How long before i start feeling better after cheating?

[Closure]

So my ex was cheating. He ended things 4 weeks ago and said there was no one else. I caught him out on friday. We've been in contact and very randomly he brought up that his restaurant was extremely busy this weekend and hit didn't make sense after fathers day. I got a familiar feeling that all wasn't quite right. I rang the restaurant and pretended to be a difficult customer who wasn't sure what time they wanted to book a table. Every day they had lots of availability.

I asked if the main chef would be there as it didnt want to travel so far, if not. They said he was in scotland this weekend but id be in safe hands with the very good chef

I texted my ex and called him a liar and that i knew he was in scotland. He rang back and said yes he was in scotland and yes he was with someone. That they'd only been together 2 weeks after the split etc.
He was in a place of the country that had always been our place.
I gave him some sex tips given that she was in for a shit shag.

I now cant stop my brain going over everything. All the times i had that awful feeling. Like he wanted new suits. I suggested a navy one. He got one. Brought it home to show me, but was weird and then had to leave early. euckkk

together 12years. he worked away. No kids but he raised my two ds from a young age. They're now 17 and 18.

I dont focus on him. he wasnt worth it. How can i get my brain to stop unpicking all the past memories....and is that normal?
Will I get over this?
What happens if i never meet anyone again and the memory of this is the last i'll have of a relationship?

Ive got so many questions spurring around in my head? I feel like im going insane?
CAn someone tell me its going to be ok please, that i will get over this and I will have a happy ending

Ive got brilliant friends and family, two wonderful sons, two great dogs, a great job. I recently had a text from a mechanic after i had taken my car in asking if my car was still ok and then texted..ps 'i think your beautiful'. Im seeing a counsellor

I have everything going for me....so why is my head stuck?

Cheating goes on everyday....and he's a tosser. So why am i stuck?

Hi I didn't want to leave you in pain as its early in the morning in many places, lots of people will be along soon.

I would ask yourself two things. Do you think a man who can cheat, then say it won't happen again, then does it again but so cleverly, to the point you had to ring the restaurant as a pretend customer, wouldn't have any problems cheating again? He got caught the first time so now he's hiding it better. Next time he will hide it even better. Can you respect and love a man like that, trust him, care for him in the same way ever again? This could cause a really toxic relationship. Leading on to the next question about trust. Will you not be constantly driven half mad looking for signs of him doing it again? It isn't worth it.

As for your future, yes you will meet someone else. Why wouldn't you? You're not in your 90s im guessing? You have sooooo many years and so much life ahead of you. And even if you didn't meet someone else, it's better surely than this sack of shite man? You are your own best company so you need to, at the moment, look after you. Get to know yourself without this chain around your neck. Heal, treat yourself. Find who and what you want to be. Then when you love yourself, you will meet the right man.

I hope this helps as I don't have children and haven't been cheated on. But I have been in abusive relationships. Where I was made to feel I'd never meet anyone, only they would put up with me. Etc. I believed it. It's not true. In your case it's fear of the future. Big changes can cause that. But you have nothing to fear, unless you go back

I'm so so angry.
I feel like a shell
I feel confused

Just read your second post. Your life, other than this man, is wonderful as you said.

Your head is stuck because it's kind of like grief in a way. The person you thought you knew isn't there anymore. Also the betrayal, especially cheating, I would imagine really knocks your self esteem. You're just coming to terms with it that's all. There isn't anything wrong with you because you feel so bad in an otherwise wonderful life. It's normal and it's sadly a process you have to go through to come out the other end stronger and happier. And you will. And hey, already you have a man telling you you're beautiful! You'll be just fine. I promise. This is normal. And you will meet someone when you're healed and ready!

