Brave babes are still here: sping / summer / autumn / winter There is always someone around

[venusandmars]

This topic had being going for years and years and years. Maybe almost as long as some people have been struggling with drinking.

We are still here. Supporting, encouraging, helping. Never judging, never minimising our problems.

If you want to catch up, our last thread is HERE

And if you want to follow everything from the start, the very first thread from 9 years ago is RIGHT HERE

You can join in anytime. Everyone is welcome. Whether you are trying to cut down, abstain completely , or are simply acknowledging that you might have a problem... Post what you want.

[LilyRose88]

Hello everyone, can I join the thread? I went to AA in 1996 a couple of times but didn't really get on with it as I felt so different to everyone there. I did stop drinking for 10 years though. From about 2006 onwards I would have a few drinks here and there, and my drinking gradually got worse. I can go weeks and months without a drink, but once I have one drink I end up having four or five. My usual pattern is to go out once a week or so and drink about four or five glasses of wine. That is enough to get me completely trashed. I will also have one evening a week when I drink a bottle of wine at home (I live alone).

I have the usual feelings of regret and paranoia the next day, plus I get raging hangovers. I decided yesterday that I wanted to stop drinking completely as it is all or nothing for me. I went to an AA meeting last night and will try to go to at least one a week. I don't really 'feel' the whole 'higher power' or 12 step' thing, but I reckon that going to meetings will keep me on the straight and narrow. I feel strangely calm about the thought that I might never have a drink again. But of course, this is only day two and I am very good at going cold turkey for a short period. The acid test will be whether I can sustain it.

I have just started a new relationship, and I think this has triggered my desire to get sober. He has already seen me very drunk three times, and whilst he was very sweet about it, I think it would become a problem if it carried on. I am probably not going to tell him that I am an alcoholic, in fact I don't think I have ever told anyone, but I will tell him that I am going to stop drinking for a while. I am a runner and I have a few races coming up, so I will tell him it is part of my training.

I will check in regularly on this thread if you don't mind, as I think it will be helpful to keep me grounded. I will also do my best to support other posters who may be struggling.

[Craftycorvid]

Hi Lilyrose. Welcome to the bus.

[LilyRose88]

Hi Craftycorvid happy to hitch a ride.

[marlu]

Welcome Lilyrose, take a seat and make yourself comfortable :) A 10 year abstinence is an incredible feat! I know what you mean about a new relationship though- just before I met my DH I gave up smoking due to illness and an (inexplicable at the time) feeling that I just didn't want to smoke anymore. Not long after, I met my DH and I'm certain he would not have asked me out if I was still a smoker. So it was fate playing its hand.
Funnily enough, every now and then I feel that the universe is guiding me towards sobriety (or some version thereof) for a reason. It is being quite insistent, yet patient. Sorry to sound so hocus pocus...
On another note, our family lunch yesterday went really well :) Not in small part due to the fact my venomous SIL was not present. I drove, so was not drinking. There was a lovely selection of AF cocktails, one of which had chilli in it :) I discovered you can actually buy a chilli syrup, but it is also easy to make. So as not to feel totally deprived, at home last night I tried a low alcohol wine (5%) which wasn't too bad at all (or maybe I'm just less fussy these days :)). It still gave me that "sense of occasion" having a wine glass in hand, but with just a small buzz and no hangover, racing blood pressure or anxiety. Not a permanent solution, just an alternative while I'm weaning myself off the real stuff.
I'm also reading back through all the old threads, from the beginning. I see you have been here almost from the start venus, thanks for your commitment to the group. Are you still meditating?
A few posts have been incredibly powerful. Chinkoflight if you still read this thread I salute you for your bravery. I hope life being good to you.

[LilyRose88]

marlu thank you. Sadly my new boyfriend came round yesterday shortly after I had posted and told me that he didn't want to see me anymore. He said that he 'just wasn't feeling it'! I was very gracious about it and wished him luck, but it was hurtful. I decided to go up the road afterwards and buy myself a Magnum ice cream.

I must make sure that I don't start binging on chocolate though as I do find that when I first give up alcohol I get sugar cravings. I already need to lose a few pounds so I am going to look into nice sugar free soft drinks that aren't full of artificial sweeteners and flavourings.

