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Original poster

DH trying to change

36 replies

Flippyfloppy11 · 24/06/2019 20:20

I'm new to MN as a user but a long time lurked.

Alot of history to condense but bear with me...

Been with DH 10 years, 2 young children.
He was a little shit, always putting himself first and partying, sometimes not coming home till 7am the next day.
I basically brought up our first child for the first 3 years alone and he now fully admits this.
It all came to a head 2 years ago, he was out every weekend, starting arguments to enable him to storm out and do what he wanted, he became verbally abusive and pretty narcissistic.
Anyway, I finally left him and it turned out that he had a cocaine addiction. Was even using at work and at home and I was none the wiser!!
He went to AA and has been sober just over a year now. And in that year we got back together.
The first 6 months were fine but I would say these last 6 months he has started to become selfish again, threatens to have sex with other people if I dont have sex with him, has stopped helping around the house and is generally moody and not nice at times but nothing as bad as he used to be.
If I talk to him, he gets annoyed and after a few weeks of moaning and arguing he does start to put in effort and is great again but then it all starts slipping back to selfish, not nice behaviour.
It is a constant cycle, round and round.

Has anyone had similar experience? Anyone give me there opinion on this.
I'm torn between keep trying for the kids or to be happy alone and focus on myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flippyfloppy11 · 26/06/2019 09:32

Just a quick update.

I guess I must have been a bit too frosty with him over the last few days after his nasty outbursts at me and the kids that he started being extra helpful around the house and then got annoyed that I hadn't said thank you for cleaning the kitchen that he shouted that I obviously dont love him and he then proceeded to book a holiday with his friends!!!

OP posts:
dragonway · 26/06/2019 09:49

He’s no good OP and you know that. Remember your first post when you said he used to deliberately cause arguments so he could go do what he wanted? Well he just did the same exact thing. Drummer up a row to excuse booking a holiday with his friends. Has he booked a holiday with you and the kids? That’s what normal dads do. Normal men don’t behave or do the things your partner is doing. None of it. You are poking up with hugely abnormal, weird and abusive behaviour. Can you imagine any other woman putting up with the way he acts? He’s never going to be happy being like that. The only thing you can do is slam it down. Cut it off and make him be on his own. Stop investing any time or emotion in him. Start feathering your own nest. Get rid and put energy into making a good and happy life for yourself. Your kids aren’t going to hate you for getting rid of a man like this! Come on! He just booked a holiday with his friends rather than booking with his kids which right now, with summer upon us, millions of other normal men are doing. Give yourself and your kids a break.

user1471449295 · 26/06/2019 09:52

Yes I’ve had a similar experience. I realised this is what the rest of my life could be like and thought ‘fuck this’ and left. Best thing I ever did.

Whosthenanny · 26/06/2019 09:58

Oh dear, he sounds awful sweetie. You've left him before, was it so awful that you would rather have him making you have sex with him or cleaning for him while he teaches your kids how to hate on women? Or can you tell him to have sex with whomever he chooses and then ship out and head towards a peaceful, fulfilling life with your kids. You deserve to be left alone. You deserve to be yourself without being bitched at.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/06/2019 11:03

I agree with a PP.
Look up co-dependency.
This man is vile.
Please don't continue to have him as a full time male role model for your DC.

  • a cocaine addiction
  • he became verbally abusive
  • he was out every weekend
  • threatens to have sex with other people if I dont have sex with him
  • stopped helping around the house
  • is generally moody and not nice
  • If I talk to him, he gets annoyed
  • It is a constant cycle, round and round
  • he fires back with something I did wrong
  • then manages to turn the whole point I was making to be my fault
  • I cause all of his poor choices and shitty behaviour
  • I resent him
  • nasty outbursts at me and the kids
  • he shouted that I obviously dont love him

You wrote all of that!
How can you not see how damaging this vile human being is for you and your DC?
Value yourself more than this.
Do not allow your DC to grow up in this abusive household.
Do not allow this cycle of abuse to continue onto your DC.

Time to get out.
Anything is better than putting up with this.

Original poster
Flippyfloppy11 · 26/06/2019 16:14

@hellsbellsmelons I really liked the way you just wrote it all like a list. That's really helped the rational, practical and organised side of me.

I want to bring up the conversation about how unhappy I am and that I really feel as though I have tried and tried and tried but that I cant do it anymore.
But he is being the nicest person at the moment and I feel too guilty to do this to him, he tlis treated for depression and said that was why he abused cocaine and that when we separated he had suicidal thoughts and still has thoughts of ending his life when he gets really down but says he never would do it.
I am so worried that me bringing up this co conversation will jeopardise his addiction recovery and worsen his depression

OP posts:
CaptSkippy · 26/06/2019 17:21

He wants thanks for cleaning up his own kitchen? What is he, 5-years old?

But in all seriousness, there is nothing wrong with choosing your own happiness. This is especially true for mothers, because your children will model their ideas of happiness after yours. Think of it as setting a good example if you worry it is selfish.

I saw how my father treated my mother when I was younger and I knew as of the age of 8 that I wanted to stay single. I just hadn't learned the word for it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/06/2019 18:14

FlippyFloppy

re your comments in quote marks,

"I want to bring up the conversation about how unhappy I am and that I really feel as though I have tried and tried and tried but that I cant do it anymore"

Stop trying with him. He does not care about you at all, all he cares about is his own self and getting his own needs met.

"But he is being the nicest person at the moment and I feel too guilty to do this to him, he tlis treated for depression and said that was why he abused cocaine and that when we separated he had suicidal thoughts and still has thoughts of ending his life when he gets really down but says he never would do it.
I am so worried that me bringing up this co conversation will jeopardise his addiction recovery and worsen his depression"

He has you well and truly on a string, he really does think you are that stupid. He uses your misplaced sense of guilt to shut down any conversation before it starts.

Now he senses he is losing control of you due to being nasty, he turns "nice" again. This is from him the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and its a continuous one.

Abusive men do ALL the above to their intended target and use their own kind and empathetic nature against their target. You are NOT responsible for the actions or choices of another person. The threat of suicide is often used by abusers as a way of further manipulating their target to keep her in line. He does this because it works for him, he has you well tied up in chains.

magoria · 26/06/2019 18:21

How many times has he said thank you when you empty the dishwasher, clean the kitchen/bathroom/front room, do the laundry, do the shopping, do the cooking?

It is a part of daily life not something some inadequate prick should be thanked for managing to do once in a blue moon.

Your kids are seeing all this even if you think they aren't. Do what is right for them. A different relaxed house is better than a nice one with a tense shitty atmosphere.

HollowTalk · 26/06/2019 18:25

I cannot stand it how these fucking men threaten suicide every time they're told they can't live an utterly selfish life.

Honestly, OP, start to get to grips with the finances. Look at the Entitled To website and the Child Maintenance website and see what your financial situation would be like without him. For one thing if you weren't funding his drug and alcohol habits and his holidays you'd be better off financially.

category12 · 26/06/2019 18:34

Dear OP,

  1. you shouldn't have to thank him for doing stuff around the house - it's an expectation, it goes with being a father and husband - it is not, contrary to his belief, optional nor is it noteworthy. I bet he doesn't thank you for every chore you do.
  1. He throws a strop to shut you up and to give himself an excuse to do whatever. You know this already, nothing has changed. Same pattern.
  1. I would suspect he's using again.
  1. Life is too fucking short for his crap.
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