Unexpectedly pregnant and DP's response is far from ideal

[historysock]

I have found out today that I am pregnant-it's very early days-I'm about three weeks late.

I live with Dp and my two DD's-there would be a 12 year age gap between my youngest and the baby.
I am 39. My parents are elderly and need care themselves and don't live near. No other support. I'm hoping to retrain for a new career starting in September.
There are lots of reasons not to have this baby but I'm not 100 per cent convinced I don't want it. I've always wanted a third child and I know I will find a termination tough mentally.

DP's response has been disappointing. We haven't been getting on well lately. Normal arguments about housework etc, but he takes being asked to do anything as a huge criticism and responds really spitefully at times-he admits this later-and will state that I'm the issue, I'm unkind, I'm controlling etc. He will deflect and turn the argument into being about something else. He misses social triggers a lot-doesn't understand sarcasm or irony, wouldn't get 'banter'-I suspect him to be a bit Aspergery-and that doesn't bother me-not everyone can be the life and sole of the party and he is otherwise very kind, when we are not arguing.

On telling him the news this morning I was a bit upset-it's obviously traumatic not knowing what to do and I feel ridiculous being in this position at 39.

He said he doesn't want children because 'he just doesn't', said, when I told him I was a bit sad at his response 'at least I'm not just getting in my car and driving away' as if I should be grateful for that-and then went on to start a row about me texting him on Saturday night when he was out (he'd gone to the pictures and was an hour and a half late back-and he was meant to be giving my friend a lift home-so I just sent him a quick ' you ok?' To check nothing untoward had happened. No big deal made when he got home-I was genuinely just checking in with him, it wasn't an issue-this was cited as a reason why 'we aren't getting along').

So I found myself on the day I've had some pretty big scary news, arguing about wether I'm
Controlling or not for checking up on him when he was late home.

I'm so upset and I don't know what to do. Feel very on my own.

In fact not sure there is much of a way back from this really. Am I over reacting or is he being really unpleasant?

It's up to you......if you can offer this baby a lovely time and love I would keep the baby, You say you have always wanted a third child.....well you could have that....it is something to be celebrated x

You’ve been given an unexpected blessing - I’m older than you and have older children than you too, also sat cuddling my 3 month old baby! When we found out I was pregnant my husband and I were in full blown shock for a week. Blessed but shocked.
It does not matter if he has undiagnosed ASD, my son has Asperger’s and knows fine well it is no excuse to be lazy or unpleasant! Your partner is a grown adult and whatever you decide maybe this is an opportunity to reset the balance and grow a more equal relationship. If he lived alone he’d do far more housework, he’s quite capable of doing housework - start expecting more! Re the dogs/children...he CHOSE to live in this family unit, kids can be pains and dogs need walking twice a day, that’s a fact of life.
It feels like you think you alone should be grateful of the relationship - start holding your head up high and insisting on mutual respect/equality. Nobody had the right to be unpleasant to you in your own home and bickering about housework is not normal if you have a man who respects and appreciates you.
I am so, so thankful to have the extra addition to my family.

But @MrsTeaspoon that was YOU

me and dh also had a surprise addition however people are allowed to not want a baby no matter what the situation with contraception etc was. No he doesn't have a say in what happens next but he doesn't have to be happy about it

He was at the cinema on his own-he does that from time to time as I don't like the films he likes. He very rarely goes out so I don't think he is seeing someone else but then You can never be 100% sure I guess. I asked the question last night-he said no.
He said the film was longer than he thought and he got the start time wrong which is why he was late. I've checked the running time and it is long and if he got the start time wrong it's a viable excuse.

He came home last night and was apologetic about his response. He's agreed that he can be nasty and doesn't know why. I've suggested he gets himself some counselling to explore that. He has no friends nearby and so noone to talk any of this through with. He's agreed to do it. I'm not doing it for him however so we'll see if he actually does. He admitted that it was suggested when he was younger and at school that he might have Asperger's syndrome but neither he or his parents wanted to pursue a diagnosis and that's not something he's interested in doing now-fine-that's his choice.

