Where do we go from here? (Sexual content)

[Instagrrr]

Might be a long one but here goes...

Bit of background, husband and I have been together 16 years, married for 2.5 years, have 2 beautiful children together and we are saving for a house. We both have jobs we love and nobody else is involved.

So basically for the last 6 months or so he’s become more and more impotent. He struggles to get it up, then comes before it’s even had a chance to get hard. This used to be once in a while but now it’s nearly every time, and I find the whole soft thing repulsive if I’m honest which doesn’t do a lot. He seems to be incredibly selfish lately with just “sorting himself out” then wondering why I don’t really fancy it all the time. We have tried Viagra but that in itself takes any excitement or spontaneity out of the situation and then means if he’s taken it he doesn’t want to waste it even if we don’t fancy it!

We’ve previously had a very good sex life, but it seems to have taken a real nose dive over the last 6/7 months. He tells me that I need to “make more effort” when it comes to our sex life but honestly I find the whole thing hard work, any excitement in it for me is long gone and I definitely need to feel emotionally and mental engaged for me to even fancy it. The fact it can’t just happen any more is a huge turn off in itself, it feels like we have to book it in a diary

Has anyone been through this? It’s making me desperately sad, he says if I don’t put more effort in then he will leave me (he won’t) I think he’s just lashing out about his own shortcomings (pardon the pun )
Where do we go from here?

The porn use sounds like a red herring tbh. Surely the main problem is that the two of you are seeing it as a "Well, are we going to? Because if so, I'll take my pill and be ready in half an hour" situation, and naturally, your instinctive reaction is to decline. Few people go around in a state of arousal to start with, so of course you don't fancy it right away as soon as you're asked. That doesn't mean you won't enjoy it once you get going, but he needs to understand that it's still his job to arouse you before expecting you to decide.

With previous experiences of grimly attempting to get excited by his disappointing flopadoodle, the whole thing becomes more of an emotive battle and nothing to do with sharing love for each other.

I believe I read somewhere that sex therapists suggest you try agreeing no sex for a month, but kiss and cuddle and caress each other every night and see if it helps to take the pressure off performance and focus on the love. (I'm not sure exactly but I think that was the idea)

Assuming there is no reason for mechanical failure, eg side effect of pills, you really should talk together about any stress or emotional reason for the change. You should definitely reassure him that this is a temporary setback and not the rest of his life, and that you still love him and find him sexy even if that's a total lie

As a quick fix, to avoid the I-took-the-Viagra-now-so-get-yer-legs-open problem, perhaps he could use a suction pump thingy for a more immediate effect. Ask your doctor about it.

And if he can't satisfy you with his cock, maybe sex toys would help you to get more enjoyment. Owt's better than nowt.

He needs to have his testosterone levels checked.

No advice.on the relationship side of things but just on a mechanical level,, has he tried a cock ring?. If he can at least manage to get hard a cock ring should keep it that way and delay ejaculation

Porn overuse/addiction was my first thought too.

Wow. The lack of compassion from some posters is overwhelming, and the degree of inaccuracy and assumptions is even greater. When is it ever okay to exhibit repulsion about someone's physical or mental disabilities? Especially about the person you're supposed to cherish?
ED affects more than half of men over 40.
Just like menopause, it affects both partners.
Too often people ignore/don't seek help for either condition due to shame or embarrassment.
ED has a number of causes but all of them involve the loss of blood flow to the penis.
PIED (porn-induced erectile dysfunction) is characterized by taking a very long time to ejaculate or failing to ejaculate at all.

Your husband is 44. You said "He struggles to get it up, then comes before it’s even had a chance to get hard."
Classic ED symptoms; he's finishing too quickly, which is not a sign of PIED. You also said you sometimes watch porn together and aren't bothered by it. Some posters need to realize that, at least in this case, porn really has no place in the discussion. He's apparently concerned enough to put aside humiliation and talk to you and his doctor about the problem and is willing to take Viagra. I'm not sure what else he can do other than try a different medication.

As for spontaneity and disgust, it's sad that someone he's been with since he was 28 is making him feel worse about himself. There's more than one way to enjoy sex, and the closeness that trust and intimacy bring is a large part of a loving relationship. I'm sorry that both of you are going through this. Maybe it would help to review your marriage vows, as you seem to have forgotten a couple.

Good luck, and I truly mean that.

www.edcure.org/understanding-ed/

I absolutely adore him, and wouldn’t ever openly show disgust or repulsion to him, but I can’t help how I feel about it. I have not mentioned those words outside of MN, but we have spoken about the vicious circle it seems to turn into. Me feeling unfulfilled, and wanting it less and less, him probably stressing more about it which in turn probably makes it harder (or not!) I absolutely want to work on this, we have a great marriage otherwise, he’s caring, honest, a fantastic father, helps around at home, I still find him sexually attractive, probably more so as he’s got older.

I genuinely believe he’s not addicted to porn, but I’ll speak to him about it and see what he has to say. What would suffice as someone addicted to porn? Someone who uses it every time to get off? He often comments that he uses a photo of me when he does masturbate, so I’m sure he’s not using porn every time. Given our open conversations about porn and use of it together, I don’t think he’d have a reason to lie about it?

