Maybe he thinks he’s more important than me, but do I matter too?!

[Itsallhitthefan]

Just had a big row

I’m upset because every Saturday he comes home from work at around 3pm and goes for a long bath.
We then don’t see him until after 7pm (he sleeps in the bath I think)

He doesn’t shower or bath apart from a Saturday so our sex life isn’t great since all I envisage is him being unwashed all week and then sitting in his own ‘stew’ for 4 hours on a Saturday

We have 2 dc aged 6 and 3 who, on Saturday’s I’m supposed to take care of from 6am until he gets out of the bath, after the dc are in bed.

His argument is that I work evenings during the week (20 hrs per week where he works 37 during the day) so he works then does every dinner/bedtime all week alone, besides Sunday when we share the responsibility.

I actually appreciate that and agree that he deserves a night off from getting them to bed, I wouldn’t mind settling them for bed one night a week alone, I’d enjoy it.

It’s the fact that it’s the whole day that’s getting to me!

Because he works more hours I’ve ended up picking up all of the domestic chores, he will cook dinner for him and dc and wash the dishes whilst I’m at work but nothing else.

I do all of the budgeting, appointments re house and dc etc along with all cleaning/laundry/gardening etc.
He goes to work, comes home and does dinner/bath and bedtime for dc and takes no responsibility for household stuff beyond that, besides transferring me an amount of money from his wages to cover his part of the bills.

What I ask from him financially is about £50 more than I earn (minimum wage) then I have tax credits and child benefit to top up.
He sees being able to put £50 more than me in as him being better than me it seems!
He puts in more money so he can leave all the other stuff to me!
He doesn’t admit this and says frequently that I should transfer all financial responsibility to him but I’m not sure he’d know where to start?!

All extra he keeps for himself whilst I have to buy my own stuff from what’s left over.

He says I’m being unfair because I manage to shower ‘whenever i want’ (before the kids get up) and I’ll sometimes have a soak whilst they’re at school/nursery but he is either at work or has the dc so hasn’t got the luxury to shower/bath whenever he wants.

He’s stormed off to bed, even though 90% of the time he sleeps on the sofa...

So, I’m left feeling like he thinks my opinion doesn’t matter when actually if I stopped doing all that I do, things wouldn’t be so great for him!

Any opinions?

I don’t want to not let him have me time, I’m just not happy about when he does it.

When would be better for you?

Why cant he shower on a Monday? Surely, get the kids to school and nursery. Have a shower or bath and go do the shopping.

I realise as well that I’ve said I do everything, including shopping but then he does do the weekly shop with me and during my rants here I have forgotten that it seems, so perhaps that’s some resentment from me and me not seeing his side properly?

I do all top up shopping and clothing for dc etc but can’t carry the big shop on the bus so he helps me, so he does do something.

@Proteinshakesandtears I’ve suggested he has a bath on a Monday morning and I’ll do the school run but he complained that he never gets to take them to school.
So I said I’d run him a bath whilst he takes them but that’s no good as once he’s up and about he doesn’t want a bath then.

plus I worry that he’ll have an all day bath and we won’t get the shopping done!

He is really doing the barest of bare minimums and his current silent treatment towards you is an example of emotional abuse.

Do not tolerate this at all because your children are also learning from you also about relationships. Is this the model you want to be showing them, that yes this is how people are treated in relationships too?

[email protected] is the email address I would contact re you getting the email updates. They will then advise how to stop those.

I just want to be able to sit down and talk things through properly.
But we end up arguing.

I like the idea of discussing it in a public place but I would need him to agree to that.

"Probably will have to bus it on my own tomorrow though if he’s still not speaking to me. He will probably pick me up with the shopping though I suppose"

These above comments of yours are really sad. And his behaviours towards you are all unacceptable, no two ways about it.
This individual has got a nice arrangement going on for him here with you running around like a blue house fly and he wants to keep it that way. This is also done by he using methods like his bathtime, financial controls and silent treatment to keep you in the hole he has partially dug for you.

And what if he chooses not to pick you up after you buying the shopping?.

He is incapable of talking things through properly because the only opinion that matters to him is his own. You are not seen by him as any sort of an equal here and he will continue to further diminish you as a person.

Thanks everyone.

Lots to think about

There are a number of issues which as you say, could be settled by good communication.

However you can't make him communicate well. Does he give the silent treatment often?

I know some women on MN also stonewall as a means of getting space but it is highly destructive and never effective - if the goal is to solve issues. If the goal is to stop your partner from getting their needs met, it's highly effective however.

I think you need to determine if your communication pattern can change. That is the key to unlocking the issues around childcare, finances and personal cleanliness.

Is he capable of insight, reflection and change? Does he work in a culture that encourages personal growth?

@lifebegins50 thank you.

