Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SO Absolutely useless

44 replies

helloandthankyou · 23/06/2019 19:20

Hey guys!

Bit of a rant here; perhaps I'm just exhausted but lets see what you think...

I met a nice boyfriend when I was 25 and he was really great. He made me laugh, cooked for me, was an architect, parents loved him, wore smart clothes, knew how to handle finances.. he basically looked after me really well but he was almost asexual. We had no chemistry and never kissed or had sex. I knew I wanted children so I left.

Fast forward a few years, I'm now 31 and met my current partner a year and a half ago. We have a little boy together but I am my absolute wits end with how much he cannot do. Today was the last straw as he decided to head to the pub after work.

He doesn't cook me anything, he doesn't clean, he doesn't know how to deal with finance (he's had over £5,000 worth of parking and speeding charges in the last year) he constantly loses his debit card and misplaces his phone. He's been out all night a couple of times and left me to look after our baby. He can't remember things so I end up having to remind him of everything. He can't get his head around any sort of legal documents (we are buying a house together and I have had to sort out the whole process) I have to get angry with him to take the bins out or put the washing away (if he does a wash it's only ever his own clothes that he does - not mine or our babies)

I am really despairing. He is a lovely father and loves his son but I cannot cope with looking after a baby AND an adult. He wants more children but I am thinking about leaving him as the amount of things I have to do is utterly exhausting. He tries his best but I hold the fort all day long and I do the evenings as well so I am up at midnight, 3am and 4am.

He also wants to get a dog.

Has anyone else ever had regrets about the path they have taken? Can I rectify this or am I wasting my time and energy? I don't have any family support as my family don't like him. I am exasperated.

Thanks

OP posts:
thinkingcapon · 23/06/2019 19:23

God this is a tricky one.....I don't mean to put the boot in further by why did you have a child with him?! Was he always like this?!

gamerchick · 23/06/2019 19:25

Are you wanting to go back to the first guy? Im not sure why you've mentioned him.

Definitely don't get a dog or have another baby with this person. It sounds as if you would do better without him tbh.

But in the meantime, don't add to your workload thinking things will improve because they won't.

rosabug · 23/06/2019 19:33

When he does a wash - he only does his own - not yours and the babies?? Small but significant. £5000 of parking charges!!! - eekkk. Not small and certainly not insignificant. This isn't going to end well. I'm 58 and been there done that and I'll tell you something I wish I had known at your age: The limits of love. Love DOES NOT cure all. It cures fuck all tbh. If the basic building blocks aren't there (respect, self-awareness, empathy, responsibility etc etc) - they aren't there - and it won't get better. He'll drive you batshit crazy. Batshit.

burnyburny · 23/06/2019 19:37

You won't change him. He sounds like a child. Wants a dolly, wants a puppy. Get rid before your son is learning from this loser.

Original poster
helloandthankyou · 23/06/2019 19:39

Thanks for your replies.

I was single, turned 30 and pressed the panic button.

Please don’t judge me I was terrified that he was my last chance to have a family.

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 23/06/2019 19:41

@helloandthankyou do you want to be with him?
You're very complimentary about the ex but not your current partner.

You don't have to stay just because you have a child x

EKGEMS · 23/06/2019 19:42

Does he have a learning disability like dyslexia or is he unable to read? Does he have ADHD? I know it doesn't excuse doing zero chores and running to the pub!

TeaForTheWin · 23/06/2019 19:44

I say stop thinking about the what might have beens and worry more about rectifying what is. Partner is useless, time to move. Certainly don't be getting a dog let alone having any more kids with this man. If you are seriously considering staying with him then he needs to sort his shit out and consistently, before other serious commitments. But if it were me, I'd leave him. Easier to be single mum to one than two afterall.

PonderingPanda · 23/06/2019 19:46

Really think you need to put a stop to buying a house together. You really don't want to be financially linked to him.

Original poster
helloandthankyou · 23/06/2019 19:48

I’m not sure. He struggles to focus on anything. Perhaps he does have mild ADHD.

I am very complimentary about my ex now but at the time I used to put him down too. My friends used to say we weren’t right together and that he was bad for me and I listened to them.

I didn’t know what I wanted. And now I do I feel like it’s too late.

Perhaps it’s me; I just panic and pick people???

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 23/06/2019 19:49

fuck that OP, I'd make plans to get out now and secure your own future for you and your baby, get rid of this Man Child for your own sanity. Flowers

thinkingcapon · 23/06/2019 19:52

No judgement here at all unless you stay with him. This is no way to live! You don't owe your child anything by staying with this "man" x

Boysey45 · 23/06/2019 19:52

Has he got drug/alcohol problems? It sounds like theres more going on here than just being a lazy bastard.
I'd leave him , don't buy a house with him for gods sake. Your going to have a breakdown if you continue with him like this.