Anger, loss of self (feeling like a shell) and confusion it's all normal. It sounds like you're stressed about why you feel these things. Don't be. They are normal feelings in your circumstances but it will fade. In time you will look back and be glad to be rid of such a horrible man, you will be stronger and wiser. Just right now you have these feelings which are normal. Try to relax and accept that you'll feel all sorts of awful things for a while, but that it will eventually pass and you'll be better for it. With the world at your feet and a chance for real happiness with a real man

I have read and reread your OP and can't see where you're ex was 'cheating'. You say that you split up 4 weeks ago . He says that they got together 2 weeks after the split. Have I missed a bit where he was cheating on you when you were together ? If so I'm sorry - or is it that you don't believe that he got together with this new person 2 weeks after - but whilst with you ?

It's really really hard moving on from a long relationship especially when it's not your choice- however I am not sure you need to focus on wether he cheated or not. Ultimately he has done what everyone always says - there is no need for cheating, if you are not happy in a relationship then end it. Then you can move on. Not excusable to dupe your partner. He has actually done this. The reason he didn't tell you could be a mixture of reasons amongst them are - it's none of your business if he is seeing anyone. You are no longer in a relationship. He could also be trying to protect your feelings by not mentioning a new gf .

It is really really upsetting and you need to focus on making yourself feel better rather than looking to blame anyone for the end of a relationship. It won't help you and will in fact just make you feel worse.

I'm so sorry for you Closure. I'm in a very similar situation. I have this horrible cheating ex who has been emotionally abusive for years. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm hysterically crying and angry that he's done this and wishing he was back. Daft I know, its hard accepting that he's changed and he isn't the man I married. He's not sorry either and currently living a cushty little life with his new mates and probably different women almost half his age. I've got 3 amazing kids, a good job, lots of friends yet I'm still absolutely heartbroken and embarrased.

Thanks so much to ladyinparis- thats really great advice and makes me feel hopeful for the future.

Lets hope it gets easier for us Closure- you're not alone x

Thanks for your posts

LadyinParis thank you so much for letting me know this is normal.

All of your advice LadyinParis is spot on xxxxx

and Oh AugustRanger so sorry to hear that your going through this! Its awful how they change. I completely understand what you mean by that. Its made me question if I ever knew him and I'll never know. Dont you dare be embarassed!! but i also understand what you mean about that too, cause I am. We'll get past this xxx

I just want to get through today without being a complete loon and crying

This is perfectly normal.. don’t beat yourself up ...you crave going back to what you knew and liked ( loved )
The thought of change is unsettling..
The unknown of what is next for you ....
It’s emotional , frightening and will be eventually exciting!
Deep down you know you are better off without him but it’s difficult to accept that now as you plow through all these emotions.

Take comfort in the good company of friends and family , keep busy doing all manner of activities and I know it’s frustrating to hear this ... but really it does take time .
In the meantime be kind to yourself...

I wish you well ....

We have all been there ....

When my fiancé did the dirty on me I told myself repeatedly...
get your tin hat on , head down and after you have survived the first year it will start to get easier .,,,

Take care x

V sorry that he lied and cheated, and left you. Shitty behaviour.

Being in contact after a break up is never a good idea IMO (except on any essential practicalities, DC-related matters etc). Quicker to recover with minimal contact.

Thanks Babbi sorry you've been through this and Loopy I know your right about no contact.

I dont ever want to go back to him. I just miss the man i thought he was and theres a little part of me that doesnt want it all to be true.

But I know whats happened. I know hes a completely different person to the one i thought i knew. I know im better off without him.

Im just so angry. What did everybody with the anger? I cant take it out on him or his business or anything.....but its in my gut and Im just so angry

I get that !
I still have surges of anger every so often that just come out of nowhere.

If at an appropriate time I’ll head to the gymn or swimming pool to thrash it out ( this has done wonders for my figure )
If not when these facilities are open my house “ gets it ! - totally attacked “

So should you pop by and I’m looking toned (ish ) with a gleaming home .. it’s been an emotional week !!😬

Classic distraction... I found it essential rather than sitting stewing and getting myself more and more worked up ...

