Can you ever forgive and forget when your husband has an affair.

[Ping123]

I have recently found out my husband has had an affair which has lasted about 9 months and started once I had told him I was expecting our second child.

What makes it worse is the person he has had an affair with has tried to befriend me since the beginning and I have done so much for her

I am now 32 weeks pregnant and have just found out. He is adamant that he doesn't want to loose our family and has never stopped loving us but how can someone have an affair so close to home and still love.

I feel in a very dark place right now and I know that I need to get my head screwed on for the sake of my children especially our baby that I am carrying but I feel so broxken.

Sorry that you are going through this Ping. It must be extremely difficult.
No I wouldn’t be able to forgive or forget.
I think take it slowly and as you say, focus on your child and yourself and on reaching the end of the pregnancy. Tell him that’s all you can deal with right now.
I would never see this woman again.

I'm so sorry to read this, I'm afraid from experience I don't have a positive response. I'm a year and a half on and it's never gone away! I have days where I feel good and it's at the back of my mind but some days I find myself looking at my husband wondering why I chose to stay with someone who showed me such little respect. Right now I would do whatever you can cope with being so heavily pregnant, maybe some distance apart so you can think straight? I'll always remember what someone on here once said to me: you don't have to decided what to do straight away do what suits for now and remember you can change that in time. Hugs xx

What do you feel like you want to do? You can make a decision for now then reverse it later. You can keep him involved but at arms length, you can tell him you need space and don’t want him with you in labour... You have options to consider - would he be helpful / supportive practically to have around? Or would you emotionally be unable to cope with him near? All things to consider before you decide one way or another.

Emotionally, I can’t even guess how you’re feeling especially during such a vulnerable time. So he’s decided he doesn’t want to loose his family? To be honest, he’s already made his decision to risk it all so now it’s your choice. I’d honestly struggle with even considering forgiving my DH for doing similar whilst pregnant, although in other situations I do think I could potentially forgive. The fact that he didn’t discourage his female friend from trying to get to know you is also disgusting, and she really is a bit sick to even try to befriend you. That said, it’s his choice to cheat! Blame him, rather than rage at her (which is the tempting option).

Please get support from your family and friends, tell your MW as the extra stress isn’t good for you and they may want to monitor you slightly more.

Finally, I’m so sorry such a joyous time is becoming stressful and pretty much awful. You and your baby/babies deserve love and support x

Thank you right now the thought of being a single mum and starting over is so daunting I always vowed no matter what happened I would do anything to keep my kids in a home where we both live but I also understand that it would be worse for them to see their parents in a loveless marriage.

I moved away from my friends and family not long after meeting my husband to be with him so again the thought of having to move back is daunting although I know I would be welcomed back with open arms I just feel horrid for up routing my children and taking them away from his family and for me to have to change the job that I love but I know I certainly couldnt do it own my own and would feel better having my friends and family around.

I have my midwife today and I have thought about letting her know the situation as although I am trying so hard to think past it right now and focus on my children it's difficult

Forgive but not forget

Also to say I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't say weather you should forgive him, only you know if you can but if you do stay with him then you need to make it clear to him it's his one and only second chance and that he will need to spend as long as you need him to proving he's worthy of your love

I have my midwife today and I have thought about letting her know the situation as although I am trying so hard to think past it right now and focus on my children it's difficult.

Oh definitely let your midwife know. They be fantastic for support and signposting you to support groups you may want to attend when you given birth.

I do wonder if there is an biological reason why some men cheat when their partner is pregnant. I feel it is because the woman is in the most vulnerable place and is less likely to leave.

OP it sounds like you have options, you would not be tearing your kids from family if you moved back to your home town where you have support and connections.

There is no rush to decide anyway, take your time.

I would second the no rush rule if that works better for you. I had a colleague who found out in late pregnancy. She played it remarkably cool. She knew she would never forgive him but waited until she was back at work after maternity leave and started divorce proceedings.

Exactly as pp have said. There’s no rush. If it suits you to stay with him now, do that. Give yourself time.

I have just been through this (without the pregnancy). My husband had an affair with someone he worked with and who i saw a lot of the time. It completely broke me when i found out and i didn't think i could ever get over it and forgive him. It took a while and lots of talking, shouting, crying. but we have been back together for a while now and things are going good! i still have days where i want to scream at him and days where i wonder where he is if he doesn't reply to me for a while but they are getting less and less. Every situation is different. I am by no means making any excuses for him (as there is no excuse) but my husband was through a break down at the time and part of me knew that it wasn't really him doing this. The breakdown had started before the affair. Maybe take some time and really think about what you want without the influence of your husband being around.
Hope all turns out well for you.

I am so sorry for your pain.

A good friend experienced similar to you. She was suicidal for the first few months after discovery. I have never seen her in such pain. She lost two stone in weight as her appetite went.

Three years later friend and dh are happy. He was remorseful and they had a year of counselling. Friend said it does heal.

@Ping123 tell us your story? How did you find out, did you suspect?

My H also wanted to keep his family. But he didn't want to look at himself, his secrecy and selfishness that led to it either.

Because he didn't change as a person and he had actually been very cruel over the whole thing, he needed to show remorse and change to save it. I would have held up my hands to my part to play but he never really got it (lots of tears, but they were all self pity).

