Crushing realisations about my relationship with husband

[AbsoluteConfusion]

Deep breath - this may be long.

Been feeling uneasy and somewhat unhappy about my relationship with my husband for some time. Married over a decade. Two school age kids.

Relationship has been peppered with highs and lows. Periods of fun and joy, and periods when I'm stonewalled, silenced, ignored or downbeaten.

Husband has some career issues (desperate for high flying job but somehow never manages it) which were blamed on me. Secrecy about financial matters. Huge sensitivity to criticism. Grand gestures, big spender.

Anyway lately I learned that if I didn't rock the boat, apologised for any perceived slight, I could keep the peace. This has been exhausting, but it has worked.

A few months ago I became friends with another man, through a shared activity. We became close, enjoyed each other's company, shared stories. It began turning into an emotional affair, and as this happened I began to realise that I had been compensating so long for my husbands behaviour I hadnt even realised. Realised that my marriage was damaging me - and had been doing so for a long time. Decide that I need to find a way out. Not sure whether future with OM is what I am seeking, but understand that current situation is unsustainable. Relationship with OM still purely emotional.

Then the shit hits the fan - husband discovers messages shared with OM, confronts me and I explain the truth, pretty much as shared here. He apologises, begs us to try again, so I agree that we should find a professional to help us navigate this.

Well then Husband drops the bombshell that he thinks he might be a covert narcissist. I go away and read up on this, and it's like reading the story of my marriage. I am utterly devastated that I have been hooked into this for so long. My whole marriage feels like a sham, and I just want to get out. But he wants to change, get healed, get therapy. He falls apart whenever I say that we might not be together for ever. He says I'm the love of his life, he can't exist without me. He is breaking apart in front of my eyes and I'm terrified and I just don't know what to do.

He seems so sincere about wanting to get help.

I never set out to hurt anyone but I feel like I should be allowed to live and feel for myself again.

Can anyone hold my hand? I feel so torn apart.

Hmmm... difficult. I think in your position I would stand firm and split up. Not move in with OM but give yourself space. Husband has issues, working through them will be difficult for him, i am not sure how easy that will be on view of what has gone before.

In other words he will need a lot of support. You will also have to support your DCs. If he is serious he needs to show his mettle now and let you have some space.

If he came and told you that's what he thinks it is and he is sincere about searching for help maybe you should give him that chance, you fell in love with him for a reason back in the day and maybe that reason will find it's way back.. not saying it will be easy not saying it will work but the reason for you wanting to leave will be worked on by him and hopefully both of you. Give it a chance make compromises with your husband and talk things through...

Stop messaging the other man and work on your relationship if that is what you really want?! But maybe you're just looking for a way out ?

Thanks. I fear I am looking for a way out, as I feel that our relationship was built in a really dysfunctional way - now that I'm able to step back and look at things. Very intense at the start, not my usual type, quite overwhelming at the beginning in fact. A lot of the highs and lows feel like a rollercoaster of trying to please him, sometimes managing and sometimes failing.
I believe he might be able to heal but I don't know if the relationship can. But I'm terrified. Also scared of him, in case he tips over the edge.

You're not happy. Walk away. But sort yourself out first before going headlong into another relationship.

Life really is too short and too precious to spend it walking round on eggshells

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

You indeed never set out to hurt anyone but your H did and he targeted you. It is not possible to have any sort of a relationship with a narcissist and he has acted abusively towards you throughout your marriage, your third paragraph is a relationship detailing abuse along with great highs and deep lows which is also a feature of abusive relationships too.

Your emotional affair needs to end now if it has not already and is wrong but I can see why you were drawn to this other man because he is really nothing like your H. Two wrongs though do not make a right and you have perhaps used him as an exit affair partner.

You need to be on your own with your children and give yourself a chance to properly heal from your H's abuses rather than attach yourself to this other man now.

Let him therefore bloody well be "terrified" (he is terrified of losing you simply because you have been an empath and his codependent partner till now). They all promise change and it never happens, this is who he is and this is deeply ingrained within his own psyche. Look at his parents OP: it may well be that either one or even worse both of them act the same as their son has done.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what have they learnt here to date from the two of you?. Surely not this crap model of a relationship.

