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Original poster

Where do we go from here? (Sexual content)

48 replies

Instagrrr · 23/06/2019 23:19

Might be a long one but here goes...

Bit of background, husband and I have been together 16 years, married for 2.5 years, have 2 beautiful children together and we are saving for a house. We both have jobs we love and nobody else is involved.

So basically for the last 6 months or so he’s become more and more impotent. He struggles to get it up, then comes before it’s even had a chance to get hard. This used to be once in a while but now it’s nearly every time, and I find the whole soft thing repulsive if I’m honest which doesn’t do a lot. He seems to be incredibly selfish lately with just “sorting himself out” then wondering why I don’t really fancy it all the time. We have tried Viagra but that in itself takes any excitement or spontaneity out of the situation and then means if he’s taken it he doesn’t want to waste it even if we don’t fancy it!

We’ve previously had a very good sex life, but it seems to have taken a real nose dive over the last 6/7 months. He tells me that I need to “make more effort” when it comes to our sex life but honestly I find the whole thing hard work, any excitement in it for me is long gone and I definitely need to feel emotionally and mental engaged for me to even fancy it. The fact it can’t just happen any more is a huge turn off in itself, it feels like we have to book it in a diary Confused

Has anyone been through this? It’s making me desperately sad, he says if I don’t put more effort in then he will leave me (he won’t) I think he’s just lashing out about his own shortcomings (pardon the pun Grin )
Where do we go from here? Sad

OP posts:
Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 23/06/2019 23:22

It’s very unpleasant that he is blaming you for his flagging cock and threatening he will leave you if you don’t try harder. Are there medical reasons for his current issues? Or emotional ones? Affair?

Youcanstay · 23/06/2019 23:27

How’s he’s porn habits?

S1naidSucks · 23/06/2019 23:30

What age is he and has he been to the doctors about it?

Original poster
Instagrrr · 23/06/2019 23:31

I genuinely don’t think there is anyone else, nor do I think he would leave me. When he spoke to the dr about it, they said it could be stress. He doesn’t drink or smoke.

OP posts:
Original poster
Instagrrr · 23/06/2019 23:33

He’s 44, watches some porn but rarely, we sometimes watch it together too. It doesn’t help 😬

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/06/2019 23:34

I'd assume he was over-using porn, tbh.

He does sound incredibly selfish - that's really off-putting.

fedup21 · 23/06/2019 23:34

*then means if he’s taken it he doesn’t want to waste it even if we don’t fancy it!

What do you mean by ‘waste it’?

Original poster
Instagrrr · 23/06/2019 23:35

@fedup21 waste the Viagra pill.

OP posts:
S1naidSucks · 23/06/2019 23:43

I know he’s quite young, but has he had his prostate checked? If there doesn’t appear to be any other reasons, then I think he should push for testing.

Original poster
Instagrrr · 23/06/2019 23:52

No he hasn’t recently, I’ll ask him to get it checked

OP posts:
Smellbowpenisbeaker · 24/06/2019 00:00

Overuse of hardcore porn. Especially if he’s telling you to make more effort. Hard to stimulate and expecting a women to do everything to please a man go hand in hand with porn.

Original poster
Instagrrr · 24/06/2019 00:08

@Smellbowpenisbeaker - great username Grin

He’s told me he’s had the same issue when he’s masturbating. I know he does watch it occasionally (it doesn’t bother me) I think he says it to lash out, I mean what’s that going to solve, because he wouldn’t be able to get it up with anyone else either GrinHmm

OP posts:
Antibles · 24/06/2019 00:30

Porn. My ex was like this. Performance nose dived, blamed it on me and told me I needed to do more. When our relationship fell to pieces, in an attempt to salvage things, he admitted to adopting major porn use and acknowledged its role in causing his erectile dysfunction. I do not forgive him for lying and blaming me. Note he is now my ex. Porn is ruining sexual relationships everywhere and causing horrendous sexual coercion of women.

