Positive stories of moving on from ex and meeting someone lovely please!

[thegirlracer]

Hi all,

A couple of months ago found out he had been cheating on my basically the entire duration we were together (on night stands, not an affair)

I had absolutely no idea at all, totally oblivious and it hit me really hard.

One 18 month old DS together, jointly owned mortgage.

I asked him to leave and for now he’s staying with a friend until we can figure out what to do with the house.

I’m financially independent and he’s done absolutely nothing for DS so I’m not worried about money or being a single parent as I’ve done it from day one anyway.

The problem is, part of me does still love him and I’m scared that I’ll never have a relationship again and love anyone the way that I loved him.

He wants me back, I’ve said no (and mean it!)

Please can I hear anyone’s stories about how when you split up with someone who has treated your like crap and then gone on to meet someone amazing?

Don’t get me wrong, dating is the last thing on my mind and I’m not doing any of it anytime soon, give me and DS a couple of years to get a routine just us, but I know that I don’t want to be lonely for the rest of my life too.

My ex not only cheated but made me feel like crap about myself as well with constant digs and comments.

Just after some really positive stories please!

I lost touch with all
My friends

I've been single for two and a half years now and I also feel like I'll never meet anyone else. I've had plenty of offers but depressingly it's always from friends who are in relationships! 😠. I've never been so frustrated at people's behaviour in my life.

Newmum your man sounds awesome!

And I don’t believe “all men are bad” at all.

I have always managed (with great ease despite offers) to stay faithful in a relationship and therefore have faith there are others out there just like me.

Fire, how annoying. I have also had come ons from friends who are already in relationships!

Do you think it’s a generation thing? Loyalty and trust just do not seem to matter to people anymore. It’s crazy how disposable people aren’t now coming. I cannot believe the sense on entitlement some people have. Wanting a family and the thrill of a one night stand and sex with someone new. It’s so unfair.

Of course we all like a bit of excitement but I still can’t get my head around the fact he was willing to risk his family for a shag

I left my abusive ex with a three year old and a five month old. Whole thing was awful on many levels - coping with kids on my own, feeling lonely when they were with him, dealing with his abusive messages and interactions etc. Fast forward a year, I logged on to tinder! I went on a date with someone I met. Fast forward 4.5 years I’m still with him and we have a three month old baby! (I’m 41). He’s normal and lovely.

First of all, well done for being strong and saying no - you're going to be so much better off without him! My best friend recently split up with her boyfriend, he was a gambling addict, didn't want to go anywhere just wanted to sit in the house putting on bets, he spent all of their savings behind her back. She finally left him and is now with a guy who is nice, kind, takes her on dates, has a good job and genuinely cares about her.

Right now, it definitely won't seem like you'll be able to move on, but you will get there. And you'll look back and wonder why you ever wasted your time.

I think the general rule is learn to love yourself first, wait a while etc.

My ex alongside a massive bereavement (which he gave zero support to me for) led me to a suicide attempt and psychiatric hospital stay.

I met DH in hospital definitely not recommended (different MH issues) but 5 years on we are both stable, sickeningly loved up and have a little boy together.

I wad in an abusive relationship for over two years until I was 20. He cheated on me, beat me, sexually assaulted me, financially and coercively controlled me - you name it, he did it. I lost all my self confidence and self esteem, and developed mental health problems that are still with me today 20 years later.

When he left me, he moved in with the girl he left me for but kept coming back to my flat and letting himself in to check I hadn't got a man there and to assault me again. I was too scared to report him because I was really isolated.

What he did do though indirectly is help me to meet my lovely kind DH - I needed more money to pay the rent so got a bar job at my ex's uncle's bar. I met DH there and within a few weeks had moved out of my unsafe flat and in with him. It happened really quickly but it was like fate and we had a wonderful 20 years together. It can happen!!

Thanks everyone for all of your positive stories. I had an ex before this one (he also cheated!) and I left him and although I was sad at the time it was nothing like this break up!

He’s such an arse and being so difficult with everything from assets to childcare. And it’s “all my fault we have to split and share everything because I’m the one who won’t give us another chance”

So I know even with how unreasonable he’s being now even after all that is happening to our family is a direct result of what he’s done! But still I can’t figure out why I feel so damn down.

I like myself as a person. I must be decent as I’ve got more friends than I have time for. I live in a lovely area. Amazing and healthy DS who’s hitting all of his milestones. In good health myself, good job etc. I just can’t shake him out of my mind or life.

I think where the house is tying me down it will be easier to move on if I move out.

Similar story. My ex left me for someone else. I suspected an affair but have no proof, it was fairly obvious though.
It's now been 7 years, I've been married for 3 to an amazing man. We have a child together..life couldn't be better.
Between him leaving and me meeting my husband was a rough road, my ex was horribly emotionally abusive and controlling and he found it difficult to stop even after he'd left. 7 years on and I barely hear from him! It's wonderful!
There is life after a shitty relationship

My aunt was cheated on and left by her first husband quite young. She'd already had two kids baby that point.

She took several years to meet someone (not to be harsh but partly that was because she stuck in a relationship that was clearly not going to work out, a younger guy who didn't want to settle with her. She kept chasing him and getting back together, but eventually moved on (not sure how much by choice!) ... When she was free she met a divorcee whose wife had cheated on him.

