I feel let down by mum as a child. AIBU? Do other mums do this?

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Not sure why I’m posting really. I think to see if anyone else has felt this way or whether I am being unfair and bratty.

I have had some therapy for this and in no way do I harbour resentment or anger towards my lovely mum. She is wonderful and I love her. But I feel like she wasn’t there for me emotionally as a child and perhaps not even now, although that’s less of a criticism as I’m now an adult.

My mum so wanted me to do well in life and was hugely supportive of education. I was well dressed and fed and cared for. But emotionally I feel like she let me down. Maybe I am being unfair, but this is why I feel this way...

I can’t remember my mum ever giving me undivided attention when I was upset or needed to talk. In fact my mum has never ever sat and chatted something through with me, without being glued to the internet, on her phone, or in the middle of cleaning or some other project. I remember as a child hoping to chat to her in the car because we were effectively trapped in the same space together! Even then she would be desperate to get the radio on if I tried to talk about something. Another time I was massively worried about money and job security and just needed a cuppa and a chat...she told me I would have to drive 30 mins to their buy to let (from their home where we were) because she needed to paint the bedrooms. I stupidly did this, while in a total mess...arrived there and she started painting and talking about what colour scheme they were going to have. I felt so pathetic and worthless to her, I wasn’t even worth twenty minutes chat. My mum wasn’t working at the time and had all the time in the work to do the painting. It was another occasion where she seemed oblivious to me needing her.

I think what happened as a result was that I was even more desperate to have that emotional connection, so I would almost seek out conversations and upset to get her attention. What I really wanted, particularly as a teenager, was for her to give me her attention. Not all the time or every day, but just to actually give me her full attention now and then.

I would never do anything with her alone, without my dad. This was more my mum than my dad, who I think would have been more than happy to leave us to it sometimes. When I had my first break up as a teen, she never came and sat on my bed and talked with me until I was feeling ok enough to sleep, or even talked much at all. My last break up as an adult was awful and she stopped me ten minutes in to telling her about it to order a cardigan online I’m fully aware that as an adult I shouldn’t bother with trying to lean on her for things like that but I mention it to give an example.

I guess I want to know if these feelings are irrational or bratty? Do most mums behave in this way and was I expecting too much? I know my mum had a tough upbringing and she has done so many lovely things for me. This isn’t about blame but just wanting to make sense of my feelings really. I feel let down. AIBU?

I'm not surprised you poor thing - I really recommend looking at counselling. Sorry not to be more helpful but she sounds like an awful mum x

Some people aren't good with emotions and hold them at arms length. That's just the way they are. My mum has never comforted me after a break up either. We never hug or kiss.

It is better to accept people for the way they are than constantly hoping they'll change.

It's okay to feel this way. For whatever reason your Mum couldn't really do the emotional side of parenting. Mine couldn't either through no fault of her own. I was lucky that I had a lovely grandmother that I could go to but I've always had substitute mothers in my life. There was clearly a void. Talk your feelings through with a counsellor. 💐

My Mum wasn't great either. My Dad idolised me, my Mum felt threatened, so had my sister who she devoted all her time to at my expense. My Dad worked away.
No, you're not on your own. It was horrible and has greatly affected my adult life and relationships.

It's not bratty but it sounds like you are emotionally more needy than you mum. That's not an insult, it's who you are you just have to reconcile to the fact that your emotional needs are different to hers. It sounds like she loves you and you have a good relationship otherwise?

It sounds like your mum just can't do emotions, is she shut down in other areas of her life?

Yanbu to feel hurt, she sounds hard work and selfish. Have you ever challenged her on it?

My mother is v.similar. I’ve realised recently she’s quite narcissistic too. It used to hurt me so much but now I realise the problem is with her, she’s simply unwilling or unable to change. I’m still not sure which of the two. The only comfort I can offer you is, you’re not alone!

