My partner acuses me of lying all the time

[DebbieSWFC]

Right I need some thoughts from people who don’t know me. I left my husband 2 1/2 years ago and at the time was friends with my current partner who helped me through my mum dying of cancer because husband was useless.
Now I cannot be anywhere near my ex (even though it is only to do with my son) without my partner acusing me of going back to him. Unfortunately I have kept things from him in the past because he goes mad. He is constantly wanting to kick his head in. I just want a quiet life and don’t want my son to see his dad hurt because no matter how bad he was as a husband he is still his dad.
Sorry for the long post but I don’t know if it is me being too soft

I think you've gone from one abusive man straight to another.

Thanks for responding Debbie.. ok does seem complicated but to an outsider it just looks like you betrayed your vows and it’s easy to not justify your behavior for you like you do for yourself. I just mention it because I do think you have small lesson to learn from this even though you definitely don’t deserve an abusive man as a result.

However, I’m not excusing his behavior . Threats of violence is a red flag and you clearly don’t feel safe with him for one reason or another. End it.. and seek real life support because it might turn nasty.

Was your older husband abusive ? He sounds neglectful but not sure why pp says he is abusive. I ask because if you are falling into a pattern with men like this you need counseling.

To an outsider it looks like the OP was groomed by an abuser while she was very vulnerable.

OP ring womens aid and get advice. You don't deserve this.

You need to maintain a relationship of sorts with your ex husband for the sake of your son.

Sadly it sounds like your partner is resentful of that and it doesn't sound like it would get better if you stayed with him.

He is controlling you and gaslighting you.

Choose your son.

@IABUQueen my husband was not abusive, more neglecting. He was so money driven there was always pressure to get a better job and get bigger houses and flash cars. When my son was born I had six months off and was told that I could not go part time or have further time off. When my mum was seriously ill towards the end I would go to work and then straight to the hospital not getting home until 9.15 to be told that he had fed himself and my son but not left anything for me.

Ah so you tried to get somebody who was Not-Your-Ex and you overshot that target and got somebody who was too focused on you but not in a healthy way. Back to the drawing board. Or be single!

Please do the Freedom Programme. You know there’s something very wrong in this relationship. Your son should have a home where he’s liked and supported, you should have a home where you feel relaxed and able to express yourself. You both deserve better than this.

This man is controlling. He doesn’t like your son. He goes mad if you’re late from a night with friends in order to control you. It’s no way to live. Your relationship with your son could be permanently damaged if you keep him in this house where he’s punished for being who he is.

@LoeweHammockBuyItDoIt I would always choose my son over anyone he is my sunshine ☀️

@DebbieSWFC

I'm sorry you have had and are having such a tough time. So much negatively seems to have happened for you in the recent past.

It does sound, I'm afraid, that you are in a controlling relationship.

" Unfortunately I have kept things from him in the past because he goes mad. He is constantly wanting to kick his head in. "

" I am always on edge when my son is around because he says he is just like his dad, when I don’t punish him as he sees fit he says I am weak and am scared to discipline him

" when I went out at Christmas on a work do he went mad because I was home an hour later than I said. He said it was because I was with someone else but I just lost track of time."

Have you spoken to any friends or family about this situation?

I would seriously evaluate your relationship with your partner to see whether this is healthy for you or your child. I'm afraid it doesn't sound so.

I'm not saying LTB but maybe look how you would cope if you did. How would that affect your son? How clearly, in your son's hearing, is your DP making those threats eg He is constantly wanting to kick his head in. You don't want the perception (eg by teachers) that there may be violent tendencies in your home.

If you are unable to speak to someone in real life perhaps speak to Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 for unbiased views.
www.womensaid.org.uk/

Whatever actions you take to keep yourself and your child safe I'd suggest you keep confidential to yourself until you know exactly what you want to do and have steps in place.

Good luck OP. 🌹

Sent

@Happynow001 I feel controlled a lot of the time. As I have said I am a very peaceful person and I don’t want that in my life or my sons. It is never aimed at me or my son but it worries me sometimes

I am always on edge when my son is around because he says he is just like his dad, when I don’t punish him as he sees fit he says I am weak and am scared to discipline him
This isn't fair on your son. You need to put your son first and leave this man

Why on earth would you want your son to be anywhere near someone who threatens anyone with violence? I wouldn't want my son on the same bus as this man.

I realise that it's not you're fault you're messed up, by your experiences of abuse (then and now). You need to speak to some counsellors or anyone whose judgement is not as buggered up as yours, and see if they can get it across to you.

@CistusRose @Ravenmum you are both right I don’t want my son around that at all

Last time you used his "help" to get out. This time, use help from Women's Aid, your GP, your citizens' advice bureau, local self-help groups,. There are lots of people whose job it is to help people in your situation. You are not on your own.

I had already made up my mind last time but he was around as a friend as I started to leave him. I will speak to someone about this. Thankyou for your comments it’s nice to know I am not going mad

You know you have to get your son out of this situation.
You are being abused and controlled.
Do everything you can to get away from him.
Goodness only knows why you have put up with it for this long.
Your poor DS has no say in this.
You need to protect him.
Start today.
Talk to family or a friend and start to put a plan in place to end this.
What is the living situation?
Renting?
Mortgage?
In who's name?
Make a plan and run - far and fast!!!

The writing is on the wall, OP.
You’re in a very toxic relationship.
Whatever he was to you in the past (an emotional rock during your grief) is irrelevant. He’s not that guy now.

He’s an nail bomb waiting to blow.
He’s very bad news.

I’d get to know yourself better in your new role as an ex-wife. That sounds so corny, I know. But your focus right now needs to be on developing a good relationship with your ex and a sturdy, supportive environment for you and your DC. Find love that is healthy and nurturing, a love that brings something positive and encouraging to your life and the life you share with DC.
Your ex is under serious threat here on account of the company you keep. Why would anyone want such a person in their orbit? This isn’t love.

@hellsbellsmelons
Luckily I am in rented accommodation so it is easily out. He has said if we split then he would want cash for half of the things we have bought. It will leave me with nothing but worth it

@TheVanguardSix I do worry it is not a good environment especially when my son said if I don’t like him anymore I should leave. He said he doesn’t like people who just get angry so easily ☹️

I am always on edge when my son is around because he says he is just like his dad, when I don’t punish him as he sees fit he says I am weak and am scared to discipline him

New man must go. Dumpity dump dump dump.

I would always choose my son over anyone he is my sunshine

Right, so get on with doing that, then. Dump new abusive twat man, choose your little boy.

Your poor son. Are you going to leave him to protect your son?

He said he doesn’t like people who just get angry so easily

Your DS sounds very perceptive. You say your current "D"P is very strict with him and gets stroppy if you don;t punish your DS as he sees fit.

I don;t know much about abusive men (thank God) but I do see your "D"P taking out his feelings about your ExH on your DS at some time in the future, especially when the teenage hormones kick in (assuming DS is not a teenager yet). Your "D"P will use normal teenage behaviour as an excuse. He's already jealous of your DS and trying to drive a wedge between you. It'll get worse as DS gets older.

@cistusrose I have to, he can’t be worried about this especially when next year at school is very important. He is 14 in September and needs no external stress when he is concentrating on his work