I feel weird about this but I don't want to

[DoctorDread]

I've been seeing someone for a year. Lovely guy, very supportive, kind, generous etc and I love him very much. I had a very abusive relationship previously so I don't know whether that's clouding my thought processes (sort of fight or flight response type thing) but a couple of days ago he revealed he'd had a fling with a close female friend of his (who I've met and is nice). I'm just a bit taken aback that he didn't mention it before now (there have been a couple of times where conversation could've easily led to his mentioning it) and I just feel a bit weird about it.

I know I need to give my head a bit of a wobble but I can't work out why I feel a bit odd and how to get myself out of this negative headspace. He assured me there is nothing more to it and he doesn't think of her romantically which I believe, so why can't I shake off this horrible feeling and just get over it. It shouldn't be a problem I know, but it is. Any wise words to help me tackle these negative feelings and get over myself?

A fling before he met you? Why do you care? If they were going to be together then they would be - but he's chosen to be with you. I've had flings with people I don't want a relationship with.

Yes. With a close friend who he sees all the time. I'm just surprised he didn't mention it as it's someone he sees regularly

And it's not the fling that bothers me particularly its the fact that he never told me and we/he sees this person all the time. If it was someone in his past it would be irrelevant of course. And I am aware I shouldn't care but for some reason I do and I just would like some help to stop caring about it. Hence the post

Despite some of the responses this will attract, I suspect that most people would feel a little uncomfortable in this situation.

Have you met yet enough times to ask her out for coffee and get to know her independently of him? Building a relationship with her independently of him might help.

I think you can only ask him why he didn’t mention it. It could be for all kinds of reasons - maybe he thought you’d back off if he’d told you earlier; maybe he was worried you’d try to stop him seeing his friend if you knew; or maybe it genuinely didn’t occur to him to tell you / it wasn’t at the forefront of his mind - I have a very close (female) friend who I dated briefly several years ago. Most of the time we both “forget”, almost, that this ever happened, because it isn’t something which defines our relationship now and actually seems quite inconsequential. I probably wouldn’t bring it up with a new partner even whilst talking about my friend because I doubt I’d “remember” it as being something I should, iyswim.

In terms of stopping caring about it, only you have the ability to do that. Dont be down on yourself - you’re obviously what he wants. Don’t be “that” girlfriend who can’t bear her OH to have a female friend. It just eats you up inside. As FurFox said - it was a fling and he’s with you, if he wanted anything differently then she wouldn’t have been just a fling.

Yes I could. Believe me I don't want to feel weird about it. He's a good guy and she's a nice person. I think my past relationship is making me feel a bit jangled (cheated on me with a 'friend') I guess. I just feel a bit in 'high alert' if that makes sense.

And no. I'd never be 'that girlfriend'. I'm aware it's my issue alone to deal with.

Talk to him op and tell him how you're feeling. I'm sure he will give you a bit more context and reassure you which will help . He was probably nervous about mentioning it sooner as he probably understands it may make you feel weird - which it has, understandably.

How long ago was the fling? How long did it last?

I'm not sure. I didn't ask and it felt wrong to prove more tbh. A couple of years ago I think

Probe not prove

Well I wouldn't be happy about it. He kept this from you on purpose.

This is also a woman he sees regularly who he has a sexual history with. Considering he has lied before, you do not really know the true extent of their history together.

You can try and be the 'cool girlfriend' but it never ends well. We all have a gut feeling for a reason and this is why you are feeling on high alert. Something seems off...that is why you are feeling this way.

A couple of things have kind of made my ears prick up. Nothing that looks odd on the face of it but just made me sit up and take notice. She was crying and he was comforting her (absolutely fine and no issue with that) and she cane out with a comment about her being inappropriate because he was my bf which I told her was rubbish and it wasn't a problem and the second occasion was her round his house cutting his hair (I've done it a couple of times previously) and it just struck me as odd but it probably isn't really? I don't know it just felt like an intimate thing to do iyswim but then again maybe that's perfectly normal and I'm just uptight? Anyway not trying to drip feed - just remembering stuff that's given me cause to think?

Is she a hairdresser?

Eww no, they sound a bit too close for comfort.

No she's not. But neither am I!!

I think how long ago it was and how long for are essential questions to ask. There is a big difference between "they dated to two weeks eight years ago" and "they dated for 8 months two years ago".

Yes sons you're right. It just feels so invasive and petty to ask. I feel so stupid for feeling like this. It gives me the fear!

It's not petty - it's normal!

Asking isn’t invasive or probing - and deliberately not asking or avoiding the subject makes it all out to be a much bigger issue that it likely is. I’d have no problem with partners asking me about the friend I mentioned having dated upthread - the answer would be that it was for six months several years ago, we realised we wanted entirely different things so broke it off, and that we’ve had plenty of time in the intervening years to get together if we still wanted to but haven’t wanted to - so no new partner on either side has anything to worry about.

I don’t think your OH’s friend’s comment about the haircutting being inappropriate is necessarily something to be concerned about. My now-DO has an old friend he knew back in the USA staying with him at the moment. When we all met up for dinner at the weekend she said she hoped it didn’t feel weird or inappropriate for me that she was staying as she wouldn’t ever want that. She was acknowledging that it could be strange for me and being kind and considerate in showing so. I don’t think I’d read anything more into your OH’s friend doing the same.

No she's not

Then just; no. There's something not quite right about a female friend he's shagged being around, being comforted when she's upset, cutting his hair like his mammy (hadn't he ever heard of barbers),.. no. I wouldn't be comfortable about it.

I use the word friend loosely, it's more than a platonic friendship by the sound of it. And by that I don't even mean physical, just that emotionally/involvement wise, it seems a bit too much. Them having had a relationship of some sort of the past too.

It's one of those times when people are using each other as substitute partners and haven't fully stopped.

Yeah maybe that's it @Moralitym1n1

She was crying and he was comforting her (absolutely fine and no issue with that) and she cane out with a comment about her being inappropriate because he was my boyfriend..

Even she knows it's inappropriate.

She's shagged him in the past (who decided it wouldn't be more?).

Crying on his shoulder.

Cutting his hair for him (which you had started doing) ...

Just, no. Something not quite right.

I think it's normal to feel how you're feeling, and I also think a bit more clarification might help you. As PP have said, there's a difference between it being a recent thing or a historical thing. Were they friends before the fling?

I don't think you're being invasive or petty. Don't invalidate your own feelings - you're feeling like this for a reason. Don't squash them down - instead, explore then and work out WHY you're feeling like this.

This is what "he's just not that into you" (a truly excellent book behind the cheesy title) calls "Too many queens in the castle".