Very cold during disagreements - red flag?

[madeofstarlight]

Hi everyone, just looking for some impartial opinions.

So I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months and I've noticed that when we have a disagreement he goes very cold towards me even when I'm trying to be calm and diffuse the situation.

So, as an example I'm on holiday just now with my family and a couple of my younger sisters friends. I'm mid 20s, them late teens/early 20s. Last night we went for dinner and when crossing a busy road a scooter started speeding up so I touched my sisters friends arm and said 'oh, X watch yourself'. I don't know if he got a fright or what but he totally flipped and layed into me. Everyone with us has agreed it was absolutely out of order and had a word with him and agreed if I hadn't alerted him he would have been run over as he was in a total daydream.

I texted my bf about it today to tell him what happened/ get a bit of sympathy from him because it's shaken me a bit and made me feel a bit awkward. He replied saying maybe X reacted like that because he doesn't like random touches' and didn't ask if I was ok or show any concern at all for me. I explained that it's not the case as I've known X for a few years and never experienced anything like it with him but my sister had mentioned he's turned on her in a similar way. I also mentioned it was strange that his first reaction was to make excuses for X rather than see how I was. He then started talking down to me saying he was looking at it with a rational mind (insinuating I was being irrational?) and that he was trying to save the holiday and find a solution but he wouldn''fucking bother next time'. I messaged back saying I understand he was just trying to calm me down but I had just been looking for a bit of moral support and didn't want us to have a falling out. He's ignored me since.

This isn't the only time he's been like this, any time I've voiced something that's upset me he behaves like this. Goes very cold, insists that I'm being irrational and taking things the wrong way even though I'm trying to keep the peace. He then makes up with me and says he is glad I voice what I feel rather than holding things in but the way he behaves is making me frightened to say anything negative to him. I feel like he takes everything I say as an attack unless it's 100% positive.

I'm starting to wonder if this is good for me as I am usually a very fiery person, don't let anyone walk over me etc but I've noticed that I bow down to him when he behaves like this. It's like I panic and don't want to fall out so just try and sweep it under the carpet and try to placate him. But after this happening a few times now I'm starting to feel annoyed that I'm sacrificing my feelings/burying my concerns so that he doesn't feel attacked.

Do you think this is a red flag that he maybe isn't the njce guy he usually seems to be? Or is it just a case of he deals with disagreements differently than I would? Admittedly I like to hash things out and quickly put it to bed, I don't like to draw things out but maybe that's just not for everyone?

I also just want to note that it's never over anything serious, it'll be situations that I would consider to be a minor hiccup or disagreement but he takes it so personally that it becomes a big thing. I make sure to speak very calmly and be vulnerable to him and I feel like where other people would soften and be like 'ok sorry I made you feel this way but it upset/annoyed me when you did this...' he just goes very icy.

I don’t know, but my DH does the same. Any sort of conflict and he almost shuts down. Won’t look me in the eye. Won’t discuss anything.
It hasn’t got any better over the years.

Sorry but he does not sound like a particularly supportive, patient and understanding partner. I wonder if there is a bit of jealousy there in the incident where you touched another bloke? And that is why he has behaved like that. Either way, your partner should have your back and he doesn't seem to. I think this is a big red flag, sorry.

@BiscuitDrama oh, it's horrible isn't it. It always makes me feel really rubbish and unsure of myself.

@crappyday2018 I hadn't even thought of that! He doesn't seem to be a jealous person but I suppose you never know. And yeah, he isn't coming across very supportive at all and that's the point I made to him. I feel like a normal reacting would have been 'Oh, that's shite are you alright?' Then maybe question 'do you think x behaved in that way because of bla bla?' But he didn't even mention me at all!

I agree, he doesnt sound very supportive and if you are already scared to talk to him about certain topics then what's the point in continuing this relationship? Your partner is supposed to be your friend, your confidante and your rock, not someone who snipes at you at makes you feel like shit. I also get the feeling he was jealous you touched another man.

The silent treatment is emotional abuse and if you're walking on eggshells then its usually a big sign you are being emotionally abused. I would suggest reading up on covert narcissistic abuse and see if you can recognise any of the signs. He sounds very much like one of my ex narcs, he couldn't bare even the slightest bit of constructive criticism, even if I put it in the nicest way possible and he would become irrationally angry (narcissistic rage) and shout.

I dont like the sound of this guy

Oh and hes also gaslighting you by telling you hes glad you say how you feel but when you actually do, he throws it back in your face and makes you feel like shit.

This is classic emotional abuse and I would run from this guy

Run for the hills.

It always makes me feel really rubbish and unsure of myself.

That's not normal and it's not good for you. Get out while you can. Nobody should make you feel like this.

Run

@Lockcodger oh dear, I've just had a quick look online about covert narcissism and some of it does vaguely ring a bell

I feel like more than his behaviour worries me, it's my own reaction to it that concerns me. I've never been like this with anyone but I definitely bow down to his quiet anger and always end up convincing myself that I've been moany and out of order.

As he wasn’t there to fully see what happened, he might well be looking at it from a different view and possibly projecting how he would feel about being the person in the situation. However, considering you’ve only been seeing him for six months and clearly had a number of disagreements in that time, I’d finish things and move on.

