Work colleague and nights out

[54zoolane]

I've been dating a work colleague for about a month. Before we started dating we got close for about two months. We usually see each other once a week and do something just the two of us, which works fine for me.

He made it clear he wanted to take it slow as he just came out of a long relationship. I've been single for that same amount of time. It's been working ok and I'm confident he isn't texting anyone else. Feels too soon to define anything.

The problem is that we are awful on work nights out. My office is very sociable and he is a bad drunk (he admits this) and say some nasty things which he later apologises for. We haven't told colleagues about our dating therefore I find it hard when others flirt with him. This happened last night and as I was drunk I called him out on it, we had a big row and I ended up going home.

How do we avoid this in the future? When we're alone he is kind, funny, attentive, interesting and seems very into me.

If he can't get drunk without saying nasty things, he shouldn't drink. Sorry to sound blunt, but I don't see what else you can expect people to say. People who get drunk and become unpleasant, then think a later apology makes it all OK are, at best, a nuisance. It's something that might be forgivable as a one-off, but you say he 'admits' he is a 'bad drunk' so he knows what will happen before he starts drinking.

If he can't control himself when he's drunk, the only answer is for him to control his drinking.

Were you planning on never going out with anyone else ever again? Never being near him when he's drunk?

It doesn't sound like much of a relationship, that he's a nasty arse when he's drunk and you are out with other people.

Is it just him who is a nasty drunk, or you too?

Either way, it sounds toxic. Remember you've still got to work together when things go wrong, and on what you've said, they definitely will.

You could avoid it by both not having too much to drink.

I wouldn't date a nasty drunk.

Don't think either of you is ready

A nasty drunk? What does he say to you? Why is this even an issue? Get rid!

Mixing work, a relationship and a nasty drunk is a recipe for disaster.

Brand new relationship? His biggest drunk crime should be accidentally telling everyone he's in love with you and trying to snog your face off. Bin him.

Who is he nasty to ?

How would you see this improving if your relationship was out in the open?

He could have said to those other girls he was seeing somebody without outing your relationship but he obviously enjoyed the attention...and he's a nasty drunk. Nah, dump. He's gonna be nothing but drama in the long run.

Nasty drunk usually means nasty person who's filter has just been removed

Nasty drunk usually means nasty person who's filter has just been removed

Yup, or who just uses drink as an excuse to actually be his real self and blame it on the booze 'removing his filter'.

when others flirt with him.

How does he react? If he flirts back and claims it was only because he was drinking, I'd sack him off.

If he is nasty when he drinks, why would you want to be with him?

OP, do you really think the best you can hope for is a Nasty drunk???

Really. At the beginning of a relationship.

Why would you attempt to go down such an awful road unnecessarily?

Nobody in your office knows yet. Kill it now.

If he's a mean drunk and he knows he's a mean drunk, why does he keep drinking?

After two months of getting close and a month of dating you should be sending out the sort of vibes that make workmates ask ‘what’s going on with you two wink wink’.

Not this.

Ugh, ditch him

So he has a problem with drink and his “lets take it slow” means “let’s see each other once a week, have sex and not tell anybody about us”

I don’t think he’s that into you OP.

Ok we both decided we wouldn't tell anyone as at work, it always caused lots of gossip that we don't want (I have dated another colleague). We have both told all of our friends etc.

Basically when he gets very drunk he is quite tactile with other people and me (I would have thought it is quite obvious something is going on between us). But he also tries to start 'meaningful' conversations and can be a little bit cruel - eg telling me he really likes me but isn't sure yet If I'm marriage material - fair enough after a month obviously. When he sobers up he is normally very apologetic about what has been said. He does have form for being a horrible drunk to the point where his friends warned me.

In all other aspects I really like him. Perhaps the solution is to avoid work nights out to focus on other areas of my social life.

I think if his friends are warning you ... red flag!

I'm sorry @54zoolane but .... ugh

when he gets very drunk he is quite tactile with other people and me (I would have thought it is quite obvious something is going on between us)

Is he differently 'tactile' with you than with the others ? People are seeing you accept this along with others, why would they think that your relationship is "special"

he really likes me but isn't sure yet If I'm marriage material - fair enough

Ugh, ugh, ugh

What are you thinking, being in a relationship with this man? It would be fair enough if he were wondering whether he is good enough for you, or really deserves you but the question is marriage material ?

Really????

So ok to &/;4 but not sure about long term ?

Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally ?

Your relationship is good other than this ?

Oh, please, OP , in the words of that famous MN saying , when someone tells you who they are, please believe them.

For example, he apologies after doing something (being nasty when drunk) then goes and does it again - that ain't no apology.