I’m nothing like my mother thankfully. She once left me alone in hospital with post natal depression (I was a newly single, first time mum at the time) after giving birth that day, despite me crying and begging her not to as I was afraid. She swore at me in frustration and left the hospital after a couple of hours. Then the next day she turned up and promptly dropped me off at my home and left me crying, depressed and alone with a newborn. She didn’t even offer to make me a cup of tea or give me any first time mum guidance etc. I’ll never forgive her for that to this day.

As time has gone on, I’ve become like a grey rock towards her and barriers come down quickly. I do sometimes still wish I had a mum who I could have a friendly chat with over a cup of tea. Sadly, I now know that day will never happen.

girlfriend I’ve said to her before why can’t or won’t you spend time with me properly when I need you. The closest I’ve ever got to understanding it is when she voluntarily said to me once that she knows she is quite manic and can never concentrate on anything for long because she’s then onto the next thing! To her credit she gets things done!! But emotionally she just can’t talk with me and constantly has her mind elsewhere. I don’t think it is intentional but it was EXTREMELY hard as a child. It’s just a bit rubbish now as I have to find that sort of support elsewhere.

I’m not sure if that makes her selfish? I think she’s always done her best and probably found things hard herself in being like this.

lul that sounds awful and I’m sorry you went through it. Only thing I can think of is perhaps she was struggling to see you so distressed and was awkward about it? Not an excuse, I know.

My mum wasn’t great emotionally when I was growing up. Now I’ve learned to just look at her as a flawed human being, the same as anyone else.
Emotional support is not her strong point (although she is better now this past few years) so I have learned how to support myself emotionally and seek out friendships where I can be supported.
My mum is good with practical help, things like walking my dog or helping sort my garden out. It’s just who she is as a person.

I think you need to accept your mum for who she is. You keep trying to get something from her (emotional support) that she is just not capable of giving you.

I have a similar situation. When I was a child my dad always took me swimming, to the park, the zoo etc but my mum was never with us. She wasn't a cuddly person and never said I love you. When I was older she would talk about any emotions and would get annoyed if I was upset about a teenage fall our with friends and first boyfriend issues. We didn't get on at all during my teens and early 20s.

We get on really well after I moved out at 20 and didn't go back. I've just accepted that she isn't that sort of person and during quite a recent argument she said "I know I'm a shit mum". She isn't, but she does lack in the emotional side of things. She must have some underlying issues and doesn't want to talk about them. I wonder if there is anything from your mum's past or childhood which has caused her to shut down emotionally to cope. Also, some people may just be that way.

It's difficult because I know that's the type of relationship you want to have with her. It might be worth having a close friend that you go to with these conversations as, although the friend isn't your mum, you might end up feeling better about the chats afterwards.

Sorry you're feeling this way OP!

I'm sorry to hear your mum didn't provide any support for you OP. My relationship with my mum has been effectively reversed since I was 12. I have had to learn to always be the sensible one, sort emotional and practical problems myself and when I speak to her I listen to her problems and if she bothers to remember to ask about mine I long ago gave up expecting any emotional support or practical help.

I have had to resign myself to the way things are, and now an happy to live my life without much input or any support from her. She did live further away but has now decided to move nearer as I'm expecting my first child, and to be honest I'm not looking forward to involving her more in my life and resent the expectation that I have to make space and time for her when she has never dove for me.

Sorry, not particularly helpful, but essentially you are not alone and you can be happy and love yourself for who you are despite deficient parents.
Don't give more time than you want to to her, and as you don't 'owe' her anything for not helping you grow up, you are freer to keep your time to yourself and only give back as much, if anything, that you want.

"I guess I want to know if these feelings are irrational or bratty? Do most mums behave in this way and was I expecting too much? I know my mum had a tough upbringing and she has done so many lovely things for me. This isn’t about blame but just wanting to make sense of my feelings really. I feel let down. AIBU?"

No not at all. Your mother may have given you all the material stuff but emotionally you were and still are neglected. She may well also have had a tough upbringing but many people do and choose not to emotionally neglect their now adult children. She never sought the necessary help and did to you the same as what was likely done to her.

