Can you ever forgive and forget when your husband has an affair.

[Ping123]

I have recently found out my husband has had an affair which has lasted about 9 months and started once I had told him I was expecting our second child.

What makes it worse is the person he has had an affair with has tried to befriend me since the beginning and I have done so much for her

I am now 32 weeks pregnant and have just found out. He is adamant that he doesn't want to loose our family and has never stopped loving us but how can someone have an affair so close to home and still love.

I feel in a very dark place right now and I know that I need to get my head screwed on for the sake of my children especially our baby that I am carrying but I feel so broxken.

Hi op so sorry youre having a hard time. You need chumplady in your life. www.chumplady.com/
Her book is ace too.
He sounds like he’s really been enjoying the triangulation of her buddying up to you. You deserve so much better. Keep going. You can get through this

I’m so sorry.

But...

Of course he doesn’t want to lose his family. Why would he?

He was literally getting everything he wanted and not at all caring about you or your dc.

It makes me desperately sad when I see women on here talk confidently about how they forgave and it’s all going well now.

I just think “you don’t want more for yourself? This man disrespected you in the worst way and now he knows he can get away with it.”

It’s really quite sad.

Don’t be that woman. Maybe right now isn’t the time to leave. But don’t be the woman who shows your dc that it’s ok to be a doormat because you’re either too afraid to go it alone (and I know it’s scary, trust me!) or you’re not strong enough to demand decent and respectful treatment.

There’s no excuse. Not stress, not pregnancy worries, not breakdowns. Nothing.

After all, did you go and shag someone else for NINE MONTHS?

Funny how he’s only worried about losing you when he’s been caught...

Did she buddy up to you just to get to your husband? This is why I don’t have female friends! It’s impossible to trust anyone! I’ve had this happen to me. Hosting her in my home and being sociable and friendly and then she decided she wanted what I had so took it. She was single, younger, infatuated with him. He was the big cheese in her eyes so he was puffed up with self importance. I walked away. Interesting that she dumped him after a few months. Found him impossible to live with. Yeah love, I told you that when you were my “friend”. She did me a favour though. I’ve not had one single second of pining for him. I did everything for him and facilitated his every need and built him up, he started to believe he was James Bond. It taught me a very valuable lesson. Always have your own friends who don’t know your OH. Never let another woman get her feet under your table. No overnights at all unless it’s a one off and their entire family (including husband is with them). Always keep your own hobbies and interests. Never give up everything for a man. Remember that it doesn’t matter who it is, they can all cheat and will if somebody comes and sticks their boobs in their face. Trust nobody.

Depends how you define forgive.

Accept the reasons given for it happening? Maybe.

Forget ? No, not really.

Thank you all so much. I know I will get there but it just feels like such a massive journey I am going to embark.

They worked together which has now ended. They would be in my house working whilst I was in with our child and she would tell me personal details of her life and what she had gone through with her ex husband who also had an affair and made me feel so sorry for her and talked about how tough it was being a single mum. I even helped with the business from time to time when they needed me to. I can't believe I was so blind and they rubbed it in my face. She stays in the same village as we do and I really don't know how I am going to feel bumping into her and although my husband is more to blame as he knew what he was risking I just feel awful that she weirdly made me feel sorry for her.

He has now seeked help and is attending counseling sessions. For me right now I feel I need space and I don't think I can make such a big decision until the baby is here and my hormones calm down. I don't want to make any changes to our children's life's straight away and I need to look after this baby for sure right now.

@Wallywobbles that's how I'm feeling. It's driving me mad, bad dreams that wake me up, feeling sick when I don't know what here he is & this horrible feeling of wondering when it will happen again.

There is is similar thread in 'Relationships' OP which you might find useful. I posted on it the below. I'm very sorry you're going through this.