You do therefore need to stand firm and separate. If he is indeed a narcissist, such people also do not do well in therapy and he could well need years of it in any case, not mere months. I would consider counselling on your own (BACP are good) and certainly not with him present. Joint counselling is a non starter anyway and never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. I would also consider seeking legal advice sooner rather than later too. Your H is likely not going to be at all reasonable here re the whole process of separation.

Womens Aid would be worth contacting too as would be enrolling yourself onto their Freedom Programme.

The problem is, when patterns of behaviour are entrenched in a relationship, it is almost impossible to change them completely. You are used to treading on eggshells - would you really be able to be less passive without huge amounts of anxiety? Would he really be able to understand that for him to mend things, you would have to create new boundaries and enforce them?

I think this is over. I think you know this is over. I think what you want is permission to leave.

I would recommend being single for a while and staying away from OM. It is too easy to end up in a different-but-equally-unhealthy relationship when you are leaving a bad relationship. I would recommend doing the freedom programme to build up your boundaries.

Sounds like your h is only sad now he’s realised he’s losing you. If he hadn’t seen the messages, he’d have carried on as he was. So he’s not really sorry...

I think your relationship is dead.

Leave, but spend some time by yourself. Don’t jump into another relationship. Might be an idea to do the Freedom Programme.

AC

Your relationship with him is dysfunctional and subsequently became abusive from the early days and there are a lot of red flags re him you either minimised or simply did not recognise. Abusers do not walk around wearing "abuser" written on their forehead and many of them are convincing and otherwise plausible to those in the outside world. Your H is very much a wolf in sheeps clothing still and is adept anyway at telling you untruths.

This is who he is and he is not for changing nor anyone to heal him. You are NOT responsible for him when all is said and done. His actions are his sole choice, not yours to own and or otherwise carry for him. You can only help your own self ultimately along with your children and they also need a life free of them seeing abuse from their dad too.

You are being played.

If he is a covert narcissist then the tactics his is using now could be his default settings still trying to control you, how can you know he is being sincere when you've been brainwashed by him throughout your marriage.
Saying you are the love of his life and he can't exist without you, that's him still trying to control you by emotional blackmail.
I think you need to let the OM go though, you have enough on your plate now dealing with your marriage.

OP
If he is a narcissist, then he absolutely 100% is genuine about not wanting to lose you, wanting to get help.

For now.... and until the dust has settled.

Narcissists do this because THEY are uncomfortable, and they don't want to be uncomfortable. You have made things more difficult for him, and he cannot cope- narcissists have no emotional resilience.

It is NOT because they have remorse for your what they have done to you.

If you go back right away, nothing will change- after all he had you fooled for years. Narcissists are very very good at reading people, and manipulating, which SEEMS like change.

Perhaps a middle ground is for him to get counselling ( long term), and then re-assess.

Good luck

I was married to someone with obsessive compulsive personality disorder (IMO).

The main issue is a fundamental belief that they are right.

He was right about the fact he didn’t have it!

It was unbearable. I too sought emotional comfort elsewhere and it all blew up. We tried counselling but the counsellor was wrong in his view.

I left. Best decision ever but so hard at the time. My kids were little (5 and 4). Huge guilt. But life is amazing now and I have a wonderful, loving, emotionally supporting soon to be DH!

The fact that your DH is admitting he has an issue, and has clearly been doing research about it is so promising.

I would remember the good times and assist him in getting help to see if things can recover. He is trying and that is a huge, huge thing!!

AC

You need to be on your own with your children and without both your narcissistic H and other man in your day to day life. Your H I think is not sincere at all about seeking therapy and still tries to manipulate you as you have been throughout your entire marriage. As previously mentioned too narcissists are very poor therapy candidates and do not do well in therapy (mainly because they think there is nothing wrong with them).

Thank you all so much. This is what I needed to read, to help feel that I'm not just a complete cow who would break up her family.

