Hi, I’ll get straight to the point, way back in late 2011, my partner and I (I’m male btw) who at that point had been together for 13 years were in a bad way. Taking each other for granted, little digs at each other, practically no sex life. My partner went away with her family for two weeks as I had work commitments so couldn’t go. Whilst she was away, I did a very foolish thing by having a brief 2-3 week affair with a woman who made it clear that she was interested in me, and my partner suspected her intentions as well way before that (we were all on the same social scene)
I at the time suspected my partner was also misbehaving, secret calls, protecting her phone, and me catching her one late on our garden path after a night out talking to someone, when I opened our door she couldn’t put it down fast enough and claimed it was just a colleague, I didn’t believe her.
Basically, we were toxic and on the verge of splitting, and I had this guilty secret, I wrongly justified it in my head that we were probably going to split, so what did it matter, selfish and incredibly hurtful and deceitful in my part.
Things improved slightly over the Xmas and new year, but it all went back the same just before end of jan 2012, when she was due to go away for 10 weeks on business in different countries. We both knew deep down that this absence would either kill or cure our relationship.
Whilst she was away I discovered back up texts from her iPhone on our shared laptop, basically sexting different men, and very flirty texts with a colleague.
When I told her that I ha these texts, she told me that it had stopped just before Xmas (hence our improvements I guess) and it was during that period and just after she came back from her trip with her parents and my affair (although she still didn’t know about it)
We talked and she said she did as she wanted to feel loved and attractive again if we split as she also felt we were nearing the end of our relationship, and wanted to know she could still have a life afterwards. She said she never met anyone and nothing physical ever happened as it was sexting and one she admitted to watching on Facebook masturbating, she says she didn’t respond in kind.
She said she finally stopped after she started feeling used and degraded. I asked about the colleague and she said it was purely ott flirting for the same reasons as the sexting (all this done via the app blendr)
Anyway, when her trip was over, we had talked before she came home that we would make a go of it, shortly after her return she fell pregnant, we now have a son (I have two grown up children from my previous marriage)
We are still together, but my guilt has always eaten at me, that I didn’t confess way back in 2012, although in reality neither did She, I happened on it, but it still gnawed at me as I will admit that I sometimes threw her sexting etc in her face in arguments, totally out of order on my part considering.
Last week, I told her, I don’t know why, but I had this urge to do so, the guilt had finally caught up with me, she was devastated, and in the same conversation told me that she had a one night stand her first week away on business with a colleague from that office not her uk one. She said it was a drunken mistake, it was over in minutes and she regrets it but at the time she said in her head we were finished, she also confessed to kissing the colleague from the ott texts way back in late 2011, briefly in a stock room but she states it was very brief and not sexual.
Cutting to the chase, this all came out last Thursday, she came home Friday to tell me she had something to tell me as she had been to see her work supplied counsellor, and I must promise not to be angry, I was expecting more revelations about that period or her business trip, she said she lied about the one night stand to hurt me, it didn’t actually happen, I am struggling to believe her as she provided a lot of specific detail of how it happened etc.
We are both hurting, our emotions are changing day by day, I want us to still work it out and move forward, she does one day, then yesterday says she’s still unsure and confused or scared of the future, and if we have one together.
I believe there is hope, is we have plans next month and a big family holiday later this year she is still talking about.
Should I just take my medicine, give her time and space (which I am doing) or try to bring it to a head and get it resolved one way or another?
Mightily confused, hugely ashamed of what I did, but need advice and opinions
Thank you for reading