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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he controlling?

36 replies

user2348 · 23/06/2019 07:25

Hello,
Think there's great advice on this forum - so thought I'd share my current experience and ask for opinions.
My last boyfriend never made me feel special/didn't give me hardly any attention - so it's confusing me, as this is the opposite extreme.
I met a guy on holiday two weeks ago. He was full on from the word go, being overly-attentive, and apparently incredibly into me. But he's fun and kind and it was refreshing to find a man who knows what he wants. However, I felt it was quite overbearing and told him to back off several times - we had a few arguments about this, and he said he's just being himself and thinks I'm 'amazing.
Got home and he starts calling me every day, texting wanting to know I'm home ok, wanting to see me - so I arrange a date and say let's just see how it goes now we are at home. We went on a nice date, and then he stayed for two days - I was going to meet a friend the next night but he said he'd just wait for me to come home and I should enjoy myself.
Since he left he's been sending messages (albeit maybe drunken as he was on a night out) saying he thinks I'm the "ONE" and I give him hope and he's got very strong feelings and he loves me.
I am feeling a bit scared. He's a policeman - so I don't think he's crazy, but I am feeling he's needy and wants more from me than I can give at this stage. He's saying he'll give me everything.
I feel I should end it now as these are red flags for me having had a v controlling boyfriend about 10 years ago. Or can this ever be normal?! I do not believe he can love me after this time. But now I'm scared to end it as I feel he already emotionally depends on me in some way. I can't seem to find a balance with a normal guy who's attentive but lets it grow naturally...or should I give him benefit of doubt as he's super attentive and at the same time obviously makes me feel special. My gut when I saw the message saying he loves me made me want to run though...particularly when I've said so many times to go slower.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 23/06/2019 07:26

Red flags all round here!
Ghost him.

Dogladyxo · 23/06/2019 07:28

Run

cordeliavorkosigan · 23/06/2019 07:29

Hill walking is great. Run for the hills.

cordeliavorkosigan · 23/06/2019 07:29

And google future faking!

RonnieScotts · 23/06/2019 07:30

Google 'love bombing' and then run like your tampon string is on fire

Scarlettmaid · 23/06/2019 07:35

Sounds like love bombing. He can't be "emotionally dependent" on you in two weeks, and even if he were, all the more reason to call it a day. You are already anxious enough to come for advice. At this stage of a new relationship you shouldn't feel like this.

SavoyCabbage · 23/06/2019 07:37

Being a policeman is no measure of good character.

I can understand why you are feeling conflicted because he’s not being mean to you and he’s giving you lots of attention but it is way over the top. Your instinct is telling you it’s not a good thing and it’s right.

Who does he think he is telling you to go out and enjoy yourself with your own friends!

Pearlfish · 23/06/2019 07:37

After two weeks?!? He's a nutcase!

Original poster
user2348 · 23/06/2019 07:38

Yes I know, red flags - but I'm a bit scared now - what if he goes nuts? He knows where I live and it's v near where he works. He seemed normal albeit just too keen at first, but now....

OP posts:
Original poster
user2348 · 23/06/2019 07:38

And he ignores all my warnings to slow down and go at a normal pace.

OP posts:
Original poster
user2348 · 23/06/2019 07:40

I'm going to google 'love bombing'! But it def sounds like this. I left him in my house while I was out for hours.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 23/06/2019 07:42

Some policemen are lovely, and join the force out of a spirit of public service. Some ... not so much. Some are control freaks with a nasty streak and I fear your chap may be of the latter persuasion.
I’d pull the plug now, as it will get progressively harder, with more potential repercussions, the longer you wait.

Original poster
user2348 · 23/06/2019 07:43

He's left stuff here too - so I'll have to see him

OP posts:
Cherry111 · 23/06/2019 07:46

This happened to me, it is definitely love bombing! If he was so amazing he would have respected your wishes to slow down and take it easy. The fact he's ignoring your feelings shows he's not giving a toss. I'd make a break now. Lie if you need to, say he's too wonderful and you don't feel good enough or ready to be in a relationship and he deserves better, make it all about how great he is then he might not get as pissed off. But yes, get out now x

Scarlettmaid · 23/06/2019 07:49

Box his stuff, ready near the front door. You don't want to be drawn into a conversation. If you want to end it, he has to respect it. You shouldn't have to be scared of his reaction.

Original poster
user2348 · 23/06/2019 07:55

Hoping I don't have a stalker on my hands now to be honest!

OP posts:
GileadWivesAreFashionIcons · 23/06/2019 07:57

I couldn’t even finish your OP because I found it exhausting just reading it!!

It’s. Been. Two. Weeks. RUUUUUUUNNNN!!!!

Original poster
user2348 · 23/06/2019 08:00

Where are the normal men?! Argh!

OP posts:
Gummybear11 · 23/06/2019 08:03

He's love bombing you. Run.

Gummybear11 · 23/06/2019 08:06

Google 'Narcissistic abuser' x

blackcat86 · 23/06/2019 08:08

Being a policeman is no measure of decency or not being 'crazy'. An ex old friend is what sounds like quite a controlling marriage. He criticises her weight, controls all the money, constantly talks about her looks (like she has no other good qualities) and guess what, he's a policeman. He actually did a very similar thing and convinced her to marry him quickly because his mum was terminal and wanted to see him married. Dont become that girl, run now! I know you're struggling to find decent guys but you've done better than many spotting this behaviour early.

Original poster
user2348 · 23/06/2019 08:18

Yes I've had this behaviour before so I can spot it...and he turned into a stalker. I am quite worried about stopping it and how he will be but I know this isn't good or normal. I don't understand why he would be SO full on when I've told him it scares me too.

OP posts:
Original poster
user2348 · 23/06/2019 08:19

I was trying to give benefit of the doubt as we get on so well - but he's seeming so needy of me and making small demands already and that's not good. He told me he thinks I might be 'too independent'.

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 23/06/2019 08:27

😮 Too independent! What a twat.

Good on you for spotting the signs so quickly.

It might be enough to use that independence he’s so wary of. Go on a weekend away next week alone to a city you’ve always wanted to go to to demonstrate the independence and to be away from him.

I’m not usually one for lying and complicating situations like this and obviously you shouldn’t have to lie to someone you’ve known for a fortnight but I think I’d consider it now. Telling him you’ve reunited with an ex.

SweetJasmine17 · 23/06/2019 08:37

@user2348

If you're worried about ending it that tells you all you need to know.

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