Very cold during disagreements - red flag?

[madeofstarlight]

Hi everyone, just looking for some impartial opinions.

So I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months and I've noticed that when we have a disagreement he goes very cold towards me even when I'm trying to be calm and diffuse the situation.

So, as an example I'm on holiday just now with my family and a couple of my younger sisters friends. I'm mid 20s, them late teens/early 20s. Last night we went for dinner and when crossing a busy road a scooter started speeding up so I touched my sisters friends arm and said 'oh, X watch yourself'. I don't know if he got a fright or what but he totally flipped and layed into me. Everyone with us has agreed it was absolutely out of order and had a word with him and agreed if I hadn't alerted him he would have been run over as he was in a total daydream.

I texted my bf about it today to tell him what happened/ get a bit of sympathy from him because it's shaken me a bit and made me feel a bit awkward. He replied saying maybe X reacted like that because he doesn't like random touches' and didn't ask if I was ok or show any concern at all for me. I explained that it's not the case as I've known X for a few years and never experienced anything like it with him but my sister had mentioned he's turned on her in a similar way. I also mentioned it was strange that his first reaction was to make excuses for X rather than see how I was. He then started talking down to me saying he was looking at it with a rational mind (insinuating I was being irrational?) and that he was trying to save the holiday and find a solution but he wouldn''fucking bother next time'. I messaged back saying I understand he was just trying to calm me down but I had just been looking for a bit of moral support and didn't want us to have a falling out. He's ignored me since.

This isn't the only time he's been like this, any time I've voiced something that's upset me he behaves like this. Goes very cold, insists that I'm being irrational and taking things the wrong way even though I'm trying to keep the peace. He then makes up with me and says he is glad I voice what I feel rather than holding things in but the way he behaves is making me frightened to say anything negative to him. I feel like he takes everything I say as an attack unless it's 100% positive.

I'm starting to wonder if this is good for me as I am usually a very fiery person, don't let anyone walk over me etc but I've noticed that I bow down to him when he behaves like this. It's like I panic and don't want to fall out so just try and sweep it under the carpet and try to placate him. But after this happening a few times now I'm starting to feel annoyed that I'm sacrificing my feelings/burying my concerns so that he doesn't feel attacked.

Do you think this is a red flag that he maybe isn't the njce guy he usually seems to be? Or is it just a case of he deals with disagreements differently than I would? Admittedly I like to hash things out and quickly put it to bed, I don't like to draw things out but maybe that's just not for everyone?

I also just want to note that it's never over anything serious, it'll be situations that I would consider to be a minor hiccup or disagreement but he takes it so personally that it becomes a big thing. I make sure to speak very calmly and be vulnerable to him and I feel like where other people would soften and be like 'ok sorry I made you feel this way but it upset/annoyed me when you did this...' he just goes very icy.

Wow he is no doubt very, very troubled and will have an extremely negative impact on you if you continue a relationship with him.

Please tell us you’ve seen the light and will end things with him?

OP don't try to excuse his behaviour because of his childhood. Its so easy to do this and then you convince yourself its not really his fault he's like that. He's an adult now and its up to him to sort out any emotional issues he's been left with.
Life is too short, its only been 6 months.Move on and find someone you can be your true self with.

Thanks for the advice guys. I know he can't use his upbringing as an excuse. I've not spoken to him today but don't want to end things with him while I'm away, I think that's a face to face conversation. But I'm starting to realise there's not much hope for the relationship. Very sad about it though.

I think it's probably more to do with the fact that you're contacting him from your holiday and you just want to talk about another man and how he's made you feel.
I also think you're taking X's reaction way too personally - don't let it upset you.

Upbringing isn't an excuse rather it can give an insight.

My advice to younger people is take heed of the potential partner's parents' relationship.

It shouldn't feel so fraught at this stage. And certainly If things aren't adjusting satisfactorily and you can't work out how to be together respectfully then no point getting in deeper.

Sorry, I don't think I fully understood the OP because I kept thinking that it's a strange text conversation to have with a boyfriend of 6 months. Quite heavy and needy. It was a bit of a non-incident in that you can distance yourself from this young, rude man, who is a friend of your sister. After this holiday you never have to see him and your boyfriend probably doesn't even know him. It would be like me texting to an absent boyfriend that a server in the local shop had been rude to me. I wouldn't think to text someone that.
As well as looking at his character, I suggest you look at your own communication style and previous relationships. Are you needy for emotional support from new boyfriends, or like to discuss things in detail by text?
He might be a narcissist and there might be red flags, or you might just have very different communication styles and expectations.

