Oversharing too early?

[NewDayHasBegun]

Just something I’ve been thinking about. If you don’t know someone all that well and they tell you their big issues really quickly (like date two), is this a red flag? We’re talking big stuff to do with their childhood, abuse etc. Just interested in views - it makes me uncomfortable but can’t articulate why

It took me ten years to tell my husband about my abusive childhood...

It depends. If it's needy or attention seeking then yes it's a red flag. But if it's relevant and worded in an 'I got this' kind of way then it can be useful (although still uncomfortable). Sometimes things that significantly impact relationships have to be disclosed early for everyone's benefit.

It's weird. Red flag. Not appropriate for a second date.

It's not necessarily done intentionally, but it COULD be a ploy to create a kind of false intimacy which makes it hard for you to back away. So they are either pretty needy, or plain manipulative.

I don't know. I'd caution anyone not to let it all out too soon but sometimes people can't help unburdening themselves if they meet someone whom they assess as being kind, sympathetic.

Play it by ear, one day at a time.

I think I'm nervous because i know have form for having a bit of a Florence Nightengale syndrome

Having been raped in the last I wait until I like someone and most importantly trust them and then I tell them. I think its only fair to let them know because it does affect me when it comes to physical intimacy, and then it's up to then if they can handle it or want to walk away. No one has ever walked away. However I would never tell them in the first few dates, I dont want anyone and everyone knowing my business.

If your gut instinct tells you something is off don’t ignore it.

It is a red flag and I'd be wary. The guy I was seeing this year told me about stuff very early on and like you, I'm a rescuer so I accepted things I wouldn't normally have accepted because of his past.

Make sure you have your boundaries and stick to them. It isn't your job to rescue anyone.

I find a lot of guys do this.. even on the first date or even on the first phone call prior to the first date (it's actually rare for me to meet a guy who doesn't!) This included oversharing on loads of things such as emotional wounds on separation from ex, them going no contact with their parents, drug use, having a chronic illness, still being emotionally affected by their parents' divorce 15 years ago etc. I did find it odd initially but seems a lot of them do it. Perhaps it's a comfort thing so it's out of the way early (almost like a disclaimer) but then again, I've found these guys to be dishonest generally about other things so then I'm thinking it might be a "get out of jail" card to excuse all their future bad behaviours and get you to feel sorry for them as 90% of those guys I'm referring to weren't at all "nice" guys (a lot of them players, narcs etc.. not violent or anything though)

It may be something that they've actually got over, or just disassociate themselves from. I tend to make a joke from some of my traumatic experiences. It's my way of coping. I cant change anything, I know other people may find it odd, so it's my way of acknowledging it's happened, that I know people may find it awkward or upsetting, and to try and put them at ease as soon as I can. I'm glad my other half didnt write me off due to my experiences that I had absolutely no control over. I'm no psycho, or abuser, more the other way, to be fair. Just dont write him off purely on his past, but just make sure your happy with his present behaviour

Listen to that gut feeling OP.

I certainly wouldn't trust an early over sharer.

I think it creates a false intimacy, which can be used to manipulate soft hearted people.

Beware.

I think it depends in what way they are saying it and why. I suffer from depression and I usually tell people soon when dating because I think it is something they should know about when considering getting involved. It doesn't mean they need to save me/show lots of compassion/whatever and I think I am very clear about that.

I went out with someone who massively over shared on our first date about his sexually and emotionally abusive childhood, abusive ex wife (she really was, I saw it first hand as she kept it up through our relationship). With hindsight it created a false sense of intimacy and meant I excused all sorts of shitty behaviour from him because, you know, his terrible past. Faced with the same again I wouldn't go on a second date.

I agree here are things that may need to be shared up front, but to me that means early on and not laying all your emotional baggage on someone on the first or second couple of dates.

I agree with listening to your gut foremost.

But in terms of sharing a lot of personal info early, it definitely depends on the motive. Which you may not know until it's 'too late', if not genuine. So, one guy I knew when into great detail on date two about his being bullied at school, which I think was meant as a shortcut to emotional intimacy and feeling empathy on my side without him actually having to reveal too much of his current feelings or intentions, if that makes sense.

On the other hand, my recent ex told me very early about his horrific experiences in his war torn country of origin. It was just a huge formative part of him and he wanted me to understand his history. He wasn't perfect in the end hence being an ex but I think he told me all of that for genuine reasons.

But yes, never ignore your gut.

I think what I mean is it's the way bloke '1' in my example and your date shared that was a bit off. I.e. giving excessive and quite evocative detail. My bloke '2' gave me a bit of background then quite a matter of fact outline of the major incident that happened to him and his family. He wasn't trying to manipulate my emotions.

Maybe it's this, the level of detail and or language used that's ringing your alarm bells rather than if your date had just briefly made you aware of his bad experience.

No, first few dates should be about the name of your first pet, where you’ve been on holidays, and favourite pizza topping. That’s plenty. There’s no need for anyone to break out their counselling skills at that stage.

He is a manipulator, I guarantee it. Massive red flag.

I do this. In friendships. It's one of my worst qualities. A desire for the friendship to be deep and meaningful?

I’ve had people do this to me in friendships too.

Maybe I have a good listening face

It’s quite big stuff he told me. Stuff I feel weird knowing about when I don’t know the little stuff

Sometimes they ask you all this to gauge your weaknesses.

Asses how much they can get away with kinda thing, they could also be hoping you would tell them stuff which makes them feel better position then you etc etc, Its usually not good.

With me having things to disclose, I think you're being very mean OP. He/she obviously feels it's appropriate to tell you as they see it going somewhere. It's down to them to decide when is right to share THEIR business - not you! Have some sympathy/empathy instead of criticising!!!

@LellyMcKelly No, first few dates should be about the name of your first pet, where you’ve been on holidays, and favourite pizza topping. That’s plenty. There’s no need for anyone to break out their counselling skills at that stage.

Says who? How dare you dictate what a person shares?! If they feel comfortable enough then that's their choice - not yours!

It depends what the nature of the information is -

a person with a physical disability or medial condition may want to get it out there very early in order to avoid wasting his/her time with someone who is no OK with it.

a person telling you their life history of abusive relationships on a first date is a bit less explicable.

It's very context dependent and needs to be viewed against the information itself and the person's character/attitude generally - an otherwise apparently self confident man/woman disclosing weakness is more likely to be manipulative than someone who is more vulnerable with damaged self esteem putting themselves down.