How do I sort this?

[PsGal]

Been with my man over 6 months. Spend as much time together as we can, work and kids permitting. I wasn't seeing him last night but we texted throughout the day and had a phone call at lunch. He knew I was having a busy day/evening.

I go to family with my DD for dinner on a Monday and once she was in bed I was having a family member over to help with some bookkeeping. This took me up til about 9pm. Went up to get washed and changed from work clothes and text him to let him know I will call him soon once I've got myself a drink and something to eat. 12 minutes later he's calling me. He started swearing down the phone and telling me he's annoyed because I haven't made him a priority. He's annoyed that while I was eating and I was scrolling through fb and not on the phone to him so I just hung up. Pretty lost for words.

Fast forward to now and we are still disagreeing about it over text. I feel like he's out of order for speaking to me like that. Felt like I couldn't have 10 minutes to myself before I called him ready to chill for the evening.

How do I/we move forward?

Background is that he has trust issues carried on from previous relationship and he is accessing support for this, however it's debatable how helpful it actually is.

@AttilaTheMeerkat you are probably right regarding boundaries being too low but in the type who sees the best in people.

Relationship history has not been great with other abusive relationships albeit not the same situation I'm having here. I think I struggle to understand how his behaviour can be seen as abusive. Can you please explain to me?

It has been an ongoing theme within the relationship which is why I asked him to seek help and I've no doubt he is doing that.

He is very anxious about me going off with someone else and nothing I can say or do reassures him. He asks me to promise him several times a week that I haven't been chatting to anyone else.

I do admit that him being like this for over half of our relationship has had its toll on me mentally, and I do hold resentment and sometimes can get a bit shouty/snappy when he's asking question after question about where I've been, what I've been doing, how long it's taken. I've tried to be more level headed about it now and try not to take it out on him.

I know it doesn't seem great from what I've said but as I said most of the time it's no issue.

We've had many conversations about trust, controlling, abusive tendencies and I thought he was beginning to understand but it seems not.

OP reading your update - RUN! reread what you have written. Can you not see what he is doing and how it will escalate?

"I do admit that him being like this for over half of our relationship has had its toll on me mentally, and I do hold resentment and sometimes can get a bit shouty/snappy when he's asking question after question about where I've been, what I've been doing, how long it's taken. I've tried to be more level headed about it now and try not to take it out on him"

You must see this is not normal? He has NO RIGHT to know what you do every waking minute you aren't with him. NO RIGHT at all.

He is damaging you mentally.

"We've had many conversations about trust, controlling, abusive tendencies and I thought he was beginning to understand but it seems not"

It shouldn't need many conversations. He does understand, he simply doesn't want to stop. He wants complete control over you.

As you said yourself, it seems he doesn't (yet) understand. If he's having support - counselling? - he will have been told this type of behaviour will only push someone away. Well done for putting the phone down on him! If he hasn't been able to get past that and it becomes the issue he has not got enough insight yet. He needs more therapy by himself before going into another relationship.

Horrible! I couldn't bear to be with a man who didn't understand I needed a few minutes to myself after a very busy day. He's thinking only of himself, not being caring towards you at all.

My love you say you're struggling with what is abusive about his behaviour but in your gut you already know.

12 minutes later he's calling me. He started swearing down the phone and telling me he's annoyed because I haven't made him a priority. He's annoyed that while I was eating and I was scrolling through fb and not on the phone to him so I just hung up.

I know from personal experience that once you've been in one abusive relationship you think certain things are normal or reasonable until you undo the damage of the abusive relationship.

Trust your gut, you 100% know this is not healthy behaviour - you said so in your original post

Your updates just make him sound a hundred times worse, sorry.

His behaviour for the rest of the time doesn't compensate. It still makes him a control freak. As for being anxious/having trust issues, that isn't a free pass to act like an arsehole.

Get rid. It'll only get worse not better. Massive red flag!

Stop making excuses for him and remove him from you and your DD lives. He's showing you who he is ...pay heed and move on from him.

PsGal

re your comment:-
"Relationship history has not been great with other abusive relationships albeit not the same situation I'm having here. I think I struggle to understand how his behaviour can be seen as abusive. Can you please explain to me?"

I did not think your relationship history to date had been all that great to be honest and sadly I am right.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. That is a question that needs consideration too.

Abusers are not nasty all the time and there are many different types; their behaviours are all about the same thing - power and control over their intended target. The nice/nasty cycle they show the other person is a continuous one.

Previous abusive relationships have done immense damage to your boundaries here with the result that you really do not know which way is up and you have spaghetti head. This man is further lowering already too low boundaries and he knows all too well that you like to see the best in people. He will use that innate trait of yours against you and to his advantage. He is really playing you for a fool here. Such men can be very charming on the surface and quite plausible to those in the outside world. They are also master manipulators and that is what makes them dangerous too.

