Letting dads do it their way?

[calcium]

Does anyone out there have dads who think they know better than us mums?? I have a lovely partner who adores his daughter but insists on doing everything his way and ignoring anything I ask him to do. For example changing nappies, he has to dangle our daughter under the tap to clean her! or when he actually takes over a night feed and I ask him to do in quietly in a darkened room so I can continue to sleep and that she doesn't wake up to much he has to parade her around the house turning all the lights on and changing her nappy and clothes therefore waking her up screaming so I too wake up. Maybe you will all tell me I am totally over reacting and I should let him find his footing but at present I just want him to support me until I am happy to trust him with our little one. This is causing our relationship to be very strained, any tips??

Calcium, yes, I definately have the problem of my dh doing things quite differently from how I would choose to.
Our situation is a bit different in that I go out to work and he looks after our three children so he is the main day to day carer . This means he sets the pace as far as most things are concerned and it is VERY frustrating when he does things differently from how I think we shoud do them.To make matters worse he gets very defensive if I in any way suggest he do things differently because he feels his role is being undermined ( which you can understand).
It can be about as basic things as what he feeds them. I'm no Anabel Karmel but he feeds them much more junky stuff than I would .
He also gets much more annoyed/frustrated /angry at them than I do which may simply be because he is around them all day.
Should add he is a great dad overall

Hi calcium. I'm afraid I do think you should let him find his own footing, though I really do know how difficult it is to let our partners do this. IME it is SO easy for dads feel completely frozen out of the family after the birth of the first baby...

A bit of a vicious circle often develops. EG: the mother doesn't allow the father to participate fully- and is critical of the stuff he does do- because she is, in the very early weeks and months, completely absorbed in the baby herself and doesn't really want to let go- may even feel panicked if she does. The result is that Dad gets used to not participating in the child care and both parents get used to not communicating much with each other. Eventually- it may take some time but it will happen- the mother will realise that she is not happy that she gets no help at all with the baby from the father and the father may feel very upset about being pushed exclusively into the breadwinning role. Cue lots of sorting out to do at a later date! So I really recommend swallowing down the panic and forcing yourself to let him get on with it. I wish I had...

Tee hee with the tap though! How does your dd react to that???

Calcium, when I had ds my dh knew more about babies than me and was better with them as he had relatives with small children. I was the novice and so at first deferred to him a lot of the time. Later I was the person who was at home with ds mainly and then thought I knew best on many things.

I agree with Scummy, it would be easy to get caught up in a cycle of "give me that, you idiot" IYKWIM and end up with resentful DH who doesn't spend enough time with your dd and is no help at all - not ideal. I read some advice somewhere that said, and I agree with this, that when it's not your turn to look after the baby try not to make it your business, let them get on with it and don't intefere or offer advice unless you are asked. Otherwise how are fathers (and mothers, don't suppose I would have appreciated my mum butting in to tell me what I was doing wrong every 5 minutes either) supposed to get the experience they need? And how are you supposed to ever feel that they are capable of caring for their child? I know it's hard and I don't think I'd be thrilled with the bum under the tap business either but I think you have to try to let him work out his own way of doing things and make his own mistakes just as we all do. Parading around the house and waking you up does seem to defeat the object of taking over though so perhaps you could ask him to change this and leave him to work out the rest of it? HTH.

Calcium I don't think you are overreacting, I would be VERY uptight about him parading around turning lights on and making noise when he really should be doing the opposite. Men don't seem to get it sometimes, they think we are being neurotic or something but the way they do things can be very annoying. Does he understand that he is disturbing your sleep and agitating the baby by what he is doing? I remember when we were doing the 'night feeds' (about 2 yrs ago now), my dh used to turn the lights and the tv on and I would always ask him to do it quietly and keep the lights low, but I think they just want to do it in their own way and tend to ignore what you say most of the time! Best of luck.....

Chinchilla - he says she loves it but how does a 11 week old say any different ha ha!! I am the main bread winner in our house and so I am worried that when I go back to work all hell will let loose with this kinda thing going on at home. I have explained nicely many times but all I get is that I have read too many books (this is true) but as a first time mum I want to gather as much info as possible to enable me to do the best job I can. I know I should be more laid back about everything but it is hard especially as if I let him carry on the crying gets worse and the whole object of giving me a break is defeated!