InezInez · 23/06/2019 19:57

Forget about the ex.

I would get into therapy or counselling or something ASAP with your current husband and try to get things in order. Do you love him? Despite his flaws, do you want to be with him? I don't know, I think some of this is just growing pains and there may be hope for him yet and some honest conversations with the help of a therapist can help sort out your issues. My husband used to be a disaster (financially, Drinking, partying, sloppy around the house, etc.,) but now 7 years later we have 3 kids and he has really matured. He is a real man now and takes care of things and gets shit done. I had my doubts but I think sometimes men just need a kick in the butt to grow up.

Betty777 · 23/06/2019 19:58

Put a hold on buying the house. Tell him why. If you love him, give him some time (6 months?) to see if he changes anything.

If he doesn't make any effort to, or to talk to you about what might be wrong, then he doesn't particularly respect you. So please then leave.

I have useless friends like this I have known for 30 years. I love them dearly but would NEVER enter into a financial relationship with them. If you leave now on decent enough terms there's no reason your DC can't have a loving relationship with his dad, but you won't respect or be attracted to someone you have to parent

Original poster
helloandthankyou · 23/06/2019 20:33

Hi all, thank you again for your replies.

Just to put things into perspective; I had a very stressful home life growing up with a Mum with mental health problems. My relationships have also been a way of escaping the horrendous arguments at home. Not the best reason to get into a relationship, I know.

He doesn’t have drug or alcohol problems. He pays all the bills currently including the rent, gas, electric and food shopping. So in that respect; he is resourceful and generous.

@InezInez can I ask how long it took for this change to happen and how old your husband was when you started the process? My partner is a month younger than me. I know it’s a generalisation to say that men are ‘useless until they’re 33’ but actually I’m kind of hoping that it’s true and we will turn a corner when he reaches a certain age.

I know you can’t change a person and I do love my SO; he is kind and caring and affectionate. He just can’t get his shit together.

OP posts:
Happinessbegins · 23/06/2019 20:37

People can mature and become more sensible as they get older but he is already early 30s with a partner and child. It’s not as if he’s a student. You could have a lay it on the line conversation where you tell him you have had enough. Does he care enough to change?

thenightsky · 23/06/2019 20:38

Does he have a learning disability like dyslexia

My DH has severe dyslexia and he manages to put the washing on, do as much housework as me, cook his fair share of dinners, pay bills and earn good money.

Unburnished · 23/06/2019 20:39

Oh god no. End it for both your sakes. Alliw him access to his child but make it supervised as it doesnt sound as if he’s capable of looking after himself, let alone anyone else.

You panicked and made a mistake, end it with him, get your family back on side and start to rebuild a rewarding and fulfilling life with someone worth your time and effort.

The guilt will be hard I know but still ...

breakfastpizza · 23/06/2019 20:39

He isn't a lovely husband and father. Lovely husbands and fathers don't treat the mothers of their children like shit.

Now that we've clarified that, do you want to spend the rest of your life with a shit husband and father? You deserve better and your son deserves a better role model.

Original poster
helloandthankyou · 23/06/2019 20:51

I just tried to have a conversation with him; he was very defensive and started pointing out my own flaws.

I said I am concerned about buying a house together and he said ‘don’t do it then, go get support from the government and get a council house’.

He got into bed and sulked and now won’t respond.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 23/06/2019 20:57

and that is how he will respond to you always OP.

Proteinshakesandtears · 23/06/2019 21:00

What's your financial situation?

The house tenancy in joint names?

InezInez · 23/06/2019 21:35

@helloandthankyou
We met when I was 24 and he was 29. We got married 5 years later and had our first child almost immediately after. So I would say he was 32/33 when he really got his act together. I think a big factor was that his brother who is very close to and all of their friends got married and started having children around this same time as well. So the partying died down, all of a sudden everyone was busy with the house/kids/jobs and their priorities just changed. I still basically tell him what to do, and I manage our finances (set up auto payments for bills, negotiate mortgage rates, stuff like that) but we have found a partnership and kind of routine that works for us I guess. So another thing for you to think about is who is he being influenced by? Does he have role models? Do his friends bring him down or will they help him mature? It makes a big difference.

InezInez · 23/06/2019 21:39

So funny you mention losing phones and debit cards lol... this is my SO to a T! He actually is better now but I swear he went through about 5 or 6 iPhones and blackberries back in the day and also lost his bank cards at least every few months. I don't know what the cure is for that but he's better now!! I'll have to ask him why he stopped losing/smashing them lol.

Swipe left for the next trending thread