How should I feel about my husband?

[TickTock99]

I’m really confused. Been married for 10 years with 2 young children. Been together 15 years.

How am I supposed to feel about my husband? I’m not sure what’s normal and what’s not.

We’re going through a difficult time and are considering separating but I don’t know if I just have unrealistic expectations about what married life is like. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel after 10-15 years.

Wise ladies of MN can you help me get some clarity please. Thanks.

Surely how the average person would feel is irrelevant? It's how you feel that counts.

What do you feel?

My heart still flips when I see mine . Been married 21 years . Some days he drives me totally potty and other days we laugh like teenagers. Ultimately he's my best friend and I wouldn't swap him for the world.

If you don't feel anything remotely like that about yours - it could be the shine has come off your relationship and you both need to put some work into it ?

Hopefully you feel a deep connection and a real partnership. That you are still heading into the future with the same goals for your family. That you have your best friend to talk to and share the good bad and ugly parts of life with. Rough patches are normal - when you can’t seem to communicate and get frustrated with each other. But underneath you know you still feel deeply for this person and couldn’t imagine being without them.
Is it your relationship or general dissatisfaction with your life?

What you feel is all that matters but don’t throw away a marriage and two children together unless you are really sure.

For all the butterflies there will be plenty of couple in the muddle along category and it can get better when the kids get older

I don’t feel butterflies any more, but I wouldn’t want to be with any one else. I am so comfortable with him, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel special and vice versa. I can’t imagine my life without him.

Why dont you try Counselling?,that would be helpful for you to decide where you are and whether its over or not .When you have been married a long time feelings can change ,sometimes its easier to seperate sometimes not .If you feel confused thats natural.

why not try counselling, this will help clarify your feelings one way or another for you .

Sorry posted twice by mistake !

With your hands ;-) .

I don't think anyone can say how you are "supposed" to feel. How do you feel ? How does he feel?

I adore my husband we have been together 14 years, I still get butterflies if he's had a heavy workload and we haven't had as much time together as usual. Not as much "ripping off" of clothes as before our son, more scheduled quickly taking off 😳😳
He drives me crazy some times (not always in a bad way) but we are honest and open about it, we can be ourselves and we love eachother for who we are.

I couldn't imagine being without him, nor would I want to, he is the only one for me.

I know relationships that have never been butterflies and rip your clothes off chemistry, but they have a deep love for one another and wouldn't swap them for the world.

Every relationship is different, but if you are looking at separating is it worth speaking to marriage counsellors first, explore every option first, revitalise the relationship and remembering why you first fell in love

I think the best questions to ask yourself are:

1. Do I feel lonely?
2. How would I feel if DH suddenly left me/died;
3. Do you enjoy spending time together - just you, doing something you enjoy together?

I suffer from 'relationship ambivalence' but can always say the answer to 1 is I have never felt lonely in this relationship. I would be devastated by 2, and for 3 the answer is yes.

The book 'Too bad to stay, good to leave' is useful. (Think that's the title anyway!).

I find the feelings really ebb and flow for me, but I am like that about everything.

I don't find the stomach-flipping type comments particularly helpful personally, I think there is a huge spectrum of relationships and not everyone is lucky enough to feel that way but it doesn't mean it's wrong!

I agree with Bugga

Not everyone is the kind of person that has stomach flips forever. I've never had a relationship where I still get stomach flips after the first six or seven months.

I'm absolutely certain that this isn't a reflection of those relationships or my current marriage but is because I'm just not the kind of person to be like that once the initial excitement wears off.

I think Bugga's three questions are a good starting point.

FuriousVexation true but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or silly.

category12 I like him as a person. I’m struggling with feeling sexually attracted at the moment but he’s a good looking guy. I don’t hurry home to him. If he’s working from home on a day that I expect to be home alone then I feel disappointed. I think he’s intelligent, he’s an amazing Dad. He’s not the first person I want to call with good or bad news. If he had an affair I don’t think I would be heartbroken. I’m very confused.

Maybe expand on what is happening and how you currently feel? You're not giving us much to go on here!

Sorry OP crosspost with your second post

Is it your relationship or general dissatisfaction with your life? It’s definitely the relationship. I’m happy with my job, my children, my friendships, etc.

We did have some counselling but it didn’t really help.

Could there be hormonal factors at play? I am mid forties and finding my sex drive is fluctuating wildly at the moment! One of my close friends says she is similar.
Do you have sexual feelings towards anyone else?
In terms of wanting to be alone, I totally crave that but don't think it's personal to DP as such. I tell him I wish he'd go out more!

1. Do I feel lonely?
Not really but that’s probably because I have 2 young children and work so don’t have time to be lonely. But I have a couple of male friends who I’m close to and I think wouldn’t it be amazing to have that connection that I have with them but with a partner who I’m really attracted to.

2. How would I feel if DH suddenly left me/died
I would survive.

3. Do you enjoy spending time together - just you, doing something you enjoy together?
Yes I do. We get on well.

I think there’s a big hormonal thing at play but yes, I am attracted to others. I feel ashamed to say that.

I think wouldn’t it be amazing to have that connection that I have with them but with a partner who I’m really attracted to.

I know what you mean. I don't think everyone finds that one person who meets all their needs; I think it's rare and that most of us muddle through because we've made a family together and there is no guarantee of something better if you pack it in. That sounds a bit defeatist, I obviously mean if there is a basic level of attraction, respect, shared humour and values then it's probably worth sticking with and there will be ups and downs.

I'm reading responses with interest. DH and I have been together 16 years, married for 9. I struggle massively with how to see him. He's so domesticated and great with DC and does make me laugh and supports me but I think I must have a warped idea of what's sexy because the two sides just won't line up for me. I suspect the kind of men I want to sleep with would make shite DHs though. So I appreciate how lucky I am in all other ways.

I think it’s quite sad that your answer to if he left/died you would survive. That’s not a good sign.