What do I do?

[makingchange]

I've been stupid. I've got myself into a dependent marriage. I've no income, no friends, no family that would support me.

I have one dc, 5 months.

Dh blatantly doesn't love me. Treats me like a doormat. Tolerates dc as long as everything is on hand. As a newborn I over heard him telling him to shut the fuck up and that he's a little cunt, a few times. Because of this I've never been able to leave the baby with dh. I know that it's just words but instinct won't allow me to fully trust him. I've never had a break out of the house. Dh will look after him whilst I do housework at the weekend but that's it.

Dh is not happy with me, or as a father. He ended things at the weekend, then pretended it was in the heat of the moment and he didn't mean it. I know he wants out. What do I do?

You leave. You can get help. This is domestic abuse and so toxic for your gorgeous baby.

Is it? He says it's me, I'm negative and spiteful to him? Every thing gets turned around to me.

Where would we go? We have not a penny! No one to go to, literally.

I've never been hit or raped. I feel trapped. I just want him to love us and be nice.

He's currently putting the baby to bed. I can hear them on the monitor and he's singing and being a good father.

He is not a good father is he calls him a cunt!

How does someone leave with a child when they have nowhere to go and no money?

If I were to stay and we'd split I'd have to ask him for money for everything. He'd go in the spare room (gladly I believe) but I'd still be entirely dependent. How do you put petrol in the car? Pay a solicitor? Ds is 5 months and made of Velcro.

To be a good mother I have to put him first and stay and be miserable don't I? Millions must have been in this situation before me, what did you all do?

The house is in both names if that helps.

Being a good mother is protecting your child. If your gut instinct tells you to not leave your child alone with him, then you clearly feel your child is unsafe because of him, therefore I think you and your child should be living elsewhere.

If my daughter's dad ever called her a little cunt, I'd be gone.

Where would you go?

You cannot stay with someone who treats your baby that way. It is wrong

I hope you leave. I hate to say this but if you stay there, and your husband is calling your baby a cunt - your failing your baby allowing him to be treated in this way. Plus baby will have an unhappy mother he doesn't deserve all that. Leave. I wish you lots of luck

It makes me so sad that anyone could say these horrendous things to a baby. It’s vile and will only get worse.

Op if my DH ever call either of our Dcs a C* l would rip his head off....why are you so passive?

Leave, go to a refuge, start a new life.

No, you can't allow your child to live in a house with someone who calls him a cunt. Are you aware that name calling of this type is a precursor to physical abuse?

Never mind the massive psychological harm - babies of 2-3 months old understand what we say to them. I'm not just talking tone of voice - they understand words. They know when they are being mistreated and sworn at. The harm that's coming to your baby is absolutely monumental. You MUST get out.

Tell your GP
Tell your HV
Phone Women's Aid.
There are services and charities in place to help mothers who find themselves in situations like these.

PLEASE don't do this whole "well I have to stay with him" thing, NO. That's how children end up murdered by their fathers, being excluded from school because they've learned violence in their home, etc. etc. DON'T allow that to happen to your darling baby, take action. You must be brave x

Do you think he would see a counsellor with you?
If not, I found seeing one alone helped me become less dependent, so I feared separation less and was able to cope with life when it happened.

I don't think you're stupid, or complicit in harming your child- you could not have known things would turn out this wasy and you are trying to find the best way through. Plus, it's good that you're entitled to half the house at least?
Can you put any money aside?
What if you asked him for a separation and to leave?

Joint counselling is not recommended if there is abuse. More appropriate to get sole counselling and explore why you are putting up with this shit behaviour.

You really need to get out asap. Read the sticky threads at the top of the relationship chats. You should also call Womens Aid. Do you have access to any money? Start putting some aside if so.

Getting your ducks in a row.. means getting together important documents, passports, medical cards, birth and marriage certificates, mortgage, bank statements, payslips etc, and putting them somewhere safe or out of the house so they can be accessed easily.

I stayed because I realised that if I left, it meant 50% time of leaving my baby with him. It was my word against his that he’d told him to shut the fuck up. I had no proof did I. Physical violence means proof. I had none and there was no way I could trust him alone with the baby which the courts would eventually order. So I stayed. I was like you too. No income, no support. I moved into the spare room and just existed. So there you go. It’s made me a shell of the person I was but my child is fine and now older. I understand where you’re coming from OP. My advice is hunker down. Keep baby away from him as much as possible and try to build up your finances. Is there equity in the house? Are you getting benefits? Start to look at going back to work. It will take a while but you can get through this

What was your H like before the baby?

The reason I ask is that in some circumstances, a father can suffer post natal depression similar to a mother. This can manifest in feeling like they don't love their partner or child, struggling to form an attachment, etc. He may be the one who needs counselling or medication to get him past this hurdle.

On the other hand, he may be a vile person and you should leave. His language to the baby is wrong and horrific but I know when I had PND on my DD, I told her shut up when she cried and I felt overwhelmed. I didn't understand this tiny alien that couldnt express what they wanted and seemed to delight in me getting in a mess. Wrong but it was how I felt until I saw someone.

You know him now and before the baby and which is more likely

Get in touch with woman's aid, speak to go / health visitor.
If you don't feel safe leaving the baby with him, something is not right.
Abuse does not have to be physical.
Can you get out of house and go to baby and toddler groups, build your social circle?

Really soconfusedandlost? OP I'm pretty sure he won't have PND, but even if he does, you need to get your baby away from him.

Go to your HV or phone Women's Aid. They will help you. Do you have family?

Agree with him it is you, even though its not and get out. That is a terrible situation to be in :(

Which country are you in? How come you have no income at all? If in the UK, you should be entitled to benefits/child income and you will be entitled to maintenance.

If the house is in both your names, you are entitled to half I believe.

Where is your family?

Most importantly, trust your instinct. Do not leave baby alone with him. Anyone who call's their child a cunt has already shown you who there are. He is not a good parent.

What do you do? You get legal advice and start divorce proceedings and sort out all the financials/housing during that process.

My family are either nc or live abroad. I am estranged from my parents.

I'm in England. He registered for child benefit and it goes into a joint account.

He is a reasonable earner. I am a sahm.

Is it genuinely domestic abuse to swear at a baby? He says every one does it when they get frustrated. (Obviously I never have).

I gave him an ultimatum at the weekend. If he loves us he needs to act like it. Within 24 hours he told me that a party we'd all been invited to (we've been out out as a family only once before since dc arrived) was now an evening do and he wanted to go alone as ds and I wouldn't be able to go and he didn't want to let his friend down.

I don't know why something so seemingly subtle has been the straw that broke the camels back but it has. Can anyone explain to me why that feels like such a dreadful thing to want to do? I can't put my finger on why I'm so devastated, I think maybe I'm making a fuss about something insignificant and wrecking my child's future over a fucking party.

It’s symptomatic of his contempt for you that’s why it’s significant. You asked him to prove his love/commitment and he signals to you that you heed to put up with him as he is by doing the exact opposite.

Have you name changed?