My relationship with my mother these days is very much like Beetroots first paragraph. I've given up on the pair of them (i.e she and my dad) but it took me many years to realise that I was trusted, well more like left, to get on with it from around the age of 14. You really owe her nothing.

Its not your fault your mother is like this and you did not make her that way. She never sought or even wanted to seek the necessary help.

Sounds like she maybe finds conversations about emotions deeply awkward maybe? Some people do. I know that's not an excuse though.

My mum was a good mum, and sacrificed a lot for us as kids (single mum working incredibly hard etc).
However, the weird thing (looking back) is she never once spoke to me about periods or anything related to that, even in a roundabout way. I would have had no idea what to expect were it not for school sex ed! Weirdly when I started my periods, I didn't want to initiate the conversation either (was too embarrassed) so I just dealt with it completely by myself. To this day, we have never mentioned anything to do with that to each other. She must know I started though!
Which is weird enough, but what got me once was her getting annoyed at some news item on Radio 4... It was about the way schools teach puberty and sex ed and my mum was cross because "that's the parents job!"

Could she have adhd?

If so, could that help you - that it isn't she doesn't care, but she struggles to show it in the precise way you wanted.

Thanks for the replies.

I think she can be a bit manic...she’s very good at getting things done, practically your life can be sorted by her if you need it! But again, if there’s any sort of emotional reliance then it doesn’t work. She has to want to be there...for example she would definitely help decorate my house or mow the lawn or organise furniture deliveries and help to clean. But all of that would be on her terms, for instance it would only happen if she was in the mood to do it and not because I had called up one day needing her help.

She just doesn’t seem to see a link between someone needing something from her and her putting herself out or taking time out of her day to be there. As an adult I have to accept she’s not obliged to do that, but it’s been that way since I was a child and it is certainly not how I would be with a child.

It is completely luck of the draw if she has any time for you on a day that you may need it. A good way to explain it is you can call her and she will be part way through a conversation then suddenly, almost out of the blue, declare that a tv show is about to start and she’s got to go immediately...it is almost manic how she tries to end the call! I would simply pause the tv or watch something later if someone was part way through a conversation. It a stuff like that I find hard. But she’s not a bad person and will often do nice things like pay for me to get my hair done and she will text me saying a photo of me was nice on Facebook etc. I just always longed for that feeling of being able to trust that she would be there. Maybe if something terrible happened then she would be.

It’s sounds like your mum was and is completely emotionally unavailable and that has had a huge impact on you.

It’s not ‘bratty’ or irrational it’s the truth, and you have every right to feel let down, disappointed and to grieve the fact that you don’t have the closeness and support that everyone craves.

You are entitled to these feelings, and you are entitled to speak your truth. You are also allowed to be angry. Not necessarily verbally at your mum now (no point) but you are allowed to acknowledge this to yourself.

It’s a very sad experience to have and you deserve love and support.

www.amazon.co.uk/Emotionally-Absent-Mother-Jasmin-Cori/dp/1615193820/ref=asc_df_1615193820/?hvlocphy=1006565&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310831412334&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos=1o1&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=aud-545671390501:pla-416851174490&hvrand=8290397425849561611

(Link to a book on amazon you might find helpful)

Similar here OP. I have absolutely no happy childhood memories involving my mum, she never seemed to have time for me or even particularly like me. My dad died when I was 11 and it got worse after that, she was always angry about something, seemed to resent my existence, and I never felt relaxed or happy around her. As a young adult if I had any problems she would send me money, which was appreciated but not what I wanted from her...I wanted someone to come and help me move house, not pay for movers, someone to pick me up when my car broke down, not pay for my AA membership.

As a result I've distanced myself from her in the last 20 years, we get on fine and see each other once or twice a year. She really doesn't seem to understand why I don't need a close relationship with her though, when she was widowed a couple of years ago she suddenly seemed to have an expectation I would start supporting her more and spending much more time with her. That's been quite tough to get through and I've had to have a couple of blunt conversations with her about it. She has never acknowledged any of how she acted or made me feel, I don't think she can admit it to herself.

