Crushing realisations about my relationship with husband

[AbsoluteConfusion]

Deep breath - this may be long.

Been feeling uneasy and somewhat unhappy about my relationship with my husband for some time. Married over a decade. Two school age kids.

Relationship has been peppered with highs and lows. Periods of fun and joy, and periods when I'm stonewalled, silenced, ignored or downbeaten.

Husband has some career issues (desperate for high flying job but somehow never manages it) which were blamed on me. Secrecy about financial matters. Huge sensitivity to criticism. Grand gestures, big spender.

Anyway lately I learned that if I didn't rock the boat, apologised for any perceived slight, I could keep the peace. This has been exhausting, but it has worked.

A few months ago I became friends with another man, through a shared activity. We became close, enjoyed each other's company, shared stories. It began turning into an emotional affair, and as this happened I began to realise that I had been compensating so long for my husbands behaviour I hadnt even realised. Realised that my marriage was damaging me - and had been doing so for a long time. Decide that I need to find a way out. Not sure whether future with OM is what I am seeking, but understand that current situation is unsustainable. Relationship with OM still purely emotional.

Then the shit hits the fan - husband discovers messages shared with OM, confronts me and I explain the truth, pretty much as shared here. He apologises, begs us to try again, so I agree that we should find a professional to help us navigate this.

Well then Husband drops the bombshell that he thinks he might be a covert narcissist. I go away and read up on this, and it's like reading the story of my marriage. I am utterly devastated that I have been hooked into this for so long. My whole marriage feels like a sham, and I just want to get out. But he wants to change, get healed, get therapy. He falls apart whenever I say that we might not be together for ever. He says I'm the love of his life, he can't exist without me. He is breaking apart in front of my eyes and I'm terrified and I just don't know what to do.

He seems so sincere about wanting to get help.

I never set out to hurt anyone but I feel like I should be allowed to live and feel for myself again.

Can anyone hold my hand? I feel so torn apart.

He believes he is a CN. And reading what I have been able to find about such people, it's all sounding dreadfully familiar. Parts of what I've read are like reading my own story.

I think regardless of whatever diagnosis that may be reached, I am clear that this is not a healthy relationship dynamic.

Have you got anyone in real life that you talk to about this? I think you need to get that support. I have a feeling that you cover for him and make excuses. You need to be able to hand over his behaviour to him. No excuses

If he is a narcissist and he's realised this and wants to change - great. For him. But you've lived a life being stifled and emotionally abused by him for literally decades and you should NOT feel responsible for standing by him while he tries and possibly fails to make any lasting changes to himself.

Not really, apart from my mum who, thank god, believes and supports me. I absolutely do need somebody in RL to help me make sense of this.

And yes, i do cover for his behaviour all the bloody time.

Even now, I am resorting to my old behaviour of not rocking the boat, just to keep some peace at home.

Last night I tried to be more honest and firm and he spiralled out of control very quickly.

Right now he has fixated on being the perfect husband and father and is fixing things that have been broken for years and doing household tasks he has literally never undertaken before

What a fucking insult.

Knew what needed doing, perfectly capable of doing it. Made an ACTIVE ONGOING choice to sit on his fat arse and watch you struggle. The only time he is able to step up (temporarily) is when he thinks he is losing his dogsbody.

Well there you go, re your last update. It’s time to say - about last night, I’ve spent 20 years pouring energy into trying to keep you happy and this family stable. I can’t do another minute of it. Last night shows it’s still what you expect of me. Maybe you can change, but we won’t be together while you work on that.

Oh god my ex would do that. Make a massive point of doing all these big tasks when he couldn't do the basics I.e. just be nice.

Mums can be brilliant. My parents believed me too even though I thought they wouldn't. They could tell I wasn't happy, timid even. And he made them uncomfortable by how he showered them with expensive gifts (even though he stopped paying his share of the bills).

......is fixing things that have been broken for years and doing household tasks he has literally never undertaken before.

