Maybe he thinks he’s more important than me, but do I matter too?!

[Itsallhitthefan]

Just had a big row

I’m upset because every Saturday he comes home from work at around 3pm and goes for a long bath.
We then don’t see him until after 7pm (he sleeps in the bath I think)

He doesn’t shower or bath apart from a Saturday so our sex life isn’t great since all I envisage is him being unwashed all week and then sitting in his own ‘stew’ for 4 hours on a Saturday

We have 2 dc aged 6 and 3 who, on Saturday’s I’m supposed to take care of from 6am until he gets out of the bath, after the dc are in bed.

His argument is that I work evenings during the week (20 hrs per week where he works 37 during the day) so he works then does every dinner/bedtime all week alone, besides Sunday when we share the responsibility.

I actually appreciate that and agree that he deserves a night off from getting them to bed, I wouldn’t mind settling them for bed one night a week alone, I’d enjoy it.

It’s the fact that it’s the whole day that’s getting to me!

Because he works more hours I’ve ended up picking up all of the domestic chores, he will cook dinner for him and dc and wash the dishes whilst I’m at work but nothing else.

I do all of the budgeting, appointments re house and dc etc along with all cleaning/laundry/gardening etc.
He goes to work, comes home and does dinner/bath and bedtime for dc and takes no responsibility for household stuff beyond that, besides transferring me an amount of money from his wages to cover his part of the bills.

What I ask from him financially is about £50 more than I earn (minimum wage) then I have tax credits and child benefit to top up.
He sees being able to put £50 more than me in as him being better than me it seems!
He puts in more money so he can leave all the other stuff to me!
He doesn’t admit this and says frequently that I should transfer all financial responsibility to him but I’m not sure he’d know where to start?!

All extra he keeps for himself whilst I have to buy my own stuff from what’s left over.

He says I’m being unfair because I manage to shower ‘whenever i want’ (before the kids get up) and I’ll sometimes have a soak whilst they’re at school/nursery but he is either at work or has the dc so hasn’t got the luxury to shower/bath whenever he wants.

He’s stormed off to bed, even though 90% of the time he sleeps on the sofa...

So, I’m left feeling like he thinks my opinion doesn’t matter when actually if I stopped doing all that I do, things wouldn’t be so great for him!

Any opinions?

What is it with the not bathing? Was he clean when you met him??? That’s vile!!! Do you do his laundry as well???

You sound so unhappy. Is he really who you want to spend your life with? Washing once a week is so off-putting. I had to read that twice as I couldn't quite believe it.

Doesn't sound like he is motivated in any way to change.

The not bathing is since I went back to work when youngest dc was 6mo and he had to watch them whilst I worked, suddenly he didn’t have time for himself.
And the fact I still find time to shower/bath whilst he works shows that I’m better off than him, time-wise, apparently

Are you married ?
You have separate bank accounts ?

Well the bath thing is nasty and Monday to Friday he could shower when the kids are in bed.

He seems to resent that you get a break whilst the kids are at school or nursery. He might have a point. He has a lot less flexibility and potential downtime compared to you. He does 7.5 at work and the 4 on childcare in the evening. Throw in travel time and he does have a relentless day.

I also don’t get the money, you ask him for an amount and do the budgeting. How can he be in the wrong on that if you tell him what to do.

If you want to share our workload go with his suggestion to do the finances and bills. He has offered and it is on your list of onerous things to do.

I think you are both just in a cycle of resentment.

He works alot of hours then has the kids in the evening. He wants an evening off.

You work in the evenings, but end up doing all saturday yourself and are annoyed.

But if both kids are in nursery/school you do get more downtime.

You say you want to do one night a week by yourself. But you also dont want to do all day and all night alone. He works till 3pm so even without the bath you would be doing most of the day alone.

It's difficult because the schedules are just what they are. But I do think he should get some downtime as well.

The bathing thing is horrible. of course he can wash.

Sounds like he is resentful, because he works alot, pays in slightly more money, has the kids most evenings and you resent him having a few hours to himself.

All extra he keeps for himself whilst I have to buy my own stuff from what’s left over.

I don't get this. Because this sounds equal. He keeps his spare for himself. You keep and spend your spare on yourself.

Also you arent making it easier because you wont give him control of the finances.

If you dont want to be with him, leave. Or seek counselling to sort it out. But the competative 'who has it worse', is simply going to end up in splitting you up.

Dump the stinker

These are his children I presume? You have taken a job with family friendly hours to enable him to work? And he begrudge you £50?