"I stayed after my DH's affair. We are three years on and have young children. The hardest thing by far is to stay. If you go, you know it's going to be awful for a time, maybe a long time, but eventually, at some point, it will be ok again. Staying is a life sentence and it never, ever goes. It erodes your confidence and self esteem and rears it's head over and over again. The last three years have been the absolute worst of my life. His selfish actions reduced my life to rubble and it's been so very hard trying to rebuild not only our relationship, but our lives and for me, my whole identity. The way I feel about him has changed now and I know that what's been lost will never come back, no matter how long we are together and I will never really trust him again."

You don’t have to do anything right now @Ping123.

Or ever!

I don’t buy into the counselling shite, not gonna lie. But it’s your life so if you think it’ll help then it’s the right thing for your family.

She did you wrong. Of course she did. But be careful not to fall into the trap of thinking they share an equal amount of blame in this.

The thread is called "Post affair help and advice please".

@TrySinging that’s desperately sad. I don’t understand why anyone would condemn herself to a life like that.

Yes, the whole thing is desperately sad and I am still so angry at the injustice of it. That despite me working so hard at trying to make our lives good and being the best wife and mother I could be, it could all just be taken away without my permission or involvement.

I always thought fidelity was a black and white matter to me. It was so shocking and surprising when it happened though. We had 5 DC and I was a SAHM. Without the DC, I would have been gone in a heartbeat, but with DC, you are forced to consider the grey.

One of the first things that struck me though was how I had given myself completely to these roles within my family. I realised that I had stopped buying myself nice things, prioritising my own needs and pursuing my own interests, as an individual. I didn't even know what I liked to drink or what music I liked any more. I addressed that very quickly and I will NEVER let that happen again.

It's hard not to become a little bit bitter when you've been through this. I used to skim past the threads on the relationship board about affairs because it was something I couldn't and wouldn't ever be able to relate to. I'd pity the women that had ended up with cheating husbands and feel glad that I had a good one who I knew would never in a million years cheat. Now I read them, with depressing regularity and can feel the pain in every post from someone sharing their story.

But surely a life of that much misery is no life at all?

I do know that leaving isn’t easy. But it’s only tough for a time. After that it gets better.

But staying and feeling like that? That never gets better.

What a waste of a life!

Ping, I would echo what other posters have said about not feeling like you have to make any immediate decisions, simply because the way you feel will keep changing. It's a process, like bereavement, where you go through stages and grieve for what you though you had and the future you'd planned. Do whatever you need to do to get though these early days.

I accept the relationship I have with my DH now Ivana. It's not how I thought or hoped it would be, this is true, but when I made the decision to stay, I had also already made my peace with divorcing him and raising my children as a single parent. I knew I could do that and I wasn't afraid. There is something very liberating about choosing to stay because you want to and not because you have to. We spent months talking and talking and talking until I was finally in a place where I was ready and able to say, ok, let's try and move on from here. He realises that while I can live with it and him today, this is no guarantee that tomorrow I won't change my mind. I will never again forgive even the smallest indiscretion. We are both crystal clear on that.

My relationship with him is now only part of my life, not all of it. When I lost my trust in him, I also lost my anchor in life. This was terrifying at first but now, it stops me from ever relying on or depending on him too much and helps me to remember that I need be the one that looks after me.

I am so sorry - it feels so shit to be cheated on and I can't imagine being as vulnerable as you are and dealing with that.
I found out about my 'd'hs affair with my 'bf' last year.
Forgive - I don't know what this looks like, I'm not letting bitterness engulf me or the family, I try not to throw the affair into every disagreement and we are living a better married life now. Better communication, better support etc
Forget- NEVER.
I know I am a strong woman and this has proved to me how strong. I am not going to put up with the same crappy marriage and the half arsed husband I had before.
He knows that to keep me he has to be a better person and he is trying.
I will not take any crap and I still have the option of walking away with my head held high.

You deserve more.
Your kids deserve more

The affair in my case was over nearly a decade before I found out. I doubt the outcome would be the same if it was recent.

Do what you need to do to be sane right now.

You don't owe him anything

What do you need from him to allow him In Your life.
Do you need or want that?
Is he willing to do whatever it takes or is he already gone?

You can and will get through this.