He does the silent treatment often I suppose, I mean I don’t bring up issues a lot but when I do this always happens.

He has in fact just broken his silence by asking me if I’d like some of the food he’s cooking for himself and dc.
I’ve said yes and we’ve all eaten together.

I hope we can talk later on but I’m worried about broaching the subject again now after how things went last night.

His work is manual and pretty hard going on him physically and there’s definitely more males than females there with lots of banter etc.
So no, probably not something that would encourage personal growth.

He’s also not paid loads more than me, he’s not a high earner, hence the need for tax credits.
It’s just he’s on a few quid per hour more than me and works more hours so gets paid more.

If that matters? I just want him to have his me time at a more convenient time for me I think, but perhaps that’s selfish of me?

I do recognise that we need to talk about much more than just the bath issue, I’d just rather not have to thrash it out in a big row where he is quick with what he’s saying and I’m not given time to consider what I’d like to say properly, resulting in me feeling a whole lot worse and regretting even bothering to talk.

If you work 20 hours per week, could you not change to do it during school and nursery hours? Then you wouldn’t have such a separate schedule and the evenings and weekends could be more fairly split.

Positives
You are both working
You both have access to your own money
You have date time at cafe

Negatives
Poor sleep
Poor communication
Unmarried
Not much down time

The work / life balance seems about right for a family with young children. What were you both expecting ?

You need to have a big talk about things.

I would cut out some of the causes of friction. For a start get your shopping delivered, then you would have the day together to do something nice, like a walk and pub lunch together, first showing at the cinema. Instead of shopping drudgery.

Also the 3 year old needs to stay in their room or if you have to have her in with you , go on the floor on some cushions/mat if she comes in. Your DP sounds like he really needs to catch up on sleep, no wonder his hygiene has fallen by the wayside a bit.

It must be tough working nights for you too.

The money issue needs sorting you both need to have equal "spending money" for yourselves alone. The budget needs to be looked at.

Ask you Dp what he would like to change and say what you would like to change and see if you can compromise. Sounds like you are both exhausted and resentfula nd need to reconnect and show loving kindness to one another again.

he's an abusive twat.
it takes 5 minutes to have a shower - and he doesn't even have the kids to look after in the mornings.
he's playing hardball to ensure that everything falls to you to do whilst he gets away with as little as possible.
he thinks he's got his feet well and truly under the table, knows your weak points and so can get away with it all.

it isn't your problem if he has nowhere to go.
he's a grown man with a job and he can sort himself out.
i'd give him notice - X amount of time to either shape up or ship out.

Life's too precious to put up with this crap.

Ok, I think you might need to work on communication first. Lots of really good free resources on YouTube, Josh Gottman is seen as a guru.

Even if you learn a new communication style and it still doesnt work you will know you have done everything.
If you had to separate then you will knkw you have done your best.

Men seem (generally but not exclusively) to struggle with communication when their partner raises issues, it can trigger defensiveness which then becomes destructive. I have raised sons and daughters and see the difference. I actual think a large part of our mothering role is to develop sons communication skills as it seems, to me, to be less instinctive.

Getting him to hear you, without feeling he is being blamed might be the key. I also think you might need to give in on his bath time. It is for him the first day of the week without the bedtime routine and it probably is essential for him. It may all change when the DC are older so for now you might need to accept family time is Sundays, couple time is Mondays. That is more than a lot of couples manage!
On the money try a joint budget which starts with a joint account where both salaries are paid into and allocated amounts paid into your separate accounts.
It seems however that if he is earning only a few pounds per hour more than you his maximum earning will be £80, then tax so it's not as if he has loads to spare.

I suggest you tackle one issue first but look at his sleeping. It very unhealthy to sleep on a sofa so his sleep must be disruptive.

Hows he doing the 'bare minimum' full time work, the parenting in the evening while OP is at her work? I may have read wrongly but are the DC not at nursery/school during the day?

Working full time is not a part of parenting. Most single, child free people work full time. I agree doing bedtime on his own every night is stressful but I assume you are getting them up, dressed and fed every morning?

Abuse though is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. What he is doing here to the OP are all examples of wanting power and control.

Unfortunately I can’t switch to days yet as the dc need looking after during school holidays and there aren’t any affordable childcare options for us during the holidays.

My employer isn’t flexible enough to allow me to do evenings during school holidays either, it would have to be a total switch to day shifts.
Another problem would be if one or both of them were off school sick, at the moment I’m home anyway so it’s not a problem.

I do think I’d like to really try and talk, and I might well relent on the bath issue actually.

There’s other things that could be made right which might make enough difference for me to not resent that so much.

I’ll be on my guard and watching his behaviour much more closely now though as I think it’s very possible he might be quite controlling and that’s why he’s acting this way, abusive?

Thanks again to everyone who has taken time to comment.
It’s been good to see a mixture of opinions.