[Craftycorvid]

So sorry to hear that, Lilyrose. At least he had the grace to explain himself. Re sugar cravings: yes, I had them too! Makes sense when you calculate the amount of sugar in alcohol. I guess our bodies just crave it as we have got used to it.

[LilyRose88]

Crafty how did you deal with the sugar cravings? When I gave up alcohol for 10 years I initially put loads of weight on, and I really don't think my self esteem could cope with me doing that right now. I already pretty much hate myself for being so weak that I can't have a drink like a normal person, and I am also going through a dreadful time at work. I was thinking about trying to get signed off work due to anxiety but am not sure how amendable my GP would be. Last time I went there about something the doctor was very dismissive. I am struggling to concentrate on anything at the moment, and lots of negative thoughts about myself keep coming into my mind. Just self critical thoughts, not suicidal thoughts.

[JK1773]

Hi all. Can I join? I’ve come to the sickening realisation today that my relationship with alcohol is unhealthy. I don’t believe I am alcoholic but i abuse alcohol. I want to stop.
When I go out I want to get as drunk as possible as quickly as possible. I now drink wine on nights out rather than cider or lager so it’s stronger and the hangovers are awful. I’m worried about my health deteriorating. I have had some time off work so last week I was out Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Its ridiculous. And expensive. Today I’ve done nothing at all. I dropped out of a day out with family because I felt so ill and depressed.
My significant friendships are based around the pub. My friends mean the world to me and as I live alone I don’t want to be sitting in alone every night either.
I’m scared to be honest, my mental health is deteriorating. I’ve had a lot of trauma this year.
I’ve tried limiting it to one or 2 nights a week which worked for a little while but doesn’t last. I’ve never gone out and not drunk but I might try that perhaps.
I just feel a bit lost and upset with myself. I haven’t drunk today and have no desire to. I have invitations out this week Thursday, Friday and Saturday again!!! Thursday is a pub quiz I do every week, I could not drink there. Saturday is something I could drive to. How do people do it? I just think in a few days I’ll forget how I feel right now and go back to bingeing all weekend 😢

[LilyRose88]

Hello JK1773 and welcome. I am very new so don't really have any great words of wisdom but for me what is working is accepting that I am an alcoholic and going to AA meetings. My situation may be different to others at the meetings, as I managed to hold it together and only drink a couple of nights a week, and I could go for quite long periods without drinking. However, once I have one drink I have no off switch. In fact I can't have just one drink as it will lead to five drinks!. That realisation helped me decide to go and get help via AA. So far it has been kay and I am going to meetings every couple of days. And I am taking it one day at a time.

[venusandmars]

Hi JK that sickening realisation (as horrible as it feels) is such a great step forward, admitting to yourself that things have got out of control.

The thing to do now is plan, plan, plan. A wise man (posting on here) once advised to plan your non-drinking with as much effort as you used to plan your drinking. Previously you'd never go to the pub with no money, or forget to buy wine for drinking at home. So make the same plans to limit your drinking: - meet good friends for coffee or an evening at the cinema, or a walk round the zoo; arrange to drive; plan your non-alcoholic drinks in advance (what will you ask for in the pub?); do your shopping at a small shop that doesn't sell alcohol, or take a friend to the supermarket with you and follow your shopping list meticulously (no sneaky trips down the booze aisles).

And plan what you are going to say to your friends if they ask, or try to pressurise you. Tell them you have a headache, or be honest and say that wine is messing with your mental health, or that you're trying to lose weight.

And find all the support you can, local alcohol groups, posting on here. And keep coming back, even (and especially) if you're finding it difficult or messing up.

[marlu]

Sorry it didn't work out lilyrose. :( I've had sugar cravings too, and I'm starting to feel a little pudgy, so I'm trying a few non-food related things that give me a buzz. Would focussing more on your running help? Maybe join a running group?
Welcome JK1773. :) For years my friendship group was based around the pub, too. I find that "having to drive" or limiting the amount of time you spend at the pub (e.g "I have to be home in an hour as I'm expecting an overseas call") are good excuses. Can you switch from wine to a light lager? I'm avoiding sparkling wine and full strength white wine as I don't seem to be able to control myself around either. Most other forms of alcohol don't seem to have the same effect on me.

