My ExH begged me not to leave him, promised me the earth....once I had left he was a nasty little shit and now he is NC with me, even though we have shared children (now adults but they weren't when he went NC).

Having said all of this, maybe you could salvage things by reigniting the intimacy? Might be too late, but equally it might not.