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Original poster

So, I asked him if he loved me

46 replies

largeprintagathachristie · 27/06/2019 10:26

So, after two large glasses of wine and after a conversation where we were both attempting to communicate - I admit I'm pretty atrocious at that - I asked DP if he loved me. And I suppose it's telling that I needed to ask.

Together for a year and a bit, with a brief (but very traumatic for me) break up instigated by him approx six months ago which was apparently a dreadful mistake etc etc. I am naturally wary but also trying not to jettison or sabotage the whole thing simply because it feels safer to be alone. It does, though!

Anyway, the answer to my question as to whether he loved me? It was, at first, "of course" then a bit of fudging, "I love you but I'm not in love with you but that's better because this feels more solid and I love being with you and want to continue building a life with you and I think of you all the time, yada, yada, yada/lots of lovely things."

I did ask and, of course, cannot unhear this. And though it's not actually what he said, the takeaway message I'm feeling is that I'm completely unloveable. Which is tapping into all kinds of horrendous stuff from childhood/past relationships and the recent "dumping."

Gah!

I'm mid 40s, he's early 50s. We don't live together though this is/was a plan for the future.

Your thoughts?

OP posts:
Fizzysours · 27/06/2019 10:30

I would finish with him. You are worth more. He sounds negative tbh. Probably never loved anyone. You can do better!!!!

sheshootssheimplores · 27/06/2019 10:34

I don’t even understand the phrase ‘ l love you but I’m not in love with you’. What does it even mean? I love you like a sibling? I love the relationship but we’re not soul mates? I’d probably want him to break down that sentence so I understood what he meant and then decide if I wanted to continue the relationship afterwards.

desperatesux · 27/06/2019 10:37

Oh god, its hard to un ring that bell. A year in he should be "in love" with you not just be a cozy companion- added to the fact that this was obviously bothering him enough to dump you and then he probably got lonely and decided this was better than being alone.. for now or until he meets someone he is "in love" with
I don't think you have any choice but to dump I'm afraid

Forgotmycoat · 27/06/2019 10:47

He's messing with your head by his declarations of lukewarm love which have to be prompted. He's dumped you once before, now he's keeping you around as a convenience. There's no point being in a relationship if he's not in love with you. Do you believe this is all you deserve?

RantyAnty · 27/06/2019 10:50

I read your other post about how he callously dumped you by phone while you were at work.

I curious as to how long he was gone before he wanted to come back?

Anyway, I would dump him. Life is too short to waste on someone who is using you.

Original poster
largeprintagathachristie · 27/06/2019 11:21

@RantyAnty
It was three weeks after the dumping that he wanted to come back
He has no idea how badly it affected me. (I haven't told him.) I ended up signed off work and seeing a mental health crisis team. It's not all on him, obviously; it was a trigger but the causes run much deeper and I'd had a couple of episodes of severe depression in the past.

Other points:
I have apparently been unclear to him about how I feel/felt about him and thus this is largely down to me.

We have a massive unrefundable holiday booked at which he is/was to meet my family.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2019 11:36

He is adept at making you think this is all your fault and so I would end this relationship for good now. You are merely being used by this man.

Take him off the booking. Do you actually want to meet your family at all (I ask only as you allude to all kinds of horrendous stuff from childhood).

The phrase he used is used exclusively by shallow self-absorbed individuals who actually have no concept of what it means to love or be loved. Their hearts are vacant and usually associate sex not with a deeply emotional or spiritual experience but rather purely a physical and transient act involving no emotion. Such individuals are limited in both intellect and in normal socialization skills. Its a catch-all phrase when the person doing the dumping knows there is no reason for the relationship to end, other than for purely selfish reasons of wanting to pursue sexual relations with other individuals outside of the current relationship.

ThatCurlyGirl · 27/06/2019 11:48

Sorry you're having a stressful time. I hate the "I love you but I'm not in love with you". It always feel manipulative to me (perhaps unconsciously on their part) because it's just enough of a breadcrumb to make the recipient stay, but means they feel insecure and keep trying to 'win over' the other party.

Can I ask the circumstances of you getting back together my love, did you managed three weeks no contact and then he reappeared or did you instigate contact again and this led you to reuniting?