It was gutting. The absolute worst thing that has ever happened to me.

It takes a special sort of man to cheat while you are pregnant with their child. Morally it says something cynical and nasty about them and how they treat and perceive you.

Obviously it is up to you if you stay - but cheating while you are pregnant is truly repugnant. It’s a cynical move because you are much less likely to leave. It says a lot of about the quality of the man. Men who don’t esteem the sacrifice of pregnancy and what women do for children don’t make for good long term partners. They still think of themselves as most important. That’s not okay if you are having children.

@Ping123

Please can you give us more info? I.e who was she exactly? A colleague? How did she try befriend you? Did you have any suspicions about her?

I'm also going through it and its excruciatingly painful. At the end of the day, it's all.up to you but what has he done to reassure you?
I think depending on your answers to the questions, there are options

• @Ping123* So sorry that this has happened to you at what should be a happy time I am currently 6 months on from this. My advice to you is to do Nothing. Please wait until you are in a more stable place before you make any irrevocable decisions Absolutely reserve the right to move on .Providing your DH is not abusive or unkind, let him help you through your pregnancy And get as much support as you can from midwife, family , friends.

MumDuts I would love to know how you came to your position. I am struggling to forgive and move on.

I personally couldn’t. My ex cheated on me with my best friend (she’d moved in with us when her dad kicked her out) I the minute I found out I kicked them both out. I knew I’d never trust him again. He said he ‘still loved me’ ‘wanted our family to stay together’ but as far as I’m concerned, you don’t sneak around, lie and cheat on someone you ‘love’. I wouldn’t have wanted a life spent checking his phone and wondering where he was all the time...no thanks!! So sorry this has happened to you. Some people are such selfish twats 💐

@ferfeckssake Erm.... it took a while but (this is by no means an excuse for what he did) my DH was going through a breakdown which had begun a good while before he had the affair.
There was lots of conversations where i made him sit down and tell me everything i needed to know. I know some people wont want to know everything but i needed to to take it all in and think it over properly. He worked with her so i found that hard but he offered to change his job, i told him not too partly because i wanted to punish him and have to see what he had done and partly because it wouldn't make a difference where he was if he was going to do it again there would still be someone who would be there to do it with.
At first i needed to know where he was all the time. If he was running late he would ring me and if he was going anywhere out of routine he would tell me and prove that where he had been. I didn't ask him to do any of that he did it off his own back. He does sometimes do it still but again off his own accord.
My friends and family all had their own opinion on the situation but i ended up just taking time and space away from everyone including my mum so i could think and decide myself without the influence of any others. Friends thought i was ignoring them and had fallen out with them but i just needed to do it for myself.
Every situation is different but i just felt like there was something there left to hold on to. It sounds strange but in a way i think it made us better as a couple because we talk about stuff more and if one of us has an issue we wont just ignore it we sit and talk about it. Which is something we didn't do before, me especially. We had issues before he did it but that still isn't an excuse for what he did.
I guess i just wasn't ready to let him go.
i have made damn sure that if it ever happens again there will be no need for a conversation, thats it he would be gone and never be back.
Just sit back and think for yourself i would say.

MumsDut Thanks for replying. Very similar situation . Nice to hear another person's opinion and experience.

• @Ping123* Sorry if I highjacked your thread. Hope you are feeling well in your pregnancy and able to look after yourself.

Ping, I am very sorry for your pain and distress.

Your H’s cheating during your pregnancy was dishonorable and despicable. His allowing and watching OW ‘befriend’ you while you reciprocated with kindness was utterly contemptuous. They were making a fool of you.

It was the worst kind of cruel betrayal.

I would never again trust or feel emotionally safe with him. I would tell him to leave to give me space, and then I would make plans to move close to family.

Thé problem with staying together is it takes longer to heal. And it seems to act like a green light for the next time. I just felt that the affair/him/her occupied even more head space with our staying together.

I would be welcomed back with open arms.

I would go. Leave him and return to your family and friends. Sorry you are going through this. I forgave something once, but I never got over it and it ate away at me for years. I wish I had ended it at the time and not wasted years seething with resentment for what happened.

As for her, is she married? If so, I would ensure her partner knows, if he doesn't already.

I'm so sorry for you. It's a real kick in the teeth.

All I can say is, some people are able to put it behind them and move on. There are those who do have an affair, sometimes short, and 'wake up' scared stiff, realising what they have to lose and do everything to make up for it.

For others it's not so easy, the affair sometimes becomes the start of a pattern of infidelity.

I honestly don't know how I'd cope, it hasn't happened. However I do know my husband would forgive me if I did, draw a line under it and help me to do the same.

It's so acutely painful for you, especially as you're pregnant. I really hope you are able to sort out what you want. You know the man, we don't. However it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to separate from him, it would give you both some space and him, a hard lesson.

Look after yourself.

You have a choice. You can either start afresh and forgive or you can't noone can tell you what to think or feel

I tried but my ex did it again. I think he was genuinely surprised (and gutted) when I finally called it a day. I think he thought I would stay through anything. He never wanted us to split, he was devastated. But he wouldn't keep it in his pants.

So sorry you're going through this op.
As others have said you don't need to decide right now.
However, if you did want rid it is doable and more than understandable.
Please get some real life support.