Unexpectedly pregnant and DP's response is far from ideal

[historysock]

I have found out today that I am pregnant-it's very early days-I'm about three weeks late.

I live with Dp and my two DD's-there would be a 12 year age gap between my youngest and the baby.
I am 39. My parents are elderly and need care themselves and don't live near. No other support. I'm hoping to retrain for a new career starting in September.
There are lots of reasons not to have this baby but I'm not 100 per cent convinced I don't want it. I've always wanted a third child and I know I will find a termination tough mentally.

DP's response has been disappointing. We haven't been getting on well lately. Normal arguments about housework etc, but he takes being asked to do anything as a huge criticism and responds really spitefully at times-he admits this later-and will state that I'm the issue, I'm unkind, I'm controlling etc. He will deflect and turn the argument into being about something else. He misses social triggers a lot-doesn't understand sarcasm or irony, wouldn't get 'banter'-I suspect him to be a bit Aspergery-and that doesn't bother me-not everyone can be the life and sole of the party and he is otherwise very kind, when we are not arguing.

On telling him the news this morning I was a bit upset-it's obviously traumatic not knowing what to do and I feel ridiculous being in this position at 39.

He said he doesn't want children because 'he just doesn't', said, when I told him I was a bit sad at his response 'at least I'm not just getting in my car and driving away' as if I should be grateful for that-and then went on to start a row about me texting him on Saturday night when he was out (he'd gone to the pictures and was an hour and a half late back-and he was meant to be giving my friend a lift home-so I just sent him a quick ' you ok?' To check nothing untoward had happened. No big deal made when he got home-I was genuinely just checking in with him, it wasn't an issue-this was cited as a reason why 'we aren't getting along').

So I found myself on the day I've had some pretty big scary news, arguing about wether I'm
Controlling or not for checking up on him when he was late home.

I'm so upset and I don't know what to do. Feel very on my own.

In fact not sure there is much of a way back from this really. Am I over reacting or is he being really unpleasant?

He's not being great but if you suspect he is on the spectrum, huge life changing news that is out of his control is NOT going to go down well (I'm on the spectrum too). I really struggle to deal with unexpected things and I can react badly until it sinks in, I can process it, then start to think about it. This could be what he does too.

However, I'm divorcing my STBEXH who cannot take anything I say without thinking it is some sort of attack and reacting defensively. I also became his bloody mother because he is useless at actually stepping up and doing anything without being asked. And now he's thrown it at me that I can't 'push him around anymore'. He could have offered a thought or opinion at any time, but never bothered so if I wasn't in charge, god knows what would have happened.

The deflection thing could be because he doesn't know how to deal with things, so throws something else out so he doesn't have to deal with the current issue. I wouldn't let that happen. Stick to the issue in hand. There was nothing wrong with you texting to ask where he was.

Do you want to save this? It doesn't sound great as it is tbh. Either way, you can have a crap relationship with a new baby or be a single parent. If you dont want to terminate, those are your choices really. Don't expect him to change.

He sounds very like your stbexh. And he is certainly doing the deflection thing.

I do want to save it. He hasn't always been this bad-it's just the last 6 months or so. We have had lots of talks and he has said he will work on things but just hasn't-which he admits.
Maybe he just can't.

I do want to save it. But I don't really know how. And I just feel so let down by him today which I know will stay with me for a while-I'm not great at breezing through things I've found hurtful-I won't raise it with him a lot but I will think about it too much (something I need to work on)

I try hard to give him a lot of space (I get that it isn't easy living in a house with two early teen ish girls-especially for an introvert).
I will often go and do my own thing and don't pressure him into socialising if he doesn't want to.
I do all the cooking and 85% of the housework-(we both work-plus obvs I run around after my two kids as needed). I don't ask him to do much-bit of hoovering and taking the bins out. And I take bickers over housework as a normal part of a relationship really-I just find it tough when his defence on that is rather than just to crack on and do it, to respond really spitefully about something else entirely 🤷🏽‍♀️

Even just writing this down is helping to crystallise my thoughts. I can't have a baby with someone who doesn't want one, and who can't even step up on housework
Without it being a major row and personality assassination. I feel too old for this sort of rubbish really.

Very possibly the relationship can't carry on really-which is pretty heartbreaking.

historysock

What are you getting out of this relationship now apart from a lot of crap from this man you're with?. You are both equally responsible for the conception.

There is really nothing to rescue and or save and you are really too old to put up with such rubbish treatment from a man that you have moved in with. He is not yours and was never yours to rescue and or save. Hr being kind when you are not arguing is perhaps the nice/nasty cycle of abuse in action and that cycle is a continuous one.

