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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I right to be upset?

34 replies

lady11 · 24/06/2019 23:20

Been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. I'm 39 and he is 43. I moved into his home which is a council house he shared with his ex. I did this because my stbxh was continuing to live in our matrimonial house. Really struggled to settle in to boyfriend's house felt like I was always walking in his ex's shoes. In the end after 2 years living together I moved out. I have asked boyfriend a few times whether we could rent a place together then Its a fresh start for us both. We can't buy together because I still own house with stbxh and boyfriend has a lot of debt and can't get a mortgage. Boyfriend has said he won't get a place with me because he doesn't want to give up where he is living now and run the risk that things don't work out with me. He said he wants to stay where he is now for at least the next 2 years or more to help him to reduce his debts. He said to me "well its alright for you because you have your own house to fall back on if we split up". I feel upset that he won't commit to me and he wants me to wait at least 2 years before we can live together again. Am I unreasonable not wanting to wait?

OP posts:

Musti · 24/06/2019 23:22

Why would he lose out if he rented somewhere with you?

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 24/06/2019 23:25

I can understand why he doesn't want to leave a secure tenancy for private renting and possibly moving every couple of years. Could he look into a council house exchange?

Fidgety31 · 24/06/2019 23:26

I’m guessing he doesn’t want to give up his secure tenancy - which is understandable . I would feel the same if I were him - for the less reliable private rental market.
Maybe live separately until your house is sold and then look at the situation again .

Finfintytint · 24/06/2019 23:29

Why can't you settle in the house? He wants to clear debts which is a good thing.
You don't have to wait. You just need to get over the ex thing. If he still has her photos up, etc then you may have a point. Just make the home together.

Original poster

lady11 · 24/06/2019 23:32

What hurts me the most is that he won't get a place with me because if he did and WS split up he would have nothing to fall back on. What happened to being with someone because you love them and life is too short not to be with them. We are 2 and a half years in and I feel like we are not getting anywhere together. Do people set up home together thinking about what would happen if it went wrong? Maybe I'm too much of a romantic and an optimist?

OP posts:

Rtmhwales · 24/06/2019 23:34

I think he has a point.
What happened to wanting to be with the person you love? You've moved out and left him at this point.

Fidgety31 · 24/06/2019 23:34

Thing is if he gave up his council tenancy - and u did spilt up he would be homeless. If he has debt he probably won’t get a decent private rental as he wouldn’t pass the credit checks .
You are asking him to give up his home . I think it’s wrong to expect him to do that .

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 24/06/2019 23:38

Absolutely stark raving bonkert1

Musti · 24/06/2019 23:38

Move back in and redecorate it.

koolaider · 24/06/2019 23:39

I can see his side of it completely. He's being very sensible.

Are you sure you can't make his place yours, in time. Then when his debts are settled and you're further down the line, get your own place together when in a position to do so.

wheelywheelynice · 24/06/2019 23:42

I think you need to stop being so romantic and look at it from his perspective.

Expressedways · 24/06/2019 23:43

If anyone isn’t that committed to the relationship, I’d probably say it’s you because you moved out after 2 years of living together and you still own a house with your ex.

I think he’d be mad to give up a secure tenancy to go into private rented, especially when his financial situation isn’t great. He could very well end up homeless if you split, whilst you do have the back up of owning 50% of house.

Why not redecorate his place together? It doesn’t have to be anything too expensive; a lick of paint, some new soft furnishings etc. to make it feel more like your home. Then he can focus on paying down his debt, you can sell your house you own with the ex and you can aim to buy together in a few years?

IvanaPee · 24/06/2019 23:44

Hang on. You’re together two and a hal years and you’ve moved out after two years?!

Oliversmumsarmy · 24/06/2019 23:49

Why can’t you redecorate.

Make the place different

He would be mad to give up a council house tenancy.

Topseyt · 24/06/2019 23:53

He is being sensible, making sure he is unlikely to be homeless if it all goes tits up.

altiara · 24/06/2019 23:54

You’ve moved out and left him! That’s not romantic.
Actually I think he sounds really switched on, he wants to reduce his debt and not become homeless.
You on the other hand moved in with him after 6 months, moved out again 2 years later and haven’t sold property that your stbxh - so you’re still married with a mortgage. On paper you don’t sound that into him!

supersop60 · 25/06/2019 00:03

I feel upset that he won't commit to me
Um - I think he's being very sensible. You have not committed to him - you moved out, are still married and have a house with your ex.
Why should he give up a secure home when he can't be certain that you want to be with him?

sneakypinky · 25/06/2019 03:26

I think he's right. I wouldn't give up a secure tenancy for what seems to be a non secure relationship.

dragonway · 25/06/2019 04:23

I agree with him. Sorry. You are being unreasonable. I wouldn’t give up a secure council house for anybody. Not even Chris Hemsworth. You need to get over yourself and the airy fairy notions you have. He’s being very sensible.

Needsomebottle · 25/06/2019 06:10

You are in the fortunate position of not having had to find council housing. He, however is not and is probably just thinking that it was a nightmare, he likes his home and doesn't want to end up in a position where he has to get on waiting lists and potentially settle for something less than he once had because things didn't work out.

Yes it would be lovely to be romantic and dive in with all the faith it would work out. I'm sure you never thought when you got married that you would end up here, but you are and anything could happen. He is not rejecting the relationship, just accepting the imbalance in finances and trying to do something about it to build a solid future, firstly for himself but ultimately for both of you.

Also I'm sure he doesn't sit around his house over two years since his ex moved out wistfully remembering how she used to stand at the table with her coffee or whatever. If you think he does then he's clearly not that into you and it's even more reason he should stay put.

ShatnersWig · 25/06/2019 07:58

Sorry OP, but he is being sensible. I've seen umpteen threads over the years where the sexes were reversed and everyone said the woman in the secure tenancy was quite right to want to remain where she was and, in effect, protect herself in the event the relationship foundered. It's no different because in this case the secure tenant is a man.

And, to be brutally honest, the fact you've moved out over something like this would make me, in his shoes, convinced I was doing the right thing.

DoctorDread · 25/06/2019 08:05

You do need to get I've the ex thing. It's just bricks and mortar.

Beautiful3 · 25/06/2019 08:21

I agree with him. He's being sensible to pay off his debts first. Why dont you help redocorate his home, to make it feel more like yours?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 25/06/2019 08:27

What happened to being with someone because you love them and life is too short not to be with them.

You tell us. You're the one that moved out because you "couldn't settle" 🤷🏼‍♀️

ConfCall · 25/06/2019 08:27

He sounds very sensible and pragmatic to me.

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