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Original poster

Can a marriage survive an affair?

36 replies

Isreeh · 27/06/2019 14:34

My DH has now apparently left the OW. Is considering couples counselling again with me. My question is, can a marriage survive an affair? The affair was first time in a short marriage.
Thx

OP posts:
lifegoes · 27/06/2019 14:35

There's another thread going about this and the general response is no.

Auellica · 27/06/2019 14:42

It’s up to you.

If you want to try again then you have to be able to focus on the future. You can’t forget the past and you’re entitled to feel devastated about it.

You both need to move forward and work towards him doing what is necessary to regain your trust.

You need to make the conscious decision to not throw the affair back in his face. By deciding you want to try and move past it, it’ll only add toxicity to the situation.

MMmomDD · 27/06/2019 14:50

Long marriage, kids, life intertwined and all that - makes it harder to separate and often women are in a dependent position, so stay and try to make it work.

It’s unclear why would someone in a short marriage would do that.
Clearly your H wasn’t ready for marriage - either in general, or with you specifically. So - i’d cut losses and start over with someone else.

PicsInRed · 27/06/2019 15:51

Short marriage, no kids?
Fuck that, woman, you're free now.

Run like your arse was on fire.
🔥🔥🔥

KOKOtiltomorrow · 27/06/2019 15:59

I'm wondering the same although my H didn't technically have an affair - he left me to be with someone else (but I was having issues and was abusive to him at times) although I suspect it started as an EA. We are attempting to try again but it is really hard to do the look forward not back thing. I blame myself for him leaving and believe he wouldn't have left if my behaviour hadn't been so awful so I am hoping we can put it behind us.....but knowing he has slept with another woman and they have bought each other presents etc.....so hard. But we've been together nearly 25 years and have a better life together than apart.

MulticolourMophead · 27/06/2019 16:00

I wouldn't. He's shown he can't be trusted.

wheelywheelynice · 27/06/2019 16:16

He'll do it again. Once a cheat always a cheat.

Scorpiovenus · 27/06/2019 16:44

it wont work

only time it will is if you yourself have an affair and then wont feel the need to bring it up as you are even lol.

It wont work out so save yourself the time and leave him, women really do need to stop Enabling men.

threesecrets · 27/06/2019 19:34

If you don't have many combined responsibilities eg no house or kids I would just divorce quickly

Littlehouse156 · 27/06/2019 19:39

Did he choose her over you? Did he leave?

I would say there should be no coming back from that.

You only have his word that he has “left” her. It may have been her that dumped him but then he wouldn’t tell you that.

No kids - leave

Original poster
Isreeh · 27/06/2019 19:49

He left me for her claiming it was me causing him anxiety. But the truth is she’s a drug addict and he got caught up in it all. She lead him down that path too, but now he realises that she’s too damaged and think fixing his marriage is now back on the cards. I’m lost, I still love m my DH but not this person.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 27/06/2019 19:55

So...the shiny new domestic appliance is a druggy broke so he's dragging the old one back out of storage until the next ShinySparkleNew happens along?

SandyY2K · 27/06/2019 20:00

It was his first affair that you know about. I'd find it hard to trust him and he wants to come back to you because she's a drug addict and damaged.

If she wasn't a drug addict, he"d still be with her... this essentially makes you plan B.

It's not because he realised his heart is with you...but you're better than a druggie.... and in his mind... you're there waiting for him.

A marriage can survive an affair, but the circumstances of this one don't bode well. If he strayed in a short marriage with no kids...which are an added challenge...what hope do you have going forwards.

The way he says fixing his marriage is back on the cards .. like he knows you'll take him back no matter what. Talk about arrogant.

You might love him... but does he really love you? Because his actions so far don't say so.

TeaForTheWin · 27/06/2019 20:01

I think the real question is - SHOULD a marriage survive an affair?

In your case - he blames YOU for his affair (hahaha wtf), he takes drugs, he isn't actually the person you love (you just love an idea of who he once was) and you've only been married a short time and he is already dipping his wick elsewgere - resounding NO from me.

The drugs alone probably should have got you out of there tbh though.

He isn't going to get better, he isnt going to become a decent human being, he isn't going to ever love you the way he should and next time he cheats that'll conveniently be 'your fault' too. Oh and fyi, he'll probably use any couple concealing to further manipulate you...if he even actually shows up.

Take your escape while it's been handed to you on a plate. Or forever regret not doing so.

Oblomov19 · 27/06/2019 20:07

No. Once trust is gone? It's gone.

Oblomov19 · 27/06/2019 20:10

So he chose her? Till he realised finally what a nutcase and druggie she was. Oh that's flattering, to you! Not.

Overseasmom100 · 27/06/2019 20:23

No

MsDogLady · 27/06/2019 20:33

She led him down that path too.

No, he made that choice himself. OW didn’t force him. Likewise, he is blaming you for his cheating.

It sounds like he is an immature, entitled loser who refuses to take responsibility for his poor life choices. He has proven to be a bad bet. Don’t sabotage your life by taking him back.

Littlehouse156 · 27/06/2019 20:36

That answer adds weight to the No then. Don’t waste your life on a loser like him

HollowTalk · 27/06/2019 20:38

You realise that if she wasn't on drugs he'd still be with her, don't you

You've had a narrow escape - tell him to bugger off and leave you alone.

SandyY2K · 27/06/2019 20:38

It does seem like he blames everyone else but himself.

He claimed you were the reason he left and she led him down the path.

What happens when another woman leads him down the path? Since he has no mind of his own.

smallereveryday · 27/06/2019 21:14

It depends. My marriage is 15 yrs post affair. Stronger than ever. Not a popular view I know.

TooManyPuppies · 27/06/2019 22:17

Not a popular view I know.

It's not that it's not a popular view. It's just very uncommon. I can't understand how someone who has been cheated on can just forget about it and fully let go. Makes it easier for the cheater to do it again though... But if the one cheated on wants to turn a blind eye and forget about it, that's better for them in the long run. For me and many others, the damage is not able to be fixed so easily. So good on you for being able to overcome that. It's something many of us will never be able to do, nor would I want to.

Short marriage, no kids? Fuck that, woman, you're free now.

Totally agree. While a marriage can continue after affair, happy or not, usually its because of all the history, kids, etc.

In this situation I'd be gone. No reason to stay and nothing to keep you in contact for many years like kids. Why waste time on this. The trust is gone, if like majority of us, it never fully goes away. You have the chance to be completely free of this loser. Why wait until you have kids and it's more complex for him to do it again making it all more difficult.

Anyone in this situation would be crazy to go running back.

TheInebriati · 27/06/2019 22:40

Is considering couples counselling again with me

That sounds like he thinks you are sitting there waiting for him. He left you for another women, he doesn't get to announce you'll have counselling to fix things. Don't do it.

AllMixedUp76 · 27/06/2019 23:23

Your h sounds like a spoilt little brat. Meh...It's all your fault
Yours: for causing me anxiety
Hers: leading me down that path
I'd slap him, not forgive him and certainly not get back with him!

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