If you raise his child you will likely do so without any emotional or any other input from him although he would remain financially responsible for this child.

re your earlier comment:-
"P's response has been disappointing. We haven't been getting on well lately. Normal arguments about housework etc, but he takes being asked to do anything as a huge criticism and responds really spitefully at times-he admits this later-and will state that I'm the issue, I'm unkind, I'm controlling etc. He will deflect and turn the argument into being about something else. He misses social triggers a lot-doesn't understand sarcasm or irony, wouldn't get 'banter'-I suspect him to be a bit Aspergery-and that doesn't bother me-not everyone can be the life and sole of the party and he is otherwise very kind, when we are not arguing."

He is deflecting his own self onto you; HE is the one who is unkind and controlling. And what on earth is a bit Aspergery?. You cannot blithely assume this of him at all and why otherwise good and kind people actually do is bewildering. ASD does not automatically equal abusive and he comes across as your common or garden abusive man. He is certainly no example to your other children. Would you want them to be in a relationship with someone like he, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

He's got a very easy ride, hasn't he.

Full board and everything run like clockwork for the price of taking some bins out. Practically teenage son territory.

And he can't even keep a civil tongue in his head.

What's the situation with housing - yours, his, joint, how are finances managed?

Honestly - I wouldn't want a baby with him. But, post-termination, knowing his attitude is what made all the difference to my decision, I'm not sure I could stay with him full stop.

Very tough one.

I've suspected he is on the spectrum (I know we are all technically on the spectrum-I can't think of a way to say it without it sounding potentially offensive to those with Aspergers) for a while. Not because of the horrible behaviour-I work with people
With LD-and I'm not suggesting everyone on the spectrum
Is horrible at all!- but because he is a bit off with interactions sometimes, doesn't get normal social triggers, very tunnel vision and lacks empathy at times... literally can't understand any sort of light hearted sarcasm of laugh at himself.
I'm quite outgoing and sometimes I think it's just that I don't get him because we are so different, other times that it might be something more. As I said it has never really mattered to me until it has all become more marked in the last 6 months or so.

His mum once said to me that he can be very spiteful. But I'd never really seen it until now.

That's the rub isnt it. Even if I make the choice to terminate for all
The practical reasons I have for doing so, I'm really scared I will
Always slightly blame him for that, and even if we sort the rest out that's going to be hard to get over.

We own our house between us, all bills etc split 50/50.It wouldn't be easy to untangle it but it's doable, as all things are. I just didn't think I would have to .

I do all the cooking and 85% of the housework-(we both work-plus obvs I run around after my two kids as needed). I don't ask him to do much-bit of hoovering and taking the bins out

So bills, house etc 50-50, you both work...

...but all the shitwork and the wifework is basically down to you, and all you get for it is this on top -

Normal arguments about housework etc, but he takes being asked to do anything as a huge criticism and responds really spitefully at times-he admits this later-and will state that I'm the issue, I'm unkind, I'm controlling etc. He will deflect and turn the argument into being about something else.

Nice guy.

Actually historysock people are not all on the ASD spectrum. You are a kind hearted person who I feel has been thoroughly taken in by an abusive at heart individual. You're trying to find reasons as to why he is the ways he is but you are not qualified to state that he may be anywhere on the ASD spectrum so you are likely wrong re him in this respect. The lack of empathy also here re him is telling of him being an abuser at heart as well as a big red flag. He cannot indeed keep a civil tongue in his head re you either and I would think you are the only one who gets such barbs from him (as well as his mother who also states he can be spiteful). That is not indicative either really of he being on any ASD spectrum.

You give him his space (loads) of it and all else he has to do here is take the bags out along with some hoovering. He has had an all too easy ride at your overall expense and happiness here. If you do go onto bear his child he will not want to be responsible for him/her and that child should not go onto have his surname.

Well spectrum or not I guess today has been a real eye opener (added to other stuff).
I feel like an idiot

*I feel like an idiot'.

You are not an idiot at all. You care for this man. Yes, you run around after him too much (he should be doing 50% of the shitwork) but I know what it's like sometimes when it's actually just less effort to do it, instead of having to ask repeatedly for someone else to do their fair share.

I'm sorry you've had this news today and by his reaction. But it's your body and only you can decide what you want to do. You don't need to make that decision today.

OP,
He sounds horrible.
You sound like you carry a lot of pressure.

A third baby would be incredibly difficult, restrictive.

I certainly would think very very carefully before you carry on with this massive life changing decision, where you will undoubtedly carry 100% of the workload.