I agree with others who have said leave him.

My H has done this all our married life. It's a form of gaslighting and will only get worse. In my H's case, he never takes my side, will always go with the others point of view and when I say anything, completely shuts the conversation down saying he's not going to argue about this.

Don't let it get to the stage where it becomes difficult to walk away (for other reasons) like I have.

OP, he sounds like an mean, abusive person.

You have had two men be deeply unpleasant to you in the last few days.

Is this what you want more of in your future?

I wouldn't spend anymore time mulling over him. Get rid.

However, I would take a look at your own boundaries, because you have been putting up with this and adapting your own behaviour to accommodate his abuse.

Focus on yourself.

Good luck.

Sorry, I didn't make it clear in the post as it wasn't really the point of what I was talking about but I first met X as my sisters friend but over the years he has become a close family friend. Comes to my birthday celebrations etc. So that's why it was a shock and upsetting. My boyfriend has also met him a fair few times so it wasn't like texting about a random shop assistant.

I also texted because we're all staying in an apartment and I couldn't get privacy to phone him before he started his shift. I would usually phone.

The reason that I asked about his childhood is because it will be how he has learned to handle conflict and differing opinions.

It's not that he is scared of conflict but that he is responding in the way his parents did.

It absolutely doesn't surprise me that his mum was (or he perceived his mum) to be abusive. Same with Ex, an narcissistic mum but distant Dad. He also witnessed his parents rows turn violent. Outwardly they were middle class so they had to hide the abuse. His mother stamped on any dissent so Ex learned covert tactics to punish her and retaliate.. These skills were instinctic and mostly subconscious but gaslighting, passive aggression and manipulation were his standard tools.
Underneath I learnt Ex hated women, so again it doesn't surprise me that he would not back you up in a dispute with a male friend.

Some people can recover from an abusive childhood and learn new skills, others just replicate the model they witnessed as children. Science doesnt seem to explain why that is the case, maybe genetics play a larger part. Ex's mum was completely irrational and clearly disordered.. her sister was fine. Ex is more affected by his childhood than his siblings.

Ex adored me from the outset (now know it was idealisation) then he started to devalue, very subtle comments that I couldn't quite complain about but left me feeling uneasy. This cycle continued until the devaluing was full on and nice behaviour was limited.
Ex had counselling but even a year of sessions does not touch such ingrained behaviours, mostly because he had to face up to the fact that he wasn't a nice person.
There is also a theory that poor parenting at a young age alters the brain structure so it is wired differently and the area that handles empathy has not developed sufficiently.

Does he have a good relationship with the mother of his children?

Better to be sad about ending it than waste time in a negative relationship, making excuses for him and dragging it out because detaching feels so hard (and detaching always feels hard). Then if you leave it too long the sunk loss fallacy kicks in and you stay longer. And hey presto you’ve ruined a big chunk of your life.

Take control.

@lifebegins50 a lot of what you said about the start of your relationship has struck a chord with me. Initially he was very invested while I was just seeing how things went and I do remember worrying he was putting me on a pedestal but then things were going well so I forgot about it. Now it seems like he's slowly been withdrawing all that adoration and I'm tying myself in knots trying to keep him happy.

He doesn't have children, neither of us do. Not sure if I've mistyped something. However, he did mention his last ex wasn't very nice. Would constantly say horrible things to him, send him loads of abusive texts etc but he told me it so matter of factly that I believed it. He didn't say all the usual my ex was a psycho, a bitch bla bla that I would usually look out for. But now I'm wondering if she was just a normal girl trying to voice her concerns and he was taking it all that way and I'll be the next horrible ex who was always being nasty to him. Or maybe she was horrible and it's made him extra sensitive to criticism, I'll never know I suppose.

You've only been dating six months. You can definitely break up by text from holiday. You don't have to go full character assassination you know, you can just say in text, by phone or in person "I've realised this relationship doesn't make me happy so I am ending it. I wish you all the best for the future." There's no big long row or chat to be had. Quick exit. No accusations. It's me, I'm not happy. No negotiations. Nobody promises personality change. Bye.

I still think he's a narcissist.

Putting you on a pedestal at the beginning of a relationship is what narcissists do. They idealise you and tell you how wonderful everything about you is but none of it is genuine because they cant possibly know you well enough yet. Covert narcs lovebombing is often more subtle than overts.

Not all narcs say their ex is a psycho, but saying she is abusive is common. She was probably driven to an absolute rage by his gaslighting and silent treatment and then he gets to turn around and say 'see how horrible she is to me' but the whole time he was pulling the strings behind the scenes.