I think a proper check over at the Drs is a good idea, he had an operation last year (double hernia) and has also had issues with vasectomy scarring. All of which could maybe cause issues? I’ll ask him to go back and have a proper check over and not just be palmed off with pills.

Thank you for all your help, and suggestions. Will report back later after we’ve had a chat 💓

I think it’s jumping the gun to blame it on porn. He’s not a young man anymore. He’s been through so surgeries down there. There is a likelihood that the issue is at least partially physical. My DH is 40. His sexual performance has really dipped the past year (from three times a day, three times in a row sometimes even) to once every few days. There is an element of stress (although that has always been there) to it but he’s in fantastic shape-better than he was five years ago. For him it seems to be a slight hormonal change which makes its harder for him to get in the mood despite stress.

So did these problems begin after his hernia surgery?

@CookieDeal Not immediately no. I looked online and it said that it’s unlikely to cause issues but at the time he did have swelling and bruising of his tackle so who knows?

He often comments that he uses a photo of me when he does masturbate, so I’m sure he’s not using porn every time. Given our open conversations about porn and use of it together, I don’t think he’d have a reason to lie about it?

He has some serious issues meaning he cannot orgasm with you. I would presume he is lying out of embarrassment?

Assuming he has told the GP everything and has been thoroughly checked, I would assume it’s stress. And that HE has to do something about it.
My question is:
Has he tried to reduce his stress?

Because telling you it’s your fault for not trying harder when he hasn’t acted on the GP diagnosis isn’t acceptable

What about a sex counsellor to break the cycle?

@BogglesGoggles it’s good to know you’ve been through something similar. Has your husband reacted similarly by lashing out and saying it’s your fault?

@fedup21 Where did I say he couldn’t orgasm with me? He always does, but it happens before he gets hard or he gets hard and then it goes but he still comes? I thought that was clear in the OP?

I would be
looking for an organic cause for his ED before worrying about stress.

@Instagrrr we’ve not really discussed it the way you have. It’s been an exercise in patience on both parts coming to terms with our mismatched drives. It’s been more of a case of him making a special effort when he sees my need and me being understanding when I see his difficulty. We’ve also learned to seize the opportunity (although we’ve always been pretty good at that ) but he’s become more confident in waking me when he is in the mood and I am asleep and I’ve come to value sex over sleep (well most of the time anyway). I think that this may have been a bit easier for us to navigate for two reasons. Firstly we’ve had to do it the other way around in the period immediately after the birth of our children so we both have a fairly recent perspective of what the other party is feeling. Secondly, we have a fairly large age gap so it was always expected that his libido would wane first. It means that neither of us expects the other to match us and we are not in competition with each other. Approaching it with a sense of humour also helps.

*nust to add he’s never blamed me. He makes jokes about me brings horny teenager (don’t worry I’m not actually a teenager) but neither of us gets the blame. It just is what it is and we have no choice but to accept and adjust.

I agree that it might not be all about porn (despite what some sould say)
Equally i want to disagree with those that say its his problem, he should fix it. In the same way as women might struggle and need support with getting ready for sex, we should support our partners. I feel those responses would be very different if it was a man coming in stating his woman wasnt able to have sex for whatever reason, the advice would be on going slow, being supportive and lubes etc

I (female) have certainly had a cycle where i was struggling, then the fear of struggling and worrying/ feeling pressure (my own internal pressure!) meant it was a self fulfilling prophecy. For me i had to find a way to be in the moment and not worrying about preforming etc which wasnt as simple as telling myself to stop worrying

I agree to those saying possibly about counselling or just some unloaded conversations to talk about it, it sounds positive that hes gone to his gp and spoken to you already.

Apologies, OP-I got mixed up with the other thread that had a similar theme to this. Sorry.

There seems to be a genuine lack of understanding here from a lot of the posters and I think @Scott72 is closer to the truth than you think.
Even though you have said that you would never let him know you are disgusted, I bet he gets a vibe and is disgusted with himself. And guess what? Pressure to perform and expectation that his election will appear on cue, when it’s convenient is pressure to perform.
There seems this idea that if a man can’t get it up and maintain it, it’s just gotta be the porn. Well, he’s already said he’s stressed, and let me tell you when I’m stressed a wank works because I don’t have to perform, but sex wouldn’t. That doesn’t mean I can’t get in the mood with touching/kissing/cuddling etc.

I agree it doesn’t have to be about porn.
I also agree that it has to be approached as team work rather than being disgusted/putting pressure etc...

However, he does need to do something about it (if he knows it’s stress as the GP said, then he needs to address that stress, eg by exercising, doing some meditation, going walking the woods, whatever) and he can’t lay the blame at the feet of the OP by saying she just needs to make more of an effort.

OP, was reading yesterday as my situation is much the same. Did you have a chat?

We sat and had a chat last night about it. He apologised about what he’d said and agreed it was out of order and that he was lashing out about the situation. He says that me visibly not being fussed or bothered makes him feel worse about it all.

I asked him about porn, he said he uses it but can take or leave either way which has been the same since before we even met, he’s said he’s not watching any more, if anything less (he’s struggling with masturbating too because of the erection issues)

He’s going to book a doctors appointment, and not let them fob him off.

Going to look into the sexual counselling, or at least look into something we can do in the meantime to get out of the circle of not wanting any then being disappointed.