Scott72 · 24/06/2019 00:42

Its a trope here to blame all male sexual problems here on porn/wanking, but it doesn't appear to be the main issue here (although perhaps worth looking into). The whole process of getting and maintaining an erection is more complicated than it might appear. There could be all sorts of problems which result in impotency. But the viagra works right? There's a solution until hopefully whatever the main issue is resolved. That you find the process of using viagra deeply unsexy is something you will have to work on. That "if he’s taken it he doesn’t want to waste it" is something you'll both have to work on.

hadthesnip2 · 24/06/2019 00:48

Viagra usually lasts a good few hours- up to 6 I believe - so it's not like him/ you have to be "up for it" straight after he takes one.

Rosemary46 · 24/06/2019 00:50

Hard to stimulate and expecting a women to do everything to please a man go hand in hand with porn

Yup. It’s death grip syndrome. The give away is that it’s somehow YOUR problem to fix.

I assume GP has tested for type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure , prostate etc .

Weenurse · 24/06/2019 00:54

Erectile dysfunction can be caused by a number of things.
Is he over weight?
Is there a family history of heart disease?
Does he have diabetes?
He needs a thorough assessment by his GP. If nothing physical, then counseling for his stress and possibly intimacy counseling for you both.
Good luck

Scott72 · 24/06/2019 00:59

Isn't it oversimplistic and not helpful to say all male sexual problems are 100% caused by porn? Like I said this wouldn't be the cause of his impotency issues, but it may be making it worse. She said she finds his impotency problems "repulsive" (kudos on her honesty) and viagra use unsexy? Some of that attitude is going to come through and not make him feel like sex much, which makes him feel like wanking more, which in turns disgusts her more. The whole cycle needs to be disrupted. He needs to try his best to abstain from porn. She needs to try her best to be patient and understanding with his performance issues.

SpitefulBreasts · 24/06/2019 01:10

Scott72
that you find the process of using viagra deeply unsexy is something you will have to work on
Why is this up to the op to work on it. He's the one that can't maintain an erection. Why should she be the one to 'work on' his erectile disfunction? He's the one with the soft cock and premature ejaculation. He's the one with the problem so in what world is this the OP's problem to solve. She has no say on how his cock works. He does and is choosing not to engage with HIS erectile disfunction. He takes viagra and op has to shag him then, because he doesn't want to waste it.
If I were in your shoes Instagrrr either I'd be out of the door or he'd be gone.
It's your relationship and people will always do what they want to do, so it may be shit or get off the pot time. Do you want to spend the rest of your life living like this. If you do, well ok for you, if you don't then change it.

Sadiesnakes · 24/06/2019 01:20

@Scott72 I knew this had to be porn related as I could see you were the last to post. How come the only contribution you give to mumsnet is to come on threads like these and defend porn, when clearly, given the number of these threads here daily, it causes tremendous damage to marriages. Makes me feel you are in denial yourself.
MrMagooooo will come along shortly no doubt.

Scott72 · 24/06/2019 01:23

Yes its up to her to be understanding of his need for viagra and be more patient with his impotency problems. Its up to him to cut back and ideally stop using porn, improve his attitude and try and resolve it so he doesn't need viagra. They need to work out what happens if he takes viagra and then she doesn't feel like sex. Perhaps he can go have a wank (without using porn).

Scott72 · 24/06/2019 01:26

Sadies, do I defend porn? All I'm saying is it unrealistic to pit all the blame for male sexual problems on it. I can see the appeal of that though. This enables women to put all the blame for male sexual problems entirely on the men's own moral failings and poor decisions.

Sadiesnakes · 24/06/2019 01:30

Op, it would be very naive to believe he uses porn rarely. Apart from ruling out medical problems, which would be sensible, Id agree with pp in that he's showing all the signs of a porn addiction/ death grip issues. Men are very good at hiding the extent of their usage and are generally in denial when it does become a problem, for lazy and selfish reasons. It probably doesn't occur to him the damage it will do to you, or your marriage.

snitzelvoncrumb · 24/06/2019 01:33

Op I suggest you find a gp who will give dp a check up and make sure there isn't a physical cause. If there isn't a physical cause then find a counsellor who specialises in your issue. Perhaps agree to take a break from sex for now as it seems to be building resentment. I think you need to tell your dp it's something you need to work on together.

Sadiesnakes · 24/06/2019 01:35

This enables women to put all the blame for male sexual problems entirely on the men's own moral failings and poor decisions.

Sure, but 9 times out of 10 these posts turn out to actually be porn related.