Im sorry for this and many other disgusting reasons in your post he sounds like an entitled, selfish, sexist twat and I don't think he will ever change. Turn the boiler off before he comes home so the waters cold. Or next time he's stewing in his own selfish soup throw a hairdryer in there with him. Dickhead.

Good morning.

He’s still not speaking to me.
He came back downstairs so I went to bed and he had the sofa, as usual.
The sofa thing though is really just so we can each get some sleep, 3 yo gets in with me early hours and he snores a lot.

He has a ‘wash’ every day before he leaves for work he says.

Maybe he does but our ‘discussions’ always seem to end up with us arguing so perhaps @Proteinshakesandtears has a point about a cycle of resentment.

We aren’t married (I know ) but we do have separate bank accounts.

There’s very little money left after bills so not much left for me but I get what I need mostly.

He doesn’t have much left over either. Well, he did have until he ran up a credit card debt that he’s now struggling to make the repayments so now he doesn’t have a lot for himself either.

I’ve just sent him a message which I hope explains though that I didn’t want a ‘what about you, you can bathe all day every day if you want’
I do have time in the day but I’m generally busy with the house, shopping, bills, but yes, I agree that I have more time.

It’s all the ‘and another thing’ stuff, from both sides that I’d like to avoid but I feel like I point out something I don’t like (4 hour bath) and hope I can get him to understand and discuss a compromise.
Maybe do something as a family, even just go out for dinner, or eat dinner together at home before he has his bath, then he could have his bath whilst I sort bedtime?

But we don’t get to discussing the compromise, he gets all shouty and defensive, says ‘oh, here we go’ and then I’m all wrapped up in circles.

Last night he said ‘what about you spending money on wine tonight? I wanted a takeaway but I can’t afford one but you can afford wine’
I didn’t answer because that’s not what I wanted to discuss, so he said ‘see! It’s not just me, is it’ and flounced off as if he’d ‘won’

It’s so frustrating

Oh, and something else he said last night was that he would happily work the hours I do and do all that I do because it’s easier, and that I should go out and work all day then look after dc each evening.
Well, I see his point but he earns more than me and I don’t see my earning potential improving so that would mean less money coming in which we can’t afford so it’s not a realistic ‘offer’ but he refuses to understand that. He would soon understand it if we did switch roles and he had to keep on top of the bills himself though.

This doesn’t really sound like a partnership @OP. Is there a reason you don’t have a joint bank account and equal access to funds? IMO everything should be shared equally. At the end of the day you are at home available for school/nursery runs so that he can work FT. You also do majority of the household chores meaning your contributions are of equal value to his FT working (probably more actually as you work evenings too!)
He has no excuse not to shower! A shower takes 5 minutes which he could go and do first thing in the morning before work or once the children have gone to bed. It’s just lazy and unhygienic tbh! Also why does he sleep on the sofa rather than in bed with you?

Also, how do I stop mn emailing me when a comment is posted etc.

I don’t want him to know I’ve posted about him!

I accepted his contribution of equal to my wage plus £50 as it was enough to cover the bills with a bit of spending money left for me.
Things have become slightly more expensive year on year though and, even though he will increase the part that’s equal to what I earn, the £50 has stayed at that.
My tax credits reduce slightly year on year too so perhaps I should have asked for a bit more.
No good now though as he has to pay his credit card bill and he’s not got enough left for himself by the looks of it.

What a mess.

I can see from his point of view that he's exhausted- Monday to Friday he doesn't get a break at all. That's tough going for him. Does he work 6 days a week? I don't understand him not having a shower during the week though. That's grim. I can understand that he needs a bit of time to himself on Saturday and wouldn't resent him for it. But it's an odd way to take time for yourself - to lie in a bath for hours. Maybe you could start taking the kids somewhere on a Saturday afternoon to give him a proper break.

I think it's fair if you're working 17 hours a week less than him that you pick up the slack with cleaning and laundry. It's not like he comes home from work and puts his feet up and demands his dinner. He's cooking for the kids and putting them to bed. Could you not have dinner already cooked to make the evenings easier for him and the kids?

I also don't understand the money thing, but I'm from the mode of thinking that money should go into the pot together. If you're not happy, then change the way you do things.

To be honest, I can see why things are tough for you both. Monday to Friday, you don't see each other really? Then Saturday you're feeling resentful leaving one day a week to 'enjoy' family life. You need to really talk to each other and be kind to each other instead of resenting each other. You're both working hard, although honestly, a full work day and then cooking and putting kids to bed Monday to Friday is hard and would grind anyone down.

A basic lack of communication and agreement re sharing. He’s knackered from working all day then coming home to care for children each evening and feels overwhelmed. Many working mothers feel likewise, I suspect.