Mamabear12 · 27/06/2019 11:55

Dump him. He sounds like a jerk, stringing you along.

SimonJT · 27/06/2019 11:57

I love my friends, but I’m not in love with them, I love my FWB, but I’m not in love with him.

If he isn’t in love with you now, I doubt those feelings will develop.

Original poster
largeprintagathachristie · 27/06/2019 12:13

@ThatCurlyGirl
I did manage three weeks no contact and then he reappeared

OP posts:
Peachesandcream14 · 27/06/2019 12:19

I wouldn't put anymore time and effort into him if I were you. It sounds like he came back because he couldn't find anything he deemed 'better' and he's lazy so gave up looking after three weeks, so has returned to easy comfort with you. Every moment you spend with him is time taken away from finding your own happiness, whether that's finding someone who will love you or focusing on loving yourself.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/06/2019 12:55

Do you love him?

I wouldn't be able to stay after that; it'd feel too much like he'd decided to settle. He isn't in love with you but he enjoys being around you and he's happy on that basis... and he didn't give you the courtesy of being honest so you could decide if that was enough for you. It's allowed to not be!

I wouldn't be taking him to meet my family. If you want more than this, can him off and find someone who can give you that; and wants too. There is someone. This is no reflection on you.

rosabug · 27/06/2019 13:06

Sorry Op but "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is profoundly manipulative. He sowed the poisoned seed then went about creating the confusing nice stuff to keep you glued (stuck). It may well be unconscience, but you can't 'educate' someone who is wired this way. Don't even try.

This type will dump you in a minute for someone they are "in love" with. You will feel unworthy and broken. Meanwhile he will start fucking with the new women's head, unless of course she's more fucked up than him and can keep him on a string.

Ultimately - It's all about power and illusion. He's not capable of trust, recognising what love is or how to respect it.

If he cared about you he would want to make you feel secure - but that is not what happened is it? Don't ignore the way you actually feel - I'm not talking about the love bit you have for him, but the way you are actually feeling - insecure, afraid and unworthy - that is not an accident. This is what is really important. So called 'love' will pass, but this stuff can pull you under.

TheCatThatDanced · 27/06/2019 13:08

end it. He should be in love with you and not faffing around with the meanings.

To put it bluntly he's a head fuck.

zonkin · 27/06/2019 13:19

Dump him. Go on the holiday without him. Tell your family what happened. You are loveable. Flowers

category12 · 27/06/2019 13:20

Christ, don't go ahead with the 'meeting the family' holiday. Better call it off/transfer the ticket to a friend/lose the money than have your family meet Mr Fond-of-you. wordsfortheyear.com/2016/12/15/im-really-very-fond-by-alice-walker/

Do better for yourself.

eddielizzard · 27/06/2019 15:01

End. You're picking up on his lack of enthusiasm. Better to end and have opportunity to find someone else than carry on this half relationship. Sorry, good luck.

RantyAnty · 27/06/2019 15:33

Yes, dump him.

Go on the holiday yourself or bring a friend.

Blueandredandblue · 27/06/2019 15:41

I'm sorry OP, I'd end it x

toffeeapple123 · 27/06/2019 15:45

Please end it, for your own sake. Talking from experience, this won’t end well and you’ll be signed off work again, and it will hurt more. I’m so sorry x

toffeeapple123 · 27/06/2019 15:45

And who the hell does he think he is?

TeaForTheWin · 27/06/2019 15:47

'I love you but im not in love with you'

eh...lifes too short for that shit when you are later in life. You know yourself-when you have to ask it's never a good sign.

If you are cool with being with him and knowing that he won't ever be 'in love' with you then fine but for me, I don't think it would be enough. Especially because he is also high drama. Sack that.

ConfCall · 27/06/2019 18:17

I’ve got a friend who’s doing what your boyfriend is doing. His OH is lovely, adoring, and doesn’t deserve it. It’s a bone of contention between us, I think that my friend should end things - they don’t have kids or a mortgage- but he “enjoys her company”. Meanwhile, he’s started to crush on a woman at work and it seems she feels the same....

firstimemamma · 27/06/2019 18:25

LTB.

If he's not in love with you after a year, I don't think he ever will be.

I'm sorry op Thanks

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