I suspect him to be a bit Aspergery

(I know we are all technically on the spectrum-I can't think of a way to say it without it sounding potentially offensive to those with Aspergers)

You work with people with LD and you don't understand that both of those phrases right there are hugely offensive?
I have Asperger's and I'm not spiteful. I'm not saying that it doesn't sometimes cause issues between me and DH because it can. I can totally take something the wrong way, usually too literally, and get offended but I'm not spiteful. I'm aware that empathy isn't my strong point but I am able to act appropriately.
Also, we are not all 'technically on the spectrum', well I am because I have Autism but to say we're all on the spectrum is incorrect and minimising.

Sorry @historysock that post was a bit ranty and I didn't mean it to be. It sounds as if, should you decide to continue your pregnancy you may be doing that alone. I think you have to look at your relationship and the pregnancy separately and not necessarily as a package if that makes sense?

As I said, I DONT think everyone is on the spectrum is spiteful or that everyone with a diagnosis exhibits the same set of behaviours, (though there are sometimes similarities in the cases I work with)
. And I'm
Sorry but I haven't got the energy to argue about Asperger's syndrome. The consultant at my work told me that everyone fits on the spectrum somewhere, 'the spectrum' encompassing all human beings I suppose.
I've just gone with that idea-which I get that some people don't accept.

He has traits recognisable in some people
With an aspergers diagnosis. So do lots of other people-Not all of those people have Aspergers but some do. The reason diagnosis was often sought in the first place was because of the notable traits they were displaying.
I'm not trying to offend anyone and that isn't what this thread is about.

Your DP is an arse. Having a baby doesn’t seem a good plan at all.

I know Loopy. You are right.

But such a sad thing to shine a light on the rest of the relationship and find lots of it a bit shit.
Pp asked what I get out of it-he is very kind most of the time. He makes me tea in the morning. He is nice to my girls, even when they are being teenage bratty and will give them lifts and wait for them when I can't be around or one is one place and the other somewhere else. He does this without complaint.
He loves our Dogs and lets them out every night usually after I've gone to bed. He will walk them if asked.He's been supportive to me when my Mum has been, frequently, unpleasant....
He isn't all bad. But today has been a bit of a shock to the system.

The problems with him were probably there all along, but less obvious.

Or were obvious and you accepted them.

Definitely worse in the last 6 months or so. No apparent reason why.

Before you find out you were pregnant, were you considering leaving him? I assume you had discuss hsving/not having kids before and birth control methods? He is perfeclt entitled to not be happy at all with the news if indeed he doesn't wa t to become a dad. You can't be angry with him for feeling that way and him being anxious at the prospect of you deciding to keep the baby. He might also be wondering if it was a genuine accident or one you helped.

You both need a bit of time to process the information before deciding together wahts best to do.

No I wasn't. Things weren't great and we'd had a few chats about that.
He is of course entitled to be unhappy about the news. I'm not sure -when your girlfriend of four years rings you up in tears that the first response should be ' well think yourself lucky I'm not just getting in the car and driving away from it all'... I hadn't at that point asked him for any help or an opinion. It just didn't seem too nice a reply really.

historysock,

re your comment:-

"Pp asked what I get out of it-he is very kind most of the time. He makes me tea in the morning. He is nice to my girls, even when they are being teenage bratty and will give them lifts and wait for them when I can't be around or one is one place and the other somewhere else. He does this without complaint.
He loves our Dogs and lets them out every night usually after I've gone to bed. He will walk them if asked.He'sn supportive to me when my Mum has been, frequently, unpleasant.."

Again, there is nothing here about him being a great companion to you, you feeling equal, loved and cherished and or respected. What you write is the barest of bare minimums here re him and he does not deserve a medal or being put on a pedestal for any of it. He is barely a partner to you let alone a soon to be parent to his child. It also shows me just how pitifully low your own relationship bar is; its too low and you have chosen a man poorly. He is no example to your children.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. To me anyway he is really another version of your own mother and from the little you write of her she seems highly unpleasant. This is who he is and he is not going to change. You can only change how you react to him.

Where was he or what was he doing when he was a whole hour and a half late that night? That and his vv defensive response might have something to do with why things haven’t been great the last few months.. any chance he’s had his head turned? I’m sorry you have to make more than one difficult decision because of all this OP.

You know, sometimes people are just arseholes.

Easier to self diagnose or diagnose others but sometimes, as hard as it is to accept, people are just shite.

You both took the risk, you'll both have to deal.

I was in this exact situation last year, 38 unexpectedly pregnant and my youngest child was 14. My partner took the news very badly and told me he didn't want the baby and never had. For about 4 months after I told him he didn't acknowledge my pregnancy which was awful and If I had of had somewhere else to go I would of left. Fast forward a year and we have a 4 month old son who he absolutely dotes on and he couldn't be a better dad to. I know he regrets how he acted and he has apologised about his behaviour many times and told me how glad he is I didn't terminate like he asked me to.
Please go with your gut feeling, if you want this baby it is absolutely your decision