I do think part of it is years ago having children was what you were expected to do and a lot of women who perhaps nowadays would decide not to be mothers were sort of forced into it, and we were the children that suffered as a result.

My mum was and is still the same now. In the last couple of years I have spoken to her about really serious problems in my life (depression, marriage in ruins etc) and she would start talking about the weather. I always remember my sister having serious mental health problems in our teens and my mum having absolutely no sympathy whatsoever. It always felt like everything was about her. Us being unwell was an inconvenience or needed her to have to do something.

My family have come to the conclusion she has undiagnosed mental health problems. Which does help to make sense of it all and not take it all so personally.

Thankfully my dad isn't like my mum and has been there in my dire times of need to talk and listen. Other siblings don't even bother telling her about major life events etc.

What I am trying to do is make sure I'm there for my kids in the ways my own mum wasn't and still isn't.

Hi op, sorry to read your experience. That's tough. My ex's mother was like this. I. Fact she never said she loved him orchid sister. It has adversely affected both of them.

Emotional abuse whether intended or not, is real. Maybe reading this will help you or others on this thread.

Emotional abuse is the systematic emotional or psychological ill-treatment of a child as part of the overall relationship between a caregiver and a child. Once-off and occasional difficulties between a parent/carer and child are not considered emotional abuse. Abuse occurs when a child’s basic need for attention, affection, approval, consistency and security are not met, due to incapacity or indifference from their parent or caregiver. Emotional abuse can also occur when adults responsible for taking care of children are unaware of and unable (for a range of reasons) to meet their children’s emotional and developmental needs. Emotional abuse is not easy to recognise because the effects are not easily seen.

A reasonable concern for the child’s welfare would exist when the behaviour becomes typical of the relationship between the child and the parent or carer.

Emotional abuse may be seen in some of the following ways:

Rejection
Lack of comfort and love
Lack of attachment
Lack of proper stimulation (e.g. fun and play)
Lack of continuity of care (e.g. frequent moves, particularly unplanned)
Continuous lack of praise and encouragement
Persistent criticism, sarcasm, hostility or blaming of the child
Bullying
Conditional parenting in which care or affection of a child depends on his or her behaviours or actions
Extreme overprotectiveness
Inappropriate non-physical punishment (e.g. locking child in bedroom)
Ongoing family conflicts and family violence
Seriously inappropriate expectations of a child relative to his/her age and stage of development
There may be no physical signs of emotional abuse unless it occurs with another type of abuse. A child may show signs of emotional abuse through their actions or emotions in several ways. These include insecure attachment, unhappiness, low self-esteem, educational and developmental underachievement, risk taking and aggressive behaviour.

It should be noted that no one indicator is conclusive evidence of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is more likely to impact negatively on a child where it is persistent over time and where there is a lack of other protective factors.

Poor you OP My dm is/was the same. It's like she's allergic to paying attention to me. She interrupts every sentence (I'm not exaggerating) by starting a new topic of conversation. I've tested this - she NEVER goes back to the thing I was talking about. No matter how distressed I am.

In fact I've noticed she actually seems chirpy around me when I'm upset, she enjoys it. Even breaking me down to tears and looking triumphant then walking away.

It's taken decades for me to realise this, previously it was too shocking to see, let alone accept. I don't have a relationship with any other family members (dsis learned to treat me the same way)

You can put labels on it, and that can help, but basically the key is to avoid these people as much as possible and seek support and friendship elsewhere

I do feel for you, I had huge issues with my mum and had therapy with a counsellor who specialised in childhood issues and this helped me enormously.

You have every right to feel very let down by your mum. It can also be very helpful to understand why she’s like she is.

Do you know what kind of childhood your mum had and how her relationship was with her parents? You may find a few answers if you know this info.

seek support and friendship elsewhere

I do agree with this. You have to acknowledge that your mum is not the person who will give you emotional comfort when you need it. It’s a sad situation but if you can lean on other people, that will be better for you in the long run.