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Original poster

I get annoyed with his actions (or lack of) then it's all my fault

29 replies

Danniinix91 · 27/06/2019 10:32

So i would like to know what other people would do in my situation....me and my partner have been together 9 years now and we have got 2 beautiful daughter's.
I have never EVER had an anniversary. I don't feel loved or special or worth anything on a normal day so it would be nice to have one day where I can feel like that. It was my 9th anniversary yesterday and what a surprise, he forgets...again! Even after all my hinting. I really don't just expect it all to be about me...I have bought him a lovely and expensive present, I got him a personalised card with a poem I have written for him, I got all the stuff to cook him a lovely meal but I get nothing! Then when he finally clicks in its our 'Anniversary' he doesn't apologise, he doesn't thank me for his things, he doesn't even wish me a happy anniversary!! He stayed upstairs and then when he did come down he sat playing on his phone all night dumbfounded as to why I am in a mood. Understandably I am upset, I feel that myself and this relationship mean nothing to him. He never tells me I mean anything to him and that he loves me and he certainly doesn't show it through his actions. Now being the soft touch that I am I reiterate that he still has a chance to make it up to me but he just doesn't bother! And now not only that he's telling me it's not a big deal and I am only being like this because I am on my period....I am raging!
So, if that was you how would you react and what would u expect from your partner?

OP posts:
PhannyPharts · 27/06/2019 10:42

I'd stop doing anything for him each year for a start and honestly I would evaluate the relationship. I dont think I could live my life feeling totally unappreciated like that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2019 10:43

What a charming specimen he is, NOT. You are now seeing him perhaps as he really is - a selfish individual who only cares about getting his own needs met. You are really immaterial to him and I would also think you do the vast majority of the work at home too.

I am wondering why you are with him at all frankly because you do seem to be totally unappreciated by him. You do not feel loved or appreciated because you are really not loved and or appreciated by him. You would have been better off buying some nice things for your own self and or your DDs instead.

Why are you a soft touch with regards to him?. He knows this all too well and uses that against you.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
Did your father treat your mother like this?.

What do you want to teach your daughters about relationships and what are they learning here from you both?. Would you want them as adults to be treated like this by men, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

DrHouseMD · 27/06/2019 10:43

I think it depends on what you want from a relationship. Some people do g do anniversaries, don’t care. Some go over the top as if they are courting. It’s the incompatibility that is the issue.

If you have said this to him, that HE might not care but you really do, and he still won’t do anything... then that’s nasty.

Original poster
Danniinix91 · 27/06/2019 10:51

Thank you so much for your responses. He makes me feel I'm the wrong all the time and all he's saying is I didn't know what the date was...you know I forget everything! And will always say but you know I'm not an affectionate person it's just not who I am. I never used to be an affe donate person and would never show people that I liked them in a romantic kind of way but it just came natural to me with him. I just want to feel like I mean something to someone

OP posts:
Original poster
Danniinix91 · 27/06/2019 10:53

Yes dr house md. I tell him that I do need things like that (not that material things) just to feel I am special to someone. I grew up being a daddy's girl and then now I'm older my dad doesn't bother with me or his grand daughter's and it hurts so much and I aren't ashamed to admit that those insecurities are what cause me to need even more love from someone that I am CHOSING to be in my life

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2019 11:03

I bet you do not forget everything; he merely makes you think that you do.

I am sorry that your dad does not bother with you and with this man you are now with it seems to be like you subconsciously picked another version of your own father. Your father is really and truly not worthy of you nor his granddaughters and this partner of yours is not worthy of any of you either.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look at what yours taught you. An emotionally absent father can and does leave scars. Do have a read of this article:-

themighty.com/2019/03/emotionally-absent-father/

You have a choice here re this man, your daughters do not. DO you want them to grow up knowing too that their dad does not bother with you as their mother. You would not want them to have a relationship like this so what you can do is stop showing them that this relationship with their dad is still acceptable to you on some level.

honeygirlz · 27/06/2019 11:09

I'd stop doing anything for him each year for a start and honestly I would evaluate the relationship. I dont think I could live my life feeling totally unappreciated like that.

This. Sounds like he's checked out of the relationship.

Stop being a mug by getting him cards and pressies, he doesn't care!

