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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just gave DP an ultimatum.

33 replies

Thisizit · 27/06/2019 11:43

Either he pulls his socks up and stops drinking or he leaves.

Last night I found him asleep sat up at 4am having dranky at least 6 beers (from what I see in the bin)

He took the kids to school and is now asleep.

I just said it's not normal.

He has had a rough time lately and is also grieving the loss of a friend but I'm not putting up with this.

He acts like I'm just being dramatic.

He has at least 50 units a week.

I came down so we could talk but I think he's gone back to sleep

OP posts:
Frownette · 27/06/2019 11:58

Oh god, did he drive?

Does he normally drink this much?

Rainbowqueeen · 27/06/2019 12:01

You are doing the right thing

Speak to alanon for support. This is no life for your kids

Poppyfr33 · 27/06/2019 12:02

Why did you let him drive?

Original poster
Thisizit · 27/06/2019 12:16

Who said anything about driving? Confused

Neither of us drive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisizit · 27/06/2019 12:17

He has 4 beers a night. He doesn't think it's a problem.

I hate it.

We've stopped having sex because I can't stand the smell of the alcohol.

He's come down stairs and is acting like Everything's normal.

OP posts:
Isitweekendyet · 27/06/2019 12:18

God Op, you’re doing the right thing.

He may be struggling but he’s also neglecting his family.

Not acceptable, hopefully this will be the wake up call he needs... good luck

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2019 12:18

If you issue an ultimatum you have to follow it through otherwise there is no point. You can only as well issue such a thing once.

Talking to an alcoholic whilst he is drinking is a wasted of your time and about as effective as peeing in the ocean.

You need to get rid of this man now because his primary relationship is with drink, its not with you or your children. He is not a good partner to you and certainly not good for your children either. They do not need someone with a drink problem in their home lives.

You cannot help someone like this, you can only help your own self here. Al-anon are very good at helping family members of problem drinkers and I would urge you to contact them. I would also suggest you read about codependency and alcoholism in relationships.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2019 12:20

He is in denial and does not think it is a problem. He is likely also to be badly under estimating just how much he is knocking back too.

Do not keep n subjecting yourself and your kids to his drinking and associated drinking behaviours. You need to stop propping him up and otherwise enabling him as you have done. Your own recovery from this will only start properly once you are aware from him.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/06/2019 12:23

If you don't follow through on this ultimatum you are fucked. You had better mean what you say.

AgentJohnson · 27/06/2019 12:45

You had better mean what you say.

This

pointythings · 27/06/2019 18:22

You have to follow through on an ultimatum. So do it. Contact Al-Anon and get some support for yourself, and then maintain that boundary you have set.

It will be hard, but your life will be immeasurably better. Been there, done that. My H ended up ultimately choosing the drink and it cost him his life, but DDs and I are so much happier now.

Friendlywarrior · 27/06/2019 22:14

You seriously need to follow through with what you said.. I did just what you are doing now about 12 years ago.

I've been doing it every 18 - 24 months since. His usual is around 8 cans a night and more on the weekend. He doesn't drive. Our daughter is 13 now and hates that he drinks. He's a fantastic father and a good husband, he works very hard. He had chest pains in March and still hasn't been checked out properly. I told him 3 weeks ago that if he didn't sort it out I would leave. I told him my plans and what would happen. I even had a conversation with our daughter who supports my decision. Even though she adores her dad. These years have been good but also awful and if I could talk to myself I'd say, go now. Much love xx

IWantMyHatBack · 27/06/2019 23:16

I've been there. You're doing the right thing, but only if you're prepared to follow through

My ex never thought I'd leave. He didn't think I could afford to. He was wrong. Despite years and years of his drunken bullshit it still came as a complete surprise when I left him.

Original poster
Thisizit · 28/06/2019 07:46

We had a talk and he's agreed to not drink at all in the week and limit himself to 5 beers on Friday and Saturday night.

He didn't have a drink last night, first night in months.

He said he's going to take the money he's saved from his weekly beer (at least 30 quid) and take the kids out on Saturday.

He knew I was being serious. He's a fantastic father and partner, this just crept up and became his crutch.

I believe him that he is going to stick to this.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/06/2019 08:53

You wanted to believe him and now you have self dug that hole you have fallen into that bit deeper as a result.