As an aside ...
to deal with the emotional confusion...
I have popped in a mental box the wonderful man he once was ( and he truly was - I’ve known him since I was 5 years old ) and place my happy memories there ...it’s ok from time to time to run through those memories and be grateful for the good times .

However the bad stuff that he eventually did ( and it was shitty beyond belief ) made him version 2 in my mind ...
that’s who exists now and it’s who I would have should I have continued/ go back ...

So I cope by saying “ good guy gone for good the replacement is not an option “

Maybe sounds mad but it works for me ..

I’m sorry I truly know how hard this is ... I wish I could fast track you forward but regret there is no way to do that ...

You will get there though - and it sounds cheesy but I’m so much stronger as a person now ... I’ve been almost broken but survived - you will too ....

Glad to have helped, I just know from any current trauma grows a stronger better version in time. That comes with allowing the normal bad feelings to play out, and let them go. And they will go and life will go on. Lessons will be learned, and there are good men out there when you're both ready. X

Babbi currently working on the house :D Love that you have a toned body and clean house. I'm taking a leaf out of your book....it sounds a very positive one

Ladyinparis i hope there is. How do you let go of the feelings? He's at the same hotel we stayed in at April. Im so angry!! That was our place or so i thought.

Babbi is so right! Despite all the hurt and anger I know I'll be better off. I treaded on eggshells for years even though he was the constantly causing problems, he was abusive, lazy, running up debt and cheating. I didn't find out for sure about the cheating until the end but for me that was it, no going back. Its like some type of midlife crisis for him and I'm embarrased to have him blaming me for all his problems and to have been traded in for a 23 year old (I'm nearly 41). But still, I know he won't change now and the way he's running up debt means he won't be enjoying his new life for too much longer. Me however, without the burden of his 1k a month debts every month is planning a new car and a big family holiday next year. Of course theres going to be bad moments but for me at the moment its planning what I can now do. We've got this ladies - its their loss and one thing I know from experience with my ex is that once he does hit his rock bottom he'll want my support, even just as a 'friend'. Not a chance! Angry and hurt but completely done! 😊

@Closure To be honest, my traumatic experiences have not been resolved fully. As I said earlier I have never been cheated on but I have been betrayed, and in two relationships full of physical and emotional abuse. Amongst other traumatic experiences. So I look at your experience as just a different version of trauma to mine, but trauma all the same. And because I have allowed the trauma to take over my life, it's one long hard battle just to be half normal. I'm very lucky because I met my now fiance who is an amazing man, who has helped me grow, and learn to start to love myself again. And the things I put him through sometimes, because of my mental health issues, I don't know why he would stick around but he has. And he has put up with a lot, to my shame. Which goes to show that if I can meet someone who can love me for who I am, and support me, you will too. As for getting over feelings and hurt I'm not the best person to follow my own advice but here it is anyway; I would say that you need to just let the feelings in, hard as it is, and do what ever you need to do to feel better. Don't fight the feelings. Roll with the wave so to speak, and in time you will heal. My mum commited suicide when I was 13. My nan (her mum) used to tell me "it never goes away but it does get easier". Start from that premise, and from there you will get to a point where it won't mean a thing except you'll be relieved that you didn't end up with this twat for life, and you'll be stronger and wiser. Since he's a cheating bastard and not a daughter who passed away like my nan went through, if she can say it doesn't go away but it does get easier, then it stands to reason that for you, it will go away. Because you'll look back in time when you're healed and be glad for it. Don't do what I have done and deny and dissociate traumatic things. I learned from an early age to dissociate any pain. And that means that instead of dealing with it and moving on, I have let it drag out for years and years. Avoiding it but it's all in the background, grinding me down and breaking me. The most powerful advice I can give, and would give my younger self if I could go back, is to let the pain in. Feel it, hard as it is, process it, don't be hard on yourself if you have a depressive episode or if you just have a bad day. Be easy on yourself. Do nice things that make you feel good. Ask for support from family and friends. Cuddle your animals (we have 3 dwarf rabbits, 2 cockatiels, 2 zebra finch birds and a dog haha they help). Comfort yourself however you need to. Don't ever feel bad if you just want to sit in bed watch crap tv and cry. Remember that you shouldn't feel bad for having horrible feelings, because this was done to you. You didn't ask for it. Someone hurt you terribly and that is on him- this is down to his issues not yours. Down to his insecurity and whatever is wrong with him, not you. Whenever I feel sad I cuddle my teddy (I'm 32 ) have cups of tea and a binge on Netflix. So whatever your routine for down days are, do it. Cut all contact. Any contact won't help in any way; you'll never get closure from people who can betray you with such ease. I have had betrayals and I kept going back like a loyal puppy hoping to understand. Because normal good decent people can't understand bad actions from cruel people. I end up driving myself mad trying to understand why, and get closure. But you'll never understand because you wouldn't ever do what he did. It'll just drag the pain on. I hope my rant helps and I'm sorry if I come across self involved. I'm just trying to draw on my experiences, in order to give the best advice I can think of when it comes to hurt. How are you now? Xx

