SO Absolutely useless

[helloandthankyou]

Hey guys!

Bit of a rant here; perhaps I'm just exhausted but lets see what you think...

I met a nice boyfriend when I was 25 and he was really great. He made me laugh, cooked for me, was an architect, parents loved him, wore smart clothes, knew how to handle finances.. he basically looked after me really well but he was almost asexual. We had no chemistry and never kissed or had sex. I knew I wanted children so I left.

Fast forward a few years, I'm now 31 and met my current partner a year and a half ago. We have a little boy together but I am my absolute wits end with how much he cannot do. Today was the last straw as he decided to head to the pub after work.

He doesn't cook me anything, he doesn't clean, he doesn't know how to deal with finance (he's had over £5,000 worth of parking and speeding charges in the last year) he constantly loses his debit card and misplaces his phone. He's been out all night a couple of times and left me to look after our baby. He can't remember things so I end up having to remind him of everything. He can't get his head around any sort of legal documents (we are buying a house together and I have had to sort out the whole process) I have to get angry with him to take the bins out or put the washing away (if he does a wash it's only ever his own clothes that he does - not mine or our babies)

I am really despairing. He is a lovely father and loves his son but I cannot cope with looking after a baby AND an adult. He wants more children but I am thinking about leaving him as the amount of things I have to do is utterly exhausting. He tries his best but I hold the fort all day long and I do the evenings as well so I am up at midnight, 3am and 4am.

He also wants to get a dog.

Has anyone else ever had regrets about the path they have taken? Can I rectify this or am I wasting my time and energy? I don't have any family support as my family don't like him. I am exasperated.

Thanks

@InezInez perhaps he read ‘how to get your shit together’!!

It reads that anyone who loses their keys, wallet or phone is just not getting it together. They are the three major things in your life - the keys to your HOME, the gateway to all your contacts and social events etc and your way to pay for food....

We are on a joint tenancy. He’s calmed down now and started talking to me. But I still feel like I’m talking to a 15 year old. He says that once I get something into my head he can’t change my mind. Well, no shit!

You don't change your mind because he hasn't given you reason too

5k in driving fines ! What is the impact of him getting banned from driving ?

Do not get a dog

I would have a serious think before buying a property with him

Next time he loses something, don't help him. He needs to find the solutions whether that is insurance, spare keys etc

He sounds exhausting. How has he managed to live until now ? Without any major catastrophy ?

We have a ‘date’ meeting once a week to discuss finances, bills, family plans etc.
This is over lunch or dinner and we both know it is ‘date’ meal and family admin will be discussed.
Maybe use something like this to get his head around family finances and admin.
Pay the bills together, look at and discuss finances, jobs, child care holidays etc, this will give him an idea on what is required for family admin.
Do the shopping together so he knows what things cost.
Do a chore chart together and decide, together, who will do what jobs around the house and how frequently.
It sounds as though he just does not know what is involved in running a home and family.

I don't think people ever really change that much. So do you want to spend the rest if your life caring for a man child OP?

I'm not surprised your family don't like him. He sounds incredibly selfish and feeble. I can only assume you stay because he's wonderful in bed, but it seems unlikely.

It's definitely time to stop enabling him. It's completely unfair that he will cook for himself or wash his own clothes, but won't do those things for you. Does he feel that his financial input to the household is instead of having to do housework? If he doesn't want to do these things, as money is clearly not short, why doesn't he pay someone to help you?

In your position I would tell him he has six months to pull his socks up and become an adult, or you will find somewhere else to live. Tell him you need a man, not a sulky teenager.

Cancel the house purchase and do not get a dog or get pregnant again. He's not fulfilling the responsibilities he already has, let alone adding more.

Make clear and measurable requests. And if he agreed to do something and doesn't do it, don't remind him or do it yourself with a sigh, leave it undone if at all possible. If he comes to you with a problem, don't solve it - sympathise and ask him what he's going to do to solve it.

Don't buy a house with him. Don't get a dog. Get your affairs in order and leave him. As quickly as possible.

5k is too much money to loose out of family budget on driving related issues
How long would it take you to save 5k ?
What are you going without to sacrifice 5k ?

Parking fines
Buy a ticket
Display ticket correctly
Keep an eye on time

Speeding
Pay attention to speed limits
Pay attention full stop

Parking fines & speeding are both easily avoidable !
Ask him why he repeatedly has issues & is not learning from his mistakes
I'm surprised he has not been called to attend a speed awareness course with the police

Hello!

I’m sure he has been on a speed awareness course before we met. I pleaded with him last night to set up a direct debit to TFL so that he’s covered if he drives into London. He said he wouldn’t be driving into London anymore. But what’s the point in NOT being set up? There’s nothing to lose in being covered. I just don’t understand how he sees the world. He would rather argue the point than take 3 minutes to do something that could save money in the future.