From another perspective, dealing with the incident you mention, I'd say something like that, to try understand the odd/angry behaviour of the man you touched. It would be meant as reassurance and to aid discussion, but I can see how it could be misconstrued. We all see things differently. Only you know if it's part of a pattern or if said with malice.

He just sounds extremely analytical. I am the same. I see reasons behind someone's behaviour which explains what they have done rather than reacting to behaviour 95 percent of the time. It makes me extremely rational and absolutely maddening to argue with. I am not a narcissist or cold. I can't help it.

I see this as a good reason to walk away. It won't get better...only worse.

DH can be a bit like this. Ignoring and over focuses on other ppl in my presence when he's not talking to me.

Had I seen such behaviour before marriage, I wouldn't have married him.

"I am frightened to say anything negative to him."

Read that sentence back and imagine your best friend or wee sister had said it to you. What would you tell them to do?

@madeofstarlight, that's how narcissists make you feel, like you are in the wrong and feel bad for becoming upset even though they are the ones who made you upset. Its very subtle.

Heres a really good video on narcissistic manipulation tactics

I can see how from your holidat example it could just be seen as rational thinking, he may have just been trying to calm you down so as to not ruin your holiday.

However rational people dont give the silent treatment when you dont agree with them, they dont become angry at you if you become upset, in fact normal people would apologise for the difference of opinion and they would validate your feelings (even if they dont agree with them).

OP, I spent the whole of my late teen, 20's and early 30's in relationships like this and I wish I had learned when to walk away. If you stay with this man, the fire and no nonsense approach you have right now will slowly fade into a shadow of your former self. Please educate yourself on how to spot emotional abuse and learn to walk away at the first sign of it. Also, always always trust your gut. Yours is telling you this man does not care for you which is why you posted. Please listen to that feeling as it is never wrong. I wish I had

Thanks for all the replies everyone, I've got quite a lot to think about.

@Lockcodger Thanks for all that, it's really insightful and I'm sorry you've been through all that! I'll definitely watch that video x

Best of luck OP

It’s a bit of a Mumsnet cliche, but it’s true - if you want to know what a man is really like, disagree with him or say No to him. About anything, even something trivial, and observe his reaction.
I think you’ve already found your answer, haven’t you, OP.
This chap can’t tolerate you having any different opinion to him, and if you stay with him you will spend a lifetime “placating” him, walking on eggshells, suppressing your own personality, wishes, opinions and needs, until there is nothing of you left.
Run. Now.

I think it's at the very least an amber flag. Some people essentially use this sort of behaviour as a way to "train" others not to rock the boat or disagree with them. If you find yourself not speaking your truth because you don't want to risk the silent treatment, you are in a bad situation.

I've bee there myself and it's horrible. I'd raise a concern that I thought valid/tell them I was hurt etc then get the silent treatment, and by the time they talked to me again I'd be so grateful for that I would so often end up either a) apologise for something that wasn't my fault, and/or b) never raise the initial issue again because I didn't want to risk another weird conversation.

The worst part though wasn't that, it was how I would lose dignity in my desperate attempts to break down the stonewall. Messaging too often, begging, anger - lots of things to make it stop, to get him to talk to me again. In a way it was this that hurt my self-worth more than the stonewalling itself as it made me feel ashamed at myself and my behaviour and that was horrible.

Apparently the silent treatment is a reliable predictor of divorce and this doesn't surprise me for these reasons.

I’d say he doesn’t understand how to process his own emotions. People who never learned how to deal with anger or disappointment just shut it down, they can’t bear it in other people either. His response should have been ‘wow that sounds upsetting for you, are you ok?
I would find someone else, especially if you want children. Parents who can’t help their children to understand and experience emotion are very damaging.
You’re right, it’s a red flag, sorry x

@NewDayHasBegun what you said about losing your dignity really struck a chord with me and it's that that bothers me the most. I don't like who I become when he acts this way. I become this meek and mild woman, desperate to please and it's not me.

Thanks to everyone who's replied, it's really helpful to get an outsiders opinion. He still hasn't contacted me and all this happened about 3 o'clock yesterday afternoon but I'm determined not to contact him again and enjoy my holiday.

It's hard isn't it?

I heard this quote once: Does this situation make you feel more like yourself or less like yourself?

When you are stuck in a corner and the only way out is to feel like less than yourself, it's time to find a new wall to stand against x

It's hard though isn't it?

Yes, everything you wrote is a red flag. 6 months in it should be wonderful but you don't like who you have to become to stay with him...massive warning bells. There are many dysfunctional men around and if you stay you risk that it becomes your normal. There are decent guys out there but you need to dump this one so you can be free to meet a good one. Never hang about once a man doesn't treat you right..I have done it (made excuses for them) and ended up in a highly abusive marriage.

What do you know about his childhood?

From what he's told me it was quite tumultuous. His mother and father would physically fight each other, usually instigated by him mum. His dad left after a bad fight when he was a young teen and he hasn't seen him since. He spent a lot of time with his grandparents and is still really close with them. So I've wondered is it that he doesn't want to engage in an argument because he's scared of it turning violent like his parents?

Oh that was @lifebegins50