I feel weird about this but I don't want to

[DoctorDread]

I've been seeing someone for a year. Lovely guy, very supportive, kind, generous etc and I love him very much. I had a very abusive relationship previously so I don't know whether that's clouding my thought processes (sort of fight or flight response type thing) but a couple of days ago he revealed he'd had a fling with a close female friend of his (who I've met and is nice). I'm just a bit taken aback that he didn't mention it before now (there have been a couple of times where conversation could've easily led to his mentioning it) and I just feel a bit weird about it.

I know I need to give my head a bit of a wobble but I can't work out why I feel a bit odd and how to get myself out of this negative headspace. He assured me there is nothing more to it and he doesn't think of her romantically which I believe, so why can't I shake off this horrible feeling and just get over it. It shouldn't be a problem I know, but it is. Any wise words to help me tackle these negative feelings and get over myself?

I think that those who use exes as substitute partners will usually tail it off once they're in a committed relationship (hopefully!)

I think I'll try to have a proper conversation about it tonight. He can miss/be a bit oblivious sometimes but is really good at understanding why something is a problem if I've pointed it out. I'm also a bit skittish generally because of my relationship history and have to really work on grounding techniques I've learned in therapy to ensure I don't emotionally spiral at the first sign of something that might be problematic- hence me saying to him I just need to sit with it for a while and work out why I feel threatened by his omission. I don't feel threatened by her at all. He said he wanted it to be in the past and that he loves me very much and do believe him. It's just that 'once bitten twice shy' feeling of not wanting to be taken for a mug again!

Thankyou all for your supportive words and for reassuring me I'm not being stupid!

Why is she cutting his hair if she’s not a hairdresser? That’s a big nope in my book. I wouldn’t be happy with that scenario.

I didn't ask dragon. I was a bit about it when he told me but didn't ask because I figured it was just me being uptight!

If roles were reversed and you had a close male friend who you'd had a fling with, do you think he would be cool with this?

If I'd had a male friend I'd had a fling with I wouldn't have hidden that information from him for a year and introduced them etc. I'd have been completely transparent about it because I'm aware that these dynamics can sometimes cause upset so in those circumstances yes I think he'd be fine. If I'd concealed that info I don't know how he'd feel tbh. He is quite logical so would probably apply the 'well she's with me and not him so therefore there's nothing to worry about' kind of thought process.

As I said it's not the fling it's the absence of information that's thrown me a bit.

it's not the fling that bothers me particularly its the fact that he never told me

It’s not the kind of thing he would tell someone after 3/4 weeks but then suddenly it’s 4/5 months in and it keeps getting forgotten because it’s ancient history but when it’s remembered it’s a case of it should have been mentioned already because now it seems too long to mention it.......I don’t see how there is ever a good time tbh.

I understand that @Peterpiperpickedwrong but there have been a couple of occasions where we've had conversations about past relationships and difficult situations and it would've been a logical place to drop that information in as it was absolutely related to the info he was giving me. It felt like he deliberately omitted that part of it.

Fair enough @Karatema I think that's how he views this too but his error in judgement hasn't changed my opinion of him. He truly is a lovely guy. It just wrong footed me a bit that's all and my weird feelings have taken me a bit by surprise.
We all have errors in judgement at one time or another!

It´s not invasive and petty to ask him about this. It is part of getting to know someone and finding out if you are compatible. If he can´t or won't answer questions, then you have learnt something new about who he is.

He purposely withheld the info from you. Thats a problem imo.

I'm not surprised you're feeling jangly about it.