[JK1773]

Thank you all for your messages. The planning one is really good. I’ve already decided I’m not going to drink on Thursday or Saturday. I’ll drive Saturday and on Thursday I can make an excuse like up early for work or something.
I actually feel very motivated at the moment, mainly because my mental health seems so poor and I’m not used to it. I hate feeling like this. I’m at work today but spent yesterday in bed, what a waste. I’m trying to keep busy. Thank you again.

[LilyRose88]

I went to another AA meeting last night instead of going to yoga, and it was a really good meeting. I stayed to chat to one of the helpers and got some good advice about which local groups might be best for me. I am feeling a little bit more positive about things and have decided not to go to my GP to get signed off work. I am going to go to more meetings and try to distract myself with positive activities in order to nip the negative thoughts in the bud. I'm sure I will have moments when my anxiety ratchets up a few notches, but being alcohol-free is really helping me as it happens. I still get a knot in my stomach when I think about certain things (mainly work-related) but I have started to plan how best to deal with difficult situations, rather than feel overwhelmed by them. I have also done a few 'so what is the worst that can happen?' type of scenarios in my head, which has helped me put things in perspective.

I am not able to drink even low alcohol drinks, as I find that they don't hit the spot and just lead to me wanting something stronger. But if they work for some of you that has to be a good thing. I have found some Robinsons mint and lime cordial which is really nice. It is a bit sweet but I dilute it quite a bit and it is very refreshing.

I am also planning how to deal with two social events that are happening on the next two Saturdays which would normally involve copious amounts of alcohol. One is a music festival, and I am taking a refillable water bottle to that, and will tell my friends that I am doing a detox. The other is a weekend away with some friends who are big drinkers, and I plan to tell them that I have got a drink problem and have stopped drinking. They will be shocked as I drink a lot less than them, but I can trust them to keep the information to themselves and be supportive to me.

[JK1773]

LilyRose88 you sound like you’re making positive plans. Really good.
My lovely friend who I’ve told about feeling depressed, keeps messaging me which is nice but I’d just like her to back off a bit without offending her. I need to just be alone right now after work. I haven’t told anyone about the alcohol issue yet.
I don’t know about meetings because I can’t imagine giving up completely just yet. I just want to cut down massively. I’m worried I’ll drift away from my friends, I hope not. I’ll need to get used to going out and not drinking which is a bit daunting but at the same time I’m looking forward to feeling better. I’m reaching towards that at the minute

[LilyRose88]

I went to an AA meeting last night in the city where I work. It was okay but not as good as my local meetings. It seemed to be a combination of posh ladies who lunch and very laddish men. They were all very kind though and they did have a section where new people and people who had only been sober for less than 50 days were invited to speak for 3 minutes each. I made myself say a few words and felt quite proud of myself afterwards.

[marlu]

Well done Lilyrose!! :)

[marlu]

By the way, lilyrose, about the sugar cravings... I think mine are starting to level out a bit so I think maybe just give your system time to recalibrate...

[LilyRose88]

marlu thank you for the reassurance about sugar cravings. I put on so much weight last time I gave up alcohol but I suspect that it was because I just replaced alcohol with food as a numbing technique, and also because I had no support as I did it without AA. This time I am feeling much more serene about the whole thing, and am also listening carefully to what people at AA say when they share at meetings. Even if their story is very different to my situation, I have been finding points which resonate with me in almost every 'share'. This has helped me understand myself and my relationship with alcohol so much better.

Another thing that I have found really helpful is to stop romanticising about alcohol. It was never nice when I drank as I always got trashed and felt awful the next day. The pretty picture of drinking a glass of rose wine in the garden in the sun with friends whilst wearing a floaty summer dress was never my reality. It was always far messier than that once I got my hands on some wine. I always ended up falling all over the place and probably saying embarrassing things. I would wake up the next day with bruises and not even remember how I got them.

One of the big things I have learned is how much I have lied to others and deluded myself about my drinking. So for example I told my friends and work colleagues that I rarely drink and made excuses for the times that I got absolutely trashed when I was with them (bad day at work etc). And I didn't tell people that I sometimes used to drink a bottle of wine on my own at home in the evening - I used to say that I never drunk alone. My Ocado order told a different story ………

I am seriously considering telling people that I have stopped drinking as I was worried about the amount that I drunk, rather than just telling them that I am on a health kick, or making yet another excuse! I am going to tell my daughters that I am going to AA, although I will emphasise that I am well and that they have nothing to worry about.

