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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I making a big mistake?

34 replies

dontknowwhattothink123 · 24/06/2019 07:40

My ex and son's father told me he would like to give things a try again. We have been having sex for a while but he has always said we weren't together and that he was single, I saw it slightly different, because I'm still in love with him.
I don't trust him and never did, he has always been a player and he was an absent father for most of my dc life. He also has npd, even though he won't admit it!
Things up until here have been hard, he was on multiple dating websites (he has deleted them now) and one day when he was asleep I managed to get on his phone and what I found was shocking. I knew he was a player and of course, as someone with narcissistic personality disorder, he would be in touch with someone. I found so many messages on his phone, in fact I didn't even managed to see the end of the messages, some of them was clear that he was sleeping with them, he is also paying hundreds of pounds for escorts to come and see him, sometimes 2 at the same time. All of this whilst he was sleeping with me (and before too, but I guess before me I can't complaint). The last time he paid for an escort was a week ago, not long after that he made the decision that he wants to be with me and it wasn't the first time he paid for them whilst he was sleeping with me! He was also messaging and seeing other women during this time. I confronted him about it and he said he would stop it all if he was in a loving relationship and that I needed to trust him.
I never trusted him and this is making things even harder, I feel like there is no way out for me, as myself and my child will end up hurt anyway.
Am I making a mistake here? Should I give things a try? If I decide to not go ahead with this, I don't want my child to see him again and will completely disappear from his life. I have done a lot of research on narcissistic personality disorder and have no doubts he has it, I know it has no cure and it will just get worse. I would like to give things a try, but my mind is really confused.

OP posts:
TheBogWitchIsBack · 24/06/2019 07:50

Sounds to me like you already know the answer to this.
I definitely would not be going back to someone like that. Hell no.

FelixFelicis6 · 24/06/2019 07:52

What on Earth do you find attractive about him?! It will 100% end badly and you would be a fool to even try when you know this

dontknowwhattothink123 · 24/06/2019 07:57

Part of me thinks that he will never stop seeing all these women, another part of me thinks that perhaps I should give it a try. I am so sick of it all, I am actually ready to just give up on life

OP posts:
alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 24/06/2019 07:57

Should you give it a try with a cheater who spends lots of money on prostitutes, and is a narcissist that you can't trust? Oh COME ON!

newmomof1 · 24/06/2019 07:58

You'd be stupid to give him another try.
You don't trust him, or particularly like him it seems.
He's a sleaze.
Just run.

fedup21 · 24/06/2019 07:59

Get some self respect! Find a man who isn’t cheating on you with multiple women and escorts.

And get an STD check.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 07:59

Yes, you are making a big mistake.

You can fall out of love, the most important way to do that is to cut contact.

(I realise you may have to have contact for children, but you can minimise that. Someone else in your family could host pickup/drop-off? In fact maybe not even necessary if he's an absent father).

ComeAndDance · 24/06/2019 08:02

Why on Earth do you want to try again? It’s only going to end with a heartache. Being ‘in love’ isn’t enugh to make it work.

Get checked for STD. Stop seeing him completely. Don’t answer any message that isn’t about your dc.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 24/06/2019 08:19

Don't give up on life! Give up on him. Stop sleeping with him, move on. You will eventually feel so much better when you're free and don't have to give this awful person headspace.

RestingBitchFaced · 24/06/2019 08:21

I can't believe you are even considering it! This man will not make you happy. Walk (or run) away now, you deserve so much better than this. You will never be able to trust him

dottiedodah · 24/06/2019 08:25

Try to see friends /family more .You sound rather isolated TBH.I think you are depending on this man and it isnt healthy(Quite literally !You need an STD check ASAP).There is a way out for you and you need some support from F and F to head for the exit!.Honestly he sounds like Charlie from 2 and a 1/2 men!!.Get out now you are still young and will meet someone nice .Dont hang onto this loser and ruin your whole life ,he wont change and you will end up in the same position only older and sadder !

dontknowwhattothink123 · 24/06/2019 08:49

I know I am a fool! I've always wanted to be with him. Even though I knew he was a player I never thought it was this bad. I don't think I can do this

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 24/06/2019 08:51

What's the attraction in a man who uses prostitutes and is a useful father?

You say he has NPD... what is your reason for thinking he's the best you can do?

pallasathena · 24/06/2019 08:52

I'd look up the dictionary definition of masochism OP. Do you really want to self sabotage yours and your child's future life?

Riverviews · 24/06/2019 09:11

Wouldn't you feel disgusting sleeping with a cheater who uses prostitutes? You can do better than that. Even if you stay alone, at least you'll keep your dignity and your sexual health

Happinessbegins · 24/06/2019 09:12

Do you truly and honestly think he will change and be with you happy ever after? You’re kidding yourself.

GeorgeTheFirst · 24/06/2019 09:12

Don't be daft.

And stop sleeping with him.

Scorpvenus1 · 24/06/2019 10:49

Got to stop being weak or continuously be hurt.

Over and Over again.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/06/2019 10:56

I'm sorry but you seriously need to raise your boundaries.

Why on earth would you let this sleaze back into your life (and your bed)? Just URGH. Get yourself tested for STIs ASAP.

Please do not let your son grow up thinking this an acceptable way to treat women.

dontknowwhattothink123 · 24/06/2019 16:16

I know what I need to do, just don't know if I can do it.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 24/06/2019 16:17

You have DC. Woman up and do better.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 24/06/2019 16:19

You need to really work on your self respect. Get rid of him, sort yourself out, and then find a man who deserves you.

baileys6904 · 24/06/2019 16:23

Whatever you decide to do with your relationship with him, the one your DV have is a separate issue and they should be allowed to maintain this until they are sold enough to decide for themselves.

If it were upto me I'd never see my ex again and although in the past he didnt step upto the plate, he eventually did and my DS loves him. I've kept the ' bad bits' to myself, its stuff my son doesnt need to know and mistakes his dad made previously, and I know that I can look my son in his eyes and say I did everything I could to put him first.

Your ex may make a rubbish partner but a great dad. If you take that chance from your kids they may never forgive u

dontknowwhattothink123 · 24/06/2019 16:30

If I decide to not see him anymore, my dc will not see him again. I don't think he is that interested in dc unfortunately and only wants to see dc to make himself look good to his family and the women he talks to. I will talk to dc about it, as I think dc is old enough to understand what is going on and to make a decision

OP posts:
msmith501 · 24/06/2019 16:34

I think the issue here is one of self esteem and specifically your lack of it. From what you have said, you deserve much better and should have pride in who you are and the values you know to be true. I doubt he will change and whilst you're holding a torch for your perfect vision of him, you can't easily move on. There are nice people out there to match what you have to offer Smile