should I leave husband?

[Mishadickinson]

These are the pros and cons of my husband feel my husband constantly says hearbreaking things to me,He apologises and tells be to get over it. but his ways are really hurting me and I am now considering being single.Please advise me.My kids are 4 and 2.

PROS
*can be kind and sweet
*looks after kids if I need to go out.I have no family near to help
*salary though he is bad with money and we constantly run out,
(I am sahm ,though now looking for work)
*good with kids feeds, clothes, changes nappy, bathes happily

CONS
*Very boring relationship, never do anything fun,he is never romantic, this year he forgot by birthday and he didnt do anything for our anniversary , he didnt think I deserved it because I had been angry over something he did.
*VERY emotionally abusive when he doesnt get his way,he
swears at me, calls fat and ugly, says he doesnt really love me etc
*I will never forget when he told me he wished I had died during my miscarriage when we finally had our son.I had 3 heartbreaking back to back miscarriages that needed surgery, he said he was upset I had woken after surgery after minor squabble.
*Wishes death on me and my parents often
*Smokes Marijuana daily though never around me or kids,

• This morning after disagreement over money , I told him he had an expensive and unhealthy habit and should give up .He told me he would give up on me before the Marijuana and had no intentions of staying with me in my 40s !!!.I am 30 now.He said this in a very matter of fact and cool manner. I was shocked but he has said before that he plans to leave me when im older.This coupled with his insults about my appearance have made me dread getting older with him as I know he will continue to insult my appearance.,and today he reiterated he has no plans to stick around all this was followed by an apology as usual.He always apologises after his horrible words but I feel unloved, insecure and not secure in my marriage.

Leave, no question.

Bloody hell I can’t see any reason to stay he sounds vile and every extra day you stay he will be grinding you down until you don’t have the energy or self respect to leave.

yes you should

Go now and never look back. He is a vile excuse for a man and soon your children will learning from you that this behaviour is either acceptable or not.

Misha

re your comment:-
"PROS
*can be kind and sweet
*looks after kids if I need to go out.I have no family near to help
*salary though he is bad with money and we constantly run out,
(I am sahm ,though now looking for work)
*good with kids feeds, clothes, changes nappy, bathes happily"

How do YOU feel about him as a husband?. You feel unloved and insecure because HE makes you feel unloved and insecure. Its no environment either to be raising your children in. There is also
nothing in that list about you feeling loved and respected. Your pros list re him is a really weak one akin to barrel scraping and the barest of bare minimal requirements when it comes to parenting. You do more for these children than he ever does. It also shows just how low your relationship bar is; its practically non existent which is what he wants as well. He likes having you around to abuse and mistreat as and when he sees fit, he is really conducting his own private based war against you. This from him is also harming your children immeasurably no two ways about it.

Make no mistake about it, you are being abused here. Do no waste any more of your life with him. Its of no surprise to me either that his cons list is a hell of a lot longer. This is who he is and he is not going to change. You can only change how you react to him.

I would urge you to seek legal advice asap re divorce and contact Womens Aid or your local domestic violence organisation. He will make the process of you separating from him as long and drawn out as possible as punishment to you but its something you really need to do. This is no model of a relationship to teach your children and you would not want them either to have this sort of a relationship as adults. Its not a good enough relationship for you either.

Womens Aid number is 0808 2000 247

Er he wishes DEATH on you quite often?! Wtf? Get out of this relationship ASAP. Do you want your kids to think this is how relationships are?

Holy shit, woman!! Leave!!!

You can’t be in a healthy relationship with someone who wishes death on you.

The list of cons in massive compared to pros. Leave. You don't need to have your self asteem battered by someone who's only use is to look after his own children. Get out of there and life your life when he has the kids. Best of luck x

What an Ass!!! Leave him now, you'll be much better on your own

I stopped reading your list of cons when I got to the word "miscarriage"

What a c* he is. Definitely split up asap. Someone who's as bad a partner as he is cannot possibly be a decent father / role model to children. Get you and your children out of there.

Christ. I'd leave in a heartbeat. Quite aside from how upsetting it must be for you, do you want your kids growing up hearing him say these things to you? Because they will hear it at some point, make no mistake.

He can continue to be good at feeding/changing/bathing the kids when he sees them at weekends or whatever. The pros you have listed are not good enough reasons to stay in an abusive relationship.

I didn’t even need to read it all....LEAVE. Make a better life for you and your DC. Hugs and good luck 💐

Thank you all for your comments, I guess I have been blinded by his niceness when he's not being this way and his apologies, it gave me hope, but I have now accepted it won't stop.

The nice act of his is just that; an act and its actually the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. Abuse like you describe is indeed insidious in its onset and creeps up on you unawares.

Knowing what you know now, you cannot in all good conscious stay with someone like him now. Your children are learning about relationships from the two of you; what are they learning from you both currently?.

I was shocked but he has said before that he plans to leave me when im older

Tell him not to wait and throw a suitcase at him. He's an arsehole!

Wishes death on me and my parents often

FFS woman, you and your DC deserve better than this.

The “niceness” is a pretence sadly to keep you there. Please leave as soon as you can, getting as much help as you can. Good luck

I would definitely leave op, sorry you're in this situation

Oh my god op please leave asap!! This post infuriated me. What a sick twisted man. He deserves no one and you deserve so much better.

You are being abused. He sounds so awful. Please read about co dependency and think about the impact a drug addled father with a really nasty line in insults will have on your children.

Jees, so the only good things you can say about him are that he reaches the baseline parenting your DC, and he can be sweet. Does a pro count as a pro if it’s only an occasional pro?

As PP has said above, he can do his baseline parenting on access visits.

There’s the bin OP, put him in it.

Don't let him take the best years of your life while simultaneously destroying your self-esteem. Get out now! I also cannot see why ANYONE would stick around with someone who has clearly stated that they are going to leave you in ten years time!

There isn't any amount of niceness that would bring me back from that time to raise your barr and make plans to seperate OP. Don't waste your 30s on this person

Your pro list is what most fathers do. He's not doing anything above and beyond.

Your cons list. Well that is awful. His treatment of you is not how partners treat or speak to each other.

Him saying he'll not be with you in your 40s and is planning to leave you, I'd say to him well I'm not staying with you NOW !!!! I'd tell him it's over and to go.

You don't need to be treated like this.