[venusandmars]

Hi LilyRose great to read that you are taking yourself so seriously and considering how to manage your life without drinking. It is so easy to be light-hearted or glib about it and to pretend that it doesn't really matter or that it's funny. There was nothing funny about me staggering around the house, upsetting people, or getting myself into situations that were potentially dangerous.

And well done on going to AA meetings. I know that some people are put off by the 'higher power' concept but there is such a lot of wisdom in their approach and if you find the right meetings for you it can be brilliant.

[Craftycorvid]

Hi all! Wow, lots of posts! I’ve missed these. Lilyrose how’s the sugar craving? I suppose I gave into it a bit - my drinking tended to be in the evening and for a while I used to treat myself to some posh ice cream instead of a drink. If you think how many calories are in alcohol, and how easy it is to drink 1000 calories worth of wine compared with eating that much chocolate or whatever, you possibly aren’t adding that much to your diet. It did level off a bit for me. JK1773 telling people is a big step, and reminding yourself of the reality of what drinking a lot can lead to can help motivation. Good luck! I found anxiety was the very first thing to improve when I stopped drinking - such a powerful incentive to keep going. As Venus says: plan, plan, plan so you are prepared for cravings.

[LilyRose88]

Craftycorvid my anxiety used to go through the roof the day after I had been drinking. I would have that sinking feeling in my stomach and a lump in my throat all day. I have noticed that my anxiety is a lot better this week and I have only been sober for 6 days! I am hoping that I will continue to feel good. My skin is looking nice - I always used to get a spot or some blotches after I had been drinking. I have found some low calorie ice cream called Oppo which is hitting the spot in the evenings, and helping with the sugar cravings.

[JK1773]

LilyRose88 you’re doing great! Thank to venusandmars and Craftycorvid for you’re welcomes. I’ve not had any alcohol now for 3 days but I’m supposed to be going out tonight. I regular weekly quiz. I’m absolutely torn whether to go and not drink or whether to skip it. I need to make up my mind shortly. My friend asked me if I wanted to meet her beforehand for a glass of wine. I declined that and told her I was cutting back drinking. She’s been supporting me all week because she knows I’ve been very down so I felt bad turning her down but she seems ok. She didn’t really comment on the alcohol thing, I expect she doesn’t believe me. We both abuse alcohol and have for years.
I think going to the quiz and not drinking could be quite empowering but then again I’m tired. Argh decisions

[Craftycorvid]

Hi JK1773 hope the pub quiz went well if you decided to go. Alcohol-free socialising seems like a high wire act without a safety net at first. It does feel very odd doing things sober that you’d normally associate with drinking. It gets easier. Making every other drink a soft drink can work if you want to moderate rather than go completely AF. If you don’t want to go into explanations about why you aren’t drinking, I’d advise saying whatever feels ok, be that ‘I’m taking medication at the moment’ or ‘I’m doing it for charity’. It can feel a bit much when people ask questions, but most people won’t even notice.

[JK1773]

Hi Crafty I decided not to go in the end. Just felt safer staying at home. A Friday without a hangover is new

[LilyRose88]

JK1773 well done for not drinking last night. I went to another AA meeting last night because I won't be able to go to one on Saturday as I am going to a festival with some friends. There were a couple of people I recognised from other AA meetings and one of them told me that festivals often have an AA stand near the wellbeing section, so I will look out for it. I am going to take a refillable water bottle with me and make sure that I have it in my hand all the time.

It is so nice not having a hangover and I am focusing on that rather than worrying too much about how I will cope on Saturday. I have decided to get to the festival a bit later than I was originally planning to do, so that I don't end up getting bored and tempted to have a drink. I have also cancelled meeting up with another group of friends at the festival as they were going drinking as soon as they got there. I just made an excuse as I don't know them that well and didn't want to share too much personal stuff with them.

There is an AA meeting a few miles away that I might go to tonight actually, if I feel that I need a boost before tomorrow.

Good luck to everyone struggling with being sober today, it really is one day at a time. x