My dh always bathed our ds from day 1, and I kept absolutely out of the bathroom (and even stayed downstairs) when he did because I KNEW that if I watched I wouldn't be able to help myself from making 'helpful' comments and suggestions which would drive him mad. Ds never drowned! Unfortunately dh (who tends a little to the paranoid..) then thought I was keeping away because I wasn't interested in what he did with ds. Sigh. Still ds really loves his bath now, and I get to let go completely of my responsibilities when he's splashing away. I think you perhaps need to let go, even if your dh's methods are a little, um, unconventional! I would ask him to be a bit more considerate about the night feeds though, but for your sake not your dd's - he'll probably take that better.

You know, I think this is one of the hardest things that have to be sorted out as a parent. It's the one time of your life when you really don't have the time to sit down and talk it through together, so you end up doing a sort of dance around each other.

I remember when dh was trying to get dd to take a bottle (we were told better to get him to do it as she would smell the breastmilk on me) I used to try and hide upstairs but be constantly hovering on the middle step as I could hear the struggles and would try and come in to help (but would only make it worse). However, once I forced myself to stop this, it did give me a bit of breathing time to properly think out the situation. That might be what you need? It's easy to get so caught up in mothering that you don't step back enough to see the issue.

I think you've got two issues: your dp actually caring for your dd and you getting a break. It is absolutely fine for you to complain if his version of 'giving you a break' involves lights going on, dd crying etc. If you can find time, talk this through on how he could actually HELP you.

Your concerns about how your dp cares for your dd are a bit different. Try and step back a little. Is he actually harming your daughter by dangling her under a tap (for example, could it be too hot and she could get burned? or is she likely to get scratched by the tap fittings?) or has he just got a rather bizarre changing method? In which case, it's better to let him get on with it (although take a photo so you can laugh at him in future years!), step away and do something else so you don't worry about it.

Trust me, as time goes on you will really value his help with dd (and so will dd). If you can, take a deep breath now and let him learn his own techniques so as the months go by you don't find yourself doing it all. Men are such creatures of habit - if he doesn't do it now, he won't be doing it in 6 months time. If what he does now makes dd cry, don't step in and rescue him, he'll soon learn not to do it again!

It's important to remember there is no right and wrong way of parenting. I use this as a mantra every time I visit my mum!

His way, your way, is there a right way? It's v easy to get caught by thinking that the mother's way of doing something must be the perfect way when there are really 100s of ways of doing things and if the desired result is achieved then does it really matter as long as the method isn't harmful? I would be v glad that he is so involved and so willing - it's great for dads to be doing things with their littlies from such a young age. Dh and I do do things differently but I don't think it's a bad thing - we just have our own methods. Enjoy the fact that he is there!

Alot of people have commented that dh and myself have the perfect balance. I am probably on the more try and do everything 'right' way, good food, trying for a bedtime routine etc etc. Whereas dh is more give ds a biscuit before he goes to bed even forget to feed him anything solid, throw him around, perhaps not have the nappy on 'just right' and play with him so he wont go to sleep until 11.00pm. But I see us playing these very different roles, I see myself as the one who watches over and tries to get everything just 'right' and dh is daddy the playing fun daddy who ds follows around like a little shadow having all the fun in the world. Yeah I have cringed at times, but ds is a happy well adjusted little man who, I believe, loves the contrast of a mummy and daddy.

I think Phillipat made a good point in that if your child cries he'll soon learn not to do it that way! My dh was very nervous about looking after ds at first, and this was made worse by me being around and pointing out all the things that I thought he was doing 'wrong'. DH pointed out one day that I was doing exactly what my Mum and MIL did to me, and that made me think! Does it really matter if you change nappies differently? I'd just be grateful that he is there to help, and is willing to do the night feeds (although I would agree with the others that you should ask him to be quieter).
My dh is now very confident looking after ds who is 8 months old. He has even taken him away this week for a few days so that I can have a break. By letting him find his own way, albeit with 'gentle' pointers he is now great with ds.

calcium i think you have two different issues, Dad doing things differently you just have to let go, but crashing around waking you up during night feeds is aggressive and the only solution IMHO is to do exactly the same when you feed and he is asleep . wake him up each time you get up and he will soon get the message

A serious thread I know - but just had to share this . My dh couldn't do up the tapes on dd's nappy so he stapled them together. He didn't see fit to mention it to me so I took her to Nursery all innocently. You can guess how surprised they were when they did her lunchtime nappy change....

