Work colleague and nights out

[54zoolane]

I've been dating a work colleague for about a month. Before we started dating we got close for about two months. We usually see each other once a week and do something just the two of us, which works fine for me.

He made it clear he wanted to take it slow as he just came out of a long relationship. I've been single for that same amount of time. It's been working ok and I'm confident he isn't texting anyone else. Feels too soon to define anything.

The problem is that we are awful on work nights out. My office is very sociable and he is a bad drunk (he admits this) and say some nasty things which he later apologises for. We haven't told colleagues about our dating therefore I find it hard when others flirt with him. This happened last night and as I was drunk I called him out on it, we had a big row and I ended up going home.

How do we avoid this in the future? When we're alone he is kind, funny, attentive, interesting and seems very into me.

Sounds awful, I would end this asap.

I know that you weren't expecting these comments OP - and that they're definitely not what you want to hear but if you could only just read your posts with a unbiased gaze.. he's really not into you at all. No matter what you think or what he says.

What do your friends think of him? I imagine that they're looking on in dismay trying hard to like him and wondering what on earth is wrong with your esteem that you'd put up with this treatment of you.

It's clear that you like him a lot, you take great pains to state that all decisions (ie. not telling people) are joint decisions but I don't believe that they are. They're his decisions and you will like it or lump it, he doesn't care one way or the other.

Sorry OP, pull back with a view to ending it because there's nowhere good for this to go.

Tactile with others? So is he all over other women you work with too?

Sorry, but I'd be running for the hills. Truth tends to come out when alcohol is involved.

When a man shows you who he is.... PAY ATTENTION!

I mean, that's your solution? Don't be around him when he's drunk? Seriously? How's that gonna work? How is that sustainable?

And are you a Mum OP? Your username is from cbeebies.

The answer is to stop going out with him full stop - he's a dickhead.

Make your life easier in the future too by not getting into relationships with colleagues. Best bit of advice I had, when I started work 'Don't shit on your own doorstep '

He’s lukewarm with you at best.

He’s a nasty drunk.

His friends have warned you about him.

You work with him. And you think your colleagues honestly don’t know somethings going on?

This will all end in tears - yours, not his.

I know he's a dick when he's drunk but aren't lots of people?

In his defence I wouldn't actually say he is 'lukewarm'. We've only been dating a month, I'm not expecting us to be in love. It was my suggestion to keep it a secret actually, as I've dated a colleague before. He has told his line manager.

Ok . Obviously not liking what you are hearing/ reading.
It has only been one month. No need for it to be longer.

I know some people that don't drink because they know what they are like if they do .

Look if hes a nasty drunk now what's he going to be like when hes living with you etc? Hes going to be abusing you, that's what's going to happen. Tell him its over Op before you end up getting seriously knocked about by him.

*I know he's a dick when he's drunk but aren't lots of people?
*
If you're happy with your partner being a duck TO YOU when hens drunk then crack on. You're obviously not getting the replies you want here.

A dick, not a duck!

It sounds like this has happened on numerous occasions now.

If he had have said this nasty stuff once and apologised, still not good, but you could think he was being a tit because he was drunk.

To say the same kind of things repeatedly, when he's had a drink, he really does mean it.

He doesn't see you as a long-term thing and you are just filling a hole until someone her deems 'marriage material', comes along.

Just dump the arsehole and save yourself some heartache further down the line.

what are you thinking dating such a complete arsehole?

run FAR FAR AWAY!!

also your comment about lots of people being nasty drunks - er, no. Have you dated a lot of guys who claim to be nasty drunks? They're just nasty full stop.

and yes, some people, men and women, are dicks when drunk. IME they are usually dicks IRL too. I've stopped going anywhere with my best mate's sister because she's always a nasty drunk. I do not need that in my life!

How do we avoid this in the future?

He was flirty and ‘tactile’ with other women? He informed you that you might not be ‘marriage material’? I wouldn’t minimize this disrespect by blaming alcohol.

You can avoid this contemptuous treatment by ending things.

I know he's a dick when he's drunk but aren't lots of people?

Maybe the people you hang around with, yes.

It’s clear from your response that you are prepared to tolerate that behaviour, so maybe that’s why you attract people like that? They gravitate towards people that’ll put up with it.

OP, you said you/he haven't told any colleagues - and now you're saying that he's told his line manager? Does that even make sense to you? It doesn't to me and I don't believe that he's told them at all.

It's been a month, that's no time at all to 'go public' particularly if a 'joint decision' has been made to tell nobody.

I wish you clarity because everything you've written (and I expect there's more) says exactly what he thinks of you (he flirts with other women in front of you, tells you you're "not marriage material" and that you know it really. There's no future in this.