“I’m around if you need to speak”

[FFSCake]

I am six months into dating a new guy. We’ve both been away for periods of time so things are still relatively new. We’re managing to see each other once or twice a week. Things are relatively normal and nice and I feel that he is into me, but he frames all interaction we have with the insinuation that I “need” to speak to him. Things like:

I can call if you need?
Do you need to see me?
I’m around if you want to call.

This evening has really wound me up. We are planning on going away together in a couple of weeks. We are both organising parts of it, but I have some logistical questions for him. He is travelling for work and he called me yesterday but I missed it and called him back a couple of hours later. He said he was busy with colleagues, I said no problem, just have a few questions re: our logistics. He said speak tomorrow.

Then this evening I get a text: i’m around this evening if you need me to answer your questions.

I find it really, really annoying that his communication is framed liked this. Why can’t he say i’d like to speak to you. Please can we talk?

Am I right to find this annoying? I have brought it up before and he apologises and assured me he wants to speak but just does not change the way he deals with me.

I got a “you have questions, do you need me to call?” Tonight. And I just thought, sod you, and wrote back “no need, have a good night.”

AIBU for this driving me up the wall?

I have a feeling that he is the Gareth of The Office.

I think you're over reacting about a minor thing OP. It's just a turn of phrase.

I mean I can understand that it would be slightly annoying but you're blowing it up out of all proportion.

Daisy chain 😂😂😂😂😂

Whats he actually like in person. This seems like work-speak to me. It doesnt seem intrinsically bad. If you tell him it annoys you and he still does it then maybe consider pulling back but he would be justified in thinking you were oversensitive.

Yeah, it's shit business email speak and it makes you sound like a client / his project.

Perhaps text him back and ask if he's prepared to reach out and engage in some blue sky thinking, regarding the logistics of the upcoming Q2 trip. (Or have we slipped into Q3 yet...?)

It would annoy me too.

She’s not ‘oversensitive’ at all. This frames her as the needy one, always looking for something from him, bustling about trying to get more contact and answers, and him as the gracious one agreeing to be available, if she ‘needs’ him to be.

If you’ve asked him to stop and he apparently can’t see the problem, I’d write him off as someone too dim to understand language nuance and why using the kind of language (patient, professional, signalling availability if needed) you might use to a confused new intern really isn’t appropriate in a romantic relationship.

I think in this situation you are over reacting.

He called you, you missed it. You called him and told him you needed to ask some questions about logistics.

He is asking you if you still need to call him about that, that night.

Is it because you want him to say 'I want to speak to you' not everyone would. They would just pick up the phone.

In any case if he text me and said 'do you need to see me?', I would simply text back 'I dont need to see you, but I want to see you. Dont you want to see me?'

Lasts nights text would have been 'no I dont need to speak to you right now. But I do want to sort logistics so we can speak tomorrow as planned. Unless you want to sort it now'

If it his how he speaks it's how he speaks. You can either spend time reframing it and pushing back until he slowly changes how he communicates or end it.

Having a go wont change habits he has got into.

How is he otherwise? I know plenty of people who are rubbish with texts but lovely in person.

Someone who clearly is offering emotional support proactively to their partner is instantly diagnosed with autism. Only on Mumsnet.

He’s not offering emotional support.

Agree though, nothing to do with autism.

It sounds like you actually do need him to answer the logistical questions in this instance though

You're v sensitive!! Maybe hes not sensitive enough to make you feel comfortable? That's definitely something that affects compatibility.

It sounds like he learned how to be communicative and responsive via his working life. So he uses a bit of work speak. Even more so if he is in a role that works on a lot of project work, or if hes in a role that's client or customer facing and hes been coached on his comm to be more service oriented etc.

People who honed their communication skills via personal relationships, romances, friendships, sport, etc will have a different style.

Are you sure you want to be with him? You're being extremely nit picky imo!

@Meline
Exactly

I just cannot see this as an issue. Is it possible you are just not that into him and looking for reasons to be irritated?

OP is not being sensitive. Her BF is doing things that are annoying.

It’s very work-speak

I don't reckon he's doing it on purpose, just the way he expresses himself. I can understand it grating a little bit.

It sounds like work speak and work text,so think it must just be the normal way he does things, but it's no big issue really, I don't think he is some emotionless soul.but only you would know if he was.

This sounds more like a boss talking to a junior colleague than a proper relationship.

Bit of a power trip. whether he's aware of it or not it's another thing.

If it's bothering you now, fast forward ten years and he hasn't put the bins out three weeks in a row.

Gut feelings are so spot on!!

You are picking up the projection OP:

I have NO needs. I have no vulnerabilities. But you need me.