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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner on escort site

33 replies

Newmama123 · 24/06/2019 21:23

I need some advice. I have nobody to turn to and I am at a loss. My partner of 6 years is forever putting his toxic friend before our relationship. I thought things might change when I became pregnant but they haven't. Its not unusual for him to stay out all night without so much as a text. I am now 30 weeks. He seems to have little interest in me and we haven't had sex in I don't know how long. After his latest stint of staying out I went through his phone. His internet history showed pornhub as recent but worse was a site called Adultworks. Which appears to be an escort agency, this is saved to his favourites aswell so obviously a frequent user. Does this explain why he doesn't come near me? I can't tell him I know. This is eating me up. I have nowhere else to go and I want my son to have the best start.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 24/06/2019 22:16

You threw the dice and you lost. It’s time to stop blaming his friend and start accepting that your partner is an arsehole. This is who he is, there isn’t a better version waiting around the corner.

It’s time that you started making better decisions and being both mother and doormat, are poor ones.

CaptainCabinets · 25/06/2019 01:04

Get rid of him, get an STI checkup and prepare to be a single mother. Sorry OP Flowers

FagashJackie · 25/06/2019 01:06

God that's a horrible thing to learn. Perhaps you would be better off without him.

MsDogLady · 25/06/2019 02:24

This despicable man is not committed to you. While you are carrying his baby, he shows no interest in you, stays out all night with no communication, and searches for prostitutes. You say that you cannot confront him, but if he is having sex with escorts, he is putting your health and your child’s health at risk.

What is your living situation? I would seek support and try to go it alone. Be sure to have an STI test.

Sadiesnakes · 25/06/2019 02:41

Nearly as bad as the thread from earlier. It's a no brainer op, are you honestly asking should you stay with a man who prefers porn and prostitutes to you?

Original poster
Newmama123 · 25/06/2019 07:27

We have a mortgage together, I just can't get my head around any of this. You think you know someone but you never really do. He always seemed like one of the "good guys" helpful thoughtful buy over the last few months it's just got worse. We are in the same house for now but not talking. I just can"t bring myself to look at him I feel sick to my stomach that I have allowed myself to be in this position.
Looks like it will be onwards and upwards for me. I cannot possible forgive or forget what I have learnt. I only hope one day someone make him feel a fraction of the pain he has caused me.

OP posts:
toffeeapple123 · 25/06/2019 07:30

Please don’t blame yourself at all. This could happen to anyone.

Figure8 · 25/06/2019 07:33

It’s time that you started making better decisions and being both mother and doormat, are poor ones

Jesus. OP has been lied to- doesn't make her a doormat!Angry

Sadiesnakes · 25/06/2019 07:38

Ok op, I know how much of a shock this is for you, and it's hard to imagine being strong enough to be a single mum right now, it's an awful situation..
but you really need to listen to the advice you will receive here today, and that's to leave and never look back. He won't change, porn is one thing, but prostitutes are a whole other level and there's no coming back from that.
Prepare yourself for all the excuses, which will be he only uses adultwork as porn and fantasy, that he's never actually gone through with it, that he'll never do it again. He will but he'll be more careful and you'll never ever trust him again and that's the worst way to live.
Being a single mom will be 100 times easier then living with a man like him.
In a years time you will see what a lucky escape you've had if you be strong now, and leave for both you and your baby's sake.
I'm sorry he's done this to you Thanks
Also to add, please get checked for std's, ASAP. Its especially urgent since you are pregnant.

missyfafa · 25/06/2019 07:40

@AgentJohnson ‘you threw the dice and lost’ what exactly does that mean!?! None of this is the OPs fault, have a heart and maybe offer some kind and thoughtful advice in this horrible predicament.

hadthesnip2 · 25/06/2019 07:50

List to let you know that adultwork is not just an escorting site & some of the girls/ women on there offer webcamming. Not saying that this is any better for you to hear but it might not automatically mean that he is paying for piv sex.

In any case I think you should leave him as he will never step up & be the loving partner you need.

2beautifulbabs · 25/06/2019 08:42

Please get support from a close friend or family OP as if your partner is behaving like this before the baby has even arrived it's only going to get worse once the baby does arrive you need a partner that will pull their own weight in helping with a newborn in the early months it's tough going if he's not prepared to step up then leave him and as others have said prepare to be a single parent but hopefully you'll have family and good friends who are willing to help you out when needed so sorry your going through this

Original poster
Newmama123 · 25/06/2019 16:32

I really don't know how to tell anyone. I'm quite a private person. Plus they will be so shocked as am I. Thank you for all the advice. I am a liberal person and understand men watch porn however this particular site seem to go the extra mile! I just don't know whats around the corner but I'm trying to stay calm for babys sake. I never imagined I would become a first time mum under these circumstances 😢

OP posts:
purpletoast · 25/06/2019 16:56

I caught my ex partner on this site, he tried to lie about what the website was for at first, then admitted he'd been paying to watch webcam shows. I'm not sure if that was the real reason or if there was more but it took me 2 years after finding out to end things. Same sort of scenario where he never really made much of an effort with me or our sex life. I also caught him asking another woman to Snapchat him pictures. I wish I'd ended things when I'd found out but I couldn't face being on my own at that point. I hope you have the courage to leave OP because it is sleazy and from experience I never got over it or managed to get it out of my head.