Isn’t it amazing that he’s suddenly been able to do all these things. I wonder what motivated him to suddenly behave like a decent human being?

I couldn’t stay with someone who had been so uncaring towards me.

Thanks all. This means so much - you are helping in immeasurable ways.
Off on a few errands now.

Last night I tried to be more honest and firm and he spiralled out of control very quickly.

See it is not long before the mask slips...

Last night I tried to be more honest and firm and he spiralled out of control very quickly.

What did he do?

I think you have checked out of your marriage. The other guy has made you see that your relationship with your husband was not healthy. The dynamics are not normal. I would not stay if it were me. Let your husband sort his issues on his own and make the life you deserve without him. Just my thoughts, wishing you good luck.

If you have decided that splitting up is the right thing to do, (only speaking from my own experience...but) be very careful. Whilst he is still in this shocked, unbelieving phase, think through how you would like things to pan out, start planning and moving things forward. If you can get him to think that he should move out, then do so now, or you may find that he will stay as long as he can. I say this because at the moment you have a window of opportunity while he is still trying to keep you.... once he knows you are serious, I think he will change and will do exactly what suits him, no matter how it hurts you or the DCs.

If he is the type to get out of control then I recommend that you keep doing what you’re doing to keep the peace. In the meantime start making your plans. Think about getting the house valued and whether you will need to move or if you can buy him out. See a lawyer. Make sure you have all your documents safe. All those kind of things. Think if there is anyone else you can confide in. Get your plans under way; you don’t need to do it all at once, but you need to start thinking about what needs to be done.

Thanks - when I say spiralled out of control I mean he became hysterical, sobbing, said that he couldnt carry on without me and implied he would harm or kill himself, and left the house. I was terrified he'd harm himself, or us. Eventually I talked him down and he came home. But it was just awful.

More emotional manipulation from him, they often threaten or imply that they are going to kill themselves. He wanted you to be terrified. This is also a technique that abusive men employ in their arsenal against their intended target.

Seek legal advice and make plans asap to extricate yourself from this marriage and individual.

he won't harm himself he's too far up his own too important arse for that. he knows how to push your sympathy button and will play on that for emotional blackmail.
my 3rd ex, an alkie. was like this threatening to kill himself if i left. i knew exactly what he was doing and calmly said to do it if that's what made him happy. he never did, and died 13 years later from booze related damage.

he couldnt carry on without me and implied he would harm or kill himself, and left the house.

Oh here we go with the emotional manipulation! Men like that need intense ongoing therapy, they cannot just change. It is engraved in their personality.

If I was you, I be cutting my loses and end the relationship. Life is too short and you are in an fantastic position in not being fininicially tied to this man!

The threats...if he starts with that again, then call 999. Due to his mental health and the risk of harm, he may be sectioned.

You should not be putting this pressure on yourself. Next time he starts threating suicide and leaves the house, let him go and phone 999. Otherwise this will another form of manipulation.

Take the power back.

I very much doubt whether he will change, even if professional help is involved. I learnt the hard way that character flaws are all but impossible to alter and I echo the advice about getting out of this corrosive relationship.

A decision to keep trying serves to reinforce that fact that he has enough power over you to make you fall into line with his desires and needs.

Give yourself permission to leave him. That's the only permission you need.

Be careful, OP. He is abusive and he knows that you are close to leaving him. Please get advice from WA about keeping safe.

Don't it always seem to go that you don't know watchya got til it's (nearly) gone.

Don't buy it OP - a true narcissist will say anything they need to real you back in. Your emotional needs are real - you're not a bottomless pit. You'll know when your cup is full. He won't ever be able to fill it though.

Thanks all. Time to get my ducks in a row, methinks.
Also have my brother onside too, now 🙂

I agree that you have (understandably) checked out, following years of bad behaviour from him. His shitty behaviour has chipped away at how you feel about him. You have reached your tolerance point.

I think you would benefit from counselling yourself, to process what has happened & how. To examine your role in it.