FlippyFloppy11,
re your comment:-
"And in answer to other questions the reasons I stay are:
I love my house and could never afford it alone so would have to sell and would loose money as we would have to leave our mortgage deal early.
And I worry the kids would hate me if I left there dad"
Frankly these are terrible reasons for staying with your abuser. You're citing losing the house that you love and losing cash if you were to leave your mortgage deal early!. C'mon get your head out of the sand here!!!.
And no, they will instead come to despise you over the forthcoming years for staying with him. You have a choice re this man, they do not. You can choose not to be abused by him any longer.
Re your kids also they certainly won't stay "thanks mum" to you if you choose to stay with him. They could well accuse you of being weak and putting him before them.
Your own relationship with them as adults could be affected if you stayed, whose sake are you really staying for?. Its not for your kids sake, it could be argued its really for yours.As our children grow older, they tend to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modeled. As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. From this perspective we might question the sincerity of the expression “for the sake of the children.”
If we want our offspring to have joyful and successful relationships, we need to provide them with the best example we possibly can. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright.
Your house is not a happy home nor a sanctuary for your children (it is akin to a warzone) and besides which it is but bricks and mortar. None of the above are reasons for staying with your abuser, a man who you have also stated that you do not love.
Do you want to teach your children that a loveless relationship will be their norm too?. I ask that because that is what you and he between you will continue to show them. And they will also see you as their mother continue to be abused by him. Both of you between you will inflict a lot of damaging lessons on relationships and its no legacy to leave them.
"I care for him but I'm not in love with him, I resent him and I wish I could forgive and forget but I struggle and it's all the guilt I feel trying to keep everyone happy. No matter what decision I make someone will be upset with it"
I would put your own self and your kids first, why should he at all get equal billing here. Let him be so called "upset". He will be "upset" mainly and simply because if you leave he will then lose direct control of you. He will still try and control you and the kids post separation but that in itself is not a reason to stay with him either. Sod feeling guilty; guilt is truly a useless emotion. What are you feeling guilty about?. He has not ever regarded you as an equal and also targeted you deliberately to abuse as he has done to date.
Your mental and physical energies are currently being poured into this man at your kids overall expense; you are not fully available emotionally to your children and they will pick up on all the vibes at home both spoken and unspoken here.
You are likely also codependent in this relationship (infact alcoholism and codependency go hand in hand) but that state of yours is really not doing you or your children any favours.
Please contact Womens Aid and have a chat with them. CODA are also worth looking at and do read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie.