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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my marriage over

29 replies

fourboysmum · 23/06/2019 23:44

Hi ,
I'm married with 4 boys , we have been together for 15 years , we have had plenty ups and downs but have been happy and I have always felt secure in my relationship. The last 18 months have been awful we have had absolutely no relationship only communicating because of the children , I constantly tried to get things back on track but I was being completely stonewalled by my husband, eventually he told me he didn't love me anymore but was here for the children , recently my husband agreed to try and sort our relationship again and we have slowly started to become intimate again but I really feel he has no interest In working on our marriage, I confronted him yesterday he said he doesn't know if he loves me and maybe we should split up , I asked him if he was having an affair which he denies but I find this very hard to believe now , I love him and have told him I want our marriage to work but I'm not willing to continue with this relationship unless a lot of things change and we are happy together and he wants to be with me , I'm so upset and don't know what to do

OP posts:

Sadiesnakes · 24/06/2019 02:07

Im sorry OP, it does sound like it may be an affair. Does he work away a lot? or always doing his hobby? I'd begin seriously investigating if I were you, before I put in any more time trying to get the marriage back on track.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 24/06/2019 02:25

Once someone says they don't love you, staying is just a hiding to nothing.

Probably an affair, but even if not, why stay?

dragonway · 24/06/2019 02:35

What happened 18 months ago? Did something kick off? I think it’s likely another woman. Sounds very suspicious

Aquamarine1029 · 24/06/2019 02:40

You either both work equally as hard to fix the marriage or it's over. There is no inbetween, unless you want to remain miserable, of course.

Original poster

fourboysmum · 24/06/2019 06:30

Hi thanks for reply's , nothing happened to start this that I know of just a lot of stress and pressure in our lives at that time , I continually tried to fix it and he was not interested at all , then I felt like I did not want to be with him as things were so awful and I went to counseling, there is no way he would ,and I decided I did want our marriage to work , I told him both needed to make this work or he would need to move out , he was so concerned about Leaving the children that I feel it might be the only reason he agreed to work on our marriage.
Things are a lot better between us However it fast became obvious he was not interested in working on our relationship.
He does not work away and is here every night and home on time after work but he does go to the gym every morning, so I don't know , and also don't know how I would find out , I feel he is a very good liar and would never be caught if he is being unfaithful.
I really don't want us to split up , I love him and I know our children but be devastated but if he doesn't want to work on our marriage and if he is having an affair I am very much prepared to end this marriage and have him move out

OP posts:

TheStuffedPenguin · 24/06/2019 06:47

I'm sorry but I also think there may be someone else . The "doesn't love you anymore but is here for the children" is bad news. I would be observing the gym time more closely . How much time do you get alone together ? 4 children is a lot ! Were you both on board with this amount of children ?

Original poster

fourboysmum · 24/06/2019 07:04

First he said he didn't think he loved me , then he didn't , now he doesn't know and will think about it , in the beginning it was a huge shock as he has always loved me so much and always wanted to have sex a lot but I did push him away a lot as I was so tired all the time but we did have a good sex life, well I thought we did , not so sure now
He is like a different person now , we never have any time alone so it is very difficult to talk to him and no he definitely didn't want 4 kids it just happened that way

OP posts:

newmomof1 · 24/06/2019 07:07

I don't think he's having an affair, I think your family situation has changed since having DC's and he misses the person you used to be and the relationship you used have.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 24/06/2019 07:13

newmom I disagree. 9 times out of 10 on here when the guy announces he doesn't love her any more , there's someone else lined up.

TheStuffedPenguin · 24/06/2019 07:16

He "has to think about it " - what a prince !

TheStuffedPenguin · 24/06/2019 07:17

he definitely didn't want 4 kids it just happened that way

So you wanted 4 kids or you are lax about contraception ?

Original poster

fourboysmum · 24/06/2019 07:37

It's difficult to check his gym time as he leaves here very early every morning and then goes straight to work so I just don't know , I know I told him he has had bloody long enough time to think about it , I just feel he has totally switched off and doesn't care , things are a lot better as in the bad tension is gone and we are chatting away like friends etc but I feel there is no emotional intimacy between us any more that is gone , I am being very honest with him telling him a still love him I want it to work etc and he is one minute saying this is just life etc and then he says maybe we should split up

OP posts:

newmomof1 · 24/06/2019 07:40

@IAmAlwaysLikeThis he doesn't have time to cheat.
If you were the OW would you be happy to only see him at half 7 in the morning?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 24/06/2019 07:41

I’m not sure he’s having an affair really. It could be that you have drifted apart and are not the people you were before DC (of course we all change) but that you haven’t been communicating during that time very well. It may be that you need to both think how you would like your marriage to look going forward and I suspect that won’t be easy and counselling would benefit you both to help you decide that, even if it is to split.

PicsInRed · 24/06/2019 07:59

Sorry, another one who thinks affair. It sounds like he thought he had one lined up to leave to, but she changed her mind, which is why he turned back to you (but in a disinterested sort of way).

PicsInRed · 24/06/2019 08:01

Most of them work. Work trips, working late, lunch time, taking a day off (but not telling the wife) etc etc. Cheaters find a way - they're cheaters, remember?

dottiedodah · 24/06/2019 08:13

I agree with pics In red TBH.Most men who want out of their marriage usually have OW in mind! .They will only go if someone else is lined up.If he has come away from Affair to you ,he seems rather half hearted by the seems of it.What time does he leave home at and when does the Gym open ?.Unless you can follow him (maybe see if a chum would come over while you go out EM)?.4 children is a lot and some men dont cope very well with the inevitable impact a large family can have!.Has he gone to the Gym before or is it anew thing ,If its recent would seem most likely hes up to no good !

Buggeritimgettingup · 24/06/2019 08:14

cherchez la femme

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 24/06/2019 08:14

OP we can only speculate if he's cheating, but it's a bit by the by really. He told you he doesn't love you. If you want to keep your self respect, you have to walk away. Otherwise you're going to end up trying to persuade him to love you. Who wants that?

And plenty of people have affairs at lunchtimes, over the internet, when they are supposed to be working, when they are on work trips, when they're working early/late

Original poster

fourboysmum · 24/06/2019 08:22

I have told him unless he loves me and wants to be with me ,and we are happy together ,and have eachothers backs etc and we are both working on our marriage then I do not want to plod along like this as it is becoming torturous for me , especially as we have started having sex again and I totally feel he could take it or leave it ,
We had absolutely no physical contact whatsoever for 18 months and I know how much he always wanted to have sex with me .
So I'm not sure he is having an affair but I think it is likely that he was unfaithful in that time

OP posts:

ComeAndDance · 24/06/2019 08:23

Whether he is cheating or not doesn’t mattter.

He isn’t happy. He isn’t ready or make an effort to make it work. That means the relationship is dead.

I’m sorry OP but you can’t save a marriage single handily :(

Honeyroar · 24/06/2019 08:31

Read your posts back. He says he doesn’t love you, then he does, then he’s not sure. He won’t go to counselling and face up to things. He said he’s only there for the children. You think he might have been unfaithful in the past even if he’s not having an affair now. You haven’t had sex for 18 months and now you are he feels half hearted...

You sound like you’re putting everything into this, but for what? You sound like you’re fighting for a dead loss.

LemonTT · 24/06/2019 08:32

You told him what you expect in terms of commitment and he said he couldn’t do it or feel it already. Followed by a suggestion from him that you split. Then I think you are finished.

Speculation on OW past or current won’t change that. Start really moving forward with the separation. You set the red line and he crossed it. No OW needed.

Original poster

fourboysmum · 24/06/2019 09:05

Thanks everyone for reply's it has helped , yes obviously affair or not , unless he wants to have a proper relationship and marriage with me then this is the end ,
I have laid all my cards on the table and feel I have left it drag on too long , right now I am putting pressure on him to either make a huge change now or I want to split up

OP posts:

Simonfromharlow · 24/06/2019 09:06

I'm sorry I think yes the relationship is over. I'm currently going through the same thing and this is pretty much how it played out.

Sorry op

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