You do have day time capacity so have more ‘me time’ than him by the sound of it. I think you need to be kinder to each other and accept the efforts the other puts in.It does sound like you get the easier deal.

Not showering isn’t nice. You could facilitate that for him and improve both your lives - unless there is no overlap at all. Why can’t he shower before work?

Sending text messages is immature and ineffective. Book a babysitter and go out somewhere neutral and have a proper discussion as two adults about the future.

"What I ask from him financially is about £50 more than I earn (minimum wage) then I have tax credits and child benefit to top up.
He sees being able to put £50 more than me in as him being better than me it seems!
He puts in more money so he can leave all the other stuff to me!
He doesn’t admit this and says frequently that I should transfer all financial responsibility to him but I’m not sure he’d know where to start?! All extra he keeps for himself whilst I have to buy my own stuff from what’s left over".

This to me reads like financial abuse. The other red flag here on the financial front is that he wants to take over all the financial responsibility from you. He is also in effect giving you an allowance by transferring part of his wages over to you and that is demeaning to you as well.

Such men are rarely solely financially abusive, there are examples of emotional abuse in your posts from him to you as well.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

Why on earth are you and he together at all now?. Do not stay with him simply for and because of the children here.

He stays on the sofa as 3yo gets in with me and also he snores and wakes us all up.
I can hear his snoring upstairs but it’s bearable.
I wish we had a bigger house so he could have his own bedroom as I suspect his sleep is poor and he’s probably really tired.

I told him in my message that I think he’s staying for the children and isn’t loving towards me anymore.

My house in my name (rented) but he has nowhere to go anyway.

Also, I hope I’m wrong and I don’t want us to split. Small dc and not much money will add pressure to us both (I feel exhausted and suspect he must do too)

I’d rather sort it all out.

Oh and 3yo only just started nursery in April so I’m only recently enjoying a little bit more freedom, I guess he resents that?

"I told him in my message that I think he’s staying for the children and isn’t loving towards me anymore".

How has he responded, if at all?. All this man cares about is his own self. He is unhygienic, does the barest of bare minimums with his children and financially and emotionally abuses you as well to boot. His silence is his responsibility and an example of emotional abuse

My house in my name (rented) but he has nowhere to go anyway".

So what?. That is not your problem. He will find somewhere to live.

"Also, I hope I’m wrong and I don’t want us to split. Small dc and not much money will add pressure to us both (I feel exhausted and suspect he must do too)"

You are not wrong re him but again why do you not want to split up?. What are you getting out of this relationship still that for you is still worth it?. He is causing a split by his actions towards you and in turn his children. This is not how family life should be at all and it does also make me wonder what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. Abuse as well is not solely physical in nature.

"I’d rather sort it all out".

You will not because you will co-operate with him whilst he will absolutely not co-operate with you.

@mineallmine that’s something I didn’t explain, he works 5 days.
He’s off each Monday, that’s the day we shop and have lunch together and it’s kind of a day off for me too as I’m not stuck at home.

Probably will have to bus it on my own tomorrow though if he’s still not speaking to me.

He will probably pick me up with the shopping though I suppose.

No reply to my message, we are doing usual Sunday stuff with dc though so perhaps he’s waiting until they go to bed later.

I think a situation where a couple work opposite shifts is always going to be hard, and taking 4 hours to himself to wank in the bath isn't unreasonable. You could take a bit of time to yourself during the week.

But I don't think that's the real problem. They money situation seems unfair, and the general hygiene issues sound pretty bad.

He sounds tired and fed up. Works 6 days a week, looks after the kids 5 nights and only has one full day off at the weekend AND has to sleep on the bloody sofa to make way for a 3 year old!

I'd love to hear his side.

X-post I see he has Monday off. Can't you do something fun together then?

@JeSuisStevieNicks

I know and I think I can see his side, I think I’d just like a little bit of time together with the dc on the Saturday but that possibly is unreasonable of me.

I do stay home with the kids as I don’t drive and honestly don’t know where I’d take them for 4+ hours with very little money in all weathers.
But I appreciate that him locking himself away in the bathroom is him making sure he gets his ‘me time’

I don’t want to not let him have me time, I’m just not happy about when he does it.
But perhaps that’s my problem?

This post though is about us not being able to discuss it and things turning into a huge argument about everything else instead.

Monday’s we do the weekly shop and usually try and get lunch at a cafe together or something, it’s supposed to be a bit like a date for us because we have nobody to babysit the dc at the moment.
So we are trying to stay connected but then every now and then, this happens.

Can I stop the email updates from mn?