“I’m around if you need to speak”

[FFSCake]

I am six months into dating a new guy. We’ve both been away for periods of time so things are still relatively new. We’re managing to see each other once or twice a week. Things are relatively normal and nice and I feel that he is into me, but he frames all interaction we have with the insinuation that I “need” to speak to him. Things like:

I can call if you need?
Do you need to see me?
I’m around if you want to call.

This evening has really wound me up. We are planning on going away together in a couple of weeks. We are both organising parts of it, but I have some logistical questions for him. He is travelling for work and he called me yesterday but I missed it and called him back a couple of hours later. He said he was busy with colleagues, I said no problem, just have a few questions re: our logistics. He said speak tomorrow.

Then this evening I get a text: i’m around this evening if you need me to answer your questions.

I find it really, really annoying that his communication is framed liked this. Why can’t he say i’d like to speak to you. Please can we talk?

Am I right to find this annoying? I have brought it up before and he apologises and assured me he wants to speak but just does not change the way he deals with me.

I got a “you have questions, do you need me to call?” Tonight. And I just thought, sod you, and wrote back “no need, have a good night.”

AIBU for this driving me up the wall?

I think you're splitting hairs. I would find it off-putting if my partner had issues with how things are worded in a text! Then again, if it bothers you then you should talk about it! (Not by text!!) Why don't you?

Well, that's bizarre.

He sounds like a dictator : 'you need to speak to me!??'... Er, no...?

English is his first language, right?

You say that to someone at work, not someone your in a relationship with.

He talks like this in person too. He could turn up at my house and I could say “why are you here?” And he would say “you needed to see me.”

^

Can you clarify this - did he just randomly show up or was it planned that he'd come over?

Wow is this even an issue?

I feel sorry for the guy

Are you sure you’re genuinely into him? It sounds as if he irritates you. This is a complete over reaction

God no, it’s just a polite text, he meant it well. Not knowing you would overanalyse it and use it against him. Please do end it with him, many women would like him

I don't see the issue at all. I think you are nit picking.

Utterly bizarre. Of course you wanted to speak to him. Why else would you have asked?

Unless this is part of something much bigger, like no physical affection, or very withdrawn all the time, ithink you are splitting hairs. To me “ I’m here if you need me” sounds generous and invitational, like he’d drop what he’s doing to speak to you.
We do have needs of one another, we are interdependent creatures.

Yeah he's addressing you like a colleague!

Give him the benefit of the doubt. It's probably just him getting the tone wrong in a text.

If he can't differentiate between someone in his office and someone he's meant to be developing a personal relationship he has one of two problems

He's spending too much time at work and can't adjust his mindset outside that corporate environment or

He doesn't see you in a romantic context, and likes the idea you're someone scurrying around busying yourself doing his organising like his EA.

Either way, deeply unattractive.

Urgh who wants a "polite" text from a new bf. What a turnoff!

Next he'll be signing off "feel free to contact me again if I can be of any further assistance"

I think it’s weird of him, especially as you’ve brought it up and he’s continued.

Suggests he has a sense of superiority.

Or that he can’t snap out of work speak - the kind of things some senior men say (at work) IME.

I would feel the same. I wonder if it’s a confidence thing. A better text would be ‘Shall I ring you when I get home from work?’ But perhaps he fears a knock back, so instead he’s putting the ball in your court.

I honestly can't see the problem, it's such a minor thing. You are splitting hairs over something utterly trivial.

You said you had questions for him, so you did need to speak to him.

You are loading huge significance onto a single word, and assuming intentions that are almost certainly not there.

If a guy got offended about my texting style, or asked me to change something this early on, I'd be off.

And actually I would take it a completely different way.

"I'm here if you need me" is his way of leaving the call up to you, and not imposing on you by suggesting the call himself.

It's office speak. Bit wanky to use in other contexts but not offensive as such.Just a bit cringe.

It’s not at all trivial, because it’s odd, annoying, and constantly repeated.

It would wind the fuck up out of me.

Next time you text him, tell him that you are 'reaching out', and see what he does with that. Dickhead.

I'd be tempted to reply 'don't do me any favours' but it may be a not wanting to impose thing that is awkwardly worded.
Maybe ask him?

Does he work as a coach? That could explain it. Definitely think it's a 'how can I service you, look at me all caring and open', rather than 'I am superior to you, needy person'

All the people who “can’t see the problem”, have you actually READ what OP is saying? It’s crystal clear.

His language makes her feel like him contacting her is a duty (do you NEED me to contact you? Implies that if she doesn’t have a good reason then he doesn’t want to call her).

She wants him to WANT to call/visit her, regardless of whether there is an actual NEED or not.

I can’t work out whether PPs are all just like OP’s partner or if you’re all being deliberately obtuse.

He sounds like he wants you to have 'problems' so he can 'rescue' you.

I'm wondering if English is his first language?

I couldn’t go out with someone who can’t seem to understand the nuances of language. Does he actually think you are a junior colleague who regularly needs to consult him about things he doesn’t know?