Partner, step parent - when or what qualifies a person to be called your partner or your childrens step parent?

[OldAndWornOut]

I'm just wondering, really.
I had some very long relationships, but never lived with anyone, so they were never referred to as my child's step parents.

Step parents are by definition married to your biological parent.

I would assume once they were living in the same house as the children.

They are married to the child’s parent surely.

You don’t need to be married to be a stepparent. My mum and stepdad aren’t married, but they’ve been together for 25 years and he’s clearly my stepdad.

Partner once you live together

Step-parent once you have married either of the child's actual parents

The dictionary definition of a step parent means they need to be married. Even after 25 years, if you called them your stepdad or stepmum I'd assume they were married.

The dictionary definition doesn’t always cover all eventualities. And things change over time.

I wouldn’t care if you assumed they were married. Because whether they entered into a contract together or not makes no difference to you.

But this is MN, so people will be pedantic rather than pragmatic.

Marriage.

Yes, things do change. What the word step-parent means hasn't.

In this day and age of moving in together before marriage ide say when they move in they are step dad. I'm not married to dp but my dc refer to him as their step dad.

It doesn't really matter for adult children, but the distinction can be important. In some circs step parents can acquire parental responsibility but they have to be married.

Actually, I think the importance of the word would more be in helping to explain the relationships between people. People don’t care if others are married, but knowing that’s a parents’ partner rather than the other parent is useful. I’d imagine kids would often choose the label ‘stepdad/mum’ because it makes it clear it not their dad/mum (even though they live with them/are being picked up from somewhere/whatever social situation you might want to clarify it in).

In which case, it matters not a jot what the dictionary says.

I think it's when everyone involved is comfortable with those labels - if you both call each other your patner, if both kids and adults are comfortable with stepmum or stepdad, etc. It's not for other people to impose on you - if a parent marries someone, you aren't then obliged to use those terms, nor can someone tell you you're wrong to if they aren't married.

I guess legally it is about being married. I see it more as what role that person plays in the child's life.

If they are actively part of the child's life. And are hands on then that is more a parenting role.

My parents both remarried. If talking about their second husbands/wife. I don't call them my step parents. They are my mum/dads wife/husband. I have a mum and a dad. I dont wish for step parents. And both are good people.

I think once married/living together and they start taking in parental responsibilities

I agree with @eve34. My dad remarried over 17 years ago and I still consider his wife exactly that "dad's wife". She isn't a step-parent to me only in definition. My sister however acknowledges moreso as a step-mother since she had her DC.

I am also a "partner's girlfriend" to his children. I don't wish to be a step-parent. In the legal sense we will not be getting married so won't ever be an official one either.

DSD already had a 'step-dad' when I came on the scene but he and her mum are not married (had been together long term and have 2 children together).

Therefore when we decided that this was for keeps/I was living with them DSD wanted to refer to me as her step mum. DP and I were fine with this as a) it would cause hurt and confusion explaining to DSD that her step dad is not actually really her step dad and b) we were both committed to us being a family anyway

Married now and no longer an issue of official or not! But to DSD I was just her step mummy from the beginning

If I heard mum / step dad I would assume marriage just as if I would if I heard husband / wife. To me it conveys a sense of permanence and commitment.

However, I understand that not everyone can or wants to marry and so use that term for the long term partner of their parent just as unmarried people may refer to their partner as 'my husband' or 'my wife'.

I think most people would want to avoid a situation where a child has one or more short term 'step dads' or 'step mums'. That might lead to feelings of abandonment low self esteem and trust issues if the child learns to associate the partner directly to themselves and then that person is ripped away through nobody's fault.

I know marriages fail as well but for the first three years or so of a non married cohabitation I personally would avoid using 'step-mum' / 'stepdad'.

Unless the couple have children together which does add a permanent relationship to the situation. Your sibling 's mum/ dad will always have a link to you even if they split from your biological parent.

I don't see why step-mums and step-dads only become 'step' after marriage; there are plenty of children out there whose biological mum and dad aren't married.

Personally I'd say it's when the step- moves in permanently with the biological parent and therefore becomes a permanent feature in the child's world.

“I think most people would want to avoid a situation where a child has one or more short term 'step dads' or 'step mums'. “

Surely that’s avoided by not introducing short term partners to children, not by introducing them and avoiding using certain words...

Tabulah
I think my idea of short term might be different to yours. I think after living together for three years or so, using step-parent would make sense but that would be after waiting at least a year before introducing a partner to child and then a further period to allow the child to get to know the partner before moving in full time.

I'd say after marriage. I live with my DP and we're expecting a baby. We both have other children but I don't consider myself a step-parent and neither does he really. Though we do consider ourselves a family.

I think it's up to the children to decide if they want to call them a step parent. My parents have been married to their partners longer than my parents were married. By definition they are my step parents, but i have a mum and dad, i don't need another set. To me they always have been my parents wife/husband.

They should be called step parent after marriage and certainly not while they're a girlfriend or boyfriend.

I think the word 'partner' to describe any, of however many months/years, unmarried relationship is really very derogatory towards women/men and should not be used under any circumstances. Just my opinion.