Feeling sad

[BayTiger]

I’ve posted before about my marriage, and I took everyone’s advice and rang WA. They were wonderfully helpful and also confirmed what people had said to me on mumsnet. When I first asked for help I genuinely thought everyone would say I was being over sensitive and to get over myself.

It really shocked me when people said my husband was being emotionally abusive. The two people I’ve spoken to at women’s aid also said the same and suggested he may have narcissistic traits.

I read into this and was shocked to see that this would seem to be the case. If you met my husband you’d think he was wonderful, interesting, funny and charismatic.

I have found it shocking to think that he really is being abusive at times. If I told anyone we know they would not believe me and would think I was being over sensitive or a nag/controlling. At the moment I’m not able to think about leaving.

I hope you don’t mind me posting in light of this, I’m just in need of some support/hand holding, I feel quite isolated. He’s been working at home more lately and really watches when I’m feeding our daughter. She has always had trouble sleeping and doesn’t eat that well. Our GP and HV are more than happy with her and have told me to tell my husband to relax.

Our daughter wouldn’t go to sleep tonight, which is really difficult but just one of those things. She is quite wild and runs about and is very hard to manage. He has just had a big rant at me about how my job is to make sure she eats and sleeps and I’m not doing that. I think she picks up on his anxiety and obsession. He lectures me like I work for him and jabs his finger. She’s not a great eater but I’ve been told there is nothing to worry about. My husband gets so worked up about it. I was really pleased that she ate some meat today and he’s fuming as I gave up to soon and didn’t make her eat all of it before giving a pudding.

At one point tonight he was rocking her to sleep while I had my dinner in the kitchen. I could see him through the glass door standing there so thought he was waiting for me to open the stair gate and door as she had fallen asleep, when I did this she started calling Mummy, my husband was angry and said I had woken her up. But I thought if I didn’t open the door he would be mad as he wouldn’t be able to take her upstairs asleep, I then went outside to get my washing and he was banging in the window motioning me to come back in. He said as I had woken her up I was to taken her upstairs and get her to sleep,

I’m following the advice the health professionals have given but he says I’m lying and it’s rubbish what I’m saying. I tried to say that his anxiety is being picked up on by all of us but he just says no it’s your anxiety we are all picking up on. He looks so angry and says I’m being ridiculous,

Our daughter’s nap time is changing and sometimes she doesn’t have one. He feels this is my fault and that if he feeds her at the weekends eats more and has a nap on time, the truth is we are all more relaxed when he works away.

I told him this and he said I was a bitch. I know I keep posting here but I am very isolated in real life and can’t tell anyone. I’m always willing to hear I’m in the wrong, I spend hours up in the night with our child making sure he can sleep. I hide leftover food in the bin so it looks like she has eaten more.

My emotions have become numb and I can’t feel anything, I can’t help feeling he is spoiling everything. Thanks and sorry.

Ps I accidentally posted this in AIBU so have added it here too.

Hi

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Hope you are ok and know that you are not alone it's completely normal to feel sad but don't blame yourself

Xxx

Thank you that’s a nice message, its hard sorting it all through in your mind sometimes.

I’m so angry on your behalf. This is a terrible man. No doubt you are being abused and worries me that he will do same to your dd as she grows. I speak from experience. My dd is 19 and has had lots of mh problems, control issues, self harm and worse. If he won’t change i think for your sanity and happiness and your daughter’s you shouldn’t be with this man. Treading on egg shells and positioning every move you make so as not to upset him is no way to live. This is not your fault. Sending hugs

Thank you Greek, I’m sorry to hear about your daughter, I’m very mindful of the impact this could have. I’ve been told for so long that I’m over sensitive, defensive and unable to communicate that I’ve only lately wondered if it’s abusive.

No one we know would ever believe me if I said he was abusive and of course he only talks like it when no one else is there. I had mental health problems similar to your daughter when I was younger so I think people would assume I was the problem so to speak. He seems a bit sheepish this morning.

My mum says I can be bad tempered and bossy so I know I’m not perfect but there’s a difference between that and the way he is.

I’ve also noticed that he will do the opposite of what the health visitor has advised. We’ll discuss it and he says he agrees but will keep doing the opposite thing until we end up doing completely different things. Then it undoes all the progress I’ve made.

It was similar in the winter where he would have the heating on but leave the door to the room open. In the past we have always shut it to keep the warmth in as our house gets cold. I kept reminding him to close it but he wouldn’t. We got a huge gas bill. Then when we stopped needing the heating on he started closing the door again! I’m beginning to wonder if he does these things on purpose.