Your ultimatum to him was pointless then because he has managed to talk you around. And then you write that he is a both "fantastic father and partner" (women in poor relationships write when they have nothing else positive to write about their man). He is patently not what you describe him to be because this sort of issue affects the whole family unit. You're as affected by this as much as he is albeit in different ways; alcoholism is not known as the family disease for nothing. Denial is also a powerful force here in both of you.

If he is an alcoholic he should not be drinking any alcohol at all

Original poster
Thisizit · 28/06/2019 15:24

Why shouldn't he have a drink on the weekends? I do.

I'm not his mother. I'm not telling him what to do. I didn't want him drinking on weeknights. He said he will stop.

People on here are so quick to shout leave him. I don't know how you form any relationships at all when people err slightly that's your reaction.

You know nothing about him, his past, childhood, our relationship or kids.

He's a good man and I asked him to stop drinking excessively and he agreed.

Yet you are still baying for blood.

It's ridiculous

OP posts:
Nesssie · 28/06/2019 15:27

Because alcoholics cannot 'just' have one or 'just' drink on weekends. It doesn't work.

He will start drinking on a weeknight again. And then you'll be back with another thread. We've seen it a million times before.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/06/2019 15:35

Why did you issue an ultimatum if you were really not prepared to see it through?

Your relationship with drink is far more healthy than his.
Unlike you, it’s controlling him rather than the other way around. You’ve bargained with a man who has a drink problem and that never ends well.

You have stated that you no longer have sex with him due to he smelling of alcohol. This is not a case of him erring slightly also because you were going to threaten him with an ultimatum. You talked to him instead of following through with this presumably because you think it’s easier and he has told you what you want to hear. They all promise much but words are cheap, it’s actions that count.

I doubt very much he will stop drinking on weeknights in the long term and will simply continue to binge on the weekends. Alcohol as well is a depressant.

carla1983 · 28/06/2019 16:13

"He's a good man and I asked him to stop drinking excessively and he agreed.

Yet you are still baying for blood.

It's ridiculous"

I think some of us with experience with alcohol dependent people know how this usually goes.

I was with an alcohol abuser who used to bargain with me about how much he could drink, and when. He never stuck to what we agreed, constantly tried to move the goal posts, and in the end he chose the drink over our relationship when I did issue an ultimatum. He was an alcoholic so needed to give up altogether.

I hope you're not in the same boat in terms of him being an alcoholic, but you might be, and I think that's probably what PP's are getting at.

TenSheets · 28/06/2019 16:17

Do you believe your husband to be an alcoholic OP?

CousinKrispy · 28/06/2019 16:22

hey OP, maybe leave aside the question of whether or not he will stick to it at the moment.

Could you find yourself a local Al-Anon group to attend? It could really help you gain perspective on what's going on.

You'll be able to talk to others who have experienced similar situations and won't judge your or your H and you can discuss a much more detailed picture than you can on here. And you can get some much-needed support.

SunshineCake · 28/06/2019 16:54

If you can't support the OP, or don't believe her, then at least share your concerns kindly. Some posters on here are just cruel and I doubt you'd be so in real life.

OP, I think what you've said is good and I hope he is serious and sticks to it, enjoy your day out at the weekend.

Mary1935 · 28/06/2019 16:56

Look just let’s see if he can stick to the agreement and the OP will take it from there. You could look up ALANON.

litterbird · 28/06/2019 17:37

Really sorry you are going through this, I have held my hand with my friend who is going through this....your words about him telling you he will only drink on weekends and not weekdays are lovely for you to hear and I know you desperately want to believe them. My friend did too. It lasted less than a month and he went back not only to drinking in the week but the drinking got worse. Today he hides all his drinking. My friend knows and I can't tell you how many times she has told him to stop, he says ok to then go back and round and round we go. I know you want to hear something different and I am so sorry but you will need to get him into therapy quickly and you will need help to.

Original poster
Thisizit · 28/06/2019 18:05

If he goes back to drinking in the week he will be moving out.

I should have been clearer in my OP.

I didn't want him to stop drinking altogether. I wanted him to not drink weekdays and limit it on the weekends.

It was ME who suggested the no weekday drinks and a 4 pack on weekends (5 was a typo)

OP posts:
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