My aunt has a hard-working, fiesty, loud, intense character and she loves to party .. he's a calm, tolerant, relaxed, stoical guy who tolerates all that, parties with her (has no objection to her partying on her own with friends and relatives if she wants to). As a builder hrs pretty much built their home, and an annex for her son and his family. She has a much better life with him than she'd ever have had with her ex.

*by that point

I married two cheaters (didn't know at the time). Divorced both of them. Decided to move home. Then met up with a lovely ex I'd dated 24 years before for 3 years who I'd split from due to work schedules. We married last year. We are so happy. He is an amazing man.

They are out there. Just take your time. You need to heal first.

What was lovely about their wedding was that it was so clear she wasn't approaching it as a second time, divorcees, low key thing; she went all out with country house hotel, wedding dress etc.

The two lessons I would emphasise from my aunt finding second (true) love is that a. Don't waste the time and emotion she did in relationships that aren't really going anywhere, where they can't/won't give you what you want in terms of commitment, a future together etc.

And b. My aunt socialised non stop and was outgoing, no-one's going to turn up on your doorstep (well, it's unlikely!).

Left my ex husband after loads of non physical abuse then the last straw of an incident of him being physical. Afterwards found out he’d cheated so many times it was ridiculous ( even had footage on my camera he had borrowed). Never looked back. First few years were hard as I needed to heal first but I joined clubs and one day this lovely guy started talking to me. Took a while to get started as couldn’t believe he was interested in me at first as he’s lovely, kind, good looking and just plain fantastic but 5 years on we live together and kid on the way. Couldn’t be happier. I know he has my back. He did suggest marriage but after the ex tried to screw me over financially during divorce I am the reluctant one with that.

Do you think it’s a generation thing? Loyalty and trust just do not seem to matter to people anymore. It’s crazy how disposable people aren’t now coming. I cannot believe the sense on entitlement some people have. Wanting a family and the thrill of a one night stand and sex with someone new. It’s so unfair.

There is some element of our society being more permissive than before, but I generally believe it's not a generational thing; it's a character thing.

Sadly there were plenty of cheaters (caught and not) in our parents and grandparents generations. It's easier now to get caught with technology.

Definitely a character thing

I really do think that as soon as something comes right within yourself, almost a peace within your soul (however cheesy that sounds) you do move on very quickly. But that has only ever happened to me when I have made peace with the first relationship being over.

That's happened to me twice now in situations with lots of parallels - long, drawn out drama, highs/lows, never knowing where you stand, intense unhappiness, rumination, more drama etc.

Then both times something has happened and I've just thought - I'm done here. It's never big things, just small things that really are the straw that broke the camel's back. The first time it was him telling a silly lie, and the second time it was him ignoring a message when I knew it was on purpose.

Then after a short period of feeling good without that person in both cases I've met someone else or realised I have feelings for someone I already knew and it has been lovely and uncomplicated.

There are some lovely stories here; thank you all for sharing. There is hope!!

I split up with my cheating ex and was only single for a few months when I met my lovely partner. I was expecting to be on my own for a long time. When he asked me out I thought what the hell. He supported me all through my divorce. He's perfect for me.

I love all these stories! Thank you so much. I think logically I know it’s ridiculous to be hung up on one person. Why the bond is so strong with him I’ll never know! I’ve known for years something it’s right between us and now even when I am armed with facts, I’m still finding it hard to let go. I just don’t know what happened to that strong and confident person

I really feel for you. It will take a while to sink in.

Try to take heart from the fact that you are a loving, open and emotionally healthy person and that’s why it hurts: because you were deeply attached to him. You’re suffering now because of it but it is also the thing about you that will mean you will fall in love again when you’re ready. As I said in my earlier post I used to believe in the “one” though I never would have admitted that! But I’d internalised that belief. I now know you can fall in love with any number of people and there are lots of “ones” for you out there.

I was with my ex for 5/6 years. Twice during the relationship he moved his mother in. She paid nothing but expected everything and even stole money from my bag. (When they moved out she even stole my kettle and toaster, wish I was joking about that one.)

Anyway we had been saving for going to NZ and everything I spent was scrutinized. Despite being the main earned I was guilt tripped about everything. It was horrible and eventually he broke up with me (Ha!!) and now still lives with his mummy. No NZ as he spent all his savings on her and last I heard no permant job either.

I flat shared for abit then one day a distant acquaintance added me online. He commented on some art I posted and we got chatting, started meeting up and now 4 years in we are looking to buy a home together. We also have a rather mental rescue dog.

Best bit though was a year back we went out hiking and came over a hill. Who was there staring opened mouthed but the ex. I nodded and smiled as I walked past, the dog running on and my dp busy chatting to me to notice him. Best feeling ever.

Stay strong. You WILL get through this and eventually look back at this moment with a smile at how far you've come x

Alysanne, I love the thought of your mental rescue dog your DP sounds lovely.

Allfake,

“You’re suffering now because of it but it is also the thing about you that will mean you will fall in love again when you’re ready.” - this almost made me cry!

Split from abusive ex 3 years ago, met a wonderful man through a friend a year later. Not a single argument in 2 years, it's bliss. Lots of challenges, including abusive ex, having no child free time, and a hostile teen, but we deal with them. Very happy.