Hi OP, of course he does things on purpose. Its so things go wrong and he can then blame you.
I'm so sorry you are living like this. He is a disgusting man and like most abusers, keeps it hidden from others.
Why can't you leave him?

Thank you, I feel surprised people think it’s so bad as these are just run of the mill examples, although he did really upset me last night.

I usually can’t feel my emotions but I did have a cry. It’s only in the last few years he’s got like this and it’s just slowly dawned on me he’s being abusive. I feel I’m not ready to leave as it’s almost like being in shock and it feels like I need to try harder. When he’s being nice I then feel really irritable with him!

I so empathise. I am a strong opinionated woman...when it comes to others, but the older I’ve got, the more I value myself and believe I am worthy. My exe’s baseline was/is that he is perfectly normal and my/our children’s sensitivities are irrational and all my fault. Apparently, according to me he is portrayed as an ogre , but in reality this is my fault and I have miseducated his children and the world against him. It took me 12/13 years to gain the courage to leave and i am now 5 years into a relationship where I am respected and valued and very happy. To get me through and justify my leaving my kids’ dad I explained to my DCs that you are not necessarily stuck with the path you choose, you have the capability to make a change...nothing is forever unless you want it to be xx

I’m sorry to hear you had such a difficult time but also glad to hear how happy you are now. I can understand why it took you so long to leave.

My husband was being very apologetic today but did the exact opposite of what the HV advised us to do and I think it’s really confusing our child.

He’s got really mad and says I’m stubborn and defensive and has made me agree to have a cleaner. I know most people would be thrilled at this but for me it’s a way for him to say I’m not quite good enough at keeping the house up to scratch and it makes me feel humiliated. I feel I’m always being lectured on my communication problems and stubbornness and defensiveness but it’s never me telling him how I feel.

Thank you for your kind words and I’m so glad to hear how happy you are now :)

You can’t win Tiger, sounds like there’ll always be something for him to pick fault with. Depressing that in 2019 the cleaning still ends up being the yardstick by which we’re measured. I had cleaners too, iinstigated by me because I was fed up cleaning a large house with no help, acknowledgement or effort from him. When I went back to doing everything myself as kids got older I was accused of box ticking when I completed daily tasks and cooked meals; i simply couldn’t win. I was too soft on the kids, yet when I did discipline them they would go to daddy and get there way.

Has your husband given any indication why he has chosen to go against what HV advises? He accuses you of being stubborn and defensive?!! Hmmm, more like the other way around. Do you have friends/family for support? You will get stronger; please don’t let him ruin your self esteem and confidence, you’re not a Stepford Wife xx

Bay, you sound lovely.

You're dealing with a very controlling partner and the sooner you can get out of that situation, the safer and happier you and your daughter will be.

I hope the best for you xx

He isn't being kind to you is he? Your partner in life should be kind and support you. This is a fundamental requirement in a relationship. I don't know how your parents were with each other, but believe me, kindness is a really basic thing. It's so sad to hear of you being lectured about your faults. When if they were faults, which they clearly aren't, he should be kind.
I know you realise this already but you need to leave him. He can't change.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. As someone who was with this type of abuser for 12 years (3 children) I know exactly what you're going through.
I urge you to think about leaving sooner rather than later.
My ex would constantly criticise my parenting, finding fault with everything, undermine me in front of them at every opportunity.
It destroyed my self esteem, it ruined the bond with my children ultimately and for a long time I wasn't able to parent effectively because I'd never been allowed to make a decision. It got worse and worse as the children got older.
I hope you find the strength you need to leave

Thank you for all your understanding. I think a lot of his behaviour comes from deep anxiety and fear rather than being fundamentally evil. I think his own childhood has shaped it and fuelled it but the way it comes out would be called abusive. I think he just disagrees with the medical advice as he thinks he knows better than them and just doesn’t believe it.

I’ve tried approaching him with kindness and ‘admitting’ to everything he says. I think for now I’ll muddle along but realise that if he doesn’t change in the long term I’ll have to seriously think about things.

It’s so hard as he is a lovely man at times and says all his worries come from how much he loves our daughter. But it’s always about him and what he needs to make him happy. Such a shame as he has so much to offer and spoils himself at times. I’m not perfect, I get really bad tempered sometimes and he says I have said some hurtful things. I have said that he’s causing me to feel anxious about feeding our child and that’s the type of thing he calls hurtful. Although if he said it to me I’d be defensive if I said it was hurtful!