OP I am so sorry this has all happened to you. How awful. But I totally agree that you need to focus on the baby right now but once you feel like your old self again once the hormones have settled really do give it some thought on what you will do. Taking him back is the easy option...but it might happen again in the future. If it did, could you handle that?

Trysinging, I’m so sorry your story makes me so sad. You know it’s never too late to leave, don’t you? I know you said that you’re a stay at home mum but so was my SIL. She has three kids and got rid of pig BIL and moved out into her own house. She has no job and didn’t have a penny to her name and her only income is from benefits which pays for her children and her home. She’s currently doing a degree with a view to getting a job once she graduates.

It can be done, even if you are financially dependent on them.

I left my cheating ex recently. He was the love of my life and he’s the father of my child. But the reason I left is because I didn’t want a life like you have, full of resentment towards the level of disrespect he has for me and constantly worrying/checking up on where he is and who with.

Thank you, next!

Trysinging, I know exactly how you feel , I too realised I was far too co dependent, had made someone the centre of my world , rather than part of it, the shock to me was that you could have what you felt was a strong relationship, a huge connection and yet these guys could still be total arses to you behind your back just for an ego boost etc

Trysinging, I certainly won't judge your choice. There but for the grace of God go I.

It's truly impossible to understand such a situation unless you've been there - with dependent children and without your own financial and emotional independence to safely extract yourself.

No, I don't think it's ever really possible to forgive and forget.

If you think it through, it makes no sense to do that, to do that would involve simply pretending to yourself really.

The bottom line is that this tells you that the man you thought he was doesn't exist. He's a cheat, a liar, and he doesn't have your back and doesn't respect you. He's weak.

You could decide to carry on loving this man as you now know he is. But how crap would that be - to decide to throw your life away on someone you categorically can't respect, can't trust, wouldn't have chosen? That's forgiving - but not forgetting.

Or you could decide to tell yourself that this was a 'mistake'. A 'blip'. He 'didn't mean it'. This is the road he's certainly started on with the counselling, by the way - the message is, I wasn't thinking straight. It wasn't 'me'. You can try this option - the joint 'forgetting' - but it's not real. You'll know deep down, and it will torture you every day, that he knew full well what he was doing, weighed it up and decided to fuck this woman while you, his pregnant wife, knew nothing. Bleurgh.

Those are your two options.

I would tell your family and even think about moving back to have the baby. It's such a vulnerable time - you may think it would be better to stick it out until afterwards but it's SO much easier to go under your own steam and settle before you are whipped into the baby whirlwind.

Also think of someone else who could be your birth partner. I would imagine having him by your side at that most intimate time would fill you with rage and sadness- not a great mental state for birth.

Trysinging Same as you .. It is shit, isn't it.? Nothing will ever be the same again. So I find happiness where I can. Not a lot about these days!!
It is horrible how many women and children are affected by the selfish acts of the ones that are supposed to love and protect you.

Then leave! Seriously. Find better, live better.

Trysinging, I know exactly how you feel , I too realised I was far too co dependent, had made someone the centre of my world , rather than part of it, the shock to me was that you could have what you felt was a strong relationship, a huge connection and yet these guys could still be total arses to you behind your back just for an ego boost etc

^^This this and this. I'm almost a decade down the line from finding out. In many ways I'm glad I stayed - but in many others, I wish I hadn't. Life will never be the same. I will never love him the same - he caused a massive scar over my heart, and where I loved him to a depth I cannot describe, now I look at him and I know I love him deep down, but it's still just numbness sometimes. He's a great friend - but...But. there'll always be that sliver of doubt. I can never trust him fully. If the ow lived in the same area? I don't think I could've ever stayed. I got my wonderful children out of this. We have a great life and never argue. I'm not lonely. But sometimes I'm angry. And sometimes I still have nightmares, even this far down the line. I wouldn't change things. But I do wonder how different life would've been had I left.

@TrySinging that was an incredibly powerful post.

Kudos to you.

I did ..10 yrs ago it was .we have since got married and had another child..never think about it unless I see a thread on here