This is the MO or a covert narc. Use passive aggressive tactics, gaslighting, stonewalling, silent treatment which eventually will push you over the edge and you will have a reaction which they then label as abusive.

He is already using emotional abuse on you. You can already feel yourself backing down because of this and changing your normal response to things. That means his abuse is working! You are only 6 months in, imagine how life will be a few years in.

You seem like an intelligent, thoughtful and kind person and you have your whole life ahead of you. He is already making you feel like shit on a holiday, he is impacting your everyday life and sucking away your joy.

You dont owe him a face to face break up. He will just use this opportunity to manipulate you more and will probably say anything you want to hear to get you back. He has done this in the past (saying hes glad you opened up to him) but things dont change do they?

Please just block and delete this loser. You can do so much better xx

And dont put too much weight on what he said about his childhood. Narcs are pathological liars. Even if what he said was true, you are walking a very dangerous path to try and 'fix' him or just explain things in a way he would understand and then all will be great.

This is how every abusive relationship starts and why so many women dont walk away at the first sign of trouble.

If you want to know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship, its exactly how you are feeling now. That walking on eggshells feeling you have. Yes it is sad when any relationship ends but I promise in a few weeks you will be able to see what a horrible person you have let into your life. Men like this often only reveal their true colours when you end the relationship and they know there is no going back. What is behind the mask is very scary and you will wonder one day why you agonized over leaving.

I have a feeling this guy will harrass you when you end it so blocking is so important.

Having just escaped a covert narcissist and having read many books on NPD, I would run a mile. It is lack of empathy you are seeing here, plus gaslighting and slow but sure erosion of your self esteem.

@madeofstarlight sorry, thought he had DC.

Ex never once made direct criticism about his previous Ex, it was all veiled so that I built up a picture in my head. Whenever I asked him about his responsibility in the break up I never got a straight answer. I wish I had pushed that point. Self reflection and responsibility is vital.

I can now see that he absolutely would have treated his Ex the same as he did me but I suspect she was much more expressive and vulnerable so had more outbursts.
I know for a fact he labels me abusive and I think he believes it. By the end if I said No to him it caused him to react because he genuinely felt it was abusive. This was due to his sense of entitlement and control.

Of course he wasn't bad all the time, we shared very similar interests and were physically compatible which is why it is such a head fuck...but the trend was always downwards.

I didn't know about covert NPD until after we separated, I was naive to ths terms of stonewalling & gaslighting. Narcisstics were, in my mind Trump type characters, easily identifiable and ex was not like that. The first few years I did spot subtle red flags however there was more good than bad but once we were committed the mask dropped. Outwardly he appeared wonderful and everyone thought I had the perfect husband.

He is now with someone else and I know he will appear perfect because he is, when he believes YOU are perfect however as soon as you deviate from the script the devaluing starts. In his mind you are just like all those other women and it makes him very angry..poor him, he keeps meeting horrible women who let him down.

None of us know what your bf is like but you are worried enough to post on a forum, none of my friends or family in "normal" relationships feel the need to do that. That is a big indicator. Your instinct is working for you. Those of us who ended up walking on eggshells know that we ignored our instincts. It is the biggest life lesson I would pass on to any woman.

Your partner should have your back, never settle for less.

Totally agree with never ignore your instincts.

Remember too that splitting up isn't done by public votes or in a court of law. Nobody has a veto. You can split up whenever you like just because it feels a bit off even though you can't quite put your finger on why but you just don't feel like your confident self any more. How the other person feels about it is irrelevant. Harsh if you are on the receiving end of being dumped. But true.

You don't have to share the "real reason" for breaking up with anyone either. Not your partner, not your mum, not your best mate, not anyone. "It just wasn't working for me. I wasn't feeling it for him/her." Or "Yeah I suppose it did look like a great match from a distance but I just didn't find it made me happy. Funny old thing is love, no logic to it."

Ugh this is stonewalling , it’s emotional abuse and it’s done in order to control you so you don’t feel like you can challenge , hence the feelings you are having around not feeling you want to raise things with him. My ex used to do this. I began to feel like I was walking on egg shells , he wouldn’t talk to me for three days at a time . He was a narcissist and I think your chap has traits too. I wouldn’t hang about with him OP . Give it a year and your confidence will be eroded, ltb x

I’m being given the silent treatment at present from my former best friend as well so understand so totally how it feels.

It’s a form of torture. If they messaged and said ‘I don’t want to see you’ I would probably have a wee cry and move on. If they responded to my messages, great. It’s the not knowing that’s hard.