Original poster
Danniinix91 · 27/06/2019 11:16

Attila he means that he always forgets things...He said he knows when our anniversary is but he didn't know what the date was. I've been saying things like oh I can't believe it's 23rd June already this year has flown to try to make him realise but it all just goes straight over his head. I will have a read of that, thank you

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2019 11:18

He does not forget, he only "forgets" about what is not important to him. Like you for instance sadly. Please do not continue to show your daughters that yes, this is how men do treat women in relationships. I would reevaluate your relationship with this man as a whole now.

Sicario · 27/06/2019 11:20

He's treating you like a mug.

If these things are important to you, then you have to tell him outright. Hinting is totally pointless. You have to give clear instructions about what you want. Then if he still doesn't bother, maybe he's not the man for you. Your life, your decision.

SummerCharl · 27/06/2019 11:21

He didn't forget. And even if he did, surely the appropriate response is to be mortified and very grateful you went to such an effort.

He's taking the piss and treating you like dirt.

honeygirlz · 27/06/2019 11:25

He said he knows when our anniversary is but he didn't know what the date was

🙄

Sounds like you’re going to let off steam and continue to let him take you for a mug OP.

onanotherday · 27/06/2019 11:32

Two thoughts came to my mind 1. He is selfish and has checked out of the relationship...or...2. If he has always been this way maybe he might be on the autism spectrum?

Shoxfordian · 27/06/2019 15:11

He hasn't ever bought you anything so why did you think he might start? Sorry to sound harsh but you've been putting up with this shit for 9 years already so why would he change? The only person who can change the situation is you

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 27/06/2019 15:56

Autism is not so prevalent as it is made out to be on the relationship boards.
Can be please stop using autism as an explantion for everything - please!!!!

Ohyesiam · 27/06/2019 15:59

Do yourself and your kids a favour. Leave him and let them see you choose happiness.

ImMeantToBeWorking · 27/06/2019 16:02

You need to tell him outright that you want you anniversary to be celebrated. DP and I got together sometime in Jan, we don't celebrate it (he could tell you the date I could not). But that is just us, I told him I had no interest in celebrating it, I say happy anniversary (if I remember) but that is about it.

Have you told your DP previously that you want a present to celebrate it? If he is just ignoring it then it is him being mean.

Butterflyone1 · 27/06/2019 16:10

Your DH simply doesn't are about you. He has taken you for granted and the fact you've said no day is special, speaks volumes.

I would go away for a few days with the girls and simply leave a note saying you've gone away. This might give him a wake up as to what he could lose if you were to leave.

BubblesBuddy · 27/06/2019 16:19

I think you sound as if you woud like to be married and have anniversaries but your partner disagrees with this so he wilfully ignores what you would like. It is part and parcel of not being married for him. You appear to want presents, anniversaries and a true partner in life. I think you are right to feel under-valued but this can be what living together is about and why more couples who are not married split up. I have seen numerous men ignore their partners until it becomes intolerable. It is very sad but he is not committed to you or your family. Just to himslef: like many men, sadly.

TheCuriousSofa · 27/06/2019 16:32

Personally, I think you're over-emphasising the importance of the anniversary. You say he never makes you feel loved or appreciated. Does an expensive gift once a year really make up for that? I'd rather skip the annual gesture in favour of feeling cared for year-round. You seem to be setting the bar pretty low - and he's not even willing to try and reach that....

Scorpiovenus · 27/06/2019 16:36

Yea do nothing for him and see how it goes.

My partner was a little lazy with helping around the house till I stopped doing it a week and he ran out of cups and cutlery lol

RantyAnty · 27/06/2019 16:42

He is treating you badly and after 9 years it won't change.

It's your life and you can either stay with him and accept his treatment of you or leave and find someone who cares about your feelings and what you want.

BlankTimes · 27/06/2019 17:28

I've been saying things like oh I can't believe it's 23rd June already this year has flown to try to make him realise but it all just goes straight over his head

Stop doing that. Stop being annoyed that he didn't understand your 'hints'

Speak to him in advance and be direct.

DP, it will be [occasion] on [date] and I'd like it to be a special day for us.
It's important to me that we celebrate the day by [required actions] what do you think?

plantbased · 27/06/2019 17:48

@onanotherday FYI autism doesn't make you an arsehole.

Truhitch1216 · 27/06/2019 17:48

I'm so sorry he only says things like 'cause you're on period' to make you think that's a reason for acting the way do believe me I used it before but I have matured and hope others men do too. Nobody can change their partner if they don't want to just show that you are changed sounds like you a good woman!!! I love reading on men and woman and relationships I encourage everyone that loves their spouse to do so as well.
I've learned a lot from these guides
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