Am I right to be upset?

[lady11]

Been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. I'm 39 and he is 43. I moved into his home which is a council house he shared with his ex. I did this because my stbxh was continuing to live in our matrimonial house. Really struggled to settle in to boyfriend's house felt like I was always walking in his ex's shoes. In the end after 2 years living together I moved out. I have asked boyfriend a few times whether we could rent a place together then Its a fresh start for us both. We can't buy together because I still own house with stbxh and boyfriend has a lot of debt and can't get a mortgage. Boyfriend has said he won't get a place with me because he doesn't want to give up where he is living now and run the risk that things don't work out with me. He said he wants to stay where he is now for at least the next 2 years or more to help him to reduce his debts. He said to me "well its alright for you because you have your own house to fall back on if we split up". I feel upset that he won't commit to me and he wants me to wait at least 2 years before we can live together again. Am I unreasonable not wanting to wait?

How odd, though, OP, to say you've been with him two and a half years and lived together for two before moving out.

In February you'd only recently moved in and at that point you'd only been together for 7 months. I know time flies, but really...

Now, he may well be being sensible as regards his own finances and his debt. But he ran up £10k debt and is often missing his monthly minimum payment. In fact, you had a thread in February concerned that you were being taken advantage of financially by this man, who reappeared after years, turned your head and gave you the impetus to leave your unhappy marriage.

But you moved very quickly in with someone who has two kids living with him half the time.

I'm adding all this in because I think the truth is far more than just you being unhappy about being in that house. It's more far reaching. You've realised the dream you escaped one unhappy relationship for is not the sunny uplands you'd hoped. Reality has dawned, which may be why you've changed details.

I think, taking both your threads - this one and February's - it's time for you to be on your own for a while and find out who you are, before hitching your wagon to another bloke so quickly.

Why are you not divorced and why do you still own a house with your husband? Surely that needs to be sorted out before you start setting up home with this partner (even though you already have.)

I 100% agree with all the posters saying he's being sensible and who could blame him? Add onto the fact YOU were the one who moved out

Think you're being out of order here

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks 😂😂😂

Wait - he also has two children living with him 50% of the time? That's something that I think you should have mentioned. Of course it's sensible of him to protect his tenancy - especially as there are kids involved! What happens if you split up and he can't get a place privately and has burnt his bridges with social housing because he voluntarily gave up his tenancy?

Aren't you concerned about how he would house and look after the kids? And this is not even taking into account he has debts and is trying to pay them off.

He'd be mad to give up social housing and not focus on his debts to get a place with you. His first commitment is to his children and ensuring they have secure accommodation, surely?

He’d be bonkers to give up his tenancy.

I wouldn’t risk it for someone I barely know

You're upset that he won't commit to you, but you're the one that moved out...

Can't say I blame him. 2 years is a really short time, honestly. He has a secure tenancy where he is. I think he's being quite sensible really, especially if there are kids involved.

YABU you are asking him to give up all his security. A friend of mine did this and ended up in a hostel with her child when it went wrong.

ShatnersWig - thank you for that.
New perspective.