Original poster
Newmama123 · 25/06/2019 17:52

My issue is how to confront him. I only found out because I went through his phone whilst he slept it off. He doesn't even know I know his password. I know he will use that to deflect from the situation. I can't see myself staying I can't even look at him. Just feel sorry for my baby. I really had hoped for a more stable start for him. I know I'll survive my mum brought up 3 of us on her own so I had a good example. It's like history repeating itself.

OP posts:
CantKeepTrackOfEachFallenRobin · 25/06/2019 19:10

‘you threw the dice and lost’ what exactly does that mean!?!

I suspect it means that the OP assumed his behaviour would change once she was pregnant.

Why? Why would you assume someone's crappy behaviour is just going to improve?

Original poster
Newmama123 · 25/06/2019 20:32

Why would you assume you can kick someone when there're down??

OP posts:
purpletoast · 25/06/2019 21:00

I would just confront him and don't let him turn it on you looking at his phone, because you wouldn't have felt the need to check his phone if he hadn't made you feel like that! I really feel for you, he owes you an explanation but in situations like this they never have anything to say for themselves. It's just so sleazy I don't understand why some men feel the need to do this.
Good luck, you've done nothing wrong!

CantKeepTrackOfEachFallenRobin · 25/06/2019 21:06

Why would you assume you can kick someone when there're down??

If that were directed at me, I didn't 'assume'anything of the sort. I merely offered an interpretation of a other poster's comment.

However, I am cross on your behalf and on behalf of every woman who posts on here with a similar tale (the specifics might be different but the picture is the same).

Why do we wholesale sell our daughters a romantic notion that love is enough and of 'diamonds in the rough' who will rise to the challenge and eventually come good?

Why don't we teach our daughters that they deserve better so that when they are on the verge of throwing away their precious lives on useless, faithless, undeserving fuckwits, they might have a moment when they ask themselves if this is really what they want.

HollowTalk · 25/06/2019 21:08

Are you able to stay at your mum's, OP? I wouldn't want to stay in the same house as that man.

MsDogLady · 26/06/2019 01:24

Newmama, he has been behaving horribly and showing you such disrespect. You had every right to look at his phone to try and figure out what is going on in your relationship. Don’t let him shift the blame to you.

smallereveryday · 26/06/2019 06:45

CantKeepTrackOfEachFallenRobin. Excellent post. Although probably against popular thought that no one should be 'judged' for any decision they make. !

Whilst I am pleased that the 1950s attitude towards 'unmarried mothers ' has long since been consigned to the bin where it belonged .. we as a society seem to have thrown out all sense of instilling a sense of self worth upon our daughters. Maybe MN is not representative of society as a whole but I am shocked everyday by the low standards women put up with from partners .. and then CONTINUE to decide to have children with these men expecting some miracle character change.

Whilst it's great that society no longer judges women who have children without marriage - it has also allowed men to slide into relationships with absolutely no commitment.
Perhaps if more women refused to have children until the man was committed to marriage- and both parties used contraception as it is designed to be used - then there would be fewer children born to disinterested, uncommitted manchildren.

Spinderellacutituponetime · 26/06/2019 06:58

What? I may be wrong but OP seemed to think her partner was one of the ‘good guys’ and has only just discovered he has been in this site AFTER choosing to have a child with him. Or have I missed something. Slinging blame and derailing thread is not helpful.

Original poster
Newmama123 · 26/06/2019 07:37

Some of you seem to have missed the point here. Do you think I would be in a relationship with a man who behaved this way let alone bring a child into the world. No absolutley not! I have spent 6 years with this man and up until now had no reason to believe he would use these sites. We were un a happy place before I got pregnant hence the decision to start a family. I find your views on marriage amusing. 42% of uk marriages end in divorce in the uk so I hardly think a certificate and a ring would stop anyone. Gay people marry into straight relationships everyday, bigamy is committed. My own mother was married had 3 children and and was then divorced 15 years later. Marriage had absolutley nothing to do with this situation or any other similar. I have recieved some kind words and advice on this thread and I am grateful for that, however the posts which appear to hammer my judgement are utterly useless.

OP posts:
Yukka · 26/06/2019 07:48

Well said @Newmama123

We need to think of a way fit you to confront him.

Could you just challenge him on all the nights out with no contact, and ask him how is this going to work when the baby is here? You don't have to tell him everything you know, just start the conversation and explain you're not happy. See what he has to say.

From there you can decide what to do next - tell him what you know, of tell him that your seriously considering ending the relationship.