Oh and the anger; scream. When you're angry let it out and just scream. Into a pillow if need be. It helps with anger I swear by it haha xx

I have not been cheated on (as far as I know) but came out of a bad relationship not that long ago, where I was mistreated and asking myself the same question - when does it get easier? Feeling humiliated and angry.

@Closure it sounds like things can only get better now that this loser is out of your life.

I second what @LadyinParis said...letting anger out is good. If I'm fuming and can't sleep I drive out to the middle of nowhere and scream my lungs out in the car like a madwoman. I've done it until my throat hurts but it is really cathartic. I have also beaten pillows in the past. Imagining the pillow was my ex lol. It sounds violent but it's better than hurting a real person. I think I need a punching bag, too. lol.

@carla1983 I second on the punching bag.. I got one after years of breaking mirrors and other things in pure rage, then calming down and feeling a right twat having to clean up my own destruction Learned my lesson and got a punching bag and started Martial arts. The exercise helps improve mood due to increased dopamine and a couple of other feel good hormones (can't remember right now, tired haha). Also helps exhaust you, which in turn exhausts your anger and your anxiety. That, mixed with the punching things, will improve mood, sleep, anxiety, depression, reduce anger, and also get you out trying new things which feels good too. You'll meet new people and it does take your power back. Imagine his face when you go to a class, on whatever your punching as carla1983 said. That helps! As an aside you'll get fit healthy and end up looking awesome xx

The classes can be hard if you don't exercise. Which sounds bad but it actually ends up making you so tired you can't be arsed feeling sad which is another bonus. I'm from up north in England and you can usually get classes for around 5 or 5 quid an hour. I'm not sure where you live but it's cheap if you're up north. Maybe a couple of quid more if you're in London or somewhere expensive I'm not sure. And boxing and martial arts people are generally really incredibly lovely and helpful, especially if you're new. They also do ladies only classes if you're nervous about it x

What you're experiencing is a loss so you'll be cycling through all the stages of grief, and the process isn't linear and doesn't follow a set path so one day you'll feel angry as hell and hate his guts and then another feel so empty and out of control. This is all completely normal. Let the feelings come and go,. Allow yourself to go through each of the stages..... This lying cheating bastard of a man has caused you a great deal of harm, eventually over time he will become a distant memory and you'll be glad you got rid of his lying ass.

💐

lady thank you for sharing...sounds like youve had one hell of a journey!! So sorry that all happened...
Your a very wise person and i completely understand the
'Wanting to understand them'.

So far im keeping busy. I had a face to face with him yesterday. He says he will provide proof that they only started seeing each other a couple of weeks ago.
I wanted to just look him in the face and examine who this man was with this new perspective.

I asked him all the questions. Which are pointless but i wanted to know.

I wont see him again. He wants to be friends. I wont be friends. Which makes me sad. Then i remember, he isnt the good guy, i thought he was.

Im currently blitzing through the house to keep my mind occupied