MABS - dh & I lol'ed at that one - makes his little foibles look trivial.

dh was very nervous with ds to start and often mucked up a bit or did things the hard way - generally through lack of forethought or preparation. Me snapping at him only made things worse cos his intentions were good if misguided, and so I learnt to bite my tongue provided ds wasn't in danger. Though keeping quite about disturbed sleep is one large step closer to the angels than I'd ever manage.

After he relaxed a bit he started asking for tips/help like "howcome he doesn't cry when you do...?" He's now a confident and competent dad, and I'm more than happy to leave bab with him, and bab seams happy about that too.

Don't know if that helps calcium at all - so asked dh how he'd need approaching on this - his suggestion was this:

say thanks for the effort he's putting in - acknowledge he's trying hard - say that there are a couple of things that he could do to help you more ie encourage bab's sleep and allow yours - show him stuff in books if this is the way he usually learns new skills. Try to ignore the things that are just different ways of working, at least until the big issues are settled.

dh said that it sounds just like he felt a few months ago - wanting and needing to help, unsure how to do it but feeling that every time instruction is given that it shows up his incompetence, your/my lack of confidence in him, and requires you/me to be involved in the task when his aim in doing it was to relieve you/me from it - hence making it worse.

I agree with cos and phillipat...waking you up is one thing (ok to complain about it), but having his own unique way of changing nappies....well i think you should leave him to it (definitely photos are in order). My son is my dh's fourth child (my first) and he still can't change a nappy (even though he does do it a lot) without getting poo everywhere. I did suggest once that maybe he should hold on to ds's feet while changing the nappy, but he insists he's got his "own method" so I just leave him to it.
At least you have a participating father. Even in this day and age lots of mothers don't.
ps. the best dad story I've heard is my friend's husband who was letting his ds pick his own clothes to wear at 3 months by holding them up to him and seeing which ones he giggled at....needless to say he was frequently dropped off at the childminders with some very strange color combinations.

SofiaAmes, . Bet your friend's dh has a lovely relationship with his ds.

You are ALL so right. At least dh is around to be able to help out and yes so what if what he does is unconventional. Joe1 you are correct dh is exactly as you mention and will probably have alot more fun with dd than I will. He is actually looking forward to looking after her when I go back to work albeit only for 1 day a week. Last night I woke him up as dd was screaming for ages and I couldn't get her back to sleep he came and took over and after 3 hours of keeping us up she went to sleep, yeah he used a dummy something I am not keen on as using for a prop to sleep but he made a better job of it than I did. I suppose I just have to bite my lip and let him get on with it, but sorry I STILL am not happy about the dangling over the sink/nappy change! At least he doesn't use staples, I did laugh but I know that is way serious stuff... kinda put things in perspective.
Thanks guys what would I do without you?

There is one thing I have always been glad for dh being there and doing it his way, winding. I was never able to wind ds, now matter how I tried but could just pass him to dh and up it would come. Although is was another cringy moment as he did seem to be 3 times more forceful than me, but no harm done, and would be put into all kinds of positions. I have him earmarked for this job with No2

Oh to be told that I'm not required for early morning nappy changes or feeds (not needed so much now DD is 6 months).

DW would've hand DD over to anyone if I hadn't taken over the early morning stuff. DW needs her sleep (I keep telling she's beautiful enough though) and getting interupted sleep night after night for 3 weeks was bad enough for her. She even fell asleep a couple of times mid feed and only woke up after the bottle fell out of her hand.

I do think that some of the things I do may not be as effective as DW's methods as I don't have as much practice but mine work (mostly, the aftershave on the mask to cover the stench of the nappies from hell was not one of the better ideas and for some reason fluffy babygrows and a sheet of velcro stuck to a wall got me hit when I suggested it as a way of stopping kids from moving about too much) and I do ask DW how she does things and I suggest ideas to her if mine seem to work better but it is really each to their own.

ha ha ha oh dear I hope you don't think we are slagging you DH off!! My BIL told me the other day he used to dip his finger in Whiskey and let my niece suck it to get her to sleep! Needless to say my sister never knew, my niece is now 28 so never did her any harm. Suppose we DW can't win can we?

I wouldn't have thought it was a case of him doing "your job", "his way" or whatever.

Calcium, I wouldn't go off any books at all. You find your own way. I don't know anyone - including myself with a "text book" baby!

sobernow...and I thought it was bad when my dh thought it was really funny to teach ds to stamp his foot and say "where's my dinner!" I retaliated by teaching him to say "Naughty Husbands" which he does frequently.