I don't know what to do re the baby at all.
I feel really crap-morning sickness always started early for me and has this time too-and I've got an exam and interview for my potential study next year on Friday which I need to prep for.
Everything just feels a bit bleak right now tbh...

Even if he does have Aspergers, it's still perfectly acceptable for you not to want to live with him. Him having a diagnosis or a reason doesn't make it easier to live with. You're allowed to walk away.

I'm always really surprised too at how many women fall into these situations of doing the majority housework and cooking but feeling grateful that their dp does something when asked.

All I get from your posts is that you don’t get on. His response to sarcasm and banter is at odds with your attitude to life. He finds you controlling, probably a bit unfairly based on the one example. He doesn’t want children and clearly doesn’t take responsibility for the 2 you already have. That’s why he doesn’t contribute more to housework.

In your position I would stop trying to figure him out. It’s a distraction from the real issues which are that you risk being a single mother to 3 children in the imminent future. You have choices to make and I wouldn’t factor him into the solution.

You are focused on the one factor you cannot control in your life. As a mother to 2 children you need to putting them first in all this. In a kind way start reordering your priorities. I think that will make you see things more clearly.

I’ll be honest, I think your relationship is over either way. Going from here you need to make a decision as to whether you want to be a single Mother of three and start again with the baby stage (12 years is a HUGE gap!) or not.

He sounds like an absolute wanker.

You have two choices, have this baby or not. If you have this baby you have to understand you are choosing this father having a route into your life forevermore. I also think your best case scenario is as a single mum if you go ahead. If you choose not to have this baby then I think you will be a single mum to your two DDs very soon.

Can you afford 3 kids single handedly?

I could just about afford it but it would be very tough.
I've got an appointment Booked with BPAS tomorrow to discuss termination.
I'm still in two minds. I don't relish the thought of having a baby on my own (you are all right- that's what it would be in reality-even if he was here he wouldn't be very engaged in it I don't think) but I'm very upset about Not having the baby as well. There are more reasons on paper not to have it than have it-but I am heartbroken.

I can't look at DP at the moment tbh. He hasn't had much to say about it all but that's normal. He's offered to come with me to the appointment but I don't want him there.
He has booked himself some counselling and been better around the house (for all of two days so I don't set much store by that).

I feel very lonely and very sad. I can't talk about this with anyone in real life because I feel so stupid, and because I don't want them to dislike dp for the way he has behaved.
And I'm overwhelmed due to uni interview, work, and stuff with DD's school this week to fit in. And all feeling like crap due to sickness which there probably won't even be a baby at the end of to make it all worth it
Thankyou for all your comments-it has made me think and I have a wider decision to make about DP as well as the baby-I absolutely do see that.

What do you want more...the baby or the man?

If the baby, ditch the man.

If the man, terminate. He does the bare minimum as it is. Do you want to add more to your load?

If I have the baby it's life as a struggling, older, single mum though. And that's probably not Fair on either the baby or my two other kids.

Regardless of what choice you make in keeping the baby, I’d personally ditch the man. It’s not a healthy relationship and he isn’t meeting any of your needs. Personally I’d keep the baby and ditch the bloke but I’m extremely self sufficient and independent and prefer doing child raising on my own because (in my experience) blokes are worse than the baby and make everything a lot harder. I’m sure you’d cope magnificently on your own but only if you didn’t have him and all of his crap to deal with.

39 isn’t older these days. You’re not even 40 yet. I’ve got friends who didn’t even have their 1st until mid 40s.

I agree with Lady Jadie ,Im afraid .Being an hour and a half late home from the cinema?!.Changed in the last 6 months?.There may well be an OW .Sorry to upset you, may well be off track here (hope I am !).You have had a shock so try to think about what to do first ,and then have a chat with him .You are most certainly NOT an idiot however ,just a lady who got pregnant by her partner!.You are only 39 but it wouldnt matter if you were 19 or 29 really!

Oh op, he isn’t on the spectrum, he’s just an arsehole. When people we care about behave badly we look for excuses for their behaviour, it’s human nature, we want to believe the best about our loved ones.
Take your time to decide about the baby, being an older single mum isn’t the end of the world, I’d you want it to work it will.
I second other posters, it sounds like there may be another woman.