Oh well another week to see if I can improve things. Thank you all so much for replying as I can’t talk to anyone in real life.

Sorry to hear that so many people are going through this type of thing, it seems like an epidemic! 💐

Bay

What is stopping you from leaving this man?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

What are you still getting out of this relationship with this man?

Would you want your daughter to have a marriage like yours is?. You are also showing her that currently at least, the abuse from your H towards you (and in turn her) is acceptable to you on some level.

Op that sounds exactly like my ex. He would say he was only concerned for the children, worried excessively. However he would disregard my instincts and experience, despite having previously worked in childcare. He would dismiss the advice of hcp's and insist that he knew better..it's actually very worrying.
It trickled into other areas of our lives, he knew better about absolutely everything.

I wonder if that's a pattern in your relationship?

That’s interesting that your ex was like that, yes my husband is always worried about something. Either that or he does things with our daughter he knows I don’t like such as sitting her on the worktop where she was able to smash a glass or sitting her on top of the car etc.

Growing up my dad was absent so maybe that has something to do with it all. Having a bit of peace and quiet today anyhow :)

Uuugh I’m in trouble again tonight. Our child wouldn’t go to sleep tonight, she’s very strong and got down off my lap after I’d got her ready for bed and started running around. When this happens there is little I can do and the easiest thing is to bring her downstairs to let her play until she gets tired. She is a happy child but has issues with sleeping and eating. Being laid back about it all is the best approach I find. For various reasons things like controlled crying and giving consequences to the extent some people might don’t work with us.

So when my husband got home, he had been driving about after work, he was not happy that she was still up. What he does is to rock her to sleep. When she was a small baby this worked but now as a big toddler she doesn’t like it, she cries and says Mummy Mummy. So I went and intervened as she didn’t seem to like it.

Maybe I shouldn’t have but the way he rocks her is odd, he walks round and round the room really fast. So he was livid because I’d interfered, ate his dinner and went for a shower. I knew I’d better take her back upstairs and we stayed in her room, he then cane and ‘took over’ again.

He’s been lecturing me for the past hour about how I’m failing our daughter for not getting her eating well, failing her because she is not sleeping enough hours and failing her because she tries to bite me sometimes and bit another child.. Because he’s at work I’m the one to blame.

He jabs his finger at me and looks so angry. He constantly says I’m defensive and stubborn. But I don’t really know what it’s about.

I eventually got upset and he just says he doesn’t give a shit about how I feel. I said I’d been listening to him all this time, I got upset and he kept telling me to go away and that I sounded crazy and nuts and turned the light off. He also said I was evil for saying I feel there is something deeper he is angry about (as I can’t believe he can be so angry about all this) I can’t bear how angry his face looks, he doesn’t have any care for me when I get upset, which is very rarely now as my emotions are numb. He has ordered me out of the room saying I sound nuts and says he is staying in a hotel tomorrow. Before if I cried would give me a hug.

Because I’ve had mental health problems many years ago, saying I sound crazy really hits a nerve with me. I told him that because I don’t really see anyone, him getting mad like this causes me a lot of anxiety. He just says he doesn’t care and that I should go away and think about what I’ve said. He says it’s very hurtful to say she sleeps better when he’s working away and that it’s a complete lie!

I know people will think me an idiot for staying but just wanted to write this down. I find when all this is going on my memory is funny. I feel I must be a terrible parent and person to make him react like this.

Ps I’ve tried to explain to him that when he gets angry like this our child picks up in the energy and my anxiety and it affects her, but he said this is rubbish.

I feel sorry for your situation, but you really are wasting time and valuable mental energy trying to reason with him. The only valid course of action is to plan on how best to separate and then carry it through.
He sounds horribly patronising and controlling and he really shouldn't talk to you in the manner at all!

You are completely right: the tension in the home (caused by HIM) is having a detrimental affect on your daughter. Please please do not stay with this man. Find some inner strength. When your daughter is older, this man will turn on her, he will start to criticise and erode your daughter's self esteem. Please, for your daughter's sake, as well as your own, start getting things in place to leave this man.

It was a horrible night tonight, I’m still sitting downstairs. Our daughter’s sleep has got really bad at night and she’s often still up at 11pm. We can’t get her to sleep and she gets very wild and tears through the house.

I know my husband finds it hard to cope with and I’ve been feeling quite stressed as I don’t really get any breaks plus he makes me feel anxious.