Just going to need a hell of a lot of strength right now.

Agree that need to distance from OM. He has his own stuff to deal with and we have talked about needing space and I know I have to get myself and my kids into a healthy place before embarking on anything with anyone.

One good (or bad?) thing is that I am the breadwinner, and can be completely financially independent of course this is an incentive for me and a further disincentive for him.

Right now he has fixated on being the perfect husband and father and is fixing things that have been broken for years and doing household tasks he has literally never undertaken before.

@Attilathemeerkat - fantastic posts - spot on .
OP I’m really sorry this has happened- listen to Attila and the other posters ...
he 99.9% won’t change ...
get out of there and find peace of mind and happiness.
Living a life like yours is hell and drains the life out of you but by bit ...
Good luck ..
I’ve been there with a narcissistic person and it’s tough ..
( wish Attila had been my friend then ! )

However I’m out now ....it is a huge adjustment.. but I’m getting there .
Good luck

It will never change. It hasn't already so why should it now?

You are describing my ex to a T. Luckily I got out before I had children with him. If I'd have stayed with him I would have just had decades more of the same, as you have.

Every time we nearly split up there would be tears and promises and apparent "insight". But as soon as he was out of the woods he would revert back to his old ways. He was angry and cruel and non-communicative.

At what point do you say enough is enough?

Delighted to hear you are financially independent... the world is now your oyster x

"One good (or bad?) thing is that I am the breadwinner, and can be completely financially independent of course this is an incentive for me and a further disincentive for him."

Mine was bordering on cock-lodgery too. I had a decent career and salary, all he had was an elevated sense of self importance.

It makes it that much easier to get away, however the guilt can be bad, but push it to one side.

He's not a narcissist if he suspects he may be one.

I'm not going to flood your thread, brainwashing you with my opinions - if you want to go then go and god be with you and give you strength.

@TwistinMyMelon "cock-lodgery " - that's brilliant, you made me laugh 😂
I need a bit of that.

Your husband sounds in a bad place, deeply insecure and trying to cover everything with perception followed by wanting to be a "high flyer". I know and have known a lot of people that hide behind wealth or perceived Wealth and it ends badly sometimes even tragically. I think he needs help, professional help. As for you, it's difficult. You have a life to live but you also shouldn't abandon the ship as soon as it hits choppy waters, but if you spend a long time in choppy waters then it's a problem. If you have fallen out of love with him then there is little way back, I always say all relationships are based on compatibility and the level of compatibility ultimately determines the duration of the relationship. Yours perhaps has just simply run its course, but do not jump straight to the OM - you need your own space to get straight.

Narcissists don't change even with therapy.

If you want out, then take the steps to divorce.
Being with a narcissist for that long damages you and therapy would be needed. You're very vulnerable to other narcissists and other disordered people after being with a narc.

Please do the Freedom Programme too if you haven't already.

As for the OM, I would just leave it as an experience that there is more for you in life than an abusive relationship but I wouldn't continue with him. It really does take time to heal from being with a narc and adding someone else won't help you.

I'm not going to flood your thread, brainwashing you with my opinions - if you want to go then go and god be with you and give you strength

Huh?

OP
Did HE decide he is covert narcissist, or had he already gone to therapy, and that is what the therapist said?

I think what you have to realise is that narcissists are cold, bloodless people. They only think of themselves. They often simulate emotion but they do not feel empathy. What they are looking for is a receptacle for all their self loathing.

When their partners leave, they have to handle this self loathing themselves. They would do anything to avoid this. They absolutely need partners to carry the load.

If your partner is a narc, then not only does he need this like oxygen, but he will try and pull you back in because there is nothing they fear like being alone.

Do not go to therapy with a narc. You will spend your time emoting while he drinks it all in, enjoying the effects he has had on your life, and then learning about how these events might be used to make sure you never leave in future. That is the narc, one who makes you carry all his emotions, and enjoys the effect it has on you.

They aren’t worthy of relationships - they are parasitical on your money, self esteem, and finally they will treat you badly for putting up with them.

Don’t be fooled and get out now.