Have a read too of this article on the Loser - www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

and do read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft

The Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid could help you immensely re boundaries and how to spot the red flags such people display in future. I would suggest you enrol yourself onto this asap and contact them by phone too.

This man also has something in common with the other abusive men too; he hates women, all of them.

"We've had many conversations about trust, controlling, abusive tendencies and I thought he was beginning to understand but it seems not".

He will never get it because he does not have any insight or empathy. Its always someone else's fault. Counselling/therapy for such people rarely if ever helps perpetrators of abuse because they honestly think they are doing nothing wrong here. Anger management courses are no answer to domestic abuse.

as I said most of the time it's no issue

This is what really worried me from your update.

The reason it's not an issue most of the time, is because you're dancing to his tune. It's when you're not that it becomes an issue.

Please open your eyes and recognise that you are already altering your behaviour to suit him. He is manipulating you.

He needs to know where you are and what you're doing every minute of the day. This is so far from a healthy/normal relationship, yet you seem utterly accepting of this. Please, please follow the advice posted by @AttilaTheMeerkat.

He is very anxious about me going off with someone else and nothing I can say or do reassures him.

That's because he doesn't really believe you'll go off with someone else. Of course he doesn't. You've given him absolutely no reason to doubt you. It's simply not about that. It's a handy pretext to control you.

He asks me to promise him several times a week that I haven't been chatting to anyone else.

See?

OP you say you have no doubt he’s seeking help, but how do you know?

Either way it matters not what help he may or may not be seeking. Clearly it isn’t helping as you have had issues before, plus several conversations about trust, controlling behaviour etc. The fact is that all the counseling in the world won’t help, and it especially won’t help if you hang around and keep taking his shit. It’s very easy to keep on controlling and abusing you, it’s long and painful work getting to the root of the issue and trying to do something about it, if indeed there is anything to be done, and why would he even undertake such a task if there’s no detrimental consequences to him if he doesn’t. Everything is fine and dandy for him if you stick around.

I absolutely reiterate my last post, show him the bin. Stay single a bit and sort those boundaries out, because from what you’ve said you keep on ending up with abusive men. Unfortunately abusive men can spot a soft target from 50 paces. Until you work on your own boundaries you’ll be chum in the water and you’ll end up getting churned time and time again, and things won’t go well for you.

Oh, and to the PP with the ‘shit in the swimming pool’ line, spot on, and delightfully disgustingly accurate. I’m pinching that.

Aren't you concerned about having an abusive man near your children? Don't they deserve a stable and happy home?

I do admit that him being like this for over half of our relationship has had its toll on me mentally

I'm guessing he was on his best behaviour for 3 months before his mask slipped (I say slipped it's more like ripped off and thrown away). Funny how he could rein it in for 3 months - almost like he can control being a controlling arsehole 🤔

Just because other abusive relationships have not followed this exact same pattern doesn't mean you are not currently experiencing controlling behaviour (which you are). It's just different flavours of the same kind of thing.

It's not your job to educate someone over and over again on your boundaries and how to be treated normally. Either he is incapable of understanding how to respect what you say or he understands perfectly and doesn't give a shit about your boundaries.

6 months in and this is the shitshow you’re dealing with? Get rid of this arsehole 🙄

He can’t be like like this for over half the relationship yet he’s great 99% of the time.

Run for your life.

He is very anxious about me going off with someone else and nothing I can say or do reassures him. He asks me to promise him several times a week that I haven't been chatting to anyone else.
I do admit that him being like this for over half of our relationship has had its toll on me mentally

OP, he's showing you and telling you who he really is. Run. He's emotionally abusing you and starting coercive control. He's been showing you and telling you that for over half of your relationship already.

Can you honestly not see that his behaviour is far from normal or that it raises a plethora of Red Flags that would have had the rest of us running for the hills the first time he said it?

Run.

How do you move forward?

You don’t!!!! Pull the plug now and make it clear that that shit is not now and never will be acceptable in any relationship!

From what you have written I seriously want you to consider that not only should you end this relationship because he is abusive and controlling just from the little you have written! but the fact that (due to your history I assume) you don't even recognise this as abusive/controlling behaviour means you shouldn't be with anyone yet

Not until you get some support and do the work like counselling and something like the freedom programme (women's aid etc) so you can unravel this pattern and recognise your rights and relearn what your minimum expectations in a relationship and a partner should be. Learn how to not only recognise it but feel enough self esteem to know your worth more and therefore not stay in a relationship where you aren't equal and respected as the absolute minimum.

You aren't the'type of person that sees the best in people' you are just too stupid/blind to see what is in front of your face.

Why would you even want to move forward with someone like this? Just what does he bring up your life?

Count yourself lucky you have had a big red flag . I had a subtle growing control problem once . I was young and found it flattering at first . Don’t wear that it won’t suit you, don’t cut your hair I love it long , don’t talk to him he is a loser , etc etc . Always saying he loved me . When I broke it off he showed his true colours and was basically a nutcase . Red flags everywhere . You deserve more .