Perhaps he’s incredibly spoilt? Maybe his Mum did everything for him and as a result he has no idea how to function in normal society?

Perhaps I have no self respect for taking this on?

I feel awful for my baby.

After speaking to a friend and realising something...

All of my boyfriends have been younger in age or immature so it’s a problem that I have too. That’s why I can’t find a balanced relationship.

OP, it’s not the fact that your BFs are younger, it’s the fact that this particular BF is an overgrown child who wants a mummy.

Don’t fgs buy a house with this man. Due to complexed circumstances I’m still financially tied to a man who is deeply irrisponsible with money. I no longer live with him and I’m responsible with my own finances but I know at any time he could pull the rug from under me by defaulting on his responsibilities. It keeps me up at night. Spare yourself the worry and stop the house purchase.

Quite apart from him being lazy and losing things, what is it you think you can change about a person who refuses to learn from avoidable mistakes that cost him personally? In my experience, which is more extensive than I’d like, you can’t change anything. For someone to change it has to be driven by them, and you could be waiting a lifetime for them to come to that realisation. at the cost of hindsight I strongly advise you not to go there, or it’ll be you on here in a few years writing what I’m writing now.

If you really don’t want to finish with him then at least protect yourself. Don’t buy the house, please don’t do that. You can always try again later if he miraculously becomes responsible and domesticated. Absolutely make sure you protect yourself from pregnancy. Make him use condoms as well to make double sure. You don’t want three children to parent. Don’t pick up after him, cook special meals for him, do his washing unless he shows willing to help out, and make sure you put any money you can away for yourself, in a seperate bank account that he can’t access. Preferably don’t even tell him about it. Don’t get a dog ffs, that’s just stupid. Don’t even tell him he can have one as long as he feeds it and walks it etc. becaYou know he won’t, and dogs are constant work and they’re expensive. Vacuuming up after them is work enough, and that’s before you factor in all the other little things involved in owning a dog.

You’re only 31 OP, you’re still young, younger than you think. You’ve got plenty of time to start again as a single woman. The longer you stay in a shitty relationship the longer it’ll take you to get out, then longer still to get your life back on track. I left an awful 13 year relationship at 31 and I’m only just emotionally recovering at 37, but financially I’m still not free. Healthy relationships aren’t forged out of panic, so sort yourself out now and get yourself straight. Better to have one child and spend the rest of your life in a happy relationship than tie yourself tighter into a miserable relationship with joint finances and more kids.

Sorry OP, that’s the size of it I’m afraid. You really can’t change people, no matter how hard you wish.

Do not buy a house with someone who manages to rack up £5k of fines!
From the rest of your post he sounds horrendous, leave him and get your family support back.

Dear OP, I have read your full thread and I would advise you (as a nearly 50 year old) that you are still so young and have all your life ahead of you so make the decision to start afresh to-day. Since I was 31 I have moved home 6 times, had 3 DC, changed career, made all of my close friends, etc etc - so although you feel old, you are not.

That is why it is so important now for you to make the right choice and I am afraid the choice is to stay as you are (your DP will never change) or to move on alone. Whatever you decide, do not buy a house with this man.

Don't buy a dog. Make this very clear to him - refuse outright and vehemently, multiple times so that he does not think you are just a bit grumpy. If not he will come home one day with a dog and then you will be left looking after that, too - possibly on your own.

Obviusly don't buy a house either.

My exh will be 50 this year and regularly gets speeding and parking fines as he always thinks he will get away with it. When he doesn't he is the poor victim of fate / unfair parking authorities / stupid speed regulations. It doesn't get better with age. I am happy that I now no longer have to share his fines, listen to his "poor me" stories or stay quiet while he tells lies to get out of situations he has brought upon himself.

You asked him to do something eg set up parking charge
So you have your answer
A simple solution, that he refused to do

DO NOT BUY HOUSE with this man !

Do not buy a house with this manchild!

And do not get a dog. Poor thing will end up neglected (or you'll then end up looking after a baby, a manchild AND a dog).

I'd leave. Life's too short for that crap.

Sounds like Frank Spencer.
Can you write down for him what he needs to do and spell everything out? I'd do this as a last ditch attempt and if he still wont do things then I'd leave him and get a property by myself.
It sounds like you would be better off without this man OP.He sounds pathetic, has his Mum done everything for him before you married?

Things you can do now so you feel less exhausted:

1. Pull out of the house purchase
2. Double up on contraception
3. Make sure he realises that £420 per month has gone on his speeding fines this year, so you'll need to budget for that in the future. Good reason not to get a dog... (Apart from the many other reasons!)
4. Stop reminding him of stuff. As a PP said, when he comes to you with a problem, ask him what he's planning to do.

Please don't buy a house with him. I predict you'll be pulling your hair out in frustration.

Can you buy on your own? If you buy with him you'll be doing everything on your own and paying for it too.