We have fallen out tonight as I was unable to get her to sleep and my husband thinks it’s my job and I should know how to get her to sleep. He thinks I should be rocking her but she hates this and is quite strong so will just get down. As he’s been very critical lately I felt upset and started crying. He is really unsympathetic and said I diubddd like a sounded like a fucking kid and he has absolutely no sympathy for me. Yesterday I was talking too much and he said he wanted silence.

I’m not saying I’m without blame but he has made my poor head feel utterly confused. When I said you can’t force someone to sleep he said I am defensive, stubborn and unable to communicate.

I try not to respond but was cross about it all tonight and said a couple of things about the way he talks to me. Well he just walks away and tells me to leave him alone or else jabs his finger dnd says it’s YOU. So I can’t make any progress as he either shuts me down or says I can’t communicate.

He has such an angry look on his face and said I’m unbearable. I get so anxious and upset as I find my brain gets confused and I almost can’t follow what’s happened! He said no one else makes him feel so angry and he never argues with anyone, it’s me.

I said our daughter would be picking up in any tension and he said it’s bullshit and a lie. But then he did say actually it’s my frustration she’s picking up in so it’s my fault entirely that she can’t sleep. I’ve become really anxious at bedtime in case she won’t sleep and he blames me!

I rang WA and the woman I spoke to said it sounded like he has narcissistic traits. I told him he was not talking to me kindly or supportively and he just says I don’t care or I don’t give a shit. I asked if there was something he wasn’t telling me and he says I sound nuts and paranoid. I said no one else knows how he speaks to me and he said I’m just as mean and he should tell everyone what I’m really like. He has a retort for everything I say but puts it right back in me if I criticise him.

I feel so ground down and am afraid he might be trying to do this on purpose to make me look bad. When I cried he said I clearly can’t cope.

I’m not in a position to leave but feel I’m going a bit loopy and have no one to talk to in reality. I can’t believe how he has changed from the person I met and also am really worried that’s it is me causing it all as he says. Does it sound quite bad or do I sound just as bad?

@BayTiger, I’ve had a cry whilst reading your posts here. I’ve come to bed tonight feeling much the same way about my own marriage and a lot of what you’ve written sounds so sad and so similar to me.

According to my H, every day I do something wrong, usually with the children and house. He never walks through the door happy to be here. I’m a SAHM at the moment. My H has a big and important job with long hours and a lot of stress. As a result, I get the very worst side of him, as he’s charming and funny to everyone but me (well, actually he can be a bit shitty to his lovely mum, too).

I know what you mean about no one else seeing or understanding their true character. My friends would think I’m crazy to find fault, but the truth is that I face constant criticism and “feedback” from him about how I can be better at just about everything.

We tend to go through a few days of it being awful and then a slightly longer period of it being fine. During the fine times, I really think I must be exaggerating the bad times in my head.

It’s all so confusing.

We’ve been together a long time. It’s not a happy marriage, but I can numb myself. I feel so so sad for our 2 children though. It can’t continue like this. I wish he would just be the happy version of himself. I actually just said that to him. I asked him if he can please come home tomorrow thinking that he is happy (and wants to be happy) when he walks through the door.

I feel sick writing all of this, but also wanted to start writing down my own thoughts, as I also feel a bit confused and forgetful.

I don’t have any answers, but wanted to let you know that you’re not alone xx

Hi Stars I am very sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. It really is horrible to feel like all this is hidden and to start to doubt yourself. I keep wondering if it’s actually me who is causing it or abusive.

Your husband sounds very similar to mine job wise and I bet he’s very charming and lovely to everyone else.

I don’t know what you can do other than try and talk to someone, but it’s really hard. I’m thinking of having some counselling at some point to sort it all out in my head. I find writing here has helped a great deal so maybe you should try yourself. People have been so kind and I genuinely thought people would tell me I was over sensitive.

Thank you for replying and you are not alone either. Sending you a hug.

I told him this and he said I was a bitch Normal people don't talk to other people like this. Even if there was a reason to feel that way about them, which in your case there isn't.

Please START thinking about leaving him. He is a bully and you and your child need to be free of him. The best thing you can do is to get away. Once you have your own space, the fog will start to lift and you will begin to realise that you were never the one with the issues.
Instead of all the 'what if's?' and 'what will others think' and 'what will it be like if I leave's?' ask yourself these a simple question -
'Am I happy here?'. I the answer is no, you owe it to yourself to leave. And you don't have to justify that, or excuse it. It doesn't make you a bad person. Everyone deserves to be happy. Or at least, no one deserves to be miserable. He is making you miserable, time to go.