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Relationships

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Original poster

So, I asked him if he loved me

46 replies

largeprintagathachristie · 27/06/2019 10:26

So, after two large glasses of wine and after a conversation where we were both attempting to communicate - I admit I'm pretty atrocious at that - I asked DP if he loved me. And I suppose it's telling that I needed to ask.

Together for a year and a bit, with a brief (but very traumatic for me) break up instigated by him approx six months ago which was apparently a dreadful mistake etc etc. I am naturally wary but also trying not to jettison or sabotage the whole thing simply because it feels safer to be alone. It does, though!

Anyway, the answer to my question as to whether he loved me? It was, at first, "of course" then a bit of fudging, "I love you but I'm not in love with you but that's better because this feels more solid and I love being with you and want to continue building a life with you and I think of you all the time, yada, yada, yada/lots of lovely things."

I did ask and, of course, cannot unhear this. And though it's not actually what he said, the takeaway message I'm feeling is that I'm completely unloveable. Which is tapping into all kinds of horrendous stuff from childhood/past relationships and the recent "dumping."

Gah!

I'm mid 40s, he's early 50s. We don't live together though this is/was a plan for the future.

Your thoughts?

OP posts:

Emerald46 · 27/06/2019 18:29

How often do you see each other? Could you increase that and see if it makes his feelings stronger? I'd find it difficult to stay with him after that combo but I guess it depends how invested you are in him. Do you live him?

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 27/06/2019 18:34

He’s a manipulative knob, you’re so much better... get rid of him and be happy.

Wallywobbles · 27/06/2019 18:42

Love really doesn't feel like this. You feel safe and secure and you don't question it. Which is how he feels. But not how you feel.

Marmozet · 27/06/2019 18:52

Life is too short for settling. There's someone out there who will fall in love with you and you're just wasting time with this guy. Leave him.

Original poster

largeprintagathachristie · 27/06/2019 19:41

Thank you all so so much for your replies.

Today I had some sort of delayed reaction to last night’s conversation- he’s a master of spin and somehow I was left feeling then that everything was dandy and if it’s not, I’m at fault for misunderstanding.

Today - I’m a complete and utter mess.

OP posts:

Piggle23 · 27/06/2019 20:17

He's using you op. Been there myself. It only gets more painful later.

Piggle23 · 27/06/2019 20:19

The translation of his comment in your op is 'You'll do until someone better comes along' set the bar yourself and leave him to it. I don't mean to be blunt but this happened to me. I wish I had let him go before he cheated and dropped me like a stone when someone else came along.

I hope you're okay, keep posting here, it helps.

gamerchick · 27/06/2019 20:20

OP, this is going to mess with your head. You say you have a holiday booked to see your family. Leave him behind, go yourself and be with people who love you.

He doesnt deserve your tears.

AquaPris · 27/06/2019 20:22

I think that's a phrase used by people who don't know what love fees like but they think it should feel like more.

I think they've generally been sold a lie and that's why so many people break up after the honeymoon period as they can't understand that love can or does change over time.

I don't think it's a problem that he doesn't feel absolutely out of his mind about you but I think he thinks he should feel that way so there's the possibility he will eventually peddle it out again when you've been together longer

Greensleeves · 27/06/2019 20:24

"I love you but I'm not in love with you" usually means "I'm either shagging or sniffing after someone else, but I want you around in case nothing better comes along".

That phrase and the "dumping" together I would view with a very jaundiced eye.

Ditch the mealy-mouthed tosser.

motherofcats81 · 27/06/2019 20:46

I agree with you Aquapris about the honeymoon period but this should still be the honeymoon period. "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is what you hear couples going through a bad time after 10, 15 years say.

I'm sorry OP, it seems like he's been very unfair to you.

LettuceBeFree · 27/06/2019 21:11

If someone can be messing you around at that age, I'd say he's unlikely to ever change. Most people are very set in their ways by middle age.

Piggle23 · 27/06/2019 22:23

maybe it's a situation like the one @ConfCall described. Bit selfish, why not just have friends for company, not string people along.

JovialNickname · 28/06/2019 16:05

Sorry to hear that OP. I am in a similar situation in that my partner of 6 months has told me he can love me "but not in the way I want". I.e. romantically. It is crap, and I don't have any real advice to give, only a hand hold. Sorry you are feeling the same x

Supersimpkin · 28/06/2019 16:15

Bloody cheek.

Of course it's not you. On what planet does anyone feel good after hearing that?

At least he didn't lie, but that's scant recompense. Look for someone else and be glad you dodged a bullet.

Don't carry on seeing him. Ew.

YouJustDoYou · 28/06/2019 16:24

I've always read "in love" as "attracted to". I couldn't stay with someone who wasn't attracted to me - you deserve to feel loved, and he's obviously not doing that for you.

Newmumma83 · 28/06/2019 16:38

Hey op, so sorry he said that ... he does kinda need to be in love with you to be romantically linked especially this early on.

I would discuss this further with him if you want work on it ... me and now husband had a patch 11 years in that he gave me that speech ... and we did sort it out ... we were not married at the time moved apart and dated again ... but this was a case of taking each other for granted and re connecting.

But even after 11 years and me being very much in love with him I worked on me ... started exercising/ walks ... great for mental health and in all honesty started to
Prepare myself for life without him... I dated him but kept my eyes open had more girls
Night and got ready encase I was single ... it worked out but he was close to
Me walking away as I realised that as much as I was in love with him I needed to selfishly maybe love Myself a little more ... and being in that place was killing me ... he was even told that ... I was going to hang on but not for a infinite period of time so he needed to figure out what he wanted in the not to distant future because I wanted love / marriage and babies and if he couldn’t give it i wasn’t hanging around forever.

We got married in 18 months and have a little boy.

I had to be blunt ... but this came after about 3 months of crying ... not
Sleeping ... being a complete wreck in general ... I would cry in the way to work / in my Lunch break / at home ( while I still lived with him ) by month 4 it was mostly
In bed and the car 🚙.

It’s an awful feeling ... but please put yourself first and if you feel this bad what he is Offering Is not right for you.

Build your strength up, gather your friends and get ready.

P.s we had a holiday booked and we did go
Together ... I had already had my frank conversation... and we re connected on that trip He isn’t going to go on holiday to
See your family if your broke up ... I hope
😬

Newmumma83 · 28/06/2019 16:41

By putting me first I think I became more attractive as I naturally wanted to
Care for him and put his needs first for the majority of our relationship x

Cheeseandwin5 · 28/06/2019 16:56

You shouldn't have asked the question, if you were willing only to accept one answer.
He is obviously confused about his feelings for you, but doesn't want to hurt you.
I don't believe he is being manipulative or messing with your head. He could have easily have said he did love you and not- is that what you would have preferred?

AyBeeCee10 · 28/06/2019 17:11

That's cruel. Why is he wasting your time if he isnt in love with you. For me, I would leave him. You are worth more than this op.

Bluntness100 · 28/06/2019 17:17

I think you need to focus on uou. To be signed off sick and have to see a mental health crisis team when a relarionship of six months ends is a clear indication of significant mental health issues.

It would seem these have resurfaced to some extent. Him not being in love with you doesn't mean you're unloveable.

I do think it would be helpful if